I'm 43 and I can't learn to drive!! Feel useless

[ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed]

As per thread title, I'm now 43 and trying to learn to drive, but I just can't seem to manage it. I've been trying since my 20s and just cannot, no matter how hard I try, get my head around all the different things. I can't get my lane position right, my steering is terrible, my spacial awareness is virtually non existent. I've tried so many times and just given up. However, it has got to the point in my life where I NEED to be able to drive. I have two children who both have special needs. They will soon be going to different schools and it just won't be doable on public transport, we may in the near future have to move to an area where public transport is not great. I literally need to have my licence by this time next year at the absolute latest but I just can't see how this is going to happen. I feel like such a failure. Why is it other people can manage to learn and I can't? Am I just stupid? I feel like giving up but thats not an option at this stage. I'm failing my children. I need to do this but it's just not happening 😢

I'm going to see how I go for now. There's not many female automatic instructors in my area, and the few I did find don't have availability on the days I can do. So I'll try manual for a while. It helps me to put myself in a different frame of mind because it's starting fresh, if that makes sense? And it might make automatic seem easier if I do decide to go back.

Sorry I'm late in responding.

It was a particular instructor helped me coupled with determination. He was very calm, patient an accepting of my shortcomings and the fact that I was very nervous. He did not blink or pass any comment when I hit the kerb. I'm convinced that some instructors are impatient with you because you cannot drive, which is crazy.

I was also very dependent on my partner for lifts, which seemed unfair, and my life was evolving in a way which meant I had to drive.

You need to be like a dog with a bone to succeed with something you are not naturally good at.

Thank you for replying. I've changed instructors now and feeling a bit more positive about this one.

On iplayer there is a series about therapy. Change your mind change your life. One of the 'patients' is having therapy to deal with her driving anxiety. You might find it interesting.

I've had a thought. It is expensive to run a car, right? So you are anticipating this expense. Plus any therapy will cost quite a bit. It also sounds like you might be in a village if taxis are hard to come by - we have none within a 10 mile radius. So, have you thought of advertising in your very local area for a driver? You can pay for a DBS check, insist on a clean record, and pay petrol plus time. You would need to know your schedule, so that they knew when they were needed, but for someone that might be a really nice bit of extra cash. I'd do something like an hour a day, plus anything over (at minimum wage) in 15 minute chunks. You may even know of someone already that you could trust. I would even predict that if you took the pressure off yourself, you'd all of a sudden feel better about learning. And for all the townies to whom this sounds terrible - I was one for the first 45 years of my life and would have violently recoiled at my notion - many villages are different.

I read you're thinking about neurodiversity. From from one to another, your comments feel a lot like me with money/taxes/ pensions. Whenever I have to face up to that particular almighty muddle, it's like someone is screaming blah, blah, blah into my ears when I am trying desperately to focus. It is a blank, a panic and a slice of shame all mised together. It makes me feel very stupid - of course it does. Then, when someone occasionally takes a bit of the burden, my mind clears a lot. More importantly, in a lot of other areas I am OK - I'm not a total write-off. We all have our betes noire, but they are uncontrollably huge when your mind is in full rebellion. You've got yours because if the immense pressure you are feeling - reduce the pressure and the blockage will diminish in size. It is highly unlikely you aren't able to drive - something is merely standing in the way of you learning.

But I didn’t suggest just getting on a bus

My instructor told me (when I was despairing that I had a degree and post grad qualifications, but could not master driving when other ppl who I knew weren’t very bright found it really easy) that in her experience, ppl with high intelligence like doctors etc found it the most challenging bc they tended to overthink it. She was probably just trying to be kind, but her words also rang partially true as I’m notorious for this myself. I don’t just follow instructions, my brain questions everything and it leaves me anxious as I lack confidence.

Another massive obstacle was I don’t take information in by listening very well. I have to read about it and do it. One of my instructors would go on and on explaining things, giving me instructions as I drove and I found it overwhelming trying to process what they were saying while concentrating on the car itself, as well as the road and other drivers etc.

As someone mentioned before it’s about executive function among other things. I have strong ADHD traits and would ace the theory but fail practical tests. This was also down to high anxiety for tests which would throw me off when I was being closely observed for assessment. I found 2hr driving slots (soooo expensive) worked best for me but more importantly the experience of driving between times so that my lessons weren’t such a big thing as it took a while to relax into them at the start each time.

It took me a LONG time to pass despite starting at 17. I had to have frequent and prolonged breaks in between bc of lack of confidence and motivation and the sheer expense.

I know this isn’t entirely relevant to you, OP, as a single mum, and you aren’t able to rely on anyone for support to drive with you, but I just wanted to emphasise that you are not alone and it isn’t YOU. You have more obstacles to overcome that most ppl don’t have so are naturally at a disadvantage.

Have you thought of an intensive course? Sorry if I’ve missed this info in your updates. Maybe worth saving up to book a load of longer lessons with the aim of taking your test sooner. But if you pass or fail, don’t ever feel that you are a failure, just putting yourself out there is worth feeling really good about yourself that you are placing yourself outside your comfort zone for your kids - it shouldn’t be understated or underestimated .

Good luck!