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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I'm 43 and I can't learn to drive!! Feel useless

457 replies

ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 09/05/2025 18:10

As per thread title, I'm now 43 and trying to learn to drive, but I just can't seem to manage it. I've been trying since my 20s and just cannot, no matter how hard I try, get my head around all the different things. I can't get my lane position right, my steering is terrible, my spacial awareness is virtually non existent. I've tried so many times and just given up. However, it has got to the point in my life where I NEED to be able to drive. I have two children who both have special needs. They will soon be going to different schools and it just won't be doable on public transport, we may in the near future have to move to an area where public transport is not great. I literally need to have my licence by this time next year at the absolute latest but I just can't see how this is going to happen. I feel like such a failure. Why is it other people can manage to learn and I can't? Am I just stupid? I feel like giving up but thats not an option at this stage. I'm failing my children. I need to do this but it's just not happening 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 09/05/2025 18:58

real13 · 09/05/2025 18:56

You can do this!!

Honestly, I’m as thick as shit and have zero common sense. I’ve got an appalling memory and I find learning new things INCREDIBLY difficult. I really struggle under pressure and find it hard to think on the spot.

My second driving instructor used to literally scream at me in frustration (horrible bitch). Anyway, I had so many lessons and I felt 100% sure that I was not capable of learning to drive.

I passed on my 3rd test and I cried my eyes out. I genuinely didn’t think I was capable. I remember thinking if I can do it, then anyone can.

I’ve been driving for 4 years, and got more confident at it the last 2. I just drive short distances to get me from A to B. I’m so glad I persevered.

Genuinely though, if I can do it, anyone can.

How did you do it in the end?

OP posts:
Jennifershuffles · 09/05/2025 18:59

It sounds like you might be dyspraxic. I can't drive and find that living in London helps! Can you move somewhere with decent public transport?

Candlesandmatches · 09/05/2025 19:00

What are you having problems with specifically?
also have you considered hypnosis?

MoominMai · 09/05/2025 19:01

@ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed This is such a sad post to read. I empathise with your frustration and the urgency of your need. From a practical perspective I’m not sure how you can improve on 4hours per week.

However as suggested by @Cakeandusername, if you haven’t already would definitely recommend taking some contingency actions and exploring possible transport provision entitlement for children with SEN given public transport isn’t possible.

Maybe (unconciously) because of the sheer desperate need to obtain your licence, the stress is preventing you from from focussing properly on those core principles of lane discipline, steering etc, that you mentioned and perhaps if there is an interim solution in place for a while it may lessen that and enable you to be in a better place to pass.

Wishing you all the best 🍀

4kids3pets · 09/05/2025 19:02

Eh I'm sorry but if you can't learn in an automatic after all these years then your actually a danger on the road tbh

Original poster
ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 09/05/2025 19:04

TheBerry · 09/05/2025 18:58

Have you made any progress at all in the last year?

What are your instructor’s thoughts on it?

What can you actually do? Can you drive down a road without hitting the curb? Can you brake in time at lights?

I can do that but not much else. I can just about manage a 3 point turn. Roundabouts confuse me and set me in a state of panic. I've tried parallel parking a few times but I always seem to mess that up.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 09/05/2025 19:05

4kids3pets · 09/05/2025 19:02

Eh I'm sorry but if you can't learn in an automatic after all these years then your actually a danger on the road tbh

Thanks, that's really helpful (NOT)

OP posts:
Byebyechicken · 09/05/2025 19:05

There must be other options. If you can't drive, you can't drive! There's millions of people who can't drive and they have to work around it. Some of them have disabled children and still have to find ways around it. It's unfortunate but after 20 years of trying, I'm not sure another year is going to yield the results you're looking for.
What will you do then?

Goldenbear · 09/05/2025 19:08

QuartzIlikeit · 09/05/2025 18:30

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you just might not be able to learn. I know 2 people who genuinely can't manage to learn to drive as they have zero spatial awareness and cannot manage to do more than 1 thing at once in a car.

They are both not thick (using your words), have good careers, manage multiple people at work, have families etc but cannot for the life of them master driving not matter how desperate they are to do so.

I think that some people are just not able to 'get it' and it has nothing to do with being thick- just your brain & body work in a way that's not suited to driving.

You've said you've had lots of lessons, in an automatic car, have had different instructors etc but still can't manage it. It may be time to accept that it's isn't going to happen for you & make alternative arrangements.

I know it sucks, but sometimes you do have to accept your limitations. Sorry.

I know someone like that and they did pass in an automatic but they are terrifying to be a passenger with and tbh I can't believe they passed!

Original poster
ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 09/05/2025 19:09

Byebyechicken · 09/05/2025 19:05

There must be other options. If you can't drive, you can't drive! There's millions of people who can't drive and they have to work around it. Some of them have disabled children and still have to find ways around it. It's unfortunate but after 20 years of trying, I'm not sure another year is going to yield the results you're looking for.
What will you do then?

For me there are no other ways around it. SEN school transport isn't as easy to get as people think it is. And then there's outside of school as well. I don't have anyone who can drive them around and taxis are expensive. I want to just give up but I don't have the option.

OP posts:
MemorableTrenchcoat · 09/05/2025 19:13

ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 09/05/2025 19:09

For me there are no other ways around it. SEN school transport isn't as easy to get as people think it is. And then there's outside of school as well. I don't have anyone who can drive them around and taxis are expensive. I want to just give up but I don't have the option.

Show quote history

Not everyone is capable of driving. If you've had over 200 lessons in the past year and made no progress, you may have to accept this is a skill you simply cannot master.

piccalili · 09/05/2025 19:15

Sorry to hear this. It must be costing a lot of money for you too. Do you have any other issues in daily life eg with spatial awareness? How often per week do you practice driving?

Original poster
ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 09/05/2025 19:15

MemorableTrenchcoat · 09/05/2025 19:13

Not everyone is capable of driving. If you've had over 200 lessons in the past year and made no progress, you may have to accept this is a skill you simply cannot master.

Show quote history

So what about my children?

OP posts:
Commonsense22 · 09/05/2025 19:15

OP, I have friends who choose not to have a car and take ubers everywhere, with 2 young children. It works out cheaper for them.

Do your children's require special equipment to be sat in a car?

Letsummercommence · 09/05/2025 19:16

Op I honestly can't imagine it's anything but the pressure.
I passed in the end ( failed 4 times over 10 years ) because I realised genuinely daft people from school had passed before me. I had absorbed the message ( from men) that women drivers were inherently a bit crap at some of it.

In the end my motivated was a bloke (ironically) I fancied who needed regular airport lifts. Did an intensive course and passed after 2 weeks.

I was a still a bit shit for years to be honest (2 prangs lots of dents). Mid 40's I can happily drive anything, anywhere.

Original poster
ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 09/05/2025 19:16

piccalili · 09/05/2025 19:15

Sorry to hear this. It must be costing a lot of money for you too. Do you have any other issues in daily life eg with spatial awareness? How often per week do you practice driving?

2 lessons, 4 hours a week. I'm not aware of any other spatial awareness issues in daily life.

OP posts:
Hotflushesandchilblains · 09/05/2025 19:17

Have you thought about an intensive course? I learned in a week (although I had good road awareness beforehand because I cycled around London for years). But I think regular lessons would not have worked well for me - it was good for me to have more time in the car each day and really get my head around things.

Original poster
ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 09/05/2025 19:18

Commonsense22 · 09/05/2025 19:15

OP, I have friends who choose not to have a car and take ubers everywhere, with 2 young children. It works out cheaper for them.

Do your children's require special equipment to be sat in a car?

Believe it or not, Uber isn't available in all parts of the country. Sounds crazy know but it's true. My only option is to get driving somehow. There must be some secret I'm not aware of!

OP posts:
Hotflushesandchilblains · 09/05/2025 19:18

PS, as a PP said - the thing that also helped was realizing that lots of people I knew to be stupid could drive so if they could, I could also learn. It changed my attitude in a way that was really helpful (although its not a nice thought).

AnotherNaCha · 09/05/2025 19:21

Hypnotherapy! You need to reframe this and how you see it and yourself

Original poster
ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 09/05/2025 19:21

Hotflushesandchilblains · 09/05/2025 19:18

PS, as a PP said - the thing that also helped was realizing that lots of people I knew to be stupid could drive so if they could, I could also learn. It changed my attitude in a way that was really helpful (although its not a nice thought).

This actually makes me feel worse. If stupid people can learn, that must mean I'm even more stupid. And a terrible mother at that 😭

OP posts:
AlpacaMittens · 09/05/2025 19:21

I have a licence but never driven as frankly I'd be a danger out on the road. I have zero spatial awareness and zero sense of direction. I can memorise the highway code, but signs or road markings in real life completely throw me. Roundabouts - 100% forget about it. Nothing helpful for the OP sadly, I just absolutely empathise.

KatherineParr · 09/05/2025 19:22

I hear you OP - I hate driving. I know a PP asked this but what bits of driving can you do/feel confident about? FWIW I passed my driving test years ago and have never parallel parked since. I can't get my head round it. I can drive safely though!

Original poster
ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed · 09/05/2025 19:22

AnotherNaCha · 09/05/2025 19:21

Hypnotherapy! You need to reframe this and how you see it and yourself

Is hypnotherapy expensive?

OP posts:
reallyalurker · 09/05/2025 19:22

I had to give up trying to learn last year for various reasons - but one thing someone suggested to me that might have helped was to try exercise or physical activity that would help with co-ordination. Yoga, dancing, whatever works for you. Might be worth trying (I didn't pursue it because my sight deteriorated to the point where I couldn't have driven anyway). I'm sorry, really frustrating - hard not to beat oneself up about it.