I'm 43 and I can't learn to drive!! Feel useless

[ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed]

As per thread title, I'm now 43 and trying to learn to drive, but I just can't seem to manage it. I've been trying since my 20s and just cannot, no matter how hard I try, get my head around all the different things. I can't get my lane position right, my steering is terrible, my spacial awareness is virtually non existent. I've tried so many times and just given up. However, it has got to the point in my life where I NEED to be able to drive. I have two children who both have special needs. They will soon be going to different schools and it just won't be doable on public transport, we may in the near future have to move to an area where public transport is not great. I literally need to have my licence by this time next year at the absolute latest but I just can't see how this is going to happen. I feel like such a failure. Why is it other people can manage to learn and I can't? Am I just stupid? I feel like giving up but thats not an option at this stage. I'm failing my children. I need to do this but it's just not happening 😢

I feel for you, and it's so expensive 😟

Well obviously you can't move to a rural location when you can't drive.

Assuming you have had an eye exam already to rule out any visual issues.

You can actually improve visual awareness, lots of people who only have one eye can drive, so you definitely can.

Someone throwing a ball in undetermined directions whilst you catch if (start with a beanbag if you're really unco-ordinated), eventually you can progress to standing on one leg, then on a bose ball.

No diagnosis of anything although I suspect I may be neurodivergent in some way. I don't have a husband, I'm a single parent and my children's dad hasn't bothered with them in years. My parents are no longer alive. I'm completely alone. I have friends, but they're not in a position to be able to help me.

Some people really can't drive. I'm one of them. I've had several bouts of trying but it's clear I wouldn't be safe doing it.
I have an ASD diagnosis and I just don't process stuff right that I need to in such a high stakes situation.

Do you have dyspraxia or some other spacial awareness disorder?
Do you have an auto car to practice with family/partner so you aren't just paying for lessons?

DS found it really difficult learning to drive, he was 17 and got really disheartened as all his friends passed quickly, he did pass in the end but had loads of lessons and 3 tests. He has slight dyspraxia and also couldn't ride a bike until he was about 9. Do you have difficulty doing other things OP? He has a physics degree so certainly isn't thick but he did feel like that with the driving.

I'm just thinking if you establish you can't learn because of a disability, it might make a difference to what alternative help you can get. Eg. Funded transport to school for the kids

What car are you learning in? I’m in an electric fiat (auto) and I love it it’s like a dream. My dc learned in an auto mini and said that was good. Mine is literally push a button and sit there it even corrects steering.

I suggested this to my instructor and he said he's taught people with learning difficulties and they passed, I just don't understand it. I need to do this, I don't have any other options.

If your children have special needs and will attend 2 different schools would they be entitled to transport?

From the sounds of it maybe driving just isn’t for you.

Or even thinking crazy stuff, what about a cargo bike? The kids would grow out of it but could do whilst they are smallish.

I'm learning in a hybrid. It makes no difference what car I try to learn in.

I empathise.
The way I see it is, I’m a highly educated, clever woman. I cannot drive.
My FIL (for instance) is a tool who struggles to put a sentence together when it doesn’t involve shouting at his wife. He can drive.

Driving is no indicator or intelligence or ability.

Have you checked re school transport. If they aren’t in local provision due to Sen you could be entitled to transport.
Speak to yourself kindly it sounds like you are really trying.

I suggested this to my instructor and he said he's taught people with learning difficulties and they passed, I just don't understand it. I need to do this, I don't have any other options

I guess people's abilities vary. I don't have any learning difficulties but I'm a bit dyspraxic and I seem to struggle processing spacially at speed.

Driving is just practice. Any monkey can do it

Im sorry but I don’t agree. I learnt in my early 40s - passed 4th time, manual, - so yes, I eventually did that bit.

But I don’t enjoy it and will avoid it whenever possible. I have no confidence and I hate it. I gave many other skills 🤣

why should all humans be capable of driving? It only became an issue 100 years ago.

I've checked but it's not as easy to get SEN transport as people think it is. There are other reasons I need to learn too. Getting on a busy bus with two SEN with high sensory processing difficulties children just isn't feasible.

Driving is just practice. Any monkey can do it

I suspect there are chimps out there that would be far better at it than me 😂

But it is an indicator of me being able to give my children what they need. Right now they're missing out on a lot purely because of their sole caregiver not being able to get behind a wheel and transport them from A to B.

I love your attitude! I know it doesn't help OP whose circumstances really are pressuring her to learn.

@ChangedNameAsEmbarrassed really sorry to hear your predicament. Sounds like you're really hard on yourself about this which can't be helping. Is there any way you can put the screws on the kids' dad to drive one while you manage the other on public transport? Appreciate you said he's useless but am just trying to think of any conceivable workaround.

How much have you spent on driving lessons? If you’re spending around £500 a month that could cover some taxis.

How far are the children’s schools from each other and how does it fit timings wise?

You may have to move or something radical and some people can't drive. My friend is one of them, she is 60 now and has taken 12 tests and failed, that’s both manual and automatic.

What does instructor suggest? Did he teach the person with learning difficulties differently? I know you haven’t got a diagnosis but could you suggest he tries same approach.
It sounds more like there is something affecting your co ordination or processing not nerves or anxiety so relaxation won’t help.

You can do this!!

Honestly, I’m as thick as shit and have zero common sense. I’ve got an appalling memory and I find learning new things INCREDIBLY difficult. I really struggle under pressure and find it hard to think on the spot.

My second driving instructor used to literally scream at me in frustration (horrible bitch). Anyway, I had so many lessons and I felt 100% sure that I was not capable of learning to drive.

I passed on my 3rd test and I cried my eyes out. I genuinely didn’t think I was capable. I remember thinking if I can do it, then anyone can.

I’ve been driving for 4 years, and got more confident at it the last 2. I just drive short distances to get me from A to B. I’m so glad I persevered.

Genuinely though, if I can do it, anyone can.

He's not even in the same country as us so even if he wasn't useless it wouldn't be possible.

I was not as bad as this but in a similar situation and in the end my (now) dh put me on his insurance and took me out, I drove everywhere. Without having the assurance from the second pedals and safety of the instructor it forced me to actually learn how to drive and gave me the confidence I desperately lacked. Maybe the deep end ( if safe enough) is what you need too?

Have you made any progress at all in the last year?

What are your instructor’s thoughts on it?

What can you actually do? Can you drive down a road without hitting the curb? Can you brake in time at lights?