I'm 43 and I can't learn to drive!! Feel useless

[ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed]

As per thread title, I'm now 43 and trying to learn to drive, but I just can't seem to manage it. I've been trying since my 20s and just cannot, no matter how hard I try, get my head around all the different things. I can't get my lane position right, my steering is terrible, my spacial awareness is virtually non existent. I've tried so many times and just given up. However, it has got to the point in my life where I NEED to be able to drive. I have two children who both have special needs. They will soon be going to different schools and it just won't be doable on public transport, we may in the near future have to move to an area where public transport is not great. I literally need to have my licence by this time next year at the absolute latest but I just can't see how this is going to happen. I feel like such a failure. Why is it other people can manage to learn and I can't? Am I just stupid? I feel like giving up but thats not an option at this stage. I'm failing my children. I need to do this but it's just not happening 😢

Realistically, what would happen if you did just give up though.

If you cannot physically get 2 kids to school on time in 2 different schools then you can’t. DC1 can be late to school everyday, DC2 gets picked up late from school everyday and the council/SS can decide what they want to do about it.

I understand that it could be distressing for DC but you are in an impossible situation and should be getting help.

It sounds like you have to overcome the panic first as the technical side of driving is probably already there by the sounds of it. Sorry, not much help as that is quite hard.

What about them? If, despite your very best efforts, driving to a safe standard is not a skill you're capable of learning, then you'll have to find some other solution.

OP, if you’re struggling and putting too much pressure on yourself, this is bound to make you anxious and dread your lessons each time and you’re not going to be consolidating anything you learn. There are a lot of resources on YouTube and TikTok etc from driving instructors that talk you through skills eg. conquer driving, zondo driving, advanced driving school etc. Watch a few of those, and if you’re anxious, try watching some videos on there from a driver’s POV. It really helps with awareness and anxiety.

Same, and also have advised my DD to learn it young if she plans to drive at all.
As for me - I've made my peace with it, I will never drive. But I don't have to, as we live in a place with excellent public transport.

No need to feel worse - you are already beating yourself up enough, and going into it with the idea that you cant do it will be putting a huge amount of pressure on yourself. I had something similar until I had this idea - it really shifted things for me.

There is no help.

There isn't one. I've looked into it, there just isn't.

The same idea was put to me a year or so ago. It worked for a while, until it didn't.

Does your instructor give you reference points to help with your spatial awareness, or just expect you to get it?

Do you have any links? I've watched some videos, but haven't found them to be of much help.

I too was going to suggest hypnotherapy OP, the therapist may be able to teach you to be calm when you're behind the wheel, which is usually half the battle when you're learning, why not email one and see what they say?

Also, and I know this sounds daft, but if one of your kids has some toy cars, try sitting down when you're on your own, and playing with them. It really helped my big butch DH to learn how to reverse a bloody great articulated lorry, even though he was used to driving big vehicles, he couldn't seem to get it in his head, until he bought a toy one, and saw how it actually worked. It will also help with your parallel parking, as if you 'park' 2 toy cars, and then reverse the third one in between them, you will get a feel for the point at which you need to start turning. Give it a try, you might surprise yourself.

Not really. Only that the wing mirrors should be in line with the give way lines. Other than that they expect me to just get it (which of course I don't).

Then it is probably time to seek some therapy for anxiety.

But I don't suffer from anxiety in other aspect of life. It's only driving. And even that's not anxiety as such, more a feeling of worthlessness.

If it’s just your spatial awareness?

Are you always learning in the same car?

I am a good driver but I really struggle when I change cars because I can’t work out how big it is.

You want to get the smallest car possible and learn in this.
Then when you pass (which you will) get the same size car.

You need to continually practice.
Not have a few lessons and then give up for months because you end up losing all of your hard work and feeling even more anxious.

The biggest issue for you, is that you are not sat in a car on a daily basis and so you’re not getting used to being on the road.

I am a good driver and I think it’s because my mum always drove and so being on the road was normal to me.
I am also a gamer and that definitely helps with driving, cognitive awareness and hand/eye coordination etc. but most of the games are American (so may not be the best to teach you).

I would get on the road as much as possible.
Take public transport, cycle on the roads etc.

I am 100% getting my DC insured on my car because it’s the experience of being on the roads that is as important than the actual lessons.

Both my parents drove when I was a child. In fact most of my family did. You'd think this would have helped me, but it hasn't.

As gently as possible, some people like me can't drive because disability makes us a danger to ourselves, our passengers, other people. You need to break the mindset that you can't be good at things because you can't drive. Honestly I am not surprised you aren't good at it, because the amount of stress you must experience around not being able to do something you have convinced yourself you HAVE to do, would make me fall apart at the thought of that thing.

You aren't a terrible mother, you are doing the best for your children. Taxis aren't that expensive if you limit your journeys and would otherwise be running a car. Your children may not have all the experiences that they would have had if you drove, but that won't harm them.

https://youtube.com/@conquerdriving?si=A-jNYt4ke1k123EQ - This guy is brilliant. There are videos on every skill and he’s excellent at explaining.

https://youtube.com/@advancedrivingschool?si=RaFDkp9xrhhDz9ZB - similar story here

https://youtube.com/@zondodriving?si=fwKvkW3T0vRiIcaG - and here.

There are other options, it depends what works best for you, really.

Look on YouTube too as that’s how I learnt to parallel park.

I don’t believe driving has any correlation to intelligence.

I know some very clever people who struggle to drive and I know some people who are incredible drivers but not overly intelligent by society’s standards.

In fact, the more intelligent you are, the harder you probably find it because you over think.

You deserve to be on the road as much as anyone else.
You can in control of the car and not the other way around.

This is quite a good way to see it actually, we're just old souls who haven't quite evolved yet! Give us a horse and cart and we'd probably be fine 🤣

Well it is certainly enough to be stopping you from learning. There are courses for driving anxiety but any therapist who works with anxiety should be able to help. Or do an intensive course, like I suggested earlier.

I came on to say this. You need practice in between lessons, and off-road if possible. I took my DC round Tesco car park so many times, to practice spatial awareness, turning, steering and parking, and just general handling of the car.
I hope you can find someone to help you.

There are great videos on the channels I have linked about reference points but other than that, if you’re struggling you need to tell your instructor so he can give you tips.

Thanks, I'll have a look