Lost weight but husband hasn’t tried

[BoldAmberDuck]

Tell me if I’m being awful. I have lost a stone recently but my husband is significantly much more overweight and it really annoys me to see him still eating crisps, sweets etc and not caring. It’s been really hard going and I feel like I need some support and encouragement. I’m making healthy meals but he just snacks afterwards. He laid on the sofa with his belly out and it physically repulsed me. Feels like he’s being deliberately unpleasant and unsupportive. Or should I just think it’s up to him if he wants to carry on being obese?

Repulsive is about as unpleasant as it gets, tbh.

Yes he may well have done. I’m just being honest about how I felt last night, and was looking for opinions on whether I’m being awful. Obviously I am . Generally we are very good together but equally I feel I need support from my husband and encouragement on my weight loss, and hopefully a joint effort to bothget more healthy as the health risks with diabetes are horrific. Amputation, sight loss, strokes and heart disease. I don’t want either of us to become disabled!

DH has been pre-diabetic for a few years and to be honest we didn't particularly take it seriously. That situation is now changing as he's on three different medications and he's doing blood sugar testing every day in readiness for a Diabetic consultant appointment with the very real possibility of insulin injections if things don't improve.
So gradually we have got rid of the sweet stuff and made the switch to sugar free alternatives. We still have plenty of tins which need to be eaten or passed on because they contain a lot of hidden sugar but it's easier if I go along and support him in this rather than have his and her treats - as he would eat my treats anyway! We have added in Chia seeds to our daily food and this is great for helping regulate the blood sugar absorption and helps with maintaining satiety levels. DH would start with one snack and end up having eaten an additional three snacks too because he was 'hungry'!
Maybe you need to do this with your DH - not necessarily tell him but don't buy in the rubbish and swop it for treats he can have. It's great that you have done so well to lose weight. But you can still have things that you like even if it's not recommended, GDD had made some cakes last weekend - not in his diet but who cares? He enjoyed one with a cup of tea - it's all about balance.
Stay positive and keep on with the weight loss - you're doing fine!! Let him keep making his own choices!!

You are being unpleasant. imagine your husband calling you repulsive and tell me that's not unpleasant

I didn’t call him repulsive to his face! I thought Mumsnet was confidential and I was venting how I felt about seeing his belly last night. I’m sure some people come on here just to try to argue with strangers!!

You still find him repulsive, whether you've said it to his face or not. Not really a nice way to think about someone you supposedly love.

Of course it's not confidential. It's a public forum on the Internet.

Focus on your own weight loss. He may join, and he may not. If you continue to be repulsed by him, discussions about the future should probably happen. For his sake as well as yours.

I get it, OP.

If my DH was overweight and risking his health/life, to see him knowingly continue with no self-restraint or respect for himself (whilst also setting you up for a time of potentially being his carer or an early widow), this would piss me off too.

However, if you didn’t agree to diet together, you don’t have a bargain to hold him to.

Yes you did! You said you feel like he’s “being deliberately unpleasant”.

Or should I just think it’s up to him if he wants to carry on being obese?

I presume you decided to 'carry on being obese' for quite a while so you should know how he feels.

Or should I just think it’s up to him if he wants to carry on being obese?

It is up to him, though? You can't make decisions about another person's health or body just because you're married to them. That's not how it works.

I would approach it differently OP.

Every tie he takes crisps into the lounge leave the room and go and sit in kitchen or wherever and get the laptop out. If he asks what you are doing say you are meal planning.

When you eat together when it comes up mention you are wondering if it’s possible for you to get your diabetes into remission, then mention a couple of things diabetes does to the body and say you are going this new eating regime will just become the normal for you.

No nagging, no suggestions, just planting seeds in his brain, are these crisps worth it?

If you don’t find him sexually desirable any more that is important in a relationship. This isn’t meant to be a platonic friendship. Do you want to stay with him if he continues to be self neglectful and flabby? “nice” is fine for a friend but he meant to be your lover. Belly out crisp munching sounds repulsive

Presumably if he’s your husband, he’s a fully grown adult who can make their own life decisions.

Of course it's up to him. You decide what you put in your mouth. He has the same privilege with regard to his.

You're obviously concerned about his health, and you're right to be. It's like people have forgotten that diabetes kills people? It's not just feeling a bit wobbly and needing a biscuit. My mum died at 56 from T2-related complications, it's a serious disease.

But you know you can't force him to care about it too. You can lead a horse to water, you can't make it drink.

Focus on your own health journey. You love him, so I guess keep encouraging him to be healthier for yours and his sake, but do think about how long this can go on.

Have you talked to him about it after the diabetes talk or even more recently to ask him if he was planning to join you in your diet?
Could it be that he is feeling like you decided to make changes but didn’t include him in the decision process? (how to change the food, what exercise to start, etc)
I can relate as I have a v overweight DH, love him with all my heart but yes from time to time I look at him and will notice the fat and it is not attractive.

You can only do this for yourself and be the change you want to see in the world. You are supporting him by eating the healthy and nutritious meals together because it is more important that the healthy food is being eaten than eliminating all the bad. Perhaps as he continues to see the healthier swaps you’re making he will begin to make healthier choices in snacks as well - “think better than” instead of great or perfect. And get him to think about how the unhealthy foods actually make him feel after eating them compared to how he feels after healthy food

When you're concerned about someone's health, you talk about their health, not how gross and repulsive they are. It's not like she's been the picture of perfect health until very recently herself. People need to find their motivation and get healthy in their own time, not because it would be convenient for someone else's health journey.

Exactly. Imagine a man coming on here saying how repulsive he found his wife and how he felt she was being deliberately unpleasant to him every time she opened a bag of crisps 😬

Well done on your weight loss. It's a shame that he doesn't want to join in as he'd not only be supporting you but also doing something major for his own health. I think a lot of men wait until it reaches crisis point. DF only stopped smoking once he was diagnosed with lung cancer in spite of DM having given up 30 years earlier.

True. But I’m in a very similar situation atm, and in this scenario I could easily tell my DH I had the privilege of refusing to push his wheelchair if he needs one in the future because his knee joints are screwed, he’s diabetic and his BMI is literally off the scale.

That’s not meant as a hijack btw, obviously I would never say this to DH as I do love him and am very worried about his health. But I wanted to provide a counter-argument to ‘it’s his choice’ because these things can and do affect a loving partner who is worried. OP, I think YANBU and his behaviour does sound really frustrating. Hopefully as time goes on he might start to feel inspired by your own weight loss.

If my partner felt I was repulsive and unpleasant, I’d rather they just leave me tbh. I can’t imagine how hurtful it would be to be in a marriage like that.

I think you have to go with it, he doesn't have to lose weight just because you are, however much good it would do him. DH eats a bowl of Crunchy Nut cornflakes after his dinner! He could just have seconds of dinner, I don't skimp on his dinner portion either. He was never skinny even when I met him though he does know he needs to lose 1.5-2 stone now, as he is a bit heavier these days, but I wouldn't exactly fit into my wedding dress now either. Well done on your weight loss. DH is quite interested and supportive of my efforts with Mounjaro - I imagine one day he will just quietly decide to try it and lose some weight.

So you'd have no problem finding out your husband thought you looked repulsive because it was on an anonymous forum?

No, people have better things to do with their time then pointlessly argue with strangers. in this case though, you asked if you were being awful and you were. HTH