I'm 43 and I can't learn to drive!! Feel useless

[ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed]

As per thread title, I'm now 43 and trying to learn to drive, but I just can't seem to manage it. I've been trying since my 20s and just cannot, no matter how hard I try, get my head around all the different things. I can't get my lane position right, my steering is terrible, my spacial awareness is virtually non existent. I've tried so many times and just given up. However, it has got to the point in my life where I NEED to be able to drive. I have two children who both have special needs. They will soon be going to different schools and it just won't be doable on public transport, we may in the near future have to move to an area where public transport is not great. I literally need to have my licence by this time next year at the absolute latest but I just can't see how this is going to happen. I feel like such a failure. Why is it other people can manage to learn and I can't? Am I just stupid? I feel like giving up but thats not an option at this stage. I'm failing my children. I need to do this but it's just not happening 😢

So I passed on my 4th attempt mid 20s but i didnt drive till 20 years later. Everything went so fast, i couldnt remmeber the rules (not really of the road but of the parking, maneuvers) i got refresher lessons 5 years ago with a great instructor who basically said to me all you have to do is protect your bubble. You are in.car in a bubble. Don't let anyone get too close . And to be honest , basically that's it. After that revelation I sort of relaxed more. Now I drive everywhere , the night before sick nerves have gone, i almost enjoy it on a sunny day in the countryside ... I don't remember weird formula for parking . Justndont hitnthecar in front or behind.
When you relax a bit the more you practice the easier it will get, honestly.

The othee tip he sid was to mlensurenthebwing mirrors sre djusted to what useful for you . And dip them when to need to see curbs, white lines etc when parking .

Good luck . You got this

This is me. I was the same as OP, a million lessons over about twenty years, a hundred different instructors, manual and automatic but I couldn't do it. I just couldn’t process all the information. When I looked in the mirror I didn’t know what I was looking at or how to process the information I saw (I’m not ND but something is not working when it comes to driving). One of my tests I apparently failed (unbeknown to me) before I’d even left the test centre 😮

Amazingly enough I did eventually pass (I lost count how many tests, 6 or 7 or maybe more). I did have a couple of cars but hated every second and I did give up as it wasn’t absolutely necessary I drove. I seem to be in a minority though so hopefully because OP has to do it she will persevere more than me. If I can pass OP can, it just might take a few goes. 🤞

If you have been learning for 20 years and still feel like you aren’t getting anywhere I would accept it is something you won’t be able to do. Lots of people don’t drive for various reasons and lots of people don’t own a car/don't want to own a car/can’t afford a car.

I know someone who has never learnt because they can’t read number plates and never got further than trying to do that. My adult dc has had to give up (I suspect dyspraxia) and the driving instructor says people with dyspraxia find it particularly hard to learn.

Please don't be so hard on yourself! You sound like a brilliant mum who will do anything for her kids. In my view you're actually setting a great example by showing that even if you find something hard, persevering is what counts. I've also had multiple attempts at learning to drive so know the feeling of 'I'll never be able to do this" all too well. My last instructor was awful and destroyed the minimal confidence I had - now I've got a great instructor that encourages me to make mistakes and learn from them...It's like night and day. He specialises in people learning later in life rather than 17 year olds which I think helps massively. Might it be worth trying another instructor?

In any event just wanted to wish you luck - you can do this!!!

The trouble is, most instructors haven't yet had the difficulty of trying to teach someone like me yet. They all start off optimistic, telling me that I can learn and that there will be no problems blah blah blah until they realise how crap I am. Then they start to give up hope. I can just tell. I've paid upfront for 10 hours of lessons and I've got 4 hours left, my instructor hasn't even got back to me with a time to take those remaining 4 hours yet. I can tell he doesn't really want to teach me anymore.

I felt exactly the same, but I passed 4 years ago. I really love driving now! It’s made my life so much easier.
I tried learning a few times in my 20s (manual), and thought I would never get it.
Things that really helped me -

1. I learnt automatic only.
2. A really good instructor. He was really calm, explained things very clearly. Even if your instructor makes you a little bit nervous, then scrap them.
3. Do as many lessons as close together as possible.
4. I had a real problem with staying centre of my lane and veering, so I watched many YouTube videos and googled tips and tricks. The one that really helped me was this tip https://youtube.com/shorts/picNq_hz-eY?si=2qpud1hDKccufdo7

Good luck OP! You can do it. It’s really scary at first, but you do just get the hang of it eventually.

You say your children are SEN, do you also have needs? It sounds as if LA support to get the children to their schools would
be the best way to proceed?

You'd think so, but it's not that simple.

Many people struggle with the same things you do. If they didn’t, instructors wouldn’t make YouTube videos explaining things which millions of people watch. You’re not weird, you just struggle with things and it’s making you anxious by the sounds of it which is making things worse and it’s like a viscous circle.

Please stop calling yourself thick. Everyone has different skills and people are born with differing degrees of spatial awareness. This is not your fault.

I have to say though, I don’t think everybody is meant to drive. And those who really cannot be on the road, should not be.

I have not read the thread yet so hopefully people have made better suggestions.

I used to wonder why ‘stupid’ people could drive and I couldn’t. I came to the conclusion that they weren't overthinkers and just got on with it, whereas I overthought everything.

I feel really bad saying this but I was quite devastated when Jade Goody (rip) passed her test and started driving around with confidence as I just couldn’t. (Sorry Jade I don’t mean to be horrible). I couldn’t get my head round how she mastered it when I was so incapable.

It’s cheaper than years of useless driving lessons

and about £70 a session and you need approx 6-10

Have you had a full eye check, including visual fields? My Mum tried to learn to drive for years - she’s neurotypical, no coordination problems, extremely intelligent - but just couldn’t get the hang of it, so she gave up. About 30 years later she had a visual field check, and it turned out she had numerous gaps in her visual fields, that would have rendered her incapable of driving anyway. She had no idea, because she just assumed that what she saw was what everyone saw. It hasn’t helped her in terms of driving, but at least it’s given her an answer to why she never managed it.

I would definitely second this. I failed 4 times 17-21, then again at 25, gave up for years but was under pressure with work to get my licence. I'm London based too. I booked a 2 day intensive course in Cambridge (quieter roads than London), did 4x hours solid each day with the test at the end of the second day, and passed. I've been driving for years since and am an excellent driver . Appreciate going away will be hard with the kids and no OH but I only did that to avoid another test in London, maybe you don't. For me it was ridiculous nerves every single test. Doing some solid driving for two days before then doing the test was so worth it.

Can you do an intense course? I’m sure that’s what helped me pass first time. I did 2 hours a day, 4 times a week for a month and passed. X

Another thing, if you think you have neurodivergence or dyspraxia or something, look for a specialist disability instructor in your area who has experience with things like that. It doesn’t matter if you’re diagnosed or not.

Yes. I wear contact lenses, so my eyes are checked regularly. No issues.

Can you move somewhere with better transport and then it might not be such an issue? I grew up in the middle of nowhere and driving is obviously absolutely essential. Where I live now, it’s absolutely optional.

I struggled to learn to drive due to hearing impairment and dyslexia. I got my own car automatic, I had extra lessons from family as long as you have dual control for the passenger to break its allowed. They have to be driving for more than 5 years. You basically need more lessons, you need to keep it consistent. Its not affordable with an instructor hence why I got own car & still had lessons in that car with instructor too. Plz do not give up. The older u get the harder it is to remember .

Do you think you might be putting too much pressure on yourself?
Maybe try some calming drops from Holland & Barratt. Not sure if it worked as a placebo but it calmed me before driving tests. So it could work for lessons. I think you need to click with the instructor aswell. Hope you manage to find something that works for you.

We live in an area with good transport. The trouble is, not many schools in the area can meet my children's needs. Also we need to move to be closer to family and friends, this means moving to areas without good transport links. Hence why I need to be able to drive. And it needs to happen quickly, I'm running out of time.

Specifically visual fields? The test where you have to click a button when you see flashing lights? My Mum wore glasses from age 3, had regular checks, but never visual fields, until she reached an age for glaucoma screening (runs in my family). The optician was shocked by the gaps in her fields, she was rushed off to eye casualty, where they were equally shocked. She said her vision was the same as always, and sure enough, repeated tests over the years have been unchanged. It had clearly always been like that, and she’d just adjusted to it.

I have absolutely the worst spatial awareness out of anyone I know. Learning to drive was hard, I took four attempts to pass my test. However I got there and now (25 years later) I am a good driver, never had an accident, points etc. It really is just practice. You are not too stupid.

My instructors car has coloured dots on the windscreen and side windows to help her learners.

So on the left hand side of the windscreen there's a green yellow and red dot for 1m distance, 0.5m distance and 0.25m distance. So when you're passing stationary vehicles, or pulling in to stop or park you can see how far away you are from the kerb

There's others on the side windows and side mirrors for prompting to start turning when bay parking or parallel parking

It's really useful. Could you suggest that to your instructor?

It's not my vision, it's my brain.