Husband blaming me for our kids...

[RabbleBabble]

.I really feel like I'm being squashed, I really need some clarity and other opinions.....be kind please....

My OH and I have 4 children - 3 girls, 1 boy (including set of twins) aged 5,5,6 and 9.

I work part time, that's all I can manage and because I really needed something for my brain and self esteem - we agreed I'd go back to work part time to help supplement our mortgage - it's not a lot but it helps. Anyway...

I'll admit, since the twins were born I've always found it hard parenting 4 kids, lots of noise, mess, chaos. I can have good routines but we go through periods where some will wake in the night, I get tired and my boundaries slip.

Lately, I've been struggling, cried in the car yesterday on route to work. Constant arguments between the kids, not tidying up toys, mess, noise, multiple night wakings - I am exhausted! I told my OH I'm not feeling myself and I feel burnt out. At the time he was supportive and seemed like he understood. (2 of our children have ADHD and Autism)

Fast forward today. Stressful morning getting 4 kids up, breakfast, dressed, into the car to school on time, then bomb it to work, leave work, pick kids up, more arguing in the car, get home, immediately bombarded with 4x requests for food, one child crying who is tired, 2 shouting and one asking to go to the park. I'm trying my best to stay calm, see to the needs one by one. I've made dinner but my OH has come home and tired from leaving at 4am for work and moaned about the mess and 'crap everywhere.' He takes his dinner and eats it in our bedroom. (He is out from 4am til 5pm and always exhausted.)

Fast forward to bedtime, one twin is becoming so difficult to get to bed, I am so frazzled with her screaming and crying and getting out of bed, I loose my temper and shout at her, eventually she settles, but was in and out of bed 15 times and I couldn't take anymore, I was crying, tired, overwhelmed- I just needed him to step in or do something to help my daughter or me. Instead my OH ignored the entire situation and appeared at the last minute to shout at her to get in bed. (Once I'd already got her settled!)

Then he absolutely slams me, shouting I should get up earlier like 'he' does and sort their clothes for school, make them clean their mess, get them in bed at X time.

I agree - but I'm struggling and I am so emotionally dysregulated and overstimulated, I just can't stop myself getting quickly overwhelmed and shouty....I think I am suffering from anxiety triggered by lack of control and possibly suffering from depression......

I feel he completely bulldozes over me, he said things like, 'it's a state in here all because of this little 'job' you've 'got' to do!' (literally shaming me) and 'I'm up at 4am grafting and you can't even tidy up and sort the kids out.' 'Get up early like 'I' do and sort stuff out.' (I was up at 6.15 today with one of the kids!!) and 'you make the kids worse at bedtime/you don't know how to settle them/they walk all over you' and the killer blow 'why do you have to make it so I'm the villian!'

He makes me feel I do all this on purpose, I'm lazy so he has to step in and whip everyone into line by being the 'bad guy.' It makes me feel incapable, incompetent and worthless. People close to me all tell me I'm doing a fantastic job - why can't he see I'm a good mum but even I have periods of instability and exhaustion!

....I'm mentally drowing in 4 kids from dawn until dusk and I'm feeling burnout, angry and sad. Instead of noticing I was needing a hand at bedtime, or just seeing how clearly distressed I was earlier, he's shouted and blamed me instead? I do bedtimes for all 4 children, with a shared story, every.. single ..night. I often don't sit down until gone 9.30pm (if I'm late with dinner or one child is upset or not going down, he will never step in, which means it can take a long time some nights! I'm shattered!)

He'll make backhanded comments about my job too, then badger me for when I'm paid.

AIBU to want a little understanding!?! :'-(

You are both exhausted and overwhelmed. You want to be looking for ways to lighten the joint load. If you are not coping with the house and the kids, the most obvious answer seems to be to ditch the job. This would give you chance to get the house in order and have some downtime, and allow you to have the resources to get the kids in line.

Quit your job so you can tidy up? Seriously???

Sorry, the last bit: he badgers you for when you’re paid? Does he take money from you?

Plus - he might get up at 4am but you’re on the run between 6.15 - 9.30pm - that’s a massive shift too, so you are in NO WAY being a slacker.

He sounds like a twat, I hope you fight back.

As others have said, he does a 13 -hour day but you do every minute of the day.

Am I missing something? The children are 556 and 9 so in school during the day? How part time are you. If its significant then I don't think it's unreasonable that you keep the house in order. Bed times should be shared.

Is he working 13 hours 5 days a week?

Since he's happy to dish out advice on how you should be doing things, I'd give him some advice right back. Tell him you're solely doing 4 kids morning and night and a PT job during the day. That's a hell of a lot. He should be helping with the kids, not disappearing off to work and expecting you to just manage.

Presumably his job isn't paying that much if you also need a PT job. Tell him to go get a job with more regular hours and higher pay so he can support his family properly with money and actual parenting. See how he likes that feedback.

What would happen if you fucjed off at 5pm on Friday when he came home and stayed with a friend/in a hotel until Sunday? That's what I'd be doing...

Hi OP,

Firstly, I’m really sorry to hear how difficult things are. I hugely admire anybody who has 4 children like you, as I found it a lot going from 1 to 2, so I can only imagine how much more you have taken on and how much busier/overwhelmed you are feeling atm. I also really feel for you having to do all of the bedtime routine alone, that is a lot and the point of the day we are all most tired.

I have a few thoughts/practical suggestions (sorry if these are things you’ve already considered/irrelevant as 2 of yours have additional needs):

• Are there any tweaks that could be made in terms of having everything you need for the school run ready the night before/earlier in the morning? Could you DCs help?
• Could you block out some time as a family on a weekend to declutter/organise a rotation of toys?
• Could you agree with your children an appropriate amount of toys to have out at certain points of the day, which they are then responsible for tidying? E.g one box of toys on the living room floor, 1 activity on the dining room table. Having less out can be instantly more achievable to tidy and feel less overwhelming to you all. They often play with it/use it better too. Store excess things out of reach if you can.
• Your job sounds like a welcome break for you, so worth hanging on to.
• I think you need to be sitting down and relaxing earlier than 9.30pm, gradually bringing that time earlier. My DD (3) is in bed at 7pm, my DS (6) is now often awake until 8.30-9, but from 7.30pm I have insisted that he play quietly in his bedroom/read/listen to a Tonie, as this is adult time/TV downstairs. He does this because he knows there will be consequences (removal of privileges) if he didn’t.
• Get really tough on the children shouting and arguing. When mine were younger and tried that in the car, I pulled over and stopped. We were on our way out somewhere for them, I calmly but firmly made it fundamentally clear that if they did that again I would turn round and go home. I’ve left parks/play dates before for misbehaviour, so mine absolutely know I will do what I say.
• Agree that your DH should step in as that’s about supporting you, I would feel down by that, and it’s understandable you then shout more. Society loves to shame parents for shouting- we are human! Some days feel stressful with little support! Definitely do not beat yourself up about that.
• Review age-appropriate chores for all children. Mine both are responsible for: putting dirty clothes in the laundry hamper, getting out breakfast items/foods, bringing bowls/plates/cups to sink, each morning after breakfast they run their own pants, vests, socks and tights up to their rooms and put them away in their drawers, tidying toys/room, watering flowers.
• Sounds like you and DH could benefit from some time alone, can anybody babysit so you can spend dome time together to properly relax and talk?

So sorry again to hear that things are difficult 🥲 sending you and your family my best wishes.

4am til 5pm is including his commute I assume as you say that's when he leaves and comes home, so he's not actually working 13 hour shifts. Plenty of people work long hours his just sounds worse because it starts at 4am.

He needs to be more understanding, plain and simple. Even if you didn't work at all and the kids were at school all day every day you are allowed to feel like you do, we can all get like these even without the stress you actually do have.

Talk to him, lay it out, say you need more support but whatever you do, DO NOT quit your job, that's terrible advice.

@RabbleBabble

You are doing SO much. I think it’s about sitting down with DH when you are both calm and working things out together - who does what, a plan and and agreement.

I think it’s also worth looking at authoritative v’s gentle parenting - and I’d definitely go authoritative with 4 kids. There is an article in Psychology Today saying there is little research backing gentle parenting, but authoritative (done positively and kindly) works wonders.

I actually think Supernanny does this very well, although she is now out of fashion. Check out her videos on YouTube.

I have a DD who is very bright, pushes boundaries to the limit - even now as a teen. The only thing that works is to be confident that my rules (tidying bedroom, eating healthily, doing homework) are in her best interests or there is a consequence (no pocket money, packed lunch instead of dinner money, phone blocked for a week if homework not done.
Consistent boundaries and agreed consequences really work - you need to work them out as a family, Supernanny used to write the rules out together as a family, with privileges for good behaviour and consequences for bad.

So? That means they were careless with birth control and/or rejected the option of abortion. Both conscious choices, not something that “happened” to them.

Choices have consequences.

I’d like to know what days/hours the OP is employed.

OP I accidentally pressed YABU, I'm sorry! You are absolutely not at all. He sounds absolutely awful, I'm so sorry 😔 It sounds like hell. I bet he's one of these men that pretends he needs to work those hours, but really just does it to avoid parenting

All you want is "a little understanding?"
Christ on a bike the bar is low. 🤦‍♀️

Surely, she doesn't need an ADHD diagnosis, she needs actual help with her kids?

The family can't cope with their kids! That is, or should be, their priority.

@CharismaticPelican Maybe so. But being out of the house from 4:00 am to 5pm must be very tough.

Sorry to be blunt but if you guys aren’t set for life on a shit ton of money already, then either his career or job is batshit and he needs to change it. No one needs to be working those hours every single day unless it’s gonna be short term with life changing money! Can either:

• He find a less batshit job with normal hours
• You increase your working hours to make up for him stepping down if that’s the only way he can do fewer hours?

I'm up at 4am grafting and you can't even tidy up and sort the kids out.' 'Get up early like 'I' do and sort stuff out

What grafting is he doing at 4am that doesn’t involve getting himself ready.

If you insist on doing the little 'job' you've 'got' to do! Then surely he is doing his long winded job that exhausts him so much that he is incapable of taking part in raising his children.

Maybe pull him up on his wording about how he instructs you on what you can do better rather than what he can help you with. (Shouting at dc after the event is not grafting and not helpful)

Personally I would threaten him with divorce and 50/50 custody then he might realise that being out of the house for 13 hours per day does not mean you can ignore family life apart from shouting instructions about what everyone else should be doing.

Personally I think divorce would make the household so much calmer. And you have the added bonus of peace and quiet and living like your dh for half the week. For you it would be a win win

I would say a lot of issues with your children stem from the issues they see their dad isn’t supporting you and blaming you for everything and they are just reacting to having this disjointed parenting
This isn’t your fault.

There are 24 hours in a day. He is away for 13 hours and sleeps for 8 hours. That leaves 3 hours he is winding down. Where is your 3 hours of wind down time

If tou get up at 4am does that mean you down tools at 5pm too

There is absolutely no way he should be talking to you like he does. Rudeness and unkindness is never justified.

However, you all sound absolutely knackered and it all sounds completely unsustainable, especially his job. Is he up for work at 4am five days per week? What time does he actually leave? Five 13 hour days is no joke and extremely exhausting.

Is this his shift plan for the foreseeable future? He really should have discussed this with you before kids, but if it is it does sound like you need more help at home, either paid for or by you taking a hit on your job.

It is a really hard time of life. Get the kids to do more.
Having one or two children out with Grandparent, or walking to the park with a babysitter gives the rest of the household a huge break. Pay a cleaner for bathrooms, floors and mowing.

You and your husband should aim to both help put the kids to bed.
Op, you are working part time so should try to have the chilren's pickups, food and washing organised.
Be tough on insisting that your children behave well (and can withdraw to a quiet place rather than fight each other) Make it a rule that when they play with toys they put them away before getting out more toys.
Asign each child two daily chores as well as doing - their reader, their own teeth brushing, clothes into wash basket, lunch box on bench, cleaning shoes ready for school next day and dressing themselves.
Chores could be: emptying dishwasher, setting table, feeding dog, walking dog, and putting their own clean laundry away.

Kids need only shower every second day, before dinner.

You need to be organised with the evening meal. A set time soon after DH arrives home from work. Then you each take two kids and hear reading, teeth, read story and into bed. Lights out at set time for each kid with others quietly in their rooms.
Routine will help you and DH spend more time together.
You couid relax with a cup of tea after the kids are in bed.
Then you do a quick one hour speed clean kitchen, load of washing, prepare lunch for kids the next day etc.
You get up at 6:30 am. That gives you time to be organinsed before you leave.
DH gets up at 4:30 and does everything for himself - lunch, breaky and leave.
Weekends can be a recharge time.
You and DH each get a lie in, batch cook, clean and tidy house, bins, take outdoor excursions and walks, kids get an hour of screen time per day. Organise for Sunday to be as restful as possible. You can't see the wood for the trees unless you stop and work in a purposeful way.

With four children the golden rule is often Divide and Conquer.
Just one child out on an errand with Dad or weeding with Mum often brings complete calm to the home.

I have worked in male dominated fields my whole life. Trust me, 99% of these men don't need to work the hours they do. If they do, they better be earning enough to afford a full time nanny.

He must be exhausted working the hours he does - that is ridiculous no matter which way you look at it. Equally, four children - including twins and two with additional needs is no walk in the park either. You must be exhausted too.

You both need to be kinder to each other - the lifestyle you describe is totally unsustainable long term.

The main thing I think is that evenings need to be teamwork. He cooks and tidies up, you do bedtimes or reverse. Or if you both do dinner then you do two kids bedtimes each. Evenings aren’t fair on you

tbh I wouldn’t threaten divorce. If you do that and go ahead with it, your life will likely be even harder (all the grunt work and then added money worries).