Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DH and MIL blindsided me with weekend away - was I wrong to kick off

338 replies

BeccaBoo9 · 09/05/2025 20:47

I gave birth a few months ago (first time Mum) and have found it extremely challenging but rewarding too. It has strained mine and DH’s relationship slightly in terms of the sleepless nights but we expected that and no one has crossed the line in terms of comments.

There has been little to no intimacy since the birth mainly due to me, DH is still up for it but I’ve told him I need some time to build up my confidence again.

One thing I’ve always been clear on to DH is that I don’t feel ready to leave our DC with someone else overnight yet.

Last Saturday, his MIL turned up at ours out of the blue. She told me she’d booked DH and I a night away at a country hotel and that she’d look after our DC. She said it was only a 30 minute drive so we were still relatively close by.

I really didn’t want to go but felt awkward to decline and pressurised into going. We packed and set off, I told DH I felt uncomfortable and that if I didn’t feel up to staying after the meal, I’d want to go home without staying.

When we checked in, DH told me he had got me a present and had a bag behind his back. In this was a skimpy outfit and he said it was for me to wear that night. Now he knows that has never been my thing and the outfit in question was at least a size too small, there’s no way I’d have got in to it (irrelevant as I didn’t feel comfortable).

Anyway, we ended up coming home after the meal as I was a mess and my MIL looked extremely unimpressed when we turned up.

We’ve had several rows about it this week, I’ve really had a go at him for going behind my back and doing this. He called me an ungrateful cow earlier and stormed out so I don’t have a clue where he is now (the pub, probably)

OP posts:
JayJayj · 09/05/2025 21:37

I am so sorry you are going through this. I can’t understand why so many men only think of themselves in these situations.

We didn’t even try to have sex until 3 months PP, we had to stop as it was so uncomfortable. Managed again a month later. Even then we only had sex ever couple of months. Partly postpartum depression, exhaustion and myself just generally not in the mood. My daughter is now 2 and a half and I got my sex drive back a couple of months ago.

Not once have we had an argument about lack of intimacy.

This is just a right now situation not a forever one. He really needs a reality check.

Also do not let them pressure you into leaving your baby when you aren’t ready. We have only just let her stop out recently. I definitely wasn’t ready before.

blackgreenandgrey · 09/05/2025 21:38

yuk! glad you came home. Hope your DH comes to his senses and sorts his mum out too. Do you know whose brain child this whole idea was? what where they thinking? Esp DH?

Cherrysoup · 09/05/2025 21:39

Knittedfairies2 · 09/05/2025 20:48

Your husband and his mother are idiots.

First response has it, as usual. Jeez!

PotatoBreadForTheWin · 09/05/2025 21:40

sprigatito · 09/05/2025 20:51

What the hell were you supposed to be grateful for? None of this was for your benefit. MIL wanted to play Mummy with your baby, and H wanted to dress you up like a sex doll and have a dirty weekend whether you felt up to it or not.

They are both revolting, and you are not unreasonable to be hurt and angry. Don’t let them bamboozle you into thinking any of this is your fault.

Nailed it.

Scottishskifun · 09/05/2025 21:40

Your MIL sounds like she's misplaced, your DH is a complete idiot!

The conversation should be about you feeling comfortable, your recovery and reconnecting at the pace which your comfortable with and you communicate over.

I didn't have sex for 7 months after DS1 I had birth trauma and was exhausted, my husband respected my boundaries but I also explained how I was feeling and why. He never applied pressure or produced a sexy outfit.

You need a conversation with your DH in a adult way and he has to come to the table about it.

Sugargliderwombat · 09/05/2025 21:41

Urgh. Id have the ick for a very, very, very long time now.

DrJump · 09/05/2025 21:41

Awful behaviour. I would be furious with them.
I'm really sorry your husband is being suck a jerk and your mother in law is supporting him.

WooleyMunky · 09/05/2025 21:41

candycane222 · 09/05/2025 20:49

Book him something he doesn't want (crochet lessons? A full body wax?) and call him an ungrateful bastard when he turns it down.

High colonic?

PotatoBreadForTheWin · 09/05/2025 21:41

Can’t believe 6% of people think you are being unreasonable 🙄🙄🙄

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 09/05/2025 21:42

Fucking hell. What the hell did I just read???

a few months old baby and they’re pushing you to leave your baby so he can get a shag.

He got his mum involved?! Yuck.

And the outfit - I just have no words. How can you ever be attracted to him again 🤢

NotmeMother · 09/05/2025 21:42

NotmeMother · 09/05/2025 21:30

Ask your dad to take your OH out for a night to get a prostitute/escort!

Not a serious suggestion more a comparison of what husband did.

Purpleturtle43 · 09/05/2025 21:46

Oh dear, that was a really silly thing for them to come up with together. You would think his Mum would know better!

OVienna · 09/05/2025 21:47

The fucking kit - i would have made him wear it.

MamaLenny · 09/05/2025 21:48

I would show him what you've written and all the reactions from other women on this thread op, to help him understand where he went (monumentally) wrong. Sorry that happened to you.

BeccaBoo9 · 09/05/2025 21:48

blackgreenandgrey · 09/05/2025 21:38

yuk! glad you came home. Hope your DH comes to his senses and sorts his mum out too. Do you know whose brain child this whole idea was? what where they thinking? Esp DH?

It was a jointly planned , no idea who suggested it initially but they were both well on board. If I was to guess, I’d say it was MIL’s.

OP posts:
categorychaos · 09/05/2025 21:49

I really am doubtful that this happened. No woman who has been through childbirth (as I assume your MIL has) would act like this

YYYDlilah · 09/05/2025 21:51

HollyBerryz · 09/05/2025 21:04

Are you the same poster whose dh got their mum to take them shopping and tried to make them buy sexy underwear?

My thought too.

Congratulations @BeccaBoo9 . You are married to a mummy's boy who discusses his sex life with his mum.

TheOnlyAletheia · 09/05/2025 21:51

God, that’s grim. You poor thing

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 09/05/2025 21:51

They are both absolute idiots.
Good on you for standing your ground. Your husband actually sounds like such an arsehole. I dont even know you and I'm so angry for you

Peanutlicious · 09/05/2025 21:53

This is awful. I'd actually be on the lookout for future gaslighting in your relationship as his behaviour was disrespectful and misguided at best and controlling and coercive at worst. The fact he tried to gaslight you into thinking it was a treat and that the sexy outfit was a present for you is really manipulative behaviour. It's actually made me feel deeply unconformable. I really hope you're ok OP and have some good-quality support from people who will love and cherish you properly, particularly during such a challenging and vulnerable time.

TheMVPSTurningmyheartbeatup · 09/05/2025 21:55

Well done op on taking a stance to be railroaded in the manner you were is akin to coercion.

VirgosNeedGoals · 09/05/2025 21:58

I think a lot of women are overly precious on here but this really is awful

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 09/05/2025 21:59

I had a similiar situation with my second child in which DH still feels like the wronged party.

He got me an Spa voucher for my birthday when my second very clingy EBF (not through choice - just wouldn't take a bottle) baby was 3 months old and I had two children under two. I didn't outright say 'are you bloody mad', but perhaps wasn't as gushing in how brilliant he was as perhaps he was expecting.

The voucher went unused for 12 months DC2 breastfed until 19 months old and literally refused to eat until I got back from work and I found leaving them any time I didn't have to very stressful.

He had a massive go about how ungrateful I was so I ended up using it a few days before it expired feeling really rubbish as I had lopsided boobs, felt horribly overweight and would rather have spent any available alone time getting my hair cut for the first time in months.

He still thinks I'm a massive twat for being ungrateful about it and hasn't bought me any birthday or Christmas presents since because I 'don't appreciate them' anyway.

Yeah I know - I'm leaving when I can. My ducks are swimming into their rows.

It's not about the initial thoughtlessness (which can be forgivable) it's the blame on you after for their thoughtlessness that's unacceptable.

OrangeQualityStreetAreTheBest · 09/05/2025 21:59

Under the guise of treating you to a nice surprise.
This was a treat for him, with absolutely no thought or care on whether it was what you would like or be comfortable with.

Attempting to rush you back into something you're not comfortable with yet is only going to push you in the other direction.

WonderingWanda · 09/05/2025 21:59

As soon as I read your first 6 words I knew you were most definitely not being unreasonable op. I don't know what to suggest because your dh has been a total idiot. The whole night away and skimpy outfit suggest this was entirely for his benefit. I sincerely hope he sees sense and apologises soon.