Page 10 | Husband blaming me for our kids...

RabbleBabble · 2025-05-08T21:25:19+00:00

.I really feel like I'm being squashed, I really need some clarity and other opinions.....be kind please.... My OH and I have 4 children - 3 girls, 1 boy (including set of twins) aged 5,5,6 and 9. I work part time, that's all I can manage and because I really needed something for my brain and self esteem - we agreed I'd go back to work part time to help supplement our mortgage - it's not a lot but it helps. Anyway... I'll admit, since the twins were born I've always found it hard parenting 4 kids, lots of noise, mess, chaos. I can have good routines but we go through periods where some will wake in the night, I get tired and my boundaries slip. Lately, I've been struggling, cried in the car yesterday on route to work. Constant arguments between the kids, not tidying up toys, mess, noise, multiple night wakings - I am exhausted! I told my OH I'm not feeling myself and I feel burnt out. At the time he was supportive and seemed like he understood. (2 of our children have ADHD and Autism) Fast forward today. Stressful morning getting 4 kids up, breakfast, dressed, into the car to school on time, then bomb it to work, leave work, pick kids up, more arguing in the car, get home, immediately bombarded with 4x requests for food, one child crying who is tired, 2 shouting and one asking to go to the park. I'm trying my best to stay calm, see to the needs one by one. I've made dinner but my OH has come home and tired from leaving at 4am for work and moaned about the mess and 'crap everywhere.' He takes his dinner and eats it in our bedroom. (He is out from 4am til 5pm and always exhausted.) Fast forward to bedtime, one twin is becoming so difficult to get to bed, I am so frazzled with her screaming and crying and getting out of bed, I loose my temper and shout at her, eventually she settles, but was in and out of bed 15 times and I couldn't take anymore, I was crying, tired, overwhelmed- I just needed him to step in or do something to help my daughter or me. Instead my OH ignored the entire situation and appeared at the last minute to shout at her to get in bed. (Once I'd already got her settled!) Then he absolutely slams me, shouting I should get up earlier like 'he' does and sort their clothes for school, make them clean their mess, get them in bed at X time. I agree - but I'm struggling and I am so emotionally dysregulated and overstimulated, I just can't stop myself getting quickly overwhelmed and shouty....I think I am suffering from anxiety triggered by lack of control and possibly suffering from depression...... I feel he completely bulldozes over me, he said things like, 'it's a state in here all because of this little 'job' you've 'got' to do!' (literally shaming me) and 'I'm up at 4am grafting and you can't even tidy up and sort the kids out.' 'Get up early like 'I' do and sort stuff out.' (I was up at 6.15 today with one of the kids!!) and 'you make the kids worse at bedtime/you don't know how to settle them/they walk all over you' and the killer blow 'why do you have to make it so I'm the villian!' He makes me feel I do all this on purpose, I'm lazy so he has to step in and whip everyone into line by being the 'bad guy.' It makes me feel incapable, incompetent and worthless. People close to me all tell me I'm doing a fantastic job - why can't he see I'm a good mum but even I have periods of instability and exhaustion! ....I'm mentally drowing in 4 kids from dawn until dusk and I'm feeling burnout, angry and sad. Instead of noticing I was needing a hand at bedtime, or just seeing how clearly distressed I was earlier, he's shouted and blamed me instead? I do bedtimes for all 4 children, with a shared story, every.. single ..night. I often don't sit down until gone 9.30pm (if I'm late with dinner or one child is upset or not going down, he will never step in, which means it can take a long time some nights! I'm shattered!) He'll make backhanded comments about my job too, then badger me for when I'm paid. AIBU to want a little understanding!?! :'-(

FlyMeSomewhere · 11/05/2025 08:31

GoodCharl · 11/05/2025 08:09

So he does fuck all to help with the household/parenting? Get rid. Youre already a single mother

Do you think it'll be easy for her manage all those kids on her own when they are are still very young and dependent. The lack of conversations prior to the pregnancies has lead to this, it was never going to be easy to have three kids in the space of a year!! His job might genuinely wipe him out everyday but this should have been spoken about before another pregnancy happened.

Tipsyscripsy · 11/05/2025 08:36

I used to be out the house 4.45am until 6.30pm and the minute I stepped in the house, I would take over with the toddler. There is literally zero excuse for him to go and sit in the bedroom!!!!! To eat and my extension completely ignore what is going on. No wonder you feel so burnt out, he’s a fucking loser

MyOliveHelper · 11/05/2025 08:37

FlyMeSomewhere · 11/05/2025 08:08

They both got themselves into this! They had a 3 year old then had another child, then when the second child was 1, they got pregnant with twins! That many very young and dependent kids in such a short space of time was always going to bring a world of pain! Three kids born over the space of a year or so! Of course it's going to take on both parties especially a dad that's up in the early hours to be out the house for 12 hours a day. They should have had these conversations about how tough it could be before having 3 kids in quick succession especially as things like ADHD and autism seem to be rife among kids these days!

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And this is the other thing. Last week I had to cover in community, did a bookjmg appointment for a woman, very MC, has a 15 month old who doesn't sleep and they're struggling.... why oh why have they PLANNED another baby? And yes, it could be twins. She wouldn't have been scanned yet so it could be.

It's like they don't realise that having a mortgage and food in the fridge and savings is great, but it doesn't mean you're coping as parents. If you're still crying several times a week through exhaustion and frustration, baby planning shouldn't be on the agenda, surely?!

Newmumhere40 · 11/05/2025 08:42

Flossy1985 · 10/05/2025 21:55

OP I’m hearing you! I don’t have 4 kids just one 7month old who is enough. I don’t get me time either not even 5mins because there is always something I need to do regards housekeeping. I feed him, I change him, I bathe him, I keep up with the activities to help him and wake up early hours to change and feed him. I don’t expect him to do it when he is working but weekends give me a bloody break!!
He goes to the pub 3x a week when he knows I’ve been up with baby all night and day he comes in from work wanting “5mins” and I say to him where’s my 5 mins. I don’t go out unless I can and it’s with baby in tow last night he never came home and didn’t bother to tell me. Laughs saying he got a frosty reception to his mates, all the while I’m the one doing everything. I’m tired and exhausted but it’s never seen and sometimes I do get very upset. I worked full time before my son never off sick and I was even working in hospital the day I had him. But it’s not enough to them. I’ve put my foot down I’m not a fucking doormat and I will not put up with this inconsiderate shite. You need to put your foot down too I hope you find your voice it’s not fair and it’s not normal.

What did you do? What was he like before you had a child? Pub three times in one week! I have a 4 month old and I've been out more times than my partner. That is unacceptable.

WhatNoRaisins · 11/05/2025 08:52

As for the maths, I think 8 hours sleep would be very generous with that many kids. We don't even get that with 2.

PenguinLover24 · 11/05/2025 08:57

You are completely burnt out and sound very similar to me (I have ADHD) it can be hereditary do you think you might have it? I completely relate to the feeling overwhelmed, burnt out and that you don't have control! I imagine the mess is driving you insane as well but it's a never ending cycle because of everything else going on. As for your husband he sounds like an absolute c*nt. My husband can be out the same times as yours and he still comes home and does his bit. You have two jobs going at the same time and it's so much to handle but at the same time why should you give up your paid work if it's something you need for yourself? I don't have any advice on this specific situation I just wanted to validate how you're feeling and let you know you aren't the issue! X

Flossy1985 · 11/05/2025 08:58

Newmumhere40 · 11/05/2025 08:42

What did you do? What was he like before you had a child? Pub three times in one week! I have a 4 month old and I've been out more times than my partner. That is unacceptable.

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I am an office manager and even after having baby I was dealing with the admin and making sure emails and details were up to date. Before baby we were always out together. I’m quite relaxed generally I get that after work he might want to go the pub but when I’m just totally not thought about that’s a different story. Half considering buggering off out as soon as he gets in one night 😅

LaDamaDeElche · 11/05/2025 09:12

Walkden · 11/05/2025 08:28

"She worked out the maths wrong, yes. Why do you jump to her being a misandrist?"

Because she has no problems working out the maths for op but ignored that 6:15 is not the usual get up time; it was because one of the DC was ill plus op does not work every weekday so often has 7 hours to herself while they are at school.

She then minimises the long hours that the DH works and on top of that says that 10pm to 4am is 8 hours sleep... Never mind that he leaves for work at 4am so probably gets up earlier than that....

We still don't know how many days the husband works these hours or how they split weekends work

Edited

To be fair we don’t know that the OP doesn’t work all weekdays either, unless I missed that. She could be working school hours as I’m assuming she needs to do pick ups. We don’t have the ins and outs of weekends, whether her husband works on a rotation and has a few days off between long shifts etc, like you said. We do have information that he leaves his wife to deal with difficult situations with the kids and doesn’t step in, belittles her job and what she does around the house and ignores the fact that she’s struggling emotionally and isn’t offering her the support and understanding a partner should. None of that is ok or excused by working long hours.

Laurmolonlabe · 11/05/2025 09:17

Tell him in no uncertain terms he is not the only one under pressure , and if he wants to be all Homes and Gardens he needs to help with clearing up- he may be exhausted, but so are you-why is it a problem he won't accept , but it's your problem not his? If he dislikes the chaos then he has to pitch in- he needs to put up or shut up.

Survivor2020 · 11/05/2025 10:18

TheHerboriste · 08/05/2025 22:43

I don’t think he’s wrong that you need to get up earlier and be more organized.

Why not take a snack in the car for the kids?

Why can’t the nine year old help more and read the bedtime stories?

Your husband sounds like a major arsehole and I doubt he only recently became one. What was the thought process behind having four kids by him?

She's doing her best. She doesn't need to be criticised. She's doing really well. I'm sure you don't have twins yourself because if you did you wouldn't write this comment.

Nanny0gg · 11/05/2025 10:24

FlyMeSomewhere · 11/05/2025 08:08

They both got themselves into this! They had a 3 year old then had another child, then when the second child was 1, they got pregnant with twins! That many very young and dependent kids in such a short space of time was always going to bring a world of pain! Three kids born over the space of a year or so! Of course it's going to take on both parties especially a dad that's up in the early hours to be out the house for 12 hours a day. They should have had these conversations about how tough it could be before having 3 kids in quick succession especially as things like ADHD and autism seem to be rife among kids these days!

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They're here now

And he is not. Not when he gets home from work or at weekends.

No excuse for his behaviour

FlyMeSomewhere · 11/05/2025 10:31

Nanny0gg · 11/05/2025 10:24

They're here now

And he is not. Not when he gets home from work or at weekends.

No excuse for his behaviour

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Yes and they should have spoken about the burden it would be to them before they went ahead with another pregnancy! Pregnancies are optional generally, it's not like they just happen and give you no choice. It's like all the women on here saying their partners just don't have much interest in the baby, did they check that their partners were enthusiastic to have one before turning their lives upside down and having one.

Mynewhat · 11/05/2025 11:18

Funny how someone who isnt doing it day in, day out, night in, night out knows better.
I hope you remind him that, although he is up at 4am, you were up at....11pm, midnight, 1am 2am and 3am and thats the reason being up, dressed and orgsnised at 4am isnt as easy as he thinks he knows it is.
You're doing great, the mess and dust, the chaos and noise won't last forever. If he don't like the mess, either step over it or clear it up. X

FlyMeSomewhere · 11/05/2025 12:54

Mynewhat · 11/05/2025 11:18

Funny how someone who isnt doing it day in, day out, night in, night out knows better.
I hope you remind him that, although he is up at 4am, you were up at....11pm, midnight, 1am 2am and 3am and thats the reason being up, dressed and orgsnised at 4am isnt as easy as he thinks he knows it is.
You're doing great, the mess and dust, the chaos and noise won't last forever. If he don't like the mess, either step over it or clear it up. X

The OP isn't up every hour of the night though! They aren't newborns.

FlyMeSomewhere · 11/05/2025 13:03

MyOliveHelper · 11/05/2025 08:37

And this is the other thing. Last week I had to cover in community, did a bookjmg appointment for a woman, very MC, has a 15 month old who doesn't sleep and they're struggling.... why oh why have they PLANNED another baby? And yes, it could be twins. She wouldn't have been scanned yet so it could be.

It's like they don't realise that having a mortgage and food in the fridge and savings is great, but it doesn't mean you're coping as parents. If you're still crying several times a week through exhaustion and frustration, baby planning shouldn't be on the agenda, surely?!

Show quote history

It's like you and I are the only people on here saying that the consequences need to be spoken about before committing to a pregnancy!
Everybody telling her to hate her partner and kick him out won't be the ones with 4 very young kids to manage on their own and a part time job that won't keep the roof over their heads and food in the cupboards!
It's intelligence to not get in that situation in the first place where you have two partners that now hate other and 4 kids that nobody is enjoying raising! And you have people on here saying to get the 6 year old involved in parenting, when does the little 6 year old get parented! It's a situation that's not fair to anyone involved.

aylis · 11/05/2025 13:09

Iceboy80 · 10/05/2025 22:30

Looking at it from a fathers point of view he does have a point, 4am till 5pm each day is a long day! And maybe you need to be better organised and maybe thats something he can help you with, but the kids are obviously in full time school so what hours are you working? Do you need that job, can you not survive of just his income as I would rather have a happy organised home than what seems to be going on here.

One thing I would say though is maybe he needs to be a bit harder on the kids who are playing up as father's do a much better job of dishing out the discipline so he needs to be doing his part and although he is doing long hours he still needs to help out.

Good luck, sounds like you need it.

Maybe he could be more organised. It's fucking insane to me how this always falls on women. HE needs to be more organised. HE needs to step up.

ChilledMama85 · 11/05/2025 13:11

cadburyegg · 08/05/2025 22:38

What the actual fuck am I reading? He needs to be doing 50% of the work as soon as he steps in the door. I can’t believe he expects you to put 4 kids to bed by yourself while he puts his feet up. How selfish. I’m a single parent and it’s hard enough getting 2 kids to bed by myself let alone 4.

this

FlyMeSomewhere · 11/05/2025 13:13

aylis · 11/05/2025 13:09

Maybe he could be more organised. It's fucking insane to me how this always falls on women. HE needs to be more organised. HE needs to step up.

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You've got no idea how stressful or exhausting his job is and he works long hours - the amount of man hate and Man blame on here is shocking! Both parties should have avoided another pregnancy!

ChilledMama85 · 11/05/2025 13:16

FlyMeSomewhere · 11/05/2025 10:31

Yes and they should have spoken about the burden it would be to them before they went ahead with another pregnancy! Pregnancies are optional generally, it's not like they just happen and give you no choice. It's like all the women on here saying their partners just don't have much interest in the baby, did they check that their partners were enthusiastic to have one before turning their lives upside down and having one.

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how is your comment helping? do you have a time machine for them?

ChilledMama85 · 11/05/2025 13:27

FlyMeSomewhere · 11/05/2025 13:13

You've got no idea how stressful or exhausting his job is and he works long hours - the amount of man hate and Man blame on here is shocking! Both parties should have avoided another pregnancy!

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yes, exactly! I have 2 kiddos & since we had 2nd I am back at work part time. Bedtime, story time, bathing, feeding, cleaning- all 50/50.

Of course we do argue- I am not saying we’re perfect - we definitely ain’t.

I never understood this phenomenon- one person is working few hours a day so the other gets to do 24/7 shifts?! Thats not a marriage/ partnership- I’d be going full time asap if that was the only condition for DH to step in. Let him see what 50% of chores means because ’you work too’. Let him pay for the nanny to do drop offs because ‘you have to work’ .

You need a break & a calendar- dot down who does what. If one parent takes eg. twins for supper, story time / brushing teeth/ ,toilet, lights off ( I’d hope in a calm manner that the children deserve ♥️) then the other one could possibly tackle the other two.

Personally I’d not expect older kid to look after the youngest, they are still a child themselves, its not fair on them imo.

TheHerboriste · 11/05/2025 13:30

ChilledMama85 · 11/05/2025 13:16

how is your comment helping? do you have a time machine for them?

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It might prompt others to think before acting. This is a general discussion forum, not 1:1 therapy.

ChilledMama85 · 11/05/2025 13:30

ChilledMama85 · 11/05/2025 13:27

yes, exactly! I have 2 kiddos & since we had 2nd I am back at work part time. Bedtime, story time, bathing, feeding, cleaning- all 50/50.

Of course we do argue- I am not saying we’re perfect - we definitely ain’t.

I never understood this phenomenon- one person is working few hours a day so the other gets to do 24/7 shifts?! Thats not a marriage/ partnership- I’d be going full time asap if that was the only condition for DH to step in. Let him see what 50% of chores means because ’you work too’. Let him pay for the nanny to do drop offs because ‘you have to work’ .

You need a break & a calendar- dot down who does what. If one parent takes eg. twins for supper, story time / brushing teeth/ ,toilet, lights off ( I’d hope in a calm manner that the children deserve ♥️) then the other one could possibly tackle the other two.

Personally I’d not expect older kid to look after the youngest, they are still a child themselves, its not fair on them imo.

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discipline does not have to mean yelling & being unpleasant to the kiddos

TheHerboriste · 11/05/2025 13:33

FlyMeSomewhere · 11/05/2025 13:03

It's like you and I are the only people on here saying that the consequences need to be spoken about before committing to a pregnancy!
Everybody telling her to hate her partner and kick him out won't be the ones with 4 very young kids to manage on their own and a part time job that won't keep the roof over their heads and food in the cupboards!
It's intelligence to not get in that situation in the first place where you have two partners that now hate other and 4 kids that nobody is enjoying raising! And you have people on here saying to get the 6 year old involved in parenting, when does the little 6 year old get parented! It's a situation that's not fair to anyone involved.

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Exactly.

I spent more time selecting a programme on Netflix yesterday than some people spend pondering the implications of fertilizing another human egg. It’s so exasperating.

MyOliveHelper · 11/05/2025 13:53

FlyMeSomewhere · 11/05/2025 13:03

It's like you and I are the only people on here saying that the consequences need to be spoken about before committing to a pregnancy!
Everybody telling her to hate her partner and kick him out won't be the ones with 4 very young kids to manage on their own and a part time job that won't keep the roof over their heads and food in the cupboards!
It's intelligence to not get in that situation in the first place where you have two partners that now hate other and 4 kids that nobody is enjoying raising! And you have people on here saying to get the 6 year old involved in parenting, when does the little 6 year old get parented! It's a situation that's not fair to anyone involved.

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I don't understand MC educated professionals getting in this situation

FlyMeSomewhere · 11/05/2025 14:45

ChilledMama85 · 11/05/2025 13:16

how is your comment helping? do you have a time machine for them?

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To encourage people not to make the same mistakes! I don't know how they can help their situation unfortunately but all the hate and blame being piled on to men alone is a bit unfair as both parties share culpability for allowing another pregnancy to happen with two very young children to care for already when they did it.