Husband blaming me for our kids...

[RabbleBabble]

.I really feel like I'm being squashed, I really need some clarity and other opinions.....be kind please....

My OH and I have 4 children - 3 girls, 1 boy (including set of twins) aged 5,5,6 and 9.

I work part time, that's all I can manage and because I really needed something for my brain and self esteem - we agreed I'd go back to work part time to help supplement our mortgage - it's not a lot but it helps. Anyway...

I'll admit, since the twins were born I've always found it hard parenting 4 kids, lots of noise, mess, chaos. I can have good routines but we go through periods where some will wake in the night, I get tired and my boundaries slip.

Lately, I've been struggling, cried in the car yesterday on route to work. Constant arguments between the kids, not tidying up toys, mess, noise, multiple night wakings - I am exhausted! I told my OH I'm not feeling myself and I feel burnt out. At the time he was supportive and seemed like he understood. (2 of our children have ADHD and Autism)

Fast forward today. Stressful morning getting 4 kids up, breakfast, dressed, into the car to school on time, then bomb it to work, leave work, pick kids up, more arguing in the car, get home, immediately bombarded with 4x requests for food, one child crying who is tired, 2 shouting and one asking to go to the park. I'm trying my best to stay calm, see to the needs one by one. I've made dinner but my OH has come home and tired from leaving at 4am for work and moaned about the mess and 'crap everywhere.' He takes his dinner and eats it in our bedroom. (He is out from 4am til 5pm and always exhausted.)

Fast forward to bedtime, one twin is becoming so difficult to get to bed, I am so frazzled with her screaming and crying and getting out of bed, I loose my temper and shout at her, eventually she settles, but was in and out of bed 15 times and I couldn't take anymore, I was crying, tired, overwhelmed- I just needed him to step in or do something to help my daughter or me. Instead my OH ignored the entire situation and appeared at the last minute to shout at her to get in bed. (Once I'd already got her settled!)

Then he absolutely slams me, shouting I should get up earlier like 'he' does and sort their clothes for school, make them clean their mess, get them in bed at X time.

I agree - but I'm struggling and I am so emotionally dysregulated and overstimulated, I just can't stop myself getting quickly overwhelmed and shouty....I think I am suffering from anxiety triggered by lack of control and possibly suffering from depression......

I feel he completely bulldozes over me, he said things like, 'it's a state in here all because of this little 'job' you've 'got' to do!' (literally shaming me) and 'I'm up at 4am grafting and you can't even tidy up and sort the kids out.' 'Get up early like 'I' do and sort stuff out.' (I was up at 6.15 today with one of the kids!!) and 'you make the kids worse at bedtime/you don't know how to settle them/they walk all over you' and the killer blow 'why do you have to make it so I'm the villian!'

He makes me feel I do all this on purpose, I'm lazy so he has to step in and whip everyone into line by being the 'bad guy.' It makes me feel incapable, incompetent and worthless. People close to me all tell me I'm doing a fantastic job - why can't he see I'm a good mum but even I have periods of instability and exhaustion!

....I'm mentally drowing in 4 kids from dawn until dusk and I'm feeling burnout, angry and sad. Instead of noticing I was needing a hand at bedtime, or just seeing how clearly distressed I was earlier, he's shouted and blamed me instead? I do bedtimes for all 4 children, with a shared story, every.. single ..night. I often don't sit down until gone 9.30pm (if I'm late with dinner or one child is upset or not going down, he will never step in, which means it can take a long time some nights! I'm shattered!)

He'll make backhanded comments about my job too, then badger me for when I'm paid.

AIBU to want a little understanding!?! :'-(

When you're having a tough time at bedtime, emotions are at their highest and you're both very stressed and exhausted. You definitely are, and he must be also (4am to 5pm out at work is no joke).
I think you should have an open and calm conversation today, and come up with a list of tasks for each of you in regards to Housework and kids. He can sort their school clothes etc at night fpr the next day (although the 9 yo shouldn't need that) and potentially get the kids to tidy up as well (I find that if you "help" them tidy up, even if it's just picking up a few toys, it gets them going...) it doesn't have to be all on you since you've done the after-school and bedtime.

I'm sorry, he takes his dinner to his room? And the kids see him do this? He is a terrible parent and an unsupportive husband. What's the point of him living there of he's not really being part of a family? Of course you're both tired, you have 4 children, but they are the responsibility of both parents. He needs to do better.

Doing it all by yourself without him, his judgement and lack of help might actually be easier and less stressful for you.

Is he actually at work and commuting from 4am to 5pm or does he have other stuff in that time such as Gym/ Pub or something else for himself? As pp’s have said he’s working 4-5 and you are working 6-9 or later.

My dad used to commute a few hours a day but spent just as much time again in the pub ensuring he got home after everyone was in bed.

Don’t feel forced to give up your job to make his life easier and have nothing for yourself.

I know time is a bit short but perhaps keep a diary for a week of what he does, when he starts and finishes and what you do? Also think about the relationship the kids are viewing.

Who the fuck does he think he is? You are basically a single mum, he does nothing, and then shouts at you for not doing it better?
Tomorrow is his turn. He can single-handedly do dinner, homework, bedtime, clean up and then get all their stuff ready for morning, like he helpfully suggested.

My gosh you are bloody amazing.
Second loop earplugs

Also melatonin for the kids - absolute game changer. You can get it expensively imported online and then go to the doctor with diary of how it's made a difference then they can prescribe it.
And tell the kids to get off you when you are overstimulated: explain it nicely but be firm. You will lose your temper if they keep touching you because you cannot cope. (I have explained this alot but sometimes I still snap get off me, I love you but get off me).
Keep your job.
Nothing to say about the twat of a man. Except show him this thread.

He is the breadwinner. That’s hardly “nothing.”

Presumably to contribute towards life, bills etc?

OP this all sounds horrendous. How part time is part time? Assuming a day or so off a week there should be plenty of time to keep a house vaguely organised, so I'm assuming that it is the kids that are more of a problem.

At that age, I'd let the 9 year old stay up a little later leaving 3. Either do the 2 5 year olds together with the 6 year old, or allow the 6 year old an extra cartoon or whatever while you see to the 5 year olds. Ideally split the latter between you and your husband, but even solo this would work better. Shared stories between 4 at different ages will never work. We have 3 and until recently when the teens were too old, would do one after another stories. Do they all share rooms?

0615 isn't especially early to be up, so I would be setting my alarm for 0600 or whatever every school morning to give yourself a routine. Equally, not 'sitting down until 930' is fine, especially given you presumably have days off in the week.

It does sound like you need some medical help though with your emotional disregulation and overwhelm. I had a diagnosis of ADHD though a few years ago which explained a lot, and have found that since being medicated by capacity for calm is far greater.

She works too though, doesn't matter whoever earns more, they need to pull together.

You need to calculate how many “me hours” you each get each week, starting calculating at 4am each day (if that’s when he gets up every day) and finishing in the evening whenever the last of you stops working. Of course night duties also have to be included. And any breaks during the day - coffee breaks, lunch etc subtracted. And include weekends. Sit down with him and do it together.

Why on earth did you have 4 kids? I struggle to have any sympathy for people who complain about their lives as a result of their own choices especially when it comes children.

Oh OP, I feel you… I got shouty yesterday and I only had one child to get out the door to school.

I have done full time, part time and SAHM and honestly part time work is the hardest. You have the stress of a job and getting there, pay that sucks, often unpaid over time as most ‘part time’ jobs are not in reality. Then on top of that the view that your job is less important so you end up doing all housework and child care. It’s a lose lose situation… and it’s not working for you.

you and your DH need a conversation about how to move forward. He can’t sit on his arse and blame you.

So he’s out from 4am - 5am. The. He pisses fig upstairs. You are up from 6ish until when? When do you ‘clock off’. And what happens during the weekend?

you could throw back that if he earned more you could afford a cleaner and nanny. Or you could just leave him for a week and see how he copes. Or you could have counselling. But he honestly sounds too thick to ever get it.

I doubt they planned twins. Nor did they plan to have dc with adhd and ASD

How is it you are in a position that he never does bedtime with any of them? Tonight I'd leave the house and leave him to it.

OP also works part time outside the home. And full time inside the home.

maybe if he was a ‘better’ breadwinner they could afford help with their 4dc two of which have adhd and ASD.

no? Then he should roll his sleeves up and help parent

Hi, OP.
Both you and DH are exhausted but he is out of order.
A bit of a concern for me, can i ask, why is he badgering you for when you get paid? Do you give him all your wage? Do you have money for yourself? How have you both arranged your finances?

I have 4 myself.
1 is autistic.

Reading your OP, you do too much and it is no wonder you burn out.
The kids should tidy up their mess. 5yrs is not too young.
When they came in from school, I made them take off their uniforms, hang it up or put in washing before they have a quick snack. Older ones helped younger ones.

Next was tidy their rooms/mess/do their home work before any play.

Tidy away their play things before dinner.

Bedtime - bedtime stories was all in my bed and after the story, i saw all of them off to their rooms. As they got older 5 - 6 years old, i played bedtime stories in their room while i went down and quickly washed dishes.

I kept strong boundaries.
That was the only way i could survive. I worked (still do) ridiculous hours as an NHS staff.

When DH walked out on us, youngest was 2 years at the time. I kept to this routine and it was easier because i didn't have him coming in and telling them off or picking an argument with me for some random stuff when he has not been in all day/never lifts a finger to do anything around the home.

My suggestion, look at what you can outsource - like bedtime stories, tidying away of their toys, setting the table, helping in the kitchen.

I understand some of the kids have Autism and ADHD, having boundaries would help even more.
All the best.

Not commenting on your DH because i feel I may project.
But he is definitely out of order.

They planned at least 3..even after the adhd asd stuff they still had more..you made your bed so..

All of her kids are in school. That leaves quite a few free hours in the week to organize meals and clean the house and keep clutter at bay. What on earth is that time being spent on?

Authoritative parenting IS gentle parenting

And supernanny doesn't do authoritative she does authoritarian.

Four kids is tough, especially close together. I’d say to dh look you have a stressful job and are to tired to take your share of home duties yet would like a show home here so I’ll give up my job to do the whole deal hear and keep it spotless. If he says no ask him how he’s going to do more at home

I think you need a nanny.

I think you can say you’ll get up when he does if he helps equally in the evenings so you can clock off when he does.

meet in the middle.

If he isn’t willing to help when he gets home ask him why he thinks you should get up with him and do more?

Put the call into his court.

But with 2x5yo and a 6yo you have 3 children very close in age who need someone still doing lots for them or promting them - add in 2 with send.

it won’t last for ever but if he’s not willing to do 50/50 then he will have to accept this is how you will react to yeh situation.

I had five kids very close in age and a similar sounding husband. I was a SAHM until the youngest was 5 as we had no childcare and my husband regarded absolutely everything as my job. All he did was get up and go to work, come home, eat dinner and go to bed. He'd watch TV while I was bathing, putting to bed, feeding kids - he literally didn't lift a finger to help. I actually found I coped better when we split up, as I became more relaxed and it wasn't any MORE work as he hadn't helped at all. The kids (one with autism and AHDH) got easier as they got a bit older and into more of a routine with school and home.

@nutbrownhare15

I disagree. Here is a link to a good article. I think it shares some similarities but there are also differences.

www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/parenting-matters/202501/does-gentle-parenting-work/amp