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I'm 43 and I can't learn to drive!! Feel useless

457 replies

ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 09/05/2025 18:10

As per thread title, I'm now 43 and trying to learn to drive, but I just can't seem to manage it. I've been trying since my 20s and just cannot, no matter how hard I try, get my head around all the different things. I can't get my lane position right, my steering is terrible, my spacial awareness is virtually non existent. I've tried so many times and just given up. However, it has got to the point in my life where I NEED to be able to drive. I have two children who both have special needs. They will soon be going to different schools and it just won't be doable on public transport, we may in the near future have to move to an area where public transport is not great. I literally need to have my licence by this time next year at the absolute latest but I just can't see how this is going to happen. I feel like such a failure. Why is it other people can manage to learn and I can't? Am I just stupid? I feel like giving up but thats not an option at this stage. I'm failing my children. I need to do this but it's just not happening 😢

OP posts:
ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 11/05/2025 15:50

XelaM · 11/05/2025 15:48

Wow having 4 lessons per week for a year plus 19 years prior to that - you spent an absolute FORTUNE on driving lessons. It's way cheaper to get ubers everywhere. Where do you live that uber is not available? I was recently in the most rural of places in France in the middle of the night and could still get an uber.

You need to stop this madness and just get taxis when you need them. It's honestly not that much more expensive than running a car/parking tickets etc.

If you can't learn to drive in an automatic in 20 years where literally the only things to worry about are steering and braking then it's not worth throwing away money on lessons.

Edited

Where I live uber is available, however it can still be difficult to get one at certain times. However where we will be moving to, uber is non existent.

OP posts:
Bigfatsunandclouds · 11/05/2025 16:07

ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 09/05/2025 19:04

I can do that but not much else. I can just about manage a 3 point turn. Roundabouts confuse me and set me in a state of panic. I've tried parallel parking a few times but I always seem to mess that up.

Big roundabouts are terrifying sometimes especially when you are learning to drive but you just need to remember that you can just keep going round if you get in the wrong lane, you can correct yourself. For smaller ones, just remember the rule to give way to the right.

Parallel parking I'm not great at and don't really do it, they won't ask you to do it in a really tight spot on your way so just keep practicing that and as long as you can do it without hitting the curb you'll be fine.

Ask your instructor to keep going over the things you find difficult, so go on roundabouts 10 times a lesson if you need to until you are somewhat confident. As long as you can brake, not hit the curb or sway to the other side you are already driving.

CallItHome · 11/05/2025 16:22

I would be wary of spending £70 on a manual lesson. It’s much much harder. And is unlikely to result in a bigger chance of success. Even if the woman instructor is great. Ofc you are desperate. But be careful not to make rash decisions. Look around and there will be a woman who teaches automatic.

LoafofSellotape · 11/05/2025 16:24

XelaM · 11/05/2025 15:48

Wow having 4 lessons per week for a year plus 19 years prior to that - you spent an absolute FORTUNE on driving lessons. It's way cheaper to get ubers everywhere. Where do you live that uber is not available? I was recently in the most rural of places in France in the middle of the night and could still get an uber.

You need to stop this madness and just get taxis when you need them. It's honestly not that much more expensive than running a car/parking tickets etc.

If you can't learn to drive in an automatic in 20 years where literally the only things to worry about are steering and braking then it's not worth throwing away money on lessons.

Edited

I am 20 mins from London on the train and there's Uber here, lots of places don't have it unfortunately.

I agree with your other points!

MemorableTrenchcoat · 11/05/2025 16:32

XelaM · 11/05/2025 15:48

Wow having 4 lessons per week for a year plus 19 years prior to that - you spent an absolute FORTUNE on driving lessons. It's way cheaper to get ubers everywhere. Where do you live that uber is not available? I was recently in the most rural of places in France in the middle of the night and could still get an uber.

You need to stop this madness and just get taxis when you need them. It's honestly not that much more expensive than running a car/parking tickets etc.

If you can't learn to drive in an automatic in 20 years where literally the only things to worry about are steering and braking then it's not worth throwing away money on lessons.

Edited

That’s a good point, OP must have spent tens of thousands of pounds on lessons, with nothing to show for it.

ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 11/05/2025 16:47

MemorableTrenchcoat · 11/05/2025 16:32

That’s a good point, OP must have spent tens of thousands of pounds on lessons, with nothing to show for it.

If I can get there in the end it will be worth it

OP posts:
chailatte123 · 11/05/2025 16:58

Don't give up!!
I started driving tests in my teens and failed 3 times before giving up.
I then started again in my 20s and failed twice and gave up again.
I tried again in my 30s and failed again.
Eventually I started again in my 40s and passed third time.
Like you I thought I was thick, the more people asked me about it, the more stressed about it I became.
The difference for me was changing my mindset to think it didn't matter if I failed. I was prepared to fail 100 times if it meant I got there eventually.
Another big difference for me was finding a driving instructor I really liked which took a while ( I had some shocking ones, or just ones who didn't get me.)
Finally I took the test in my husbands car and had lots and lots of practice outside of lessons round and about the test route.
You can do it!

TavernGuide · 11/05/2025 17:03

A year is loads of time to sort everything out, but you do need to change your approach if you’re going to make this thing work.

First, focus on getting some more self-awareness about how you learn. This is the most important thing you can do. No instructor, no matter how good, can see the inner workings of our brain. You’re the one who needs to figure this out: what you struggle with, what helps and what does not. Only then can you ask for the right kind of help from an instructor.

Once you’ve had a good think about this, find a new instructor. Ask for recommendations (on local social media groups, from friends or neighbours etc). Check online reviews. When you find one that looks like they might be a good match, talk to them about what you find challenging and what you need to be able to learn. If they respond well (you’re looking for curiosity and willingness to try different things) do a trial lesson. If that goes well, you’re on your way. If it does not, keep looking.

Try taking everything back to the basics at first. Make sure you feel comfortable controlling the car before you start tackling the traffic. Under 17 driving schools are a great idea. So are quiet industrial estates or giant empty car parks. If you need to drive around one of these for 20 hours to feel like you can confidently handle the steering, speed, gears, etc, just do it. Do not rush this part - it will pay off.

Once you’re back in traffic, pick one thing at a time to work on. E.g. for your next lesson, you’ll just be focusing on steering and positioning, or junction approach routines including mirror checks. Your instructor can sort out everything else for you, either by telling you exactly what to do and when, or physically doing it for you. Once you’ve got the hang of this one thing, move on to the next.

And every time you’re out, keep reflecting on what’s working for you and what’s not. If you find something especially challenging, look at videos between lessons to get an idea of different ways to approach it, and discuss it with your instructor to get a better understanding of how it works.

All this might seem like a big step back if you’ve been having lessons for a while. But the fact is, you’ve probably picked up so many unresolved issues along the way that trying to fix them all in one go is just going to end up with you tying yourself in even more knots. Not helpful.

Next, drive the test routes in your area until you’re familiar with the road layouts, usual traffic patterns and such. Do a few mock tests to get structured feedback. Book a test and take it as soon as you’ve got a 50:50 chance of passing (but expect to fail the first time and only treat it as an opportunity to get real life test experience).

Shorter lessons are also a good shout. Again, self-awareness helps. Learn to recognise the length of time your brain can handle in one go (this will get longer as you get more used to driving, but don’t try to do too much too soon). Don’t go over that time because you’ll only overwhelm yourself and feel rubbish afterwards.

And finally, you need to get to grips with the fact that you’ll always make mistakes. Even after you’ve passed. Everybody does, including those with plenty of experience, so you’ll just need to live with that knowledge.

ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 11/05/2025 18:11

Byebyechicken · 11/05/2025 15:02

OP, Did you fail the hazard perception part of the theory test because you clicked too often and it wiped out all of your points?
Or because you can't detect potential hazards developing?
What feedback have you had from the driving instructors you have had?
What are they saying you need to practice or focus on?

I appreciate having your children in the car during a lesson would alleviate the need for childcare, but are you sure it wouldn't cause you even more stress and worry?
Carrying passengers is an added responsibility that may weigh heavily on your mind and concentration whilst you are on your lesson.

That's a possibility, but having my children with me wouldn't be an everyday thing. It would only be on days when I can't get childcare, and even then it would most likely be just my youngest as my elder DC will be at school. And in the school holidays she goes to holiday clubs which run between roughly 10-3 so again it would likely still be only my youngest with me. I'll have to get used to driving with them anyway if I do pass my test so maybe I'll feel less anxious then? Who knows, I can only try.

OP posts:
FunPlumZebra · 11/05/2025 21:35

I literally created an account just to post this after years of lurking because I can relate to your struggle so much. I finally passed on my 6th try at 40 a few weeks ago having started at 17. One of the things that really helped me in the end was watching hours of YouTube videos, particularly Conquer Driving channel. This guy is better than any instructor I ever had, and I had several!

You're under a lot of pressure and I feel like there's probably a lot of negative chatter in your head while driving about I'm a shit mum, I'm failing my kids. I totally get that. I have two kids also but you're under even more pressure with your situation.

I found that watching YouTube videos allowed me to absorb the details while I wasn't driving which made a real difference to how I was able to process the information (roundabouts were a real terror of mine). You can go slower with it when you are not in a car and under financial and time pressure and trying not crash.

I honestly at many points thought it would never happen for me and I do think in the end the conquer driving youtube videos were a game changer. It's worth a shot. I hope my story gives you a bit of hope that it's possible for you and try not to be so hard on yourself. Advice I struggle to take myself lol, but you are doing your best for your kids. That's not nothing! GOOD LUCK! X

JLou08 · 11/05/2025 21:40

You're not stupid. It took me ages too and it was only when I really needed it I managed to pass. I still struggle with parking and am an anxious mess going somewhere new. It's just really hard for some of us, we all have different skills and strengths.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 11/05/2025 21:47

So, I passed my test 20 years ago, 5th attempt with something like 11 minors. I had countless hours of lessons and am not a natural at all.....during one test the examiner had to use his controls twice....I was honestly that bad. Anyway, I moved to London and didn't drive again after passing until last Tuesday (aged 42). I took a refresher lesson on an automatic with a female instructor. I need to drive now for my children's sake. I found automatic a lot better and am just practicing the routes I need to do, absolutely determined now to become a confident driver.

I do totally understand where you are coming from and don't have the answers....but I do find that sitting in the car with my husband and watching him drive/trying to anticipate when he will join the roundabout, pull out at the junction etc helps me to judge my own driving.

Best of luck. And remember it doesn't have to be perfect, just safe.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 11/05/2025 21:53

FunPlumZebra · 11/05/2025 21:35

I literally created an account just to post this after years of lurking because I can relate to your struggle so much. I finally passed on my 6th try at 40 a few weeks ago having started at 17. One of the things that really helped me in the end was watching hours of YouTube videos, particularly Conquer Driving channel. This guy is better than any instructor I ever had, and I had several!

You're under a lot of pressure and I feel like there's probably a lot of negative chatter in your head while driving about I'm a shit mum, I'm failing my kids. I totally get that. I have two kids also but you're under even more pressure with your situation.

I found that watching YouTube videos allowed me to absorb the details while I wasn't driving which made a real difference to how I was able to process the information (roundabouts were a real terror of mine). You can go slower with it when you are not in a car and under financial and time pressure and trying not crash.

I honestly at many points thought it would never happen for me and I do think in the end the conquer driving youtube videos were a game changer. It's worth a shot. I hope my story gives you a bit of hope that it's possible for you and try not to be so hard on yourself. Advice I struggle to take myself lol, but you are doing your best for your kids. That's not nothing! GOOD LUCK! X

I'm off to look at those videos now....thanks!

ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 12/05/2025 08:39

FunPlumZebra · 11/05/2025 21:35

I literally created an account just to post this after years of lurking because I can relate to your struggle so much. I finally passed on my 6th try at 40 a few weeks ago having started at 17. One of the things that really helped me in the end was watching hours of YouTube videos, particularly Conquer Driving channel. This guy is better than any instructor I ever had, and I had several!

You're under a lot of pressure and I feel like there's probably a lot of negative chatter in your head while driving about I'm a shit mum, I'm failing my kids. I totally get that. I have two kids also but you're under even more pressure with your situation.

I found that watching YouTube videos allowed me to absorb the details while I wasn't driving which made a real difference to how I was able to process the information (roundabouts were a real terror of mine). You can go slower with it when you are not in a car and under financial and time pressure and trying not crash.

I honestly at many points thought it would never happen for me and I do think in the end the conquer driving youtube videos were a game changer. It's worth a shot. I hope my story gives you a bit of hope that it's possible for you and try not to be so hard on yourself. Advice I struggle to take myself lol, but you are doing your best for your kids. That's not nothing! GOOD LUCK! X

Thanks, I'll have a look

OP posts:
BrillantBriony · 12/05/2025 19:31

Such a shame you’re not local to West London you’d really make a breakthrough with my instructor.

These are the tips he gave me about positioning:

  1. imagine your left leg as a tool to gage where your positioning. Your left leg being the centre.
  2. if your nervous about your positioning follow the darkened tire marks on the road
  3. when your driving looking 3-4 vehicles ahead of you in the direction of travel will help you to align naturally.
  4. the car and you are not separate things. When you get into the car you and the car are one. The car moves are you move. It’s instinctive.

I tend to use the 2nd one when on the motorway and passing very large lorries!

When I was learning I hated going faster than 30mph. My instructor took me on roads with limits from 40-60mph. He made it very clear that I needed to travel at the speed limit as not doing so would make me a) a hazard and b) put me in danger.

I’m actually grateful he did this as during my test I ended up on a country road with a speed limit of 60mph! I was mortified. I could hear my instructor telling me ‘you need to put your foot down and do at least 55mph when you stepped into the car you already passed this test, but your actions over the next 40 mins will determine if you loose it’.

My instructor also made me talk to myself whilst driving so an example might be ‘right I’m just going to overtake this parked car, let me check my right mirror, all clear, ok now I’m checking my left mirror as I slide back into my lane. Oh there’s a hazard, woman with a toddler etc…’

This technique really helps to calm nerves.

another point my instructor made was that during my test the examiner will talk to and that I should respond with closed answers. In the my case my examiner said ‘I get a lot of teenagers, and they can’t drive and talk and that worries me, that’s a hazard!’ So I knew then I had to talk! Haha! I made sure to always bring the talk back to a narrative on the road and what was going on.

The last piece of advice is that ultimately an examiner has to feel safe with you.

Lastly, I also passed in my 40s too!

ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 12/05/2025 22:35

BrillantBriony · 12/05/2025 19:31

Such a shame you’re not local to West London you’d really make a breakthrough with my instructor.

These are the tips he gave me about positioning:

  1. imagine your left leg as a tool to gage where your positioning. Your left leg being the centre.
  2. if your nervous about your positioning follow the darkened tire marks on the road
  3. when your driving looking 3-4 vehicles ahead of you in the direction of travel will help you to align naturally.
  4. the car and you are not separate things. When you get into the car you and the car are one. The car moves are you move. It’s instinctive.

I tend to use the 2nd one when on the motorway and passing very large lorries!

When I was learning I hated going faster than 30mph. My instructor took me on roads with limits from 40-60mph. He made it very clear that I needed to travel at the speed limit as not doing so would make me a) a hazard and b) put me in danger.

I’m actually grateful he did this as during my test I ended up on a country road with a speed limit of 60mph! I was mortified. I could hear my instructor telling me ‘you need to put your foot down and do at least 55mph when you stepped into the car you already passed this test, but your actions over the next 40 mins will determine if you loose it’.

My instructor also made me talk to myself whilst driving so an example might be ‘right I’m just going to overtake this parked car, let me check my right mirror, all clear, ok now I’m checking my left mirror as I slide back into my lane. Oh there’s a hazard, woman with a toddler etc…’

This technique really helps to calm nerves.

another point my instructor made was that during my test the examiner will talk to and that I should respond with closed answers. In the my case my examiner said ‘I get a lot of teenagers, and they can’t drive and talk and that worries me, that’s a hazard!’ So I knew then I had to talk! Haha! I made sure to always bring the talk back to a narrative on the road and what was going on.

The last piece of advice is that ultimately an examiner has to feel safe with you.

Lastly, I also passed in my 40s too!

My last instructor told me about the left leg thing but I still can't get it right 😫

OP posts:
Gyozas · 13/05/2025 00:07

ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 12/05/2025 22:35

My last instructor told me about the left leg thing but I still can't get it right 😫

Some posters are writing you really thoughtful and considered posts. 💛

Is your lane placement really no more improved than it was when you started twenty years ago? Or at least since you started your four hours a week of lessons?

ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 13/05/2025 00:13

Gyozas · 13/05/2025 00:07

Some posters are writing you really thoughtful and considered posts. 💛

Is your lane placement really no more improved than it was when you started twenty years ago? Or at least since you started your four hours a week of lessons?

My lessons over 20 years haven't been continuous. I've had quite a long gap, i got disheartened and gave up. however I've been having 4 hours over the past years. But keep having to stop during the school holidays days due to childcare.

OP posts:
Glitterblue · 13/05/2025 00:39

I started learning in my 20s, I had a really grumpy, impatient instructor. Back then, reversing round a corner was a thing in the test and I just couldn’t do it, thought I never would. Gave up. Tried again with a different instructor but still didn’t get very far. I was ok at just straight forward driving but roundabouts and the manoeuvres really scared me. I didn’t think I’d ever “get” changing down the gears on the approach to a roundabout and knowing just when to go. Gave up again. I drove around a bit with my husband but not much.

Then in my mid 40s I decided to try again. I found an amazing female instructor and made good progress with her. The way she taught the manoeuvres made them seem so easy. I failed twice but passed on my third time with one minor. That was 18 months ago and I’ve gained so much confidence since then, and even though reversing round a corner isn’t in the test any more, I found myself just doing it the other day because I needed to, and it was nothing like as complicated as I used to think it was.

For me, just getting out there and practising was the thing, my husband took me out loads for extra practice. I feel as if I’ve improved SO much since my test as well. Things I used to avoid I do without even thinking now. I can honestly say it’s changed my life.

Hufflemuff · 13/05/2025 03:10

I'd do an intensive driving course. 6hrs a day for 5 days a week with a test booked at the end of that week. It gives you really long periods of time in the car constantly practising. I didn't learn effectively doing 2 hrs a week for what seemed like forever, especially as a beginner. I felt like the first 1 hour was always me remembering what I was taught the lesson prior.

ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 13/05/2025 13:13

OK... update!

I have decided to change driving instructors. I had my first lesson with a female instructor this time, however she only teaches manual (yes, I know it sounds crazy, but I thought why the heck not lol). She was much better at explaining things than all the previous instructors I've had, she was very patient and not overly critical, which I found helpful. We ended the lesson going over the positives, and she gave me some printed worksheets to go over at home, which I hadn't had before. Feeling a bit more positive than I was last week!

OP posts:
DoYouReally · 13/05/2025 13:15

This is great news.

You sound so much more positive and less stressed already.

I'd bet on your passing your test later this year.

CanOfMangoTango · 13/05/2025 16:19

That sounds like a really encouraging update OP.

LilDeVille · 13/05/2025 18:22

That’s great. You can do it!

XelaM · 13/05/2025 22:19

Well done OP but could you find a female instructor for an automatic? I don't mean to be negative, but driving an automatic is really much much easier than a manual. I think it's crazy to switch to manual if you're trying to pass quickly. (I drive both automatic and manual on a daily basis)

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