Husband blaming me for our kids...

[RabbleBabble]

.I really feel like I'm being squashed, I really need some clarity and other opinions.....be kind please....

My OH and I have 4 children - 3 girls, 1 boy (including set of twins) aged 5,5,6 and 9.

I work part time, that's all I can manage and because I really needed something for my brain and self esteem - we agreed I'd go back to work part time to help supplement our mortgage - it's not a lot but it helps. Anyway...

I'll admit, since the twins were born I've always found it hard parenting 4 kids, lots of noise, mess, chaos. I can have good routines but we go through periods where some will wake in the night, I get tired and my boundaries slip.

Lately, I've been struggling, cried in the car yesterday on route to work. Constant arguments between the kids, not tidying up toys, mess, noise, multiple night wakings - I am exhausted! I told my OH I'm not feeling myself and I feel burnt out. At the time he was supportive and seemed like he understood. (2 of our children have ADHD and Autism)

Fast forward today. Stressful morning getting 4 kids up, breakfast, dressed, into the car to school on time, then bomb it to work, leave work, pick kids up, more arguing in the car, get home, immediately bombarded with 4x requests for food, one child crying who is tired, 2 shouting and one asking to go to the park. I'm trying my best to stay calm, see to the needs one by one. I've made dinner but my OH has come home and tired from leaving at 4am for work and moaned about the mess and 'crap everywhere.' He takes his dinner and eats it in our bedroom. (He is out from 4am til 5pm and always exhausted.)

Fast forward to bedtime, one twin is becoming so difficult to get to bed, I am so frazzled with her screaming and crying and getting out of bed, I loose my temper and shout at her, eventually she settles, but was in and out of bed 15 times and I couldn't take anymore, I was crying, tired, overwhelmed- I just needed him to step in or do something to help my daughter or me. Instead my OH ignored the entire situation and appeared at the last minute to shout at her to get in bed. (Once I'd already got her settled!)

Then he absolutely slams me, shouting I should get up earlier like 'he' does and sort their clothes for school, make them clean their mess, get them in bed at X time.

I agree - but I'm struggling and I am so emotionally dysregulated and overstimulated, I just can't stop myself getting quickly overwhelmed and shouty....I think I am suffering from anxiety triggered by lack of control and possibly suffering from depression......

I feel he completely bulldozes over me, he said things like, 'it's a state in here all because of this little 'job' you've 'got' to do!' (literally shaming me) and 'I'm up at 4am grafting and you can't even tidy up and sort the kids out.' 'Get up early like 'I' do and sort stuff out.' (I was up at 6.15 today with one of the kids!!) and 'you make the kids worse at bedtime/you don't know how to settle them/they walk all over you' and the killer blow 'why do you have to make it so I'm the villian!'

He makes me feel I do all this on purpose, I'm lazy so he has to step in and whip everyone into line by being the 'bad guy.' It makes me feel incapable, incompetent and worthless. People close to me all tell me I'm doing a fantastic job - why can't he see I'm a good mum but even I have periods of instability and exhaustion!

....I'm mentally drowing in 4 kids from dawn until dusk and I'm feeling burnout, angry and sad. Instead of noticing I was needing a hand at bedtime, or just seeing how clearly distressed I was earlier, he's shouted and blamed me instead? I do bedtimes for all 4 children, with a shared story, every.. single ..night. I often don't sit down until gone 9.30pm (if I'm late with dinner or one child is upset or not going down, he will never step in, which means it can take a long time some nights! I'm shattered!)

He'll make backhanded comments about my job too, then badger me for when I'm paid.

AIBU to want a little understanding!?! :'-(

It's clearly deal that has speaking to you that like. Really rubbish.

I will say that your life sounds really stressful for both of you. We have 4 kids including twins (8,4,4&1). I worked 4 days compressed into 3 (I'm a teacher and it works by me having a short/no lunch and doing all my marking/prep time after the kids are in bed ) and I have 3 kids with me on my "days off", one of whom is awaiting assessment for ASD. I do get how incredibly difficult it can be to juggle everything.

I shoouted at my DH last night. I was unreasonable and frankly insulting. It was not a moment I'm proud of, especially as I haven't apologised (he was going out and hadn't don't things he should have done first, and this morning was a mad rush until heleft for work. These things do sometimes happen if you're stressed. So IF (big if) your DH is being OCCAISIONALLY unreasonable, you could chalk it up to stress. Ok, he's home at 5pm and should pitch in, but if he's been out for 13 hours (possibly doing a physical job) I would personally let him crash for a bit before he joins in.

You need a plan going forwards to improve things.

Do you get time without the kids? Or is the only childcare when you are working? If possible, can this be adjusted to give you some time? More paid childcare for youngest, or a family member or friend that can help out for a few weeks. Is your job actually bringing enough benefit to be worth it, or could you reduce hours to get some time to yourself.

Time is essential. If you can get some, have one or two days (3-4 hours each) for recovery. Do nothing extra with that time - snooze, have a long bath, read - something relaxing that you enjoy. Once you've done that, KEEP having the time and start splitting it into 1hour relaxing and 3 hours streamlining. Don't is it for typical household chores, use for things that will make your life easier on a daily basis.

Look at your pinchpoints. Why are they do tough? Is there something that would make them easier if you had the time?

Here are some very banal things that have made bits of my life nicer:

I made a list and stuck it on the back door for what eldest needs to have each day for school. It's her job to make sure she doesn't walk out the door without those things. I do check with her (she has ADHD) but getting her ready for school is much less of a drama when an has visual prompts. Likewise, when everycomes in they have a reminder of where shoes and coats go. It means I don't have such a massiv pile of mess in the evenings. I'm not saying that's what you need to do, but getting everyone in/out is one of our tricky times and I hate having to sort out a big pile of shoes and bags later in the evening and work out who has PE/uneaten snacks/forgotten water bottle etc.

Each person has a box for clean clothes to go in. I always get stuff clean and dry but it doesn't get out away promptly. Having piled was depressing and the toddler would sometimes mix it up. If everyone has a box it goes in there until I have time to deal with it. It's easy enough to find something if needed. The boxes can be stacked and hidden if I guest is coming. When it's time to put it away I take the box up to the correct room and do it as and when and two of the kids are getting moderately good at helping with that.

Also think about what your kids CAN do. Firstly, they should be getting involved even if only in tiny ways. We're working in making sure everyone except the toddler tips leftovers in the bin and puts their plate by the dishwasher so it's quicker for me to stack after the meal. It doesn't save me much time, but it also keeps them occupied for a minute! I'm hoping as they get older we can gradually add more respinsibility, I freely admit I have managed this as much as if like.

None of these things actually deal with the fact that your DH was unkind and rude. But you might be able to make your lid less difficult if you have some time, and the should be should priority. Talk to your DH about how you can have that time. You need to stand up for your own needs.

In the meantime, cut corners. If it's a bad stage with lots of night wakes only do what is essential. Don't have guests, eat frozen pizza with some raw veg (mine love raw peppers. That was a great discovery! Not chopped, we just get small ones and they munch them), cut out ANYTHING that you can. Prioritise rest and recovery for you and the kids.

so you work part time and you parent 4 DC (2 of whom have SN) and he goes to work but not much else - and then he gaslights you on top that you don't do enough?

I have been there. He will not change. You can only change things at your end. I would start with the GP. Maybe you can be signed off for a little while. It's not a long term solution but will will give you some space to breathe again and and hopefully see a way forward.

Your DH needs to step up massively but I hazard a guess he is one on those men who never will. You either suck it up. Would reducing your hours at work help? Or you call it a day on the relationship and he will have them regularly when it's his week/weekend. You will get proper breaks then.

Yes he works long hours but so do you - doing the grunt work at home with the kids and your job.

I always give this advice: tell him he can either step up and parent alongside you or you can separate and share the kids 50:50. He won’t want them 50:50 and with say he can’t do that because of his job but TBH if you did separate, that isn’t your problem. I guarantee you having kid free time 50% of the time would make everything so much more manageable for you.

Give him the choice.

Is there any scope for outsourcing anything like washing or getting a cleaner?

I’ve raised 4 kids, it’s hard all the time even with two parents at home and working part time.

how many hours a week do you do? Realistically, how many hours a week does he do in the home and what is he in charge of?

i can totally sympathise with both of you tbh. He’s being a bit of a twat talking to you like that but as a previous poster said, in this situation, something has to give and it’s his temper and your emotional regulation. Within my family, my anger was a by product of unmet expectations. I expected him to be as productive at home as I would be, but he wasn’t. He couldn’t “see” anything that needed to be done. I would go out working long days and come home and the kids had only had crisps and junk for the majority of the day. Being put to bed ( very happy) in dirty clothes from playing in the garden all day etc. I told my DH it wasn’t on, he didn’t really listen. It wasn’t from a malicious place though, he was 40 when wet had our first and he had no parenting idea/skills at all. We did briefly break up which shocked him into doing better. After that I wrote my expectations down and a split of chores and an exact breakdown of what needs to be done every day from “wake the kids, give them breakfast, brush their teeth, put uniforms on, pack book bag, take them to school” to another list when he got home after the school run “ do a load of washing, hoover throughout, hang washing out, clean toilet, have lunch, do food shop, collect kids”.

it wasn’t that my DH couldn’t do it, it was that he couldn’t visualise steps and so would get totally overwhelmed and end up going in circles achieving nothing. I suppose these days it would be executive function issues ( he has ocd and likely adhd).

i had to run my kids with incredibly strict rules which was fun ( not) as one is AuDhd, one has since been diagnosed with ADHD and the other two are on waiting lists for a diagnosis. I have it too. It was incredibly hard and I totally get you going through stable times and then unstable times. That was me. You just have to get back on it as soon as you can.

i outsourced things like bedding/duvet/towel washing to reduce the burden. Got a cleaner once every two -four weeks to deep clean . No Internet/games until homework is done and you don’t get tv in the morning until you are fully dressed and have a packed school bag on your knee . No tv/devices/games in the morning was revolutionary and sped everything up amazingly and helped to keep everybody calm. After a few weeks they were ready with 20 minutes spare so could then have that 20 minutes to watch/play.

Dh needs to understand that an 11hr day, incl commute, is not a get out of parenting card.

My DH is up at 530 and often not home until 8, and still fielding calls and emails or online meetings sometimes until the early hours and definitely at weekends/during holidays. He will still clean the kitchen before he leaves as a surprise (I used to get defensive thinking it was a passive aggressive way to show me I was a shit housewife, but I am over it now), will still fix his own supper from a range of quick meals I’ve sourced when he’s late and missed tea with the kids (teens), and has no issue with picking up a broom and sweeping the copious amounts of dog hair that accumulate during the day. He sees helping out with kids, dropping them/picking up from mates (sometimes a they’re a bit drunk these days), bathing/reading to them when they were younger etc is a privilege of parenthood.

Your DH needs to reframe what being a father is and step up. Whatever you do, don’t give up your job because if he ever just walked, you may need recent work experience on your CV to get a FT job.

Aside from that - 5 kids is hard and junior school years are really full on. Once they are in senior school and more independent it will get easier.

Tell him to go and fuck himself.

So he’s up at 4 and home at 5? The timings might be a little different, but the hours are no different to anyone in the NHS/Police/Fire service and god knows what else.

DH works 0900-1800/1830-2300 3 times a week, he still picks up 50% (because I do the same hours, albeit I work one day less a fortnight, but do 4 longer days).

You have a husband problem. Tell him to get in the bin.

I'd be telling DH that since he's such an expert, he can do it.

Working FT doesn't mean he gets to opt out of parenting, no wonder you are so exhausted.

Go away somewhere by yourself for the weekend. Let him try and handle them by himself for a couple of days and he might start to appreciate how hard it is. He doesn’t get to opt of out of dealing with the kids because he works full time. You definitely have the harder job at the moment.

No wonder you are exhausted.

I am a single parent and (apart from financial support etc) I am not sure how your life is much less stressful than mine.

The reason that 2 parent families have it easier, is because there’s 2 of you to share the mental and physical load, yet you’re literally doing it all.

Yes, if you only work PT then you will of course be expected to do more childcare/housework but only during the week days and during core hours.

When DH is home everything should be 50/50, including parenting, housework and cleaning.

Can you tell us what your working hours are like?
Is it a bit over many days or long hours over fewer days?

With 4 young kids you need to both be super organised and lower your expectations.
Its not possible to have a spotless house.

You are at breaking point and something needs to give.

If you can afford a cleaner for the next 6 months then do it.

Create a weekly meal plan and have the same meals on the same day every week. Try and batch cook what you can.

Create a timetable of chores of what you and DH will both do and when eg you will cook and then he can wash up after work, you can do laundry and hang the clothes up, then DH can fold them and put them away.

Do the bulk of the cleaning whilst the kids are at school but teach them to put their toys away before they go to bed. 20mins before they need to start tidying away, get into the routine of them doing it every day and then it will just become normal.
I used to have a big storage box and I’d just shove the toys in there.

I’m sorry your DH is being unsupportive.
I think if you switched roles for a week he’d see how mentally draining it is.

Why does he not cook? Why does he not do bedtimes?
He's being a cunt.

Oh gosh OP this sounds incredibly tough.

Some questions...

What's your partner like at the weekends? I ask because it's unclear from your post whether this is more about him having an office day vs weekend attitude, or whether he expects you to do the lion's share of kids' stuff at the weekends too. The latter would be totally unacceptable to me, the former more of a starting point for negotiation.

Why does he have to get up at 4am? Is this a shift pattern (in which case can he switch to something with more sociable hours) or a distance to travel (in which case can he get something closer to home)? Honestly if I was up at 4am Mon-Fri I'd be good for nothing by early evening. And what is the nature of the job? He sounds pretty on the edge himself.

Are you working school hours, or full days but not five days a week? If the former, might you consider extending your hours to full-time and using wraparound care? It might sound counterintuitive but working (as in paid job) more might actually help regulate you (looking after four young children is more manic than most jobs I can think of!) And if the latter, can you use the time you're not working and your children are in school to get some proper rest - as others have said, spa day, long walk, bath and book, whatever you need to chill out and reset a bit?

To be clear, from what you've said I think it sounds like your partner has shown a massive lack of understanding and supportiveness, and there is lots for you to be angry/ sad about....but I also think it sounds like you're both in the trenches of an incredibly full-on and tough work/ parenting patch.

Sounds like my ex partner. He was getting like this every day on top of the name calling during arguments, I ended it yesterday. He’s still living in my house though and he doesn’t graft half as hard as your husband by the sounds of it. Maybe try see it as he’s burnt out too and tell him how he makes you feel. If he still wants to be nasty then reconsider what you’re gaining from the current arrangement

I have 4 kids, 2 with Autism and ADHD. It is relentless. My DH is supportive and helpful but works long hours and often away. The one thing I found really helpful to help my own sanity and overstimulating/disregulation was to go to the doctor. I am on antidepressants now (I resisted for years) and it was life changing. I am much more able to cope with the demands of parenting and to manage their meltdowns and needs without losing it myself. Self care is definitely important to help you cope. You need to have a frank discussion with your other half and tell him he needs to step up. If he thinks he can do it better, then he needs to model it for you. See how long he lasts....

I'm not surprised you are both snappy. The whole thing is unsustainable.

Why does your husband go out to work so early every day? Is it a shift pattern so he has some days off?

Those working hours are part of the problem. I appreciate this is easy to say but is he travelling a long way? How did that come about? Is there scope for any change?

In terms of the kids, the way he has spoken about this is out of order but there's a grain of truth in what he says.

The twins are five now so at the stage where they should be able to start to do a bit more themselves in terms of getting ready for school. Laying out their uniform in a set place might not be a bad idea.

Similarly a horrible couple of days of establishing bed time routines and how you return them to bed is needed. But you are too exhausted to do it alone.

Agree a plan together to get on top of this. Can he take a day or so off? Perhaps he could take them all to the park for an hour or so at the weekend and you can have a nap. Then you will be in a better place to start managing night.

Same with house. Take it in turns for an hour in the garden with all the kids while the other tackles a room.

Get rid of any clutter you don't need. Sort through the old clothes. Make your space easier to manage.

And I wouldn't normally say this but you sound burnt out. You could call in sick for a day or so and catch up on a bit of sleep/get on top of things. Because if you don't find a way to manage it will make you ill and for much longer than a day or so.

It needs to be a joint effort though. This is too much for one person..

Then he absolutely slams me, shouting I should get up earlier like 'he' does and sort their clothes for school, make them clean their mess, get them in bed at X time

So if you get up as early as him, who will do all the parenting, cooking etc in the evenings? If he can't possibly muck in after work because he's tired from being up so early, won't the same apply to you?

He's being entitled, he decided to have kids, he doesn't get to opt out of parenting just because he works.

This is what I wanted to say. Working full-time doesn’t mean he gets to check out of parenting completely. Even if you were a stay at home parent, you would still share the housework and childcare load 50/50 when he’s not at work!! That’s how it should work anyway.

I would get rid of him, your life will be so much better. You can apply for some benefits and he can have the kids by himself for a few days a week, you can have the space to breathe.

2 of your kids have ADHD and autism so chances are that one or both of you and your dh does too. Have a think about it because if it is the case then it needs to be factored in when looking at how you're both coping with such a busy household.

I have 4 kids and my partner works and there’s no way he’d come home and complain about the mess. He knows my job is harder than his, even though his job is bloody hard too.

He comes home after working all day, tidies up any mess he can see, plays with the kids and makes dinner if I haven’t. Your husband needs a reality check. You’re a team, he should be picking up what you can’t.

I’ve also worked long day and a physical job, so on that level I feel for him. But you just need to slam a red bull and pull your weight as a partner and parent I’m afraid. Honestly I would say he should look for another job, one that won’t involve being up at 4am. You have 4 kids and that involves two parents both pulling their share and (probably) both being shattered most of the time for a few years. On the plus side - they will get older and they will all sleep through the night. It seems never ending now, but they will. Do not give up your job though, if shit hits the fan then that job is going to be really important.

Also I am 1 of 6 children, when it comes to your home as long as it’s clean and safe don’t worry too much about tidy. With lots of young kids you will drive yourself to ruin if you’re too hung up on it being neat and tidy. I have 2, soon to be 3 and I focus on: living room tidy (it’s our space and they don’t really play in there), kitchen clean and no trip hazards (tidy once they go to bed if I’m not zonked), their rooms no trip hazards and shove any shit in a box at the end of day. As long as you’re not gonna trip over a toy car and fall on your arse, it’s fine for now.

Isn't he a charmer?

Either quit your job or shame him by pointing out to a LOT of fathers work long hours but still help out at home and have a relationship with their children. When our first child was born, my husband had a long commute into London and would be up at 4am and home at 9pm, sometimes later. He would still get up for night feeds, still help with the house, built a patio, regularly took our children to the park etc..

Next time he tells you that you are useless, tell him that his is the useless one and that he is a bully, too.

Honestly you are both going through it. Up at 4am and back by 5am then 4 kids running around sounds hellish but also your life sounds hellish too. It's the period in life you have to endure to get through as it does get easier. I had 3 under 4 and a DH who worked away all week as well as a full time job. Its hard. I just tried to delegate as much as possible, organise as much as possible. It's not easy. Being snappy, anxious and overwhelmed is inevitable. I feel for the both of you x

Mum of 5 here. 2 have autism and one has ADHD. Like yourself- I’m part time and husband full time. I found that my husband seemed to detached from what our day actually looks like and how easy it is for one link in the chain to come away, so the whole routine would fall apart. The issue for us was that we had one child going through school refusal and husband genuinely thought I was causing this problem by not “trying”. I made him take a weeks holiday to see exactly what our mornings looked like and how challenging things were with our son- lo and behold my husband couldn’t miraculously cure the problem. However, he did return to work and adjust his hours to be there in the morning to at least help deal with it a bit.

While your husband has a very long work day and is providing for you all- the hours he works does impact on the household and leaves you with the lions share of housework. He should be helping with baths, bedtime or even ironing uniforms in the evening.

4 kids is a lot of kids.
I am not sure I could cope with 4 kids, actually I know I couldn't.
Can you up your work hours and pay for cleaners and get your washing and ironing done for example.
The cleaning gets me, it is so boring and mundane and I would rather work more and outsource it tbh.

This sounds so hard, you are not being unreasonable at all! But I can see if your husband is out from 4am that he’s exhausted too. It’s a very difficult situation. 4 kids those ages is always going to be difficult, made much harder by you juggling work too. I know you need the mental break but would it not be better to stop work for now til they’re a bit older and use the time to have a couple hours to yourself every day? No chores, no arguing, just silence! You can do something for yourself in the time and then you will have a few hours to get things ready for later to help things flow better?

I have 3 and prep dinner every afternoon - I make thing like lasagne, bolognese or curry etc, that I can pop in the oven or reheat on the stove later. I get all the lunches made etc for the next day at school, catch up on chores, and make sure I have a good 1-2 hour walk every day for myself, sometimes meet a friend. It just works better for our family this way and I don’t feel so burnt out or resentful.

Obviously we take a small hit financially by me not working, but I rather make that sacrifice now and save my sanity!

The one thing about kids is they do get older and arguably it does get easier, and there will be time then to pick work back up then…