Husband blaming me for our kids...

[RabbleBabble]

.I really feel like I'm being squashed, I really need some clarity and other opinions.....be kind please....

My OH and I have 4 children - 3 girls, 1 boy (including set of twins) aged 5,5,6 and 9.

I work part time, that's all I can manage and because I really needed something for my brain and self esteem - we agreed I'd go back to work part time to help supplement our mortgage - it's not a lot but it helps. Anyway...

I'll admit, since the twins were born I've always found it hard parenting 4 kids, lots of noise, mess, chaos. I can have good routines but we go through periods where some will wake in the night, I get tired and my boundaries slip.

Lately, I've been struggling, cried in the car yesterday on route to work. Constant arguments between the kids, not tidying up toys, mess, noise, multiple night wakings - I am exhausted! I told my OH I'm not feeling myself and I feel burnt out. At the time he was supportive and seemed like he understood. (2 of our children have ADHD and Autism)

Fast forward today. Stressful morning getting 4 kids up, breakfast, dressed, into the car to school on time, then bomb it to work, leave work, pick kids up, more arguing in the car, get home, immediately bombarded with 4x requests for food, one child crying who is tired, 2 shouting and one asking to go to the park. I'm trying my best to stay calm, see to the needs one by one. I've made dinner but my OH has come home and tired from leaving at 4am for work and moaned about the mess and 'crap everywhere.' He takes his dinner and eats it in our bedroom. (He is out from 4am til 5pm and always exhausted.)

Fast forward to bedtime, one twin is becoming so difficult to get to bed, I am so frazzled with her screaming and crying and getting out of bed, I loose my temper and shout at her, eventually she settles, but was in and out of bed 15 times and I couldn't take anymore, I was crying, tired, overwhelmed- I just needed him to step in or do something to help my daughter or me. Instead my OH ignored the entire situation and appeared at the last minute to shout at her to get in bed. (Once I'd already got her settled!)

Then he absolutely slams me, shouting I should get up earlier like 'he' does and sort their clothes for school, make them clean their mess, get them in bed at X time.

I agree - but I'm struggling and I am so emotionally dysregulated and overstimulated, I just can't stop myself getting quickly overwhelmed and shouty....I think I am suffering from anxiety triggered by lack of control and possibly suffering from depression......

I feel he completely bulldozes over me, he said things like, 'it's a state in here all because of this little 'job' you've 'got' to do!' (literally shaming me) and 'I'm up at 4am grafting and you can't even tidy up and sort the kids out.' 'Get up early like 'I' do and sort stuff out.' (I was up at 6.15 today with one of the kids!!) and 'you make the kids worse at bedtime/you don't know how to settle them/they walk all over you' and the killer blow 'why do you have to make it so I'm the villian!'

He makes me feel I do all this on purpose, I'm lazy so he has to step in and whip everyone into line by being the 'bad guy.' It makes me feel incapable, incompetent and worthless. People close to me all tell me I'm doing a fantastic job - why can't he see I'm a good mum but even I have periods of instability and exhaustion!

....I'm mentally drowing in 4 kids from dawn until dusk and I'm feeling burnout, angry and sad. Instead of noticing I was needing a hand at bedtime, or just seeing how clearly distressed I was earlier, he's shouted and blamed me instead? I do bedtimes for all 4 children, with a shared story, every.. single ..night. I often don't sit down until gone 9.30pm (if I'm late with dinner or one child is upset or not going down, he will never step in, which means it can take a long time some nights! I'm shattered!)

He'll make backhanded comments about my job too, then badger me for when I'm paid.

AIBU to want a little understanding!?! :'-(

I see a couple with a huge amount on their plate. More than most.

Your DH is working way more hours than most.

You have more children than most, they are all young and 2 have SEN.

Honestly, something had got to give.
I say job.
Can you afford to lose salary somewhere?

Where is most pragmatic to do so? This is in terms of practicality of jobs, income, long term career prospects etc.

Whichever of you whose hours are most pragmatic to lose right now, then how many hours per week will you as a family gain?

If it is you- Some of those hours need to go towards your own needs- volunteer work, meeting friends, exercise, reading a book quietly in your own home- whatever. The rest need to go back into the family and household.

Ideally you would both be working (in and /or out of the home) the same number of hours per week and each having the same smoung of time to yourselves.

Share this comment with your DH then maybe discuss with him if you should split up. Maybe you'd both be better parents without the churning anger and resentment?

When my kids were little similar ages to yours but only 3 children, my husband also worked the same hours as yours and I worked part time. I did drop offs and he picked them up from childcare. I didn't get home until 6.45 so he fed the kids and looked after them for that period so yes I think he should be helping more. However for us this was not sustainable. We had to both get new jobs which worked better hour wise as we were both exhausted. Maybe see if you can get him to sit down and make a plan for the next year? You are both going to burn out and one of you will crash out. You have my sympathy. It's tough now but it'll get better soon.

None of that is helpful...."hang on, let me go back in time and not have 4 kids...." 🙄

You should get up early like he does? So does that mean you also get to go and eat your dinner in the bedroom alone and stay hidden in your room till the next morning. No you don't.. you continue working with the kids while he rests. You get no rest apart from sleep, which you don't even get that by the sounds of things. Your partner is in the wrong and I think you should get help in the real world op, speak to your GP as a priority or the relevant health professional. Things can and will get better, just seek some help to get this moving in a positive direction for you and the kids. Good luck Op. X

She doesn't need medical help! She needs a bloody partner!

So he fucks off to work before the kids are up, comes home, moans at you, doesn't eat dinner with the family, doesn't help at bedtime apart from to shout at a settled child (so still not helping) and then has a huge go at you.
Why are you with him?
Four children is a lot without SEN thrown in to the mix. He should be coming home and helping. How has it got to the stage where he does nothing?
Two options really. Either discuss with him what needs to be done every day. For a start split bedtimes so you do two children each. Then he either does 50%of the housework or he pays for someone to do it
Or you increase your hours at work and leave him or make him leave. I know which one I'd choose.

If his job is so hard and important surely it pays well enough for you to have the days free to sort the house and rest, or hire some help, which he should organise.

He doesn't get to opt out of parenting and maintaining the house because he works more hours.

The third pregnancy was twins. I assume that they were only expecting to have a third child but ended up with four kids. OP couldn't send one of them back.

Even the Government recognises twin pregnancies in relation to the 2-child benefit cap so if the second pregnancy produces twins, they can still claim benefits for that child.

More than one person, including my DH and me have said something along the lines of “I’ve never hated my husband/wife as much as when the kids were little/babies.”
unpalatable as it is, it is true. My boss even said it to a colleague with a baby who was arguing with her partner over pressures of parenting a baby.
I am still here, happy with my DH of 32 years together. Boss is still with his wife, presumably happy after years.
You are both in survival mode and the issue is isn’t what was said, but to remember things are tough. Talk about it with him.
I told my DH re the messy house/kitchen: “It’s a working kitchen/lived in home of little kids.” Because it is. Mess isn’t a priority unless it dirty and a health hazard.
If he’s worth a future with, you have to talk.
Look to the future together and better times.

There is 63 hours roughly of awake parenting hours. Plus your (guess) 18 hours of work on top of that. In total 81 hours not counting sick days and sleepless nights and a heavy emotional burden of parenting.

He is doing 65 hours a week with breaks and predictability.

Both things can be true: you let the kids walk all over you and that’s why they act up even more. 15 times in and out of bed is way too much. I was like that, but my ex always managed to get DD to do tasks that even now I struggle with getting her to do (and she’s an adult 🥴).

But he’s an asshole who’s bullying you.

OP, what are your working hours? Several people have asked this

If you work 1 day per week, that's v different from 90% of full time

It sounds as though OP works while the kids are at school. OP has four kids, including two with SEN, does absolutely everything in the house and with the kids and works part-time and you are asking 'what on earth is that time being spent on'? You think she's living the Life of Riley while her poor husband works all hours? He is a twat to think that he can just opt out of fatherhood.

You’re also dealing with a complet arsehole on top of the 81 hours as a third job - there’s no debating that.

You’re a normal woman OP doing the job of superwoman - no wonder you’re depleted.

I highly recommend melatonin & kids sleep meditation. Do what works and throw out the rule book until you’re breathing. Make a Mac & cheese with cauliflower and a shepherd pie to reheat and last the entire week. Make a huge pot of pasta to keep in the fridge. Make your life as easy as possible. Cut corners where you can and cut that husband too eventually.

bed time is a million times easy with a second set of hands. If the children aren’t listening to you it’s because you’re a lone and depleted soldier and you need air support.

Home boy needs to man up and be a Dad.

Also if he’s working so many hours can he afford a cleaner and some help to replace him ?

So you have 5 children.

Honestly is sounds so awful, do as little as possible today, I hope you get some good tips and advice on this thread.

The only things I can suggest is to get in some help with the cleaning and rest whenever you can.

It won’t always be like this. It will get easier x x x

Erm why is his job 4am-5pm and yours is 24/7.
you're frazzled coz you’re in an unwinable situation.

when he’s home from work he needs to split all the house and childcare duties. You’re covering childcare during the working hours when you’re at home and he’s working.

perhaps together you can write down and routine and do things on set days or just get a cleaner to outsource things. Presumably there are some days the kids are at school and you have a few hours? Make sure you catch up on some sleep then, but also do things you can’t do with kids eg organising, tidy and batch cooking. To make other days easier.

also he needs to do bedtime other some of the kids. And night wakings- why does he get a full night and you don’t. Take it in turns.
also go away for a long weekend and don’t prepare anything. Or leave a list etc. let him feel the full weight of responsibility to see if it changes his view,

What a nasty abusive twat.
What time is he spending with all 4 on his own?

Have you family to visit?
Pack a bag and leave him to it if its so easy.

Men who do very little in the house and with children are like this.

Those that pitch in are far more supportive.

Unfortunately when you are outnumbered by your children with diagnosises as yours have, it is very hard.

Be kind to yourself.
Can you speak to your GP?

Yes, as well as help.

The likelihood is that either she or her husband are also neurodiverse, given the strong genetic link. The extreme disregulation the OP describes is not 'normal', she doesn't have masses more on her plate than many. Investigating the cause of the anxiety etc etc will help her personally. Otherwise what you're suggesting, is that she will never feel capable or calm unless her husband does more...putting the whole onus on someone else seems fraught with issues.

He is not the sole source of all problems from the sound of the original post, if the OP can also help herself, for herself, why wouldn't she?

Hi @RabbleBabble

This sounds like A LOT - but it’s fixable and will get better.
what hours are you working? If you are doing short days 5 days a week - this is a disaster.
You may as well be working full time but without the pay to afford help in the home.
Try and ensure you ring fence 2 days in the home a week whilst kids are at school as your main priority. Once you have these days ring fenced everything can improve.
These are your headspace days for planning, cleaning, tidying, organising, batch cooking, school admin, updating calendar and some relaxing, coffee break, walk with friend or read. Don’t go on your phone in the day - get your jobs done and plan for the 3 days you’re working and how after school will look on those days.

In terms of parenting and your husband - there are lots of different opinions on this thread.
My 100% recommendation is to PRIORITISE the reorganisation of your part time work shifts and hours so you are alone in the house 2 days a week when the kids are at school. Then all other changes - your mood; your relationship; the organisation of the house and all domestic stuff; and parenting ideas and how you will do this can stem from this break to think.

All sounds just awful for You

YANBU, love.

love this story x

I agrée you’ve both got too much on your plates. His hours are ridiculous. Do you need the money from your job? Can you afford to get any help in at home?

he is wrong to treat you like he does. They’re his kids aswell and his home etc. He should be doing more. I’d attempt counselling the two of you to improve the way you are speaking to each other and feeling. If you continue as you are it won’t end well.

Equally I think you need to streamline your life and be more efficient- for yourself. With four kids and a job, you need to be super efficient and very well organised to make sure the basics just happen without huge effort so all you have to deal with is the unexpected things. I would probably spend a week having a huge declutter and making the kids help and understand where things go; I’d set up a reward system so they know good behaviour has a good consequence, you can implement this during the declutter and keep it up afterwards; and and I’d make some meal plans that were very quick meals and corresponding saved food shops ready to order on Tesco or whichever so you can do the weeks shopping in a couple of clicks. Think logically about what you are doing every day in your routines etc and how you can make it easier, less faff, more streamlined; for yourself so your life is clearer and easier to go though the routines.

The way he is speaking to you needs to change. If you both want to stay married, change needs to happen I think. Best of luck to you xxxx