Lost weight but husband hasn’t tried

[BoldAmberDuck]

Tell me if I’m being awful. I have lost a stone recently but my husband is significantly much more overweight and it really annoys me to see him still eating crisps, sweets etc and not caring. It’s been really hard going and I feel like I need some support and encouragement. I’m making healthy meals but he just snacks afterwards. He laid on the sofa with his belly out and it physically repulsed me. Feels like he’s being deliberately unpleasant and unsupportive. Or should I just think it’s up to him if he wants to carry on being obese?

@brunettemic I would if she was diabetic and stuffing family sized bags of crisps -

Could be worse, OP. My ex always used to decide he needed to go on some diet and exercise kick as soon as I got pregnant and I couldn’t join in.

It’s rotten watching someone else when you want to join in, but are trying not to. Good luck with it all.

You’re wrong actually. I’m not seeing this in a gendered way. I just think it’s not all that strange if a person who has been worried about their own health and started to do something about it might also hope their partner might decide to do the same. Because, y’know, they love them?

It can be seen as unreasonable, yes. Personally I think the importance of the end goal (better health) is more important than whether someone is being unreasonable or not.

No

@BrendaSmall well this guy is diabetic and more than a few stone overweight - hence I think OP wants him to help himself because if he doesn’t she could well end up in a position of needing to be a carer further down the line and is making attempts to try and prevent his condition getting worse.

So hard, OP, I absolutely empathise. My DH was in your position for a long time. I would secretly eat or massively overeat in front of him. He’s a healthy weight. I finally dealt with my weight by having surgery. My DH continues to eat what seems like silly amounts of chocolate, adds large amounts of butter to food, sprays oil on everything he cooks yet weighs the same as me! He started offering me bars of chocolate, tubes of Pringles etc. I told him very clearly that I wasn’t interested, but him eating this kind of stuff in front of me doesn’t bother me at all, but it really would were he overweight.

I don’t think saying the sight of his overhanging belly makes you react poorly would go down well, more obviously a concern for his health, or even telling him you aren’t happy at the idea of him harming himself/you having to look after him when the diabetes incapacitates him might be a way forward. Have you had this discussion? Btw, I’m surprised you were diabetic at only 2 stone overweight? At 12st overweight, I was never near the threshold, according to multiple tests.

It’s very frustrating that you have made the effort and he is carrying on putting on weight and not caring about himself, but you know yourself, you really need to be in the right mindset and if you aren’t, nothing anyone says helps.

If you got to a place where you needed to lose a stone then you must have been like your DH not long ago. Seems hypocritical to be judging him and having such nasty thoughts now you've lost weight.
I know people who struggle with their weight, all of them have lost several times and then put it back on. I do hope you keep it off, but just imagine you put it back on and your DH goes on to social media to say he finds you repulsive.

Why don’t they survive? That’s scary. My daughter’s best friend is diabetic and this has just frightened me.

Having been in a similar situation you are not in anyway being unreasonable. My ex got to dang near 500lbs and I tried to help him be healthy. He didn't want to be healthy and made a choice to continue to gain weight. You have to do what makes you happy. I left the marriage and I am a thousand times happier & healthier.

What an extreme reaction! Are you ok??

No I’ve never been that fat

My husband and I both lost weight a few years ago, I was happy with where I was then, and to be fair although I’ve love handles back I haven’t put on that much more weight again, he was happy to be fit and healthy and wanted to keep up with what is a slightly more extreme (in my mind, apparently not in others’ they see him as healthy but not extreme) way of living.

There is nothing more depressing, irritating and soul destroying than having someone silently or not judge you for eating crisps or drinking coke (he calls it sugar water) after a hard day’s work, or saying ‘god no’ about a takeaway or commenting on alcohol. While his health has soared, his personality has definitely taken a dip in my mind (although we’ve other problems than this anyway)

Kazzybingbong

that poster can correct me but she says she works with diabetic complications, I’d assume that’s not normal cases x

What people dont realise is that food addictions can be just as difficult as addictions to other things such as alcohol or drugs.

And thats usually what obesity is (if not caused by medical conditions) - a food addiction.

Like any addiction, to beat it, you need to be in the right mindset and have the mental strength to pull through the process. If you are not in that mindset, it will simply not happen.

In your case, I would focus on yourself and your own improvements. Its completely up to your DP if he wants to follow along.

I am also on a bit of a healthy eating initiative, and I dont buy unhealthy snacks for the house any more. I let my DP know that if he wants crisps, chocolate etc, he will need to buy them for himself.

Because I havent been buying for the house, and he's been witnessing me eating healthier and couldn't be arsed cooking his own dinners etc, he seems to have followed suit.

He’s an adult!!
He’s old enough to make his own mind up, he doesn’t need to be hen pecked by the wife!!
Shes not his mother!!!

I find something like that soooo repulsive. I admire discipline of mind and embracing hard over easy. Major incompatibility 😔

I don't think it's awful- especially if you didn't marry him that way. Ultimately, it's about more than looks. He's not healthy, so it's love. And love isn't always flowery language. Love can be tough

@BrendaSmall What will he expect the OP to do when he starts suffering the effects of T2 diabetes, because he’s not managing it properly?

The skin infections, slow healing sores, nerve damage, blurry vision, perhaps even having a toe or part of his leg amputated? It can get really nasty, I know someone irl who has an infected foot due to improperly managed diabetes, it all gets pretty gross.

Will he then expect her to care for him?

I’ve found stopping buying snacks altogether helps. If they’re in the house it’s easy to eat out of boredom or just to enjoy the flavour. To start with it’s hard, but over time you stop looking for extra food/ junk food

@BruFord I think that was exactly what I was getting at - it’s all well and good saying he’s an adult, it’s his business, it will rapidly become OPs business no doubt coping with this if he does get secondary issues - someone I know has to have injections in his eyeballs regularly - I realise anyone can become ill and need support from spouse but in his case it appears to be somewhat self inflicted- would it really hurt him to support his wife and help maybe control his condition too at the same time

Exactly @Crikeyalmighty Any of us might develop health problems, but we also have to be adults and do our part to manage our medical conditions. Ignoring medical advice, in the knowledge that you’re likely to become really unwell is childish.

Sounds to me that you are extremely controlling and want everything your way. Maybe if you allowed the idea of losing weight as a choice, he may join in. I also bet he feels your “disgust” for his gut, yet the fact that you are diabetic and needing to lose weight so badly indicates that you probably have some real “unattractive” features yourself.

Actually I am quite the opposite and don’t say boo to a goose. Totally non confrontational and non controlling. It was just this particular evening when I was struggling with hunger and seeing him eating all those crisps made me feel angry that he wasn’t supporting me, and the realisation that if I continue to lose weight and get pre diabetic levels that he won’t join in. I’m over it now. Will do it on my own. Thanks for all the comments everyone, good and bad, I’ve been made to feel like I’m a right fat cow and actually I’m not at all, I was just venting my feelings on what I thought was an anonymous forum and definitely got more than I deserved in abuse. What a nasty lot of women some of you are! Thanks to those that understand for your support. I won’t post again !