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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH and MIL blindsided me with weekend away - was I wrong to kick off

338 replies

BeccaBoo9 · 09/05/2025 20:47

I gave birth a few months ago (first time Mum) and have found it extremely challenging but rewarding too. It has strained mine and DH’s relationship slightly in terms of the sleepless nights but we expected that and no one has crossed the line in terms of comments.

There has been little to no intimacy since the birth mainly due to me, DH is still up for it but I’ve told him I need some time to build up my confidence again.

One thing I’ve always been clear on to DH is that I don’t feel ready to leave our DC with someone else overnight yet.

Last Saturday, his MIL turned up at ours out of the blue. She told me she’d booked DH and I a night away at a country hotel and that she’d look after our DC. She said it was only a 30 minute drive so we were still relatively close by.

I really didn’t want to go but felt awkward to decline and pressurised into going. We packed and set off, I told DH I felt uncomfortable and that if I didn’t feel up to staying after the meal, I’d want to go home without staying.

When we checked in, DH told me he had got me a present and had a bag behind his back. In this was a skimpy outfit and he said it was for me to wear that night. Now he knows that has never been my thing and the outfit in question was at least a size too small, there’s no way I’d have got in to it (irrelevant as I didn’t feel comfortable).

Anyway, we ended up coming home after the meal as I was a mess and my MIL looked extremely unimpressed when we turned up.

We’ve had several rows about it this week, I’ve really had a go at him for going behind my back and doing this. He called me an ungrateful cow earlier and stormed out so I don’t have a clue where he is now (the pub, probably)

OP posts:
Delphinium20 · 09/05/2025 22:28

OP, I have always had a strong sex drive but I didn't have sex until 6 months after my DD2 was born and 4 months after DD1. I was older, 38, and the body does not heal fast, plus, we were just too consumed w/ taking care of baby and a little girl. If that had happened to me, I'd have been livid w/ DH.

No way in hell I would have left my babies for an overnight when they were only a few months old. You MIL sounds creepy af to have dropped this 'surprise' on you. I hope I never forget how hard it was those first months after baby. And it's not good for baby to be gone that long from mom.

Helloworlditsmeagain · 09/05/2025 22:31

BeccaBoo9 · 09/05/2025 22:14

He has an older child from a previous relationship when he was quite young. He tells me how their sex life resumed almost immediately to which I replied that’s great but I’m not a young 20 something who had a straight forward birth.

I can relate my first 3 pregnancies was straightforward and I had no problems with intimacy after. When I had my 4th I had a forceps delivery it was horrific i struggled with intimacy my vag was sore.

PinkBobby · 09/05/2025 22:35

BeccaBoo9 · 09/05/2025 22:14

He has an older child from a previous relationship when he was quite young. He tells me how their sex life resumed almost immediately to which I replied that’s great but I’m not a young 20 something who had a straight forward birth.

Of course it did - I’m sure she couldn’t wait…

What a beyond idiotic thing to say. Piss off your wife with a stupid surprise and then proceed to tell her about your past sex life to make her feel guilty. Dear god! I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and empathise with the new dad situation but he just needs to grow up. Life isn’t all about sex. Yes, it’s an important part of a relationship but you’ve just had a baby for the first time - you’re perfectly entitled to shut up shop down there until you’re ready. The first few months with a newborn is an absolute wild ride - you focus on your needs not his. If he needs a release, I’m sure he knows what to do. As I said, being a mum can be incredibly empowering. Time to start demanding he do better.

Ughn0tryte · 09/05/2025 22:35

Where are your mum/dad/siblings?
Could you and baby go stay with them and he can visit you both?
That way, MIL would have no access to your infant/attempting to separate you and your infant.
He would be less inclined to try anything intimate whilst you're staying with extended family too.
It would give you the head space to work out if this relationship is healthy.
They are treating you like you don't know your own mind. That you need a break from a life you want. This is creepy and puts you in the position of silly little girl.
You're a mum, an individual and an adult. They have no respect for this.

DodoTired · 09/05/2025 22:37

Wow. My babies were breastfed, I couldn’t leave them overnight until they stopped and certainly around that age they fed many times a night

GrumpyCatHasFleas · 09/05/2025 22:40

BeccaBoo9 · 09/05/2025 22:14

He has an older child from a previous relationship when he was quite young. He tells me how their sex life resumed almost immediately to which I replied that’s great but I’m not a young 20 something who had a straight forward birth.

Even him saying that is just putting more pressure on you, yuk

karoba · 09/05/2025 22:41

What would have happened if by some remote chance this scenario had worked and you'd slept together. Would he have walked back indoors with a massive smile on his face to be congratulated by Mummy?!

This is a dumpable offence.

Littlejellyuk · 09/05/2025 22:42

BeccaBoo9 · 09/05/2025 20:47

I gave birth a few months ago (first time Mum) and have found it extremely challenging but rewarding too. It has strained mine and DH’s relationship slightly in terms of the sleepless nights but we expected that and no one has crossed the line in terms of comments.

There has been little to no intimacy since the birth mainly due to me, DH is still up for it but I’ve told him I need some time to build up my confidence again.

One thing I’ve always been clear on to DH is that I don’t feel ready to leave our DC with someone else overnight yet.

Last Saturday, his MIL turned up at ours out of the blue. She told me she’d booked DH and I a night away at a country hotel and that she’d look after our DC. She said it was only a 30 minute drive so we were still relatively close by.

I really didn’t want to go but felt awkward to decline and pressurised into going. We packed and set off, I told DH I felt uncomfortable and that if I didn’t feel up to staying after the meal, I’d want to go home without staying.

When we checked in, DH told me he had got me a present and had a bag behind his back. In this was a skimpy outfit and he said it was for me to wear that night. Now he knows that has never been my thing and the outfit in question was at least a size too small, there’s no way I’d have got in to it (irrelevant as I didn’t feel comfortable).

Anyway, we ended up coming home after the meal as I was a mess and my MIL looked extremely unimpressed when we turned up.

We’ve had several rows about it this week, I’ve really had a go at him for going behind my back and doing this. He called me an ungrateful cow earlier and stormed out so I don’t have a clue where he is now (the pub, probably)

You're not an ungrateful cow! 😠

He called you that because Mr Mastemind and his minion- mothers plan backfired, and now the CF is sulking, because he didn't get his end away. 😡
Cheeky bastard 😤

Get a bright pink flowery sock, with a copy of Bella or Chat magazine, and some baby oil, place them in a plastic bag, pass it to him and tell him to knock himself out! 😆

If he says what's this? 🤔
Tell him it's a present! 🎁

CalleOcho · 09/05/2025 22:42

I’m so sick and angry of seeing thread after thread from new mums and their feelings being totally disregarded by selfish boneheaded men and grandparents.

Why the fuck does no one care about women when we are at our most vulnerable? Why is it encouraged that we hop straight back into sex and hand our newborns over?

I’m fucking sick of it.

Men just care about their dicks. Grandparents just care about seeing baby. None of them care about the welfare and wants/needs of the mother.

I’m sorry for the rant @BeccaBoo9 😞Obviously YANBU!!!! Your husband and MIL are selfish idiots and you have been royally disrespected. Please start being more assertive with them and please don’t be afraid to hurt their feelings because they honestly don’t give a fuck about yours.

You deserve so much better.

Notashamed13 · 09/05/2025 22:43

Instant (and I mean INSTANT) ick....... sorry you had to deal with that OP......

Notashamed13 · 09/05/2025 22:46

I genuinely don't think I've looked at men in such a different (and way worse) light since having my child. They are truly ruled by one thing alone.

Flopsy145 · 09/05/2025 22:46

This makes me sad and feel quite grossed out by mil and dh. Like you're some plaything yo be moved where they see fit and to exist purely for the pleasure of your husband. It's really disgusting they have done this. I refuse to leave my kids until they're at least 1, ideally 18 months. My kids are my priority and my dh knows this, and they are also his priority. He knows they need their mum. Your dh needs to jump down off his pedestal and put you and baby up there instead. Post partum is a wild ride, having sex is not even top 10 on the list of things you need to be focussing on. God if my DH did this I would think have the ick forever and never look at him the same way

Littlejellyuk · 09/05/2025 22:48

BeccaBoo9 · 09/05/2025 22:14

He has an older child from a previous relationship when he was quite young. He tells me how their sex life resumed almost immediately to which I replied that’s great but I’m not a young 20 something who had a straight forward birth.

Oh right, so now he's comparing your post partum sex life, to that of him and his ex?
He just expects you to bounce back and be gagging for it?
Yet she is now his ex 🤔
This fella sounds like a real charmer 🤢

Hankunamatata · 09/05/2025 22:48

Well he totally missed that up.

How old is baby?

Vaxtable · 09/05/2025 22:48

What is it with men not understanding what women go through.

I always remember an actress in a film( Look whose talking) telling the block you try squeezing something the size of a melon out of a hole the size of an orange

add in hormones, tiredness and the rest it makes me cross he’s on,y thinking of himself

so I would leave him with the baby all day at the weekend and go and do something for myself, even booking a hotel room just to sleep!

backtoworkcat · 09/05/2025 22:49

nopineapplepizza · 09/05/2025 22:27

He used the actions from his FAILED relationship with the mother of his first DC as evidence of what you should be emulating now to make your relationship work; is he thick?

He treated his first coparent in a way that made her never want to have sex with him again, clearly because the relationship ended, and presumably they’ve never had sex again 🙄

So you can add stupid to his list of attributes, and as for his wanna-be pimp of a mother; WTAF was she thinking??

Excellent post @nopineapplepizza
@BeccaBoo9please do not let this selfish idiot and his mother make you feel bad 💐

HaveTeaWillSurvive · 09/05/2025 22:51

Fuck sake I’m furious on your behalf, over my dead body would I have gone. I’d have maayyybbbeee given them the benefit of the doubt and said it was a misguided attempt to do a nice thing if he hadn’t doubled down on it after the fact and taken the huff. You are 100% nbu and I’m so sorry your OH is such a massive twat. You need to sit him down and calmly tell him to give his head a wobble.

Littlejellyuk · 09/05/2025 22:55

nopineapplepizza · 09/05/2025 22:27

He used the actions from his FAILED relationship with the mother of his first DC as evidence of what you should be emulating now to make your relationship work; is he thick?

He treated his first coparent in a way that made her never want to have sex with him again, clearly because the relationship ended, and presumably they’ve never had sex again 🙄

So you can add stupid to his list of attributes, and as for his wanna-be pimp of a mother; WTAF was she thinking??

Wanna be pimp of a mother....
This line is epic and now lives in my head rent-free.
Bravo 👏 this made my LOL so much 😆

menopausalfart · 09/05/2025 22:55

So they expected you to leave your child for the night just to service his needs?
Bollocks.

hypnovic · 09/05/2025 22:59

WooleyMunky · 09/05/2025 21:41

High colonic?

Couples therapy perhaps..both will make him squirm and I predict the same level of sh!t to come out of him with either.

namechangetheworld · 09/05/2025 23:02

You're a better person than me OP, I wouldn't have set foot out the door. Awkwardness be damned.

Cherryicecreamx · 09/05/2025 23:05

I'd be so offended - buying me a skimpy outfit and a hotel for the night presumably for the hope of sex after you've told him how you've felt. Seems very pressuring.

Littlejellyuk · 09/05/2025 23:05

Have you got relatives on your side, such as parents or siblings or close friends? 🤔

So that you can have some support, away from dumb and dumber? 🤦‍♀️

jeaux90 · 09/05/2025 23:09

This verges on the sociopathic. He and the MIL planned this for him, something you don’t want and now doesn’t want to take the consequences of being a selfish asshole.

He is gross.

Chinnuy · 09/05/2025 23:12

nopineapplepizza · 09/05/2025 22:27

He used the actions from his FAILED relationship with the mother of his first DC as evidence of what you should be emulating now to make your relationship work; is he thick?

He treated his first coparent in a way that made her never want to have sex with him again, clearly because the relationship ended, and presumably they’ve never had sex again 🙄

So you can add stupid to his list of attributes, and as for his wanna-be pimp of a mother; WTAF was she thinking??

Spot on. What a strange and inappropriate comparison for him to make.

@BeccaBoo9 how old was his first kid when the relationship ended?

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