Husband blaming me for our kids...

[RabbleBabble]

.I really feel like I'm being squashed, I really need some clarity and other opinions.....be kind please....

My OH and I have 4 children - 3 girls, 1 boy (including set of twins) aged 5,5,6 and 9.

I work part time, that's all I can manage and because I really needed something for my brain and self esteem - we agreed I'd go back to work part time to help supplement our mortgage - it's not a lot but it helps. Anyway...

I'll admit, since the twins were born I've always found it hard parenting 4 kids, lots of noise, mess, chaos. I can have good routines but we go through periods where some will wake in the night, I get tired and my boundaries slip.

Lately, I've been struggling, cried in the car yesterday on route to work. Constant arguments between the kids, not tidying up toys, mess, noise, multiple night wakings - I am exhausted! I told my OH I'm not feeling myself and I feel burnt out. At the time he was supportive and seemed like he understood. (2 of our children have ADHD and Autism)

Fast forward today. Stressful morning getting 4 kids up, breakfast, dressed, into the car to school on time, then bomb it to work, leave work, pick kids up, more arguing in the car, get home, immediately bombarded with 4x requests for food, one child crying who is tired, 2 shouting and one asking to go to the park. I'm trying my best to stay calm, see to the needs one by one. I've made dinner but my OH has come home and tired from leaving at 4am for work and moaned about the mess and 'crap everywhere.' He takes his dinner and eats it in our bedroom. (He is out from 4am til 5pm and always exhausted.)

Fast forward to bedtime, one twin is becoming so difficult to get to bed, I am so frazzled with her screaming and crying and getting out of bed, I loose my temper and shout at her, eventually she settles, but was in and out of bed 15 times and I couldn't take anymore, I was crying, tired, overwhelmed- I just needed him to step in or do something to help my daughter or me. Instead my OH ignored the entire situation and appeared at the last minute to shout at her to get in bed. (Once I'd already got her settled!)

Then he absolutely slams me, shouting I should get up earlier like 'he' does and sort their clothes for school, make them clean their mess, get them in bed at X time.

I agree - but I'm struggling and I am so emotionally dysregulated and overstimulated, I just can't stop myself getting quickly overwhelmed and shouty....I think I am suffering from anxiety triggered by lack of control and possibly suffering from depression......

I feel he completely bulldozes over me, he said things like, 'it's a state in here all because of this little 'job' you've 'got' to do!' (literally shaming me) and 'I'm up at 4am grafting and you can't even tidy up and sort the kids out.' 'Get up early like 'I' do and sort stuff out.' (I was up at 6.15 today with one of the kids!!) and 'you make the kids worse at bedtime/you don't know how to settle them/they walk all over you' and the killer blow 'why do you have to make it so I'm the villian!'

He makes me feel I do all this on purpose, I'm lazy so he has to step in and whip everyone into line by being the 'bad guy.' It makes me feel incapable, incompetent and worthless. People close to me all tell me I'm doing a fantastic job - why can't he see I'm a good mum but even I have periods of instability and exhaustion!

....I'm mentally drowing in 4 kids from dawn until dusk and I'm feeling burnout, angry and sad. Instead of noticing I was needing a hand at bedtime, or just seeing how clearly distressed I was earlier, he's shouted and blamed me instead? I do bedtimes for all 4 children, with a shared story, every.. single ..night. I often don't sit down until gone 9.30pm (if I'm late with dinner or one child is upset or not going down, he will never step in, which means it can take a long time some nights! I'm shattered!)

He'll make backhanded comments about my job too, then badger me for when I'm paid.

AIBU to want a little understanding!?! :'-(

He ridicules your job AND badgers you for your income? This is abusive behaviour. And the rest. No wonder you’re depressed and overwhelmed.

If I were you I’d squirrel this money away. Tell him you want to see if you can manage on just one salary for 6 months since he’d like you to give up your job and you’re thinking of it. You need to start building up a leaving fund just in case.

Then, book a weekend away. Ask a close relative to provide you with an excuse if you need to. Prepare NOTHING for him for the time you’re away. Swan back in at 8pm on the second night and comment on the state of the house.

You both sound tired, stressed and at breaking point.

I think you both need a calm conversation to move forward.

He needs to help more. Could you possibly lack some boundaries like he says? Don't see it as criticism but a way to move forward.

Your job sounds like it does make your life more difficult. You mentioned it's for human contact, do you need it financially? There might other options out there for you.

Oh OP, when is he parenting these four children he created with you? ❤️

What days/hours do you work?

I'm so sorry. He really is the problem here. He needs to help you, not sit in his room. Not only does he not help, but then he also complains about how you are doing it. We also have 4 children, it really takes both parents helping. My husband is gone early too so I do the morning routine alone, but when he gets in he helps until bedtime, as it should be. I don't think leaving your job is a good idea when you don't have a very supportive husband, you need to have that independence in case you need it.

What he needs OP is a good kick up the backside to show him he needs to pitch in with the kids. He can cook meals, he can clear up and he can put the kids to bed. He can help with the tidying up. You both work outside the home and he is not pulling his weight. Once he's home from work, take yourself off for the evening and let him get on with it. I bet the house won't be sparkling clean and tidy when you return! Really, you need to go on strike for a few days to give him a taste of his own medicine! Then you can sit him down and have a discussion about how to split the childcare and chores.

"Once he's home from work, take yourself off for the evening and let him get on with it."

If your DH. Is up at 4 am and working 13 hours days this is a recipe for disaster.

How many days is he doing these hours and how do you both manage/ split weekends?

How many hours do you get to yourself op?

I’m sorry but if you’re only working p/t then he has a point. I need to wake up at 5am everyday to get myself and son ready for school and I only have one. You already know the kids are a handful - wake a bit earlier to get clothes / bags / lunches sorted so you have an easier time of it.

I think there is lots of husband bashing here ( quite possibly fair!) without the OP really having given much detail.
I think on days he works those long hours and you are not working it is fair for you to do the bulk of the kid work if they have been at school during the day.
On days you both work it should be shared proportional to the hours you have worked.
On days you are both off it should be shared.

Practical things you can do to help yourself on days you are working and then doing lots of kid stuff:

• plan your meals well. Have some quick options/ freezer meals ready. Coming home on days you have worked without something quick ready to go is a disaster.
• make sure you are giving yourself a break on your days off. Schedule an hour to meet a friend for a walk. Schedule some time for a nap or to just chill and read a book. Think about the rest your husband will have in the evening and give it to yourself while the kids are at school.
• but also make sure that your days off are productive. That you aren’t falling into the trap of hours on Mumsnet or similar. Try to get the laundry done etc.
• acknowledge that both of you are knackered and that is just the reality of this stage. It does improve. Try not to turn it into a competition.
• try to give your husband structured ways he can help if he isn’t good at it ‘can you be in charge if 2 pre cooked meals for each week?’
• have very clear ground rules for the kids eg that you never go to the park after school on the days you work, but that you will go two other after school days etc. Have a box with allowed after school snacks in it so they can grab it themselves without having to ask you. Teach them to make a sandwich if need be. If you have four kids they need to be independent earlier than their peers (which is a good thing in the long term).

It sometimes feels like a military operation running a household with multiple young kids, but it is your reality and you need to work together to survive it. God luck.

Ah man everyone is struggling. So much anger, so little time.

Hopefully the 5 year olds are at school now so maybe you can have a day off “sick” and just catch up on sleep and some mindless TV for a couple of hours. When you feel better maybe your husband can do the same.

What??

He’s working long hours.

The kids are at school for many of HER waking hours. Come on.

The children are at school five days a week. She works part time.
I too would be wondering why things are so disorganized if she has 2-3 weekdays free during school hours.

Phew! Feel tired just reading all of that! You must be exhausted 😩. Please ignore PP saying why have so many. They are here now. Can you see if GDP can help out for a night maybe.DH should not be able to lock himself away.you need to tell him straight They are his kids too and he needs to step up .

I think, like many arguments, it is the combination of truth and unfairness that makes this hurt.

I think you know that you aren't doing as good of a job as you want to, hence why his comments hurt so much. If you were 100% happy with what you were doing, you'd easily brush off and laugh at his remarks.

But despite being true they are vastly unfair, because it seems like he isn't pulling his weight around the house at all. With 4 children, he absolutely needs to.

The logical solution (if you have two reasonable partners who can discuss things rationally) is to make a plan that acknowledges both. What you are going to do to improve the situation, and what he is going to do to contribute to the house more. That is how a good team acts.

I don't understand, do they not go to school?
Surely that is at least one or two days a week where you have time off to do housework work, personal care/ decompression or both?

Exactly.

You need to give your children melatonin at night and get them on a routine.

Your husband has checked out of your marriage and checked out on being a father.

When you say “slammed” do you mean he assaulted you??

When you tell him he needs to be involved with bedtime, what does he say?. Tell him you can't do it all alone. Its an impossible situation. The 9 year old has to do more as well.

Do you have family nearby? Friends?
Or a McDonald’s that stays open late?
Someplace safe like that you could hang out?
Tonight when it’s the kids’ bedtime, simply say to your husband, ”you’re on,” and depart for somewhere where the surroundings are decidedly more pleasant and peaceful and leave your husband to put the kids to bed and do ALL the picking up around the house.
Stay away plenty long enough - but not too long - for him to get everything done before you return home.
If, per chance, he hasn’t got the dishes done or the living room picked up or all the toys put away and the kids are still fussing about, there isn’t a thing you need to say - just raise your eyebrows and off to bed you go.
Because tonight is not your problem - is it.
Wasn’t a question, dear heart. ❤️
Sometimes people need a “teachable moment.”
Sounds like your husband is due his.
Be brave.

If you don’t need the money from your job like you mentioned it was more for your mental state - quit. All of your kids are in full time school? Plan the time they are at school as it if was a job but implement time for your self . This is how I do it although I have a baby and one whose at pre school only 3 days.
9am clean up from breakfast if I hadn’t managed it hang washing out make beds general tidy
10-11 go for a walk for babies nap in sling or pram and listen to a podcast
play with baby / fold washing / prep lunch

prep tea / do whatever cleaning or home admin needs doing
1-3 baby naps
honestly in this time ill do half an hour workout and then ill sit for abit with a cuppa and watch some telly or sit in the garden if nice my husband works away and we have no family support he’s always encouraging me to chill as much as I can he sees how hard it is.
school run 3pm then til 7/7.30pm im solo and all the usual homework tea bath stories bedtime and the baby is currently up 4/5 times overnight

Guessing that you go to work for a ‘rest’ from all the demands of your home life . You’re juggling a lot of balls and are pulled in so many directions that the exhaustion is palpable and the overwhelm relentless.
You are not a robot and you’re going to come crashing down (❤️ I say this with concern ❤️)

I’m wondering that, as two of your children are ND, that you may be struggling with adhd/autistic traits yourself and are struggling with burnout . Something has to give so that you can have some complete down time in the day to unplug yourself . This is not a luxury; it’s survival . You need to put your own oxygen mask on first, in order to help yourself feel better. Simplify what you can in the home to make a calmer space..
( shove a ton things in the boot of your car as I do to create space - I’m adhd and can feel your pain so much ) Don’t rise to your other half criticising you ..

Be a grey rock . He knows jack shit about how much you’re coping with . Alone .
Sending so much strength xxx

I think people are being unnecessarily harsh on him. Yes he needs to do more but he must be exhausted as well. All this talk of ‘he gets a peaceful lunchtime’, yes but it sounds like he does a manual job. OP gets up later and has more time off in the week, I know this is balanced by her doing a lot with the children and around the house but that might be how he’s seeing it.

Sit down when calm. Tackle one problem at a time. E.g. bedtimes, a plan how to have calm bedtimes and work on that. Then move on to other areas. After school have a snack ready that you prepare in the morning. I find routines work well so as soon as they come in they have x snack. At bedtime they do x, y and z and have a reward chart if they do.

If both of you are working, both of you should be sharing housework. And there’s no reason he can’t participate in the childcare of his own children when he’s home

Yeah, if he won’t help out, why expect her to have so many kids?

It’s quite possible they only planned for 2 and the twins were an oopsie