Husband blaming me for our kids...

[RabbleBabble]

.I really feel like I'm being squashed, I really need some clarity and other opinions.....be kind please....

My OH and I have 4 children - 3 girls, 1 boy (including set of twins) aged 5,5,6 and 9.

I work part time, that's all I can manage and because I really needed something for my brain and self esteem - we agreed I'd go back to work part time to help supplement our mortgage - it's not a lot but it helps. Anyway...

I'll admit, since the twins were born I've always found it hard parenting 4 kids, lots of noise, mess, chaos. I can have good routines but we go through periods where some will wake in the night, I get tired and my boundaries slip.

Lately, I've been struggling, cried in the car yesterday on route to work. Constant arguments between the kids, not tidying up toys, mess, noise, multiple night wakings - I am exhausted! I told my OH I'm not feeling myself and I feel burnt out. At the time he was supportive and seemed like he understood. (2 of our children have ADHD and Autism)

Fast forward today. Stressful morning getting 4 kids up, breakfast, dressed, into the car to school on time, then bomb it to work, leave work, pick kids up, more arguing in the car, get home, immediately bombarded with 4x requests for food, one child crying who is tired, 2 shouting and one asking to go to the park. I'm trying my best to stay calm, see to the needs one by one. I've made dinner but my OH has come home and tired from leaving at 4am for work and moaned about the mess and 'crap everywhere.' He takes his dinner and eats it in our bedroom. (He is out from 4am til 5pm and always exhausted.)

Fast forward to bedtime, one twin is becoming so difficult to get to bed, I am so frazzled with her screaming and crying and getting out of bed, I loose my temper and shout at her, eventually she settles, but was in and out of bed 15 times and I couldn't take anymore, I was crying, tired, overwhelmed- I just needed him to step in or do something to help my daughter or me. Instead my OH ignored the entire situation and appeared at the last minute to shout at her to get in bed. (Once I'd already got her settled!)

Then he absolutely slams me, shouting I should get up earlier like 'he' does and sort their clothes for school, make them clean their mess, get them in bed at X time.

I agree - but I'm struggling and I am so emotionally dysregulated and overstimulated, I just can't stop myself getting quickly overwhelmed and shouty....I think I am suffering from anxiety triggered by lack of control and possibly suffering from depression......

I feel he completely bulldozes over me, he said things like, 'it's a state in here all because of this little 'job' you've 'got' to do!' (literally shaming me) and 'I'm up at 4am grafting and you can't even tidy up and sort the kids out.' 'Get up early like 'I' do and sort stuff out.' (I was up at 6.15 today with one of the kids!!) and 'you make the kids worse at bedtime/you don't know how to settle them/they walk all over you' and the killer blow 'why do you have to make it so I'm the villian!'

He makes me feel I do all this on purpose, I'm lazy so he has to step in and whip everyone into line by being the 'bad guy.' It makes me feel incapable, incompetent and worthless. People close to me all tell me I'm doing a fantastic job - why can't he see I'm a good mum but even I have periods of instability and exhaustion!

....I'm mentally drowing in 4 kids from dawn until dusk and I'm feeling burnout, angry and sad. Instead of noticing I was needing a hand at bedtime, or just seeing how clearly distressed I was earlier, he's shouted and blamed me instead? I do bedtimes for all 4 children, with a shared story, every.. single ..night. I often don't sit down until gone 9.30pm (if I'm late with dinner or one child is upset or not going down, he will never step in, which means it can take a long time some nights! I'm shattered!)

He'll make backhanded comments about my job too, then badger me for when I'm paid.

AIBU to want a little understanding!?! :'-(

YANBU and just because he works more, does not mean he gets off from home and child duties free and clear. HE can help get things ready the night before and HE can help tidy up. Not only can, SHOULD. They’re his children and his house as well.

What happens on his days off work? What job takes him out at 4 am? Is it a physical job? How many days a week? Does it pay enough you can hire in extra help? Does the autism qualify you for short breaks children with disabilities?

Well you've both got too much on your plates, so something is going to give and at the moment it's his patience and you're emotional resilience. That's not sustainable. So once you've both calmed down I think you need to timetable what needs to be done each day and who has time to do it. Split between you and him, although you'll have the bulk of the morning if he's out that early. And then seriously consider if your job is adding to or reducing your stress.

This is awful!! I struggle with my 9 month old sometimes and get upset and overwhelmed! I couldn't even imagine trying to juggle 4. Sounds like you're doing an amazing job, but husband needs to be more supportive! Yes he works long hours but this is alot for you to manage completely on your own. I think you need to have a sit down with him when you are both calm and the kids aren't there and really talk it through. He is probably tired too and I'm not condoning anything but he maybe says some things he doesn't mean. Sounds like youre having a tough time and he needs some clear instructions. Hoping you can get some support somehow

My husband used to say stuff like this

i’ll be honest, I either told him to piss off or told him that if he thought he could do it better he could crack on and do bedtimes on his own in future.

What the actual fuck am I reading? He needs to be doing 50% of the work as soon as he steps in the door. I can’t believe he expects you to put 4 kids to bed by yourself while he puts his feet up. How selfish. I’m a single parent and it’s hard enough getting 2 kids to bed by myself let alone 4.

Absolutely do not give up your job, awful advice. Your husband needs to.step up OP. My husband works long hours but always steps up the minute he walks in the door -.and I only have 2 kids!

He gets in at FIVE PM and doesn’t help with the kids or do any clearing up?! What the F.

My DH works long days and late evenings and he does the washing up at 11pm sometimes, despite having to get up and out early the next day. Because we both live here, they’re both our children, it’s OUR mess.

@RabbleBabbleyes this. Have you told him to do it himself ???
fucking idiot.
I’d also tell him if he had a better job I wouldn’t need to work.

He wants to criticise how you handle the routine with the children?
I suggest that tomorrow, you take your dinner to the bedroom, lock the door and leave him to it. Because clearly he thinks he can do a better job 🫠👍🏻
(My exH used to do this - criticise my handling of literally everything whilst simultaneously barely lifting a finger at home. There’s really no surprise he’s my exH)

Sending a hug.
Have you tried using loop (or similar) earplugs? They’re designed to cut out some noise and reduce your nervous system’s response to being over-stimulated, leading to overwhelm.
I’ve found they really take the edge off noise when it’s all happening at the same time and they help me to stay better regulated in chaos.
Also.. have you considered (or you may already have) an ADHD diagnosis for yourself? This may be worthwhile to help yourself understand why you feel overwhelmed.

But, from what you’ve described, I think most people, ND or not, would feel overwhelmed.

Could you quietly take a day off, get out of the house and do something relaxing? Spa day or whatever works for you. I did this recently and was really strict with myself and it worked wonders!

In practical terms:
Do the kids have too much ‘stuff’ and find it difficult to keep on top of keeping it all tidy? Perhaps spend a day just clearing out bits that aren’t used anymore and reducing down what they’ve got? Could a friend come and help/chat while you’re doing it?

It seems to me that your husband is potentially feeling the same way but is throwing you under the bus so he doesn’t have to change any of his routine and hide in his room…
Maybe he needs to look at his job and whether a job that gets him up at 4am and doesn’t allow him to participate in the kids’ routines is really appropriate for your family… when does he see them and spend quality time with them??

You need him to step up and work with you or at least provide you with adequate down time to rest.

I appreciate this may or may not be a useful comment but be kind to yourself and stand up for what you and your family needs from your husband.

I don’t think he’s wrong that you need to get up earlier and be more organized.

Why not take a snack in the car for the kids?

Why can’t the nine year old help more and read the bedtime stories?

Your husband sounds like a major arsehole and I doubt he only recently became one. What was the thought process behind having four kids by him?

This weekend do role reversal. You go to your room with the dinner he cooked, he puts the kids to bed. Then Saturday he deals with them all day and does bedtime again. See how easy it is.
If he has all these wise words of wisdom and it is so easy, then tell him to step up or shut the fuck up.
Frankly, your problem here is the husband, not the kids and not you.
He works hard out of the home, that is good. But when you get home from work your day doesn't stop, so why does his? When he come home part of being a family is he steps up and parents and is a partner to you. I don't care how many hours he does, he should be joining in supportively because it is his role as a parent, not because he is 'helping'.

This with bells on.

My DH works a high-stress job with erratic hours - sometimes involving 48hrs on call. And yet he still comes home and picks up 50% of the load for 3 DCs that aren’t even biologically his.

This.

He sounds like a cunt - and anyone childless / with fewer children, reading this - don’t have 4 kids this close together. It’s always going to be hell

OP you’ve got 4 young kids, I’m exhausted just contemplating that. Add to that your mental health struggles at the minute, I feel for you op. I don’t know what to suggest but I didn’t want to read and run. You need to take care of yourself. Your DP is also clearly frustrated but he needs to be supportive and see that the situation is making you ill. If your job is giving you the mental stimulation you need, don’t let his belittling comments stop you op.

Eeuugghh.
How many hours a week are you working, OP?
And are all the kids in school now? Any after school care?

On a note to support you,
Ear plugs, I got cheap loop style ones, I also wear my headphones with nothing playing.
Snack in the car for the way home. Keeps them quiet. Could play stories or songs.
The kids are all old enough to get their own clothes and bags ready the night before. It takes time to teach but it is so worth it. My 6 year old does it with a reminder.
Have you got a visual to do list for the morning and bedtime? Brush teeth, pjs, etc? This helps my 6 year old, it means rather than me nagging I send him to the list which reminds him. Helps my sanity.
I learnt this at a toddler group, but they okay the mission impossible sound track and the kids had to tidy up as quickly as they can. It might not get it all done, but a good chunk and it is timed.
Rewards- star harsh works for mine. Praising anything small that is good reinforcing the good behaviour and the others hear the praise given to one. It also helps me to stay positive rather than moaning internally. I also let my two give each other stars if they explain and it's a good reason. 25 stars gets a treat or pocket money to be saved for a bigger purchase.
Lastly therapy. Gp can refer or guide you to self refer. Do it for you and do it for your kids. Put your oxygen mask on so you can help them after. That's the way i sold it to myself to not feel guilty about spending time solely on me.
Get a hobby out of the house, leave the house one night a week or EOW and husband does bedtime. You need time for yourself, that helps so much.

What does he do from 5pm when he gets home? Sofa?? He needs to be doing his fair share and making sure you have your share of chilling out time. It sounds to be like either of you might need to reduce your hours to manage all the jobs - he won’t want that so he’ll have to pick a job when he gets in to take off your hands. Give him a choice of two things you’d like him to do each night when he comes in, either kids baths and bed or tidy up/cook/dishwasher. And make sure you get to chill out at weekends too.

Four children is hard, when it's were similar ages I felt like I was drowning... The endless noises, fights, "mummy", etc. The word snack used to make me want to scream! It did get easier though eventually and I wouldn't change it now. Your husband should be more supportive!

It's not you.

It's him.

And he's an arse

And a useless husband and father

So he’s out 13 hours a day. He gets a quiet commute to and from work and he gets a full lunch break. Then he eats his dinner by himself in peace and has the evening to himself if he wants it?
you work part time and look after the children every other minute that you’re awake? And he’s critiquing your work ethic? Out of the two of you only one of you isn’t pulling their weight and it’s not you

Do get earplugs.
can you take anything off your plate, like can they get any healthy snacks themselves to save you a job. Woukd chore charts or rewards for getting ready in the morning or breakfast in the car or anything like that help? Do you have tume to meal prep on your at home days? Can you afford a cleaner or any other help if he won’t. Are you diagnosed nd and if so are you taking any medication - make sure you are!
4 kids, 2 with Sen is hard. Keep your job it is important, but it sounds like the home balance and planning needs a little rethink.
Maybe worth soaking to your gp too.

to clarify dh is being a dick. He needs to do more housework and childcare. this isn’t your fault. But just some suggestions too to try and help

Your day is far far longer & more chaotic than his. He gets up & goes to one job. He gets back & does fuck all.

You get up at 6:15 am & do not stop till gone 9pm. Your time is spent organising 4 children (I've twin nieces & know full well they are MORE than twice the work!) for every moment of their home life, you work, then immediately go back to sorting children till they eventually go to sleep.

And then he has the TEMERITY to make you feel bad?!

That's absolute bullshit. What is the point of him?