Husband blaming me for our kids...

[RabbleBabble]

.I really feel like I'm being squashed, I really need some clarity and other opinions.....be kind please....

My OH and I have 4 children - 3 girls, 1 boy (including set of twins) aged 5,5,6 and 9.

I work part time, that's all I can manage and because I really needed something for my brain and self esteem - we agreed I'd go back to work part time to help supplement our mortgage - it's not a lot but it helps. Anyway...

I'll admit, since the twins were born I've always found it hard parenting 4 kids, lots of noise, mess, chaos. I can have good routines but we go through periods where some will wake in the night, I get tired and my boundaries slip.

Lately, I've been struggling, cried in the car yesterday on route to work. Constant arguments between the kids, not tidying up toys, mess, noise, multiple night wakings - I am exhausted! I told my OH I'm not feeling myself and I feel burnt out. At the time he was supportive and seemed like he understood. (2 of our children have ADHD and Autism)

Fast forward today. Stressful morning getting 4 kids up, breakfast, dressed, into the car to school on time, then bomb it to work, leave work, pick kids up, more arguing in the car, get home, immediately bombarded with 4x requests for food, one child crying who is tired, 2 shouting and one asking to go to the park. I'm trying my best to stay calm, see to the needs one by one. I've made dinner but my OH has come home and tired from leaving at 4am for work and moaned about the mess and 'crap everywhere.' He takes his dinner and eats it in our bedroom. (He is out from 4am til 5pm and always exhausted.)

Fast forward to bedtime, one twin is becoming so difficult to get to bed, I am so frazzled with her screaming and crying and getting out of bed, I loose my temper and shout at her, eventually she settles, but was in and out of bed 15 times and I couldn't take anymore, I was crying, tired, overwhelmed- I just needed him to step in or do something to help my daughter or me. Instead my OH ignored the entire situation and appeared at the last minute to shout at her to get in bed. (Once I'd already got her settled!)

Then he absolutely slams me, shouting I should get up earlier like 'he' does and sort their clothes for school, make them clean their mess, get them in bed at X time.

I agree - but I'm struggling and I am so emotionally dysregulated and overstimulated, I just can't stop myself getting quickly overwhelmed and shouty....I think I am suffering from anxiety triggered by lack of control and possibly suffering from depression......

I feel he completely bulldozes over me, he said things like, 'it's a state in here all because of this little 'job' you've 'got' to do!' (literally shaming me) and 'I'm up at 4am grafting and you can't even tidy up and sort the kids out.' 'Get up early like 'I' do and sort stuff out.' (I was up at 6.15 today with one of the kids!!) and 'you make the kids worse at bedtime/you don't know how to settle them/they walk all over you' and the killer blow 'why do you have to make it so I'm the villian!'

He makes me feel I do all this on purpose, I'm lazy so he has to step in and whip everyone into line by being the 'bad guy.' It makes me feel incapable, incompetent and worthless. People close to me all tell me I'm doing a fantastic job - why can't he see I'm a good mum but even I have periods of instability and exhaustion!

....I'm mentally drowing in 4 kids from dawn until dusk and I'm feeling burnout, angry and sad. Instead of noticing I was needing a hand at bedtime, or just seeing how clearly distressed I was earlier, he's shouted and blamed me instead? I do bedtimes for all 4 children, with a shared story, every.. single ..night. I often don't sit down until gone 9.30pm (if I'm late with dinner or one child is upset or not going down, he will never step in, which means it can take a long time some nights! I'm shattered!)

He'll make backhanded comments about my job too, then badger me for when I'm paid.

AIBU to want a little understanding!?! :'-(

Hate this, pointing out the problem instead of helping to fix it.

Takes two to make a baby. If he didn't want any more children he had options to prevent them

No, it was a hyperbole, but you get the gist. (She is up in the night for one or the other frequently )
Do you have 4?

I think that the way he is speaking to you is disrespectful and unkind- not on. He obviously doesn’t get to opt out of all household chores and childcare, no matter how hard he might work.

However, it’s hard to know how far the balance of work is unfair because we don’t know your hours of work- part-time could be 15 hours a week or 30+. For example, given your children are at school, if you were working 2 days a week and all/most of those hours when children at school and had 3 days at home, I think it is right that the bulk of household chores fall to you. And your DH would have some grounds for frustration (though not for berating and belittling you, and obviously he should not be doing zero chores and zero childcare). If you are working 30 hours over 5 days, clearly it would not be fair to expect the same.

I think you both sound unhappy. I think you need to sit down and talk through how you are feeling and what you want/need from each other.

Playing devil's advocate a bit... But...mo one can have it all so you have to make choices... You chose to have the kids, maybe until they are a bit older he has a point in that your job has to give. If your struggling so much is it really worth it? And maybe similar for your hubby, could you look at him moving jobs or living closer to his work so he's not up so early every day? Good luck x

Apologies for making a mistake but it doesn’t alter the fact that even after a 13 hour day it does leave him with hours of leisure time over RabbleBabble

Of course he will be going to bed before 10pm but what was he doing between 5pm and his bed time apart from making bad situations worse by shouting and being belligerent

From the experience of my single parent friends (a couple of whom have 4 dc) They found life so much easier being a single parent than when they had a husband who did nothing to help.

It’s RabbleBabble,s dh Mansplaining what she should do to be a successful parent and wife and cleaner etc. How to get everything done whilst he avoids all responsibility or interaction with dc save for shouting at them after a situation has been handled

Whilst being a single parent might be hard work, given RabbleBabble is doing everything anyway then would she really miss the shouting

"a 13 hour day it does leave him with hours of leisure time over RabbleBabble
If her DH leaves the house at 4 am he is up before then. Realistically he has no more than 2.5 hours if this is a typical day. We don't know if he does this 4 days a week 5 or 6 but she has said he is always exhausted, and he complains about grafting so probably a physical job.

We don't know what OP's day looks like. We know she got up at 6:15 this particular day as a child was ill so it sounds like this is not usual. We also don't know how many hours she works part time or how many days. She could easily have 2 or 3 hours to herself when the kids are at school.

It also seems like working part time was her idea but as a family it's probably too early /kids too young for this to manageable for them. Maybe it's a fair division on weekends but op has not been back so we have no idea...

You had your 4 children together .. so therefore you parent together.
Uou are bringing your children up all 4 of them working and trying to look after the home cleaning cooking washing ironing and all the other things a home requires.
Tell him to stop bullying you and work together at bedtimes .. why does he get out of stories at bedtime or cooking a meal or bathtime or sorting clothes out for the next day just because he works they are his children too and you are his wife not his sounding board.
This isn't the dark ages men help and support their wife & children to have a happy home.
I wouldn't put up with him end of .

Fuck him off mate.
Or threaten to at least.
If you're not going to be supportive and help out then hush your damn mouth.

Maybe 3 children is easier than 4. I think it is. Twins are not planned for.

Give him a week of doing the dinners, bath and bedtime routine for all four kids so you can “learn” from him how it should be done and then he’ll realise it’s not as easy as he’s suggesting 🙄

So in effect you are working AND looking after 4 kids. He gets a break going to work.
Men p* me off.
This is not and should not be your life.

My DH leaves for work at 5am and usually gets back at 8pm, six days a week. Still manages to do the washing up and bins when he gets home.

Did your husband want 4 kids? I know it takes two to make a child but it's almost always the woman pushing for 3+, usually with an accidentally-on-purpose final child.

Does OP not get a 'break' going to work too?

I work 14 hours a week. DH works 80. I obviously do the majority of the childcare and housework. DH would MUCH rather be at home with the kids than having a 'break' for fourteen hours a day at work.