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AIBU?

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Original poster

I'm 43 and I can't learn to drive!! Feel useless

457 replies

ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 09/05/2025 18:10

As per thread title, I'm now 43 and trying to learn to drive, but I just can't seem to manage it. I've been trying since my 20s and just cannot, no matter how hard I try, get my head around all the different things. I can't get my lane position right, my steering is terrible, my spacial awareness is virtually non existent. I've tried so many times and just given up. However, it has got to the point in my life where I NEED to be able to drive. I have two children who both have special needs. They will soon be going to different schools and it just won't be doable on public transport, we may in the near future have to move to an area where public transport is not great. I literally need to have my licence by this time next year at the absolute latest but I just can't see how this is going to happen. I feel like such a failure. Why is it other people can manage to learn and I can't? Am I just stupid? I feel like giving up but thats not an option at this stage. I'm failing my children. I need to do this but it's just not happening 😢

OP posts:
TeenLifeMum · 09/05/2025 18:11

Are you learning in a manual or automatic?

ThatGladTiger · 09/05/2025 18:12

Similar to previous poster, if you’re learning in a manual switch to automatic lessons. One less thing to think about so you can focus on the driving and not gears and clutch!

PeatandDieselfan · 09/05/2025 18:13

Have you got a sympathetic instructor? That could make all the difference.

StrawberryWater · 09/05/2025 18:13

Manual or auto?

I tried manual driving and my brain just couldn't cope with all the extra bits. I could do it but I don't think I'd ever get good enough to sit a test and pass.

Switched to auto and passed my test first time.

I think a good instructor helps too. I had a few before I found the right one for me.

PeatandDieselfan · 09/05/2025 18:18

Also, can you do some practice off road for a while, to get confidence with the controls, so that when you get in the traffic there are less things to think about?

There was a time when I thought I would never be able to reverse with a trailer. 2 days by myself in a friend's sheep paddock with a land rover, a trailer and a pile of bollards, no-one except the sheep to see me messing up, and I got it sorted. Not that I am suggesting you need a trailer! Just an empty parking lot to do some laps and practice manoeuvring?

Original poster
ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 09/05/2025 18:22

TeenLifeMum · 09/05/2025 18:11

Are you learning in a manual or automatic?

Automatic, and I still can't get the hang of it

OP posts:
Yatzydog · 09/05/2025 18:23

Give yourself time. More than you think. Ask your instructor to go a suitable area and practice all the manuvours (sp?) (e.g an industrial area at the weekend). So that you have spatial awareness and muscle memory. Then when you drive in traffic you are more confident.

Be patient. They reckon it'll take än hour of lessons for every year of your life. That may be bollocks, but it is certainly true that it will take way long than when you were younger.

Driving is just practice. Any monkey can do it.

Original poster
ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 09/05/2025 18:23

PeatandDieselfan · 09/05/2025 18:13

Have you got a sympathetic instructor? That could make all the difference.

It's not the instructors, it's me. I've tried different instructors over the past 2 decades and it makes absolutely no difference. I'm just too thick to learn.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 09/05/2025 18:24

Yatzydog · 09/05/2025 18:23

Give yourself time. More than you think. Ask your instructor to go a suitable area and practice all the manuvours (sp?) (e.g an industrial area at the weekend). So that you have spatial awareness and muscle memory. Then when you drive in traffic you are more confident.

Be patient. They reckon it'll take än hour of lessons for every year of your life. That may be bollocks, but it is certainly true that it will take way long than when you were younger.

Driving is just practice. Any monkey can do it.

I've given myself 20 years, how much more time do I need??

OP posts:
S0j0urn4r · 09/05/2025 18:27

Have you been having weekly lessons for 20 years?

EmeraldShamrock000 · 09/05/2025 18:27

It is very hard for some people, especially if their executive functioning skills, spacial awareness and coordination is off balance, the panic on top.

I couldn't grasp it either, similar situation.
I am going to try again in an automatic car.
My niece who found it difficult, changed to an automatic, she is great now.

JeremyVineyard · 09/05/2025 18:28

Do you get very nervous and does that affect your ability to concentrate and relax?
Would it be worth trying propranolol?

Loubylie · 09/05/2025 18:28

Some people can't drive just like some people can't read, because their spacial awareness is too poor.

But, you might just have a mental block. What about trying a hypnotherapist who specialises in fear of driving?

ella455 · 09/05/2025 18:29

I just wanted to say you have my sympathy Op…I found it very hard to learn to drive, failed many times and was on my third instructor when I finally passed. Can you go out and practise with your DH or a supportive friend in between the lessons?

QuartzIlikeit · 09/05/2025 18:30

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you just might not be able to learn. I know 2 people who genuinely can't manage to learn to drive as they have zero spatial awareness and cannot manage to do more than 1 thing at once in a car.

They are both not thick (using your words), have good careers, manage multiple people at work, have families etc but cannot for the life of them master driving not matter how desperate they are to do so.

I think that some people are just not able to 'get it' and it has nothing to do with being thick- just your brain & body work in a way that's not suited to driving.

You've said you've had lots of lessons, in an automatic car, have had different instructors etc but still can't manage it. It may be time to accept that it's isn't going to happen for you & make alternative arrangements.

I know it sucks, but sometimes you do have to accept your limitations. Sorry.

Original poster
ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 09/05/2025 18:31

S0j0urn4r · 09/05/2025 18:27

Have you been having weekly lessons for 20 years?

Not continuously, no. But I have for the last year, still getting nowhere.

OP posts:
fairislecable · 09/05/2025 18:31

You need to invest more time in learning, an hour a week is not enough.

It takes regular practice, daily if possible.

I heard a phrase on Women’s hour the other day - when we make mistakes, instead of of talking to ourselves like a bully “ you’re stupid” etc talk to yourself like a coach “well that bit was bad but the other was brilliant “ etc

Good luck and persevere.

Original poster
ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 09/05/2025 18:32

fairislecable · 09/05/2025 18:31

You need to invest more time in learning, an hour a week is not enough.

It takes regular practice, daily if possible.

I heard a phrase on Women’s hour the other day - when we make mistakes, instead of of talking to ourselves like a bully “ you’re stupid” etc talk to yourself like a coach “well that bit was bad but the other was brilliant “ etc

Good luck and persevere.

I've been having 4 hours a week for the last year. No improvement.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 09/05/2025 18:33

QuartzIlikeit · 09/05/2025 18:30

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you just might not be able to learn. I know 2 people who genuinely can't manage to learn to drive as they have zero spatial awareness and cannot manage to do more than 1 thing at once in a car.

They are both not thick (using your words), have good careers, manage multiple people at work, have families etc but cannot for the life of them master driving not matter how desperate they are to do so.

I think that some people are just not able to 'get it' and it has nothing to do with being thick- just your brain & body work in a way that's not suited to driving.

You've said you've had lots of lessons, in an automatic car, have had different instructors etc but still can't manage it. It may be time to accept that it's isn't going to happen for you & make alternative arrangements.

I know it sucks, but sometimes you do have to accept your limitations. Sorry.

It's not an option, I need to do this for my children. There is no alternative arrangements I can make, I've tried.

OP posts:
ffsfindmeausername · 09/05/2025 18:34

This is me OP, I'm the same. I've given up now and was teased by my neighbours for having sooo many lessons. the "have you not passed your test yet" comments from everyone really got me down. I didn't even take a practical test as I was never anywhere near ready. I just couldn't seem to take everything in, and dont get me started on using mirrors.i actually think theres something wrong with my brain!
On the other hand I passed my theory with flying colours and scored 99% unfortunately it expired. im now late 40s and in full swing of peri and now have too much anxiety to try again.
I've accepted I'm not cut out to be a driver and yes I do feel like a failure for it.
I'm trying to encourage my teen dd to take lessons young as I think youngsters learn so much quicker and easier. it'll make her life so much easier, give her freedom and better job opportunities etc without having to turn jobs down as she cannot get there on public transport which is shocking as so many bus services etc have been cut.

Original poster
ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 09/05/2025 18:38

ella455 · 09/05/2025 18:29

I just wanted to say you have my sympathy Op…I found it very hard to learn to drive, failed many times and was on my third instructor when I finally passed. Can you go out and practise with your DH or a supportive friend in between the lessons?

None of that is possible, I'm a single parent and my friends who drive don't live close by. Childcare is an issue too.

OP posts:
TheDisillusionedAnarchist · 09/05/2025 18:39

I am you! I passed my test four weeks ago aged 43 (and turned 44 a week later). I started lessons when I was 17! Took long gaps and then went back for a bit. The time round I started learning last Summer, it took 8 months. I just kept going. I felt useless at it, cancelled one test because didn’t feel ready and passed first time on the one I rebooked.

I am autistic and dyspraxic and passed in a manual car. Just keep going! I had an instructor who was in many ways a bit useless but actually he was a good fit for me and I think the instructor matters (I’ve had about 9, very few fit)

Cakeandusername · 09/05/2025 18:39

Do you have any diagnosis Op? Wondering if something like dyspraxia etc. Maybe look at what might be going on that’s a barrier to you learning.
Do you have access to a car/supervising adult? If eg your husband drives usually from now on you do and he supervises so you get hours of practice.

Cakeandusername · 09/05/2025 18:40

Sorry cross post. It’s hard if you only have lessons and no other practice.

User5274959 · 09/05/2025 18:41

What SEN do your children have?
Do you have any diagnoses or undiagnosed issues? If you can identify that there might be specialist help and tips out there eg. Dyspraxia etc