DH and MIL blindsided me with weekend away - was I wrong to kick off

[BeccaBoo9]

I gave birth a few months ago (first time Mum) and have found it extremely challenging but rewarding too. It has strained mine and DH’s relationship slightly in terms of the sleepless nights but we expected that and no one has crossed the line in terms of comments.

There has been little to no intimacy since the birth mainly due to me, DH is still up for it but I’ve told him I need some time to build up my confidence again.

One thing I’ve always been clear on to DH is that I don’t feel ready to leave our DC with someone else overnight yet.

Last Saturday, his MIL turned up at ours out of the blue. She told me she’d booked DH and I a night away at a country hotel and that she’d look after our DC. She said it was only a 30 minute drive so we were still relatively close by.

I really didn’t want to go but felt awkward to decline and pressurised into going. We packed and set off, I told DH I felt uncomfortable and that if I didn’t feel up to staying after the meal, I’d want to go home without staying.

When we checked in, DH told me he had got me a present and had a bag behind his back. In this was a skimpy outfit and he said it was for me to wear that night. Now he knows that has never been my thing and the outfit in question was at least a size too small, there’s no way I’d have got in to it (irrelevant as I didn’t feel comfortable).

Anyway, we ended up coming home after the meal as I was a mess and my MIL looked extremely unimpressed when we turned up.

We’ve had several rows about it this week, I’ve really had a go at him for going behind my back and doing this. He called me an ungrateful cow earlier and stormed out so I don’t have a clue where he is now (the pub, probably)

Not everyone has the same sexual and/or emotional needs. It’s ok to be low libido and it’s ok to be very sexual. Most men need sex on a regular basis to feel connected and emotionally fulfilled. There is no shame in that.

i have given birth from my vagina 4 times and i have had years of abstinence when i was SINGLE. I don’t have a high sex drive. I would not be a good fit for a hyper sexual man and actually this is the reason my previous relationship ended. We weren’t sexually compatible because he wanted sex every day and it was a source of pain and frustration for him. I set him free to find another woman

i never waited 3 months after birth to have sex and i would find it cruel to deprive my husband of sex for 3 months. Either you want to be in the marriage or you don’t. You don’t get to say now that we have a baby you don’t get any more sex. I have had sex many times when I wasn’t particularly in the mood because a healthy marriage isn’t all about just one person

Wow. It was 9 months before I could have sex again after my first, I suppose you think im lucky my husband stayed with me.

Sounds like something a narcissistic mother and her narc son would do. Not normal. Very sorry but these types don’t get better, only worse

Ha,ha, you're a total gaslighter anyway!?

Firstly,

1. I NEVER said that "she should apologise"
2. I NEVER said I was "a great dad"
3. I NEVER said, or ever tried to imply, that I was "an exemplary husband"

Yet in your 8 line post, you fabricate 3 untruths about me and what I posted.

That's impressive, are you related to 'the Donald', or some other, self righteous, fact ignoring fantasist by any chance? Just curious!?🙄

FWIW, reading the subsequent posts from the OP, her husband sounds like a total self centred tosser, who has little respect for her, or her feelings.

As to whether he's subsequently suggesting the outlandish & destructive things, such as having an open marriage, out of genuine interest or purely to get a reaction from his wife, I'm not sure. Either way, if he's doing this, it paints him in a lousy light tbh.

P.s. as an aside, I can't fathom the vitriol here for the MIL in this. Maybe I missed something, but AFAIR all she did was give up a night herself to look after her grandchild, while assumedly she thought her son was treating his post partum wife to a well deserved night away!?

I didn't see any insinuation that the child minding MIL had any inkling whatsoever that her son had bought his wife some 'sexy lingerie'. Less that his wife wasn't into a night away, or the underwear, either. Yet about a 1/3 of the posts since, appear to have jumped to this conclusion or similar!?.... curious

Maybe a little more context needed. Certainly clumsy of them and I think with a 5 month old a few months without intimacy wouldn’t be the end of the world, however if there’s been no intimacy throughout the whole pregnancy for example and you’ve now not had sex for well over a year then a lot of relationships would probably start to struggle at that point after almost 18 months without intimacy.

She turned up out of the blue deliberately not saying a single word to the mother about her plans. Of course she knew the OP didn't know because that is entirely bizarre behaviour. When babysitting an infant for the first time overngight an MIL would always, without exception, talk to or message the mother of the baby and discuss the first ever overnight at least once. Definitely. Inarguable.

The OP also confirms this "It was a jointly planned , no idea who suggested it initially but they were both well on board. If I was to guess, I’d say it was MIL’s."

MIL acted pissed off when the mother decided not to be ordered to spend the night away from her child.

MIL said she booked the hotel.

It's all very clear in the OP's posts that MIL is an interfering bitch.

‘The man is also going through a life changing event and this is a fact about male psychology : they feel loved and connected through sex.’

Thanks for your ‘how to be a Handmaiden’ Ted Talk. She should do this, she should do that, it’s all about what she should do isn’t it?! She grew a baby and gave birth to it, she’s now keeping it alive whilst being hideously sleep deprived, and what’s he doing? Bitching and moaning about the lack of sex, verbally abusing her when she doesn’t acquiesce to his tacky attempts and then suggesting an open marriage, ffs what is wrong with you? You do know men don’t die from lack of sex?!

In a healthy marriage, women aren't forced to have sex that they do not want.

Sex isn't a human right. Lots of men go without sex because they haven't got a partner or simply because no-one wants to have sex with them. A man's 'need' to have sex on a regular basis doesn't trump a woman's right to say no.

This sounds a bit like an incel's manifesto for men who dream of a world where attractive women are compelled to have sex with them.

OP has said that her MIL was very 'unimpressed' when OP turned up to pick up her baby. OP was obviously upset as she has said that she was 'a mess' but instead of being concerned and sympathetic, her MIL was cross because she was robbed of the opportunity to have the baby overnight.

I was very ill for a whole year I'm better now thank goodness but for a while it was touch and go.
My ex husband of 20 years walked out on me after I'd been ill for 6 months, I was in hospital at the time. He said he doesn't go without sex for longer than 6 months no matter what the "excuse". Divorce papers in the post and I never saw him again.
This is exactly the kind of man you are married to OP. A selfish, pathetic narc.
If I ever see my ex again I'll kick him down the road.

I was sort of seeing both sides and could have been persuaded to regard what the husband did as more misguided/ill-judged, but the comment about having an open marriage is not acceptable.

To be blaming "them" for the idea means he has been discussing your personal situation with other people down the pub and was actually giving it consideration and wanted your opinion. From my point of view, this is a huge betrayal of trust and far more upsetting than the previous events. I am not sure whether I, personally, would want to remain in the relationship.

So basically he's gone to his mother complaining, and they thought the answer was to coerce you into sex youve said you aren't ready for. Gross.

Well, I agree with you he's a prize most would throw back, but still OP has a problem herself and not just with him.

It is possible this was ok with your husband… but the point is a marriage is about 2 people caring for each others needs. Sex, emotional connection and affection are all legitimate needs

So, if you are unable to have sex for 9 months because it causes you pain that is a legitimate need

But if your lack of desire is causing your partner emotional pain that is also legitimate

There are many women who are on here agonizing about how their husbands haven’t wanted to have sex in months. Maybe the men have ED or just low libido. If the men aren’t willing to fix/address the problem then I do not judge the women for leaving . why would I judge a man any differently?

A marriage isn’t about rights. It’s a contract to honor another perso. There are many women complaining about their husbands not wanting to have sex for months. If they aren’t sexually compatible it just won’t work. If you can’t have sex to please your partner (provided it isn’t causing pain or something serious) there is probably resentment and a lot of issues besides. Otherwise, most of us are willing to compromise and have sex once in awhile, even once per month is very low sex drive

It sounds like a lot of the women are getting riled up because you are also low sex drive

If you’re menopausal get your hormones balanced. You sound extremely angry over the fact that many people need sex to feel connected and loved.

suggesting an open marriage doesn’t sound any more lousy than stopping sex

they entered into a sexual relationship

I assume sex was a regular thing before

i assume they believed they were sexually compatible

iWhy is it wrong for them to want an open marriage where they can remain a supportive partner to you in other areas of the relationship ?

this is a compromise for couples who want to stay together for their kids sake, and who care about each other, but are not sexually compatible

As for “nobody ever died from lack of sex”

• actually this kind of emotional abuse absolutely can affect someone’s health - their heart and their mental health.

Just this. ⬆️

He coerced her into sex using things he knew she did not want, and insulted get and got angry when she refused.

Some posters writing post upon post about how this isn't actually a problem and actually obviously once you marry someone you have consented to sex whenever and however the other person wants it and to refuse makes you 'cruel' - unbelievable.

Regardless of whether someone has birth injuries, is sleep deprived etc, the answer to not having the amount of sex you want is NOT to coerce the other person, saying that other women are fine with it, telling your mates down the pub and asking to shag other people. THAT is cruel.

I don't actually believe that this needs explaining, so some pp are clearly posting to wind up OP. They've already pretended they know the sex drive of everyone posting so ignore these fools OP.

Completely agree @LoveIndubitably ite actually disgusting. It’s not even been like the sex-less marriages we seen on here where people have had no sex for a number of years for no discernible reason .

OP said recovering from pregnancy and said and doesn’t feel confident yet there was nothing to suggest she has gone off sex for good.

But after her husband suggesting an open marriage after the ambush, and all this while’s she’s trying to take care of her first child - she may well go off sex with him now for good. If anything he has shot himself in the foot with his lack of patience and self-centred, manipulative behaviour. Nothing about his actions will have made OP feel more ready for sex - the opposite if anything.

When you get into a marriage it’s generally on the understanding you both remain monogamous - unless of course it was always an open marriage.

If someone isn’t satisfied and they want sex with someone else, because the other person has had a life changing event and are readjusting, and not feeling up to sex - the half decent thing would be to do is accept you don’t love them enough to be patient and just leave rather ask them for an open marriage.

Especially in this situation where the marriage hasn’t been “sexless” long term eg. Years - and the main issue is the man has just displayed an extraordinary lack of patience and consideration.

He kicked off by compared her unfavourably to his ex which was at best daft considering that relationship ended shortly after, but also very nasty to OP. I mean what a way to encourage insecurity?!

Then he tried to put her on the spot by compelling her to do two things she wasn’t ready for on the same night - leaving her baby and having sex. Again, foolish at best but also potentially distressing for OP. Then he insults her for not going along with his selfish plans

And to throw into the mix, instead of letting things cool down, apologising for his stupid plan and calling her an ungrateful cow, he comes back and asks for an open marriage?!!

Not saying anytime was a good time to ask for an open marriage but this was the worst possible time. Also let’s not forget the fact he bought her lingerie he knows she’s not comfortable in.

Tbh I’m now beginning to wonder if he set all this up so badly on purpose, to ensure she wouldn’t have sex, just so he could then ask for an open marriage?

Because how could he honestly think this (the pressurised, last minute trip and uncomfortable too small lingerie ) was the thing that was going to get his wife back into sex?

Do you think saying I am not ready for sex at 3 months post partum makes it a sexless marriage? I wasn’t. With any of our 3dc. I assure my husband is much happier and has a much more fulfilling life in his home with us than if he’d said I didn’t sign up for this sexless marriage 3 months after dc1 was born and pissed off while I was recovering from my 100+ stitches.

woukd you say the same if it was cancer and someone wasn’t up for sex for months while undergoing chemo? Is that different? Should everyone who’s partner can’t have sex for a couple if months run and out and fuck someone else because that’s fair? Do your friends agree with this? I think you’d find you’re the one being judged if you shared this opinion in real life, because it’s pretty horrible. That someone might marry someone, make vows saying through thikc or thin, for better or worse, then if their partner goes through a life changing event like pregnancy and birth, if that means sex is off the table for a few months, that same someone should chuck all those vows and go sleep around. Most people don’t think that way. Most people who follow your advice will find themselves, very appropriately, divorced very quickly. Like the ops dh.

You are out of your mind, sorry. All of this BS when the baby is 3 months, god…