I'm 43 and I can't learn to drive!! Feel useless

[ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed]

As per thread title, I'm now 43 and trying to learn to drive, but I just can't seem to manage it. I've been trying since my 20s and just cannot, no matter how hard I try, get my head around all the different things. I can't get my lane position right, my steering is terrible, my spacial awareness is virtually non existent. I've tried so many times and just given up. However, it has got to the point in my life where I NEED to be able to drive. I have two children who both have special needs. They will soon be going to different schools and it just won't be doable on public transport, we may in the near future have to move to an area where public transport is not great. I literally need to have my licence by this time next year at the absolute latest but I just can't see how this is going to happen. I feel like such a failure. Why is it other people can manage to learn and I can't? Am I just stupid? I feel like giving up but thats not an option at this stage. I'm failing my children. I need to do this but it's just not happening 😢

He does have stickers but I have no idea what they're for.

Have you had the same instructor throughout?

I really struggled when I first started learning. Took my test 4 times, but always fucked up either the 3-point turn or the reverse round the corner.

After my 4th test, the waiting list for tests was really long (a year), so I stopped having lessons and when I was ready to start again, my previous instructor was fully booked, so I got another one. His approach was really different, he was very patient, and he explained things in a completely different way. I sailed through my 5th test without a single fault.

I've been driving for over 50 years now and must have done countless thousands of miles, and in all that time I've had 2 minor accidents (which is a miracle because I'm a complete klutz and really accident prone).

If you've always had the same one, I'd try someone different.

This was me 4 months ago.
I'd been trying to learn to drive on and off for nearly 10 years. I once had a driving instructor refund me the rest of my bulk booking because he thought I wouldn't pass ever.
It made me feel like such a failure.
In the end I posted on my local Facebook page asked for instructor recommendations.
The same driving school kept coming up so I got in touch with them.
I found it really useful to be really upfront with the instructor on the first lesson what I was finding hard.
The first instructor I had did a trial lesson with me and gave me lots of confidence but said she thought that I'd be better with a different instructor from the school. He was very methodical with his teaching and would show me lots of visuals on his iPad of exactly what to do. He was really patient and helped me find a reference point for everything.
I passed my test 6months later and have been driving my own car for 4 months.
You can do it!

It’s really easy to get a ‘thing’ about driving, so don’t beat yourself up about it, but do realise it’s irrational. Some people learn slower for sure, but anyone can learn to
drive.

Get an automatic
Get a lovely driving instructor who is good with low confidence people who find it tough
Have some CBT to reframe your thinking if you are really hung up
keep at it, no more gaps

I found learning to drive very hard. I passed my test a year ago, and driving after my test has been absolutely fine. My biggest problem was getting over the thought that I couldn't do it, and the way my nervous system would short circuit over micro-analysing my instructor micro-analysing me.
Things that helped me:
An instructor with a gentle manner and nerves of steel, who was happy to talk me through things in real time.
A small car to learn in, which had a parking cam.
Lots and lots of practice (like, so much) to get my foot calibrated.

I honestly was wishing I'd never started, was so scared I'd never pass, literally just before I passed on my second try.
It is possible to feel completely hopeless, but actually not be.
Good luck

Are you ND possibly?
If it helps, I passed on my first go, learning to drive in London.
That scarred me for life and I haven't driven since. With instructor in the car and their dual pedals I felt fine.
I have terrible fear of hitting someone and the spatial skills plus the multitasking 😭
I'm fairly competent in various areas of life, but driver I'm not. Maybe you aren't either?

OP, I am very similar. Co-parenting with difficult ex and finding it very difficult as a non-driver. Makes loads of things so much harder. Also feel like I’m failing my 12 year old son as well as failing myself.
I have terrible spatial awareness and possible dyspraxia. Understand all your feelings.
i am going to try some of the tips above.
Out of interest are you left-handed? I am and have always struggled with coordination and doing multiple things at once. I feel like I’m a bit out of sync with the world sometimes and kind of get sensory overload.
When I’m being kind to myself I think that bit of my brain must be filled with some kind of other “skill”. I am often called out (in a good way) for my creativity and I see patterns easily / think outside the box, but I’d swap pretty much all of that for being able to drive X

Watching YouTube videos helped me a lot. Conquer Driving on YouTube really explains everything clearly and you might find it’s easier to take in information when you are not stressed and in the situation. I know you’ve said you’ve tried a few instructors but it is possible that none of them were the right fit for you. Especially if you’re ND and have specific learning styles. I passed a few weeks after switching instructor and my previous one told me he didn’t think I’d ever be about to drive.

I don’t know where you are but I have found a place that specialises in teaching people with ‘high anxiety, specific needs, or if you just find learning to drive challenging’. They are called 1nfluence. If not your area they may be able to guide you to another company or you could google similar.

I see. I’m sorry to hear that, sounds very tough indeed ❤️

not sure what you are looking for in this thread. the only thing you can possibly do is just to keep trying and drive as much as you can outside of your lessons until it just click. there is no trick that someone else may know that will just immediately work on you. our brains all work differently and we learn in different ways.

although you said you are not anxious, you do seem it from your responses, at least you seem to have a negative mindset. you need to overcome that first of all.

otherwise, it may be best for you and your family to live where there is better public transport.

Dont give up. Took me over 2 years of non stop lessons, two instructors, 4 tests and beta blockers prescriptions. But I got my license! And was commuting all over the country. Was never a great "natural" driver, but safe and confident!

Just to make you feel better, I never learned to ride a bike in a city. I can ride it (I can go on rides in the countryside, for example), but never felt safe or confident enough to ride it on the road! I even had paid lessons - nope, did not help ))

Dsis took her test 21 times and passed in an automatic. You also need a lot of practice with someone very calm. I taught my exH to drive and I honestly though he was never going to be safe on the road but he managed it in the end.

I've got so much sympathy for you, it took me a really long time to learn. I hated every second of it and eventually for similar reasons (kids needing to get around and living rurally) told myself I just had to make myself keep going until I passed.

I was lucky to have a patient dh and every weekend for months and months we'd load the kids up and I'd drive us around and around a school car park just figuring out the basics.. I know that's not an option for you and so it will take longer but you'll make up the hours in the end with lessons just don't be afraid to ask them for similar basic skills.

My test was booked six months in advance and despite neither of us expecting me to pass (my instructor literally told me he wasn't expecting me to actually show up when I did) I had an easy test and got lucky.. I only went because I was so desperate to pass and told myself I could pull over and run away if I needed to but had to at least try.

My one recommendation other than just keeping on (and I know how miserable that is) would be to find an instructor with the fanciest car possible, I passed in a bmw with full reverse/ side/ front/ everything cameras and the guides on the screen to show where the car would go at the angle I was steering etc.

Make it as easy as you can on yourself and huge well done for keeping on.

For me driving only really 'clicked' once I separated the act from the reality of worrying about being hit or hitting something or someone constantly. Driving several tonnes of metal around at speed isn't a natural human state and easier if you've learnt young before knowing how scary the world can be.. but you can do it..it just takes some of us longer than others and that's ok.

I think the only negative to taxis you've mentioned is cost rather than unsuitability, lack of availability etc? Have you drawn up a comprehensive list to compare the cost of car ownership (lessons, tests, car, insurance, MOT, servicing, maintenance, fuel, car seats, cleaning etc) with the cost of taxis? I was shocked at how expensive it all is. I wonder if the saving will be as much as you think?

You may not remember Maureen from the tv show Driving School. She got there in the end and she was older.

Driving with someone else daily is key. I know it may not be possible but if you went driving for at least an hour everyday driving would soon feel like second nature (after a few month). I couldn’t do it with just lessons

Is there something specific you keep failing on, Op?

For me it was reverse parking into a bay. I couldn't get the hang of it in lessons and I failed 2 tests on this (the last part of the test in my local area was always reversing into a bay in the test centre.) In the end my instructor suggested I take my test at a test centre in the neighbouring town. As they only had on-street parking. It worked and I passed. Wondering if there's a similar workaround for whatever issues are tripping you up?

(BTW, Passed my test 20 years ago and I still can't reverse park into a bay. I just drive in forwards and reverse out!)

Do you practise in your own car or the instructor’s car @ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed?

Change instructor

i had 3

my third was fantastic

For me and I've only recently passed at 44, it was a combination of doing automatic lessons and an absolutely amazingly instructor! Every time I had a bad lesson, he'd keep me going. For parking, use reference points in the mirrors. He never once made me feel stupid for making mistakes. I passed 2nd time with him.

You need someone who's patient, calm and understanding. I guess I got lucky in the end. I also tried multiple times over 20 years too.

Also chat to your instructor to make it second nature

on the test I was talking about holidays and family life
it really relaxed me

I know you think getting taxis is expensive but have you actually worked out how much buying and running a car would actually cost?
Also, could you buy a car for a family member who then could drop off and pick up your DC? Or pay someone to do it

It must be so worrying for you but maybe you start looking for other solutions.

Have you tried watching mock driving tests on YouTube? There's quite a few instructors with YouTube channels. I really struggled and found learning with an instructor hard but I started watching these and it worked. Some have people doing their lessons with another camera focusing on their feet. I found watching them do it more helpful than my instructor telling me to do it.
It's true what they say that you only really learn to drive once you've passed. I getting better everyday since passing my test in March.

You need to change your narrative OP. You need to change that voice that is telling you you're thick, you can't do it, why would you do it now after all this time yadi ya. This alone at least is not going to help you and at most just plain old will fail you.

Practise positive affirmations, write them down. Remember that when you start trying again the past failures don't mean anything, you aren't the past you. You are a different you, a you that needs this, to survive and to give your kids what they need.