Lost weight but husband hasn’t tried

[BoldAmberDuck]

Tell me if I’m being awful. I have lost a stone recently but my husband is significantly much more overweight and it really annoys me to see him still eating crisps, sweets etc and not caring. It’s been really hard going and I feel like I need some support and encouragement. I’m making healthy meals but he just snacks afterwards. He laid on the sofa with his belly out and it physically repulsed me. Feels like he’s being deliberately unpleasant and unsupportive. Or should I just think it’s up to him if he wants to carry on being obese?

Just leave him be and he'll either change eventually or he won't.

If he doesn't, his health will decline and he'll probably die years earlier than he otherwise would.
This isn't just an aesthetics thing.

I could’ve written this post OP, I’m in exactly the same position. Lost a stone and a stone to go. DH more overweight than me and makes no effort. It’s very difficult.

He’ll either lose weight or he won’t; you can’t control that and nor should you be able to (or have to!). Presumably you’ve been overweight for a while too - maybe it might help you to reflect on why you haven’t lost weight sooner but have been able to this time, identify what finally pushed you to do it. and recognise that the same process will have to happen for your husband. Maybe it will never happen, and what you do about that and whether you want to be with someone you’re clearly not attracted to is a different conversation.

Well yes obviously.

Just like all the overweight diabetic Mumsnetters.

But if forcing people to lose weight actually helped, there wouldn't be any, would there?

Crisps and "stuff" are absolutely fine in moderation. There's no reason why you can't have a packet occasionally.

We live in London so it’s been very easy to pick up takeaways after work etc. this has definitely been both of our downfalls over the years. I think after a take away we often used to then think sod it, we’ve done the damage today, then eat chocolate too. It’s a very easy trap to fall into

People need to be emotionally invested to make hard changes, just understanding the logic isn’t enough.
im not sure how that helps you. I never know what actually flicks the switch for me when I decide to start filling engaging in something like that. All I know is is that it doesn’t work until I do, regardless what my husband says or what I might be reading or knowing.

The thread title isn’t “I lost weight but my husband hasn’t lost weight”

it’s that he hasn’t even tried.

YANBU, OP.

How would you feel if this read

I want my wife to lose weight but she isn't so now I'm purposely feeding her less, but then she eats snacks afterwards and it makes me feel sick!

My DP is a fat bastard and sometimes he grosses me out too. Tell him.

So harsh and you clearly aren’t in love with your husband anymore if you think of him as repulsive! Also losing 1 stone isn’t exactly a huge achievement so maybe concentrate on yourself.

Well done on losing weight, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to disappointed that your OH isn’t making healthier choices, although I think it’s harsh to use the word repulsed, but you’re entitled to feel how you feel.
My DH is significantly overweight and has always struggles since childhood. When we met he was overweight, and is probably fractionally heavier than that now 20 odd years later.
I cook healthy meals from scratch, sometimes he doesn’t like what I’m cooking as I eat a lot of fish so he gets his own food.
His choices aren’t what I would make, and I’ve gently suggested that he should be trying to look after himself a bit more now we are middle aged but ultimately he’s a grown up, not one of our children.
He looks and feels better when he is thinner, as he did slim down previously so he knows he can do it. Despite his struggles with his weight he is my best friend and I love him regardless, he never repulses me but I do sometimes inwardly sigh about his food choices/snacking/fizzy drink consumption.
Nagging would make him eat more because food is a crutch/comfort for him and always has been, and I refuse to nag a grown up.

Honestly I’m sympathetic op.
I’m a nurse and find it so frustrating to see people literally killing themselves with sweets, crisps and generally eating crap- it is gross.
Well done to you for bettering yourself. Hopefully he will see you feeling happier and stronger and it will inspire him to sort himself out.
Also, if it’s you doing the shopping, just stop buying in the sweets & crisps he’s snacking on. You’re not his Mum but if it isn’t there, he can’t eat it.

I voted you are being unreasonable but i am not fully on that side of the fence.

I lost 25kg over last few years, toned everything up and sweat my arse off 4-5 x per week because i enjoy it, because i needed to and because i wanted to look better. I know exactly where you are coming from because i have a partner and two children who can eat what the hell they like and dont put an ounce of weight on. Not a jot. They have altered their diets a bit in support but there are times i just want to scream at them for eating the curry or kebab in front of me.

I dont have the repulsed issue, i fancy my partner like mad.

The reason i said you were being unreasonable is i think you need to make it clear to your DH how you feel. Tell him you cannot see yourself living with someone who is so overweight. You have no right to change him but you have every right to decide you dont want to be with someone who is overweight. There are issues in the bedroom, there are issues with housework, there are issues with playing with his children and there are issues looking forward with his health. It works both ways.

See if he feels your relationship is worth it

Yabu, look after yourself without his input.

My DH decides to go on a diet, he always needs/wants my help, to prepare, prep, discuss.

I am not overweight. It annoys me participating as it never lasts, until he decides again. I don't know why he can't try it quietly. 😅

OP is this more about the fact he's not actively supporting you/cheering you on?
OR
is it more that he doesn't seem attractive to you anymore as you are starting to lose weight so you are noticing how big he actually is now your getting slimmer?
My partner is obese and that's not me being unkind, by NHS standards his bmi classes him as this but I still find him attractive even though i have been on a weight loss journey for 3 months so far and have lost weight myself.
The difference is he is my biggest cheerleader says he's proud of me and compliments my weight loss which just makes me love him more and find him more attractive.
He will sit and scoff a whole 4 pack of sugar ring donuts and then a cream cake and think nothing of it HOWEVER he will also eat healthy meals that I cook.
Do you think that if he supported you more verbally and showing you how proud he is of you that you might see him in a different light?

Was your behaviour exactly the same as his prior to you losing weight?

I've lost weight (9st) and I've never expected anyone to hide what they're eating, this is a "me" thing, not them.....plus, showing his belly in his own home on his own sofa shouldn't be a big deal.....the main issue is you finding him repulsive

I think it may be fair to point out besides OP and partner both being diabetic - OP has stated she was a couple of stone overweight and has now lost 1 - and never slobbered around flashing her gut eating outsized family size bags of crisps - I think many may be interpreting it as hypocritical because she was hugely obese- clearly this wasn’t the case- She did say her H was significantly more overweight than she was. At the end of the day he is diabetic and many of you commenting on personal pig outs or partners pig outs probably aren’t diabetic, nor are your partners - so the situation is not the same - it is not unreasonable to want him to take a bit more care with his condition -

How does the food shopping work in your house @BoldAmberDuck ?
Meal planning? Budget? Cooking?
Can you leave him to buy his own snacks or whatever he wants after dinner?

Thank you, exactly this

I do it all but then he will go to the corner shop and buy big bags of crisps and bars of chocolate for himself and also tries to tempt me to eat them 🤣 despite what a lot of people on here have commented,I do love him but just don’t like us being overweight and unhealthy. It’s taken a huge amount of willpower to lose what I have.

No, mine has crept on gradually over the years, I’ve rarely binged but have on occasions I admit

Yes it’s an issue but what can I do? I didn’t tell him, I just felt it in my head and asked for advice on here.i take both sides of the conversation equally as valid. I wouldn’t like it either if he felt that with me. No one is perfect, surely some of us must occasionally be put off by something a partner does? We are both in our 40’s. We have no intention of splitting up

I think a bit of both really