To wonder how anybody can call this parenting?

[Bittwrsweet]

So, my ex and I split up a year ago, granted he has the kids one night a week. However, for the time I am with the kids, not one phone call, no involvement with afterschool activities, admin etc, no phone calls. How is it even possible that you can call yourself a parent when you can go a full week without even speaking to your kids and have no involvement in anything that they do. I as a mum could not do that, nothing would be done, it annoys me that he thinks he is a good dad.

If you care, then it affects you. If it is about your children, it affects you. If ou are here, you are affected. Why can't you just stop lying to yourself?

I care about my children yes and what is best for them, anything else outside of that I don’t give a toss about

@Mandemikc are you new here? OP has used the forum totally appropriately to have an anonymous rant, that’s a perfectly healthy and productive way of venting, burying an issue doesn’t help you move forward. It’s normal to work through your problems as a way of managing them, that’s all OP is doing, you’re the one who’s hung up on making this post into something it’s not.

Being new here doesn't make me new. I don't need to buy in to the toxic traditions of Mumsnet to know that this behavior that you so easily affirm as positive is in fact unhealthy projection. Ranting serves a purpose when and only when it is temporary and directional. At no point has the OP shown any indication of moving towards a solution.

BPP, I don't buy into toxic behavior. I abhor stupid and face it head on with eyes wide open. This entire thread has been a poster child for stupid female collective toxicity. Your similar story does nothing to help the OP. What did you do to fix it? Oh, nothing fixed? Your man still sucks? Then shut up, sit back, and hope someone comes along with a workable solution, otherwise you are extending the stupid.

Mumsnet should not be about promoting toxic atmospheres of man-hating female power fist bumping. It should be about empowering and supporting women in the growth of their knowledge and wisdom. I am doing that. You are supporting her "rant"ing. Absolutely not.

The OP deserves solutions, not agreement that sometimes, men suck. Hell, I know this but you never see me nurturing this narrative. Why? Because it isn't productive.

OP, if you are reading this. Stop taking zero advice from women. Their agreements of your plight doesn't help you resolve your issues. Sure it makes the base part of your mind happy, but that is the selfish, ignorant, non-productive side. If you want to fix a man, you must think like him. You must get support from men. You must learn to beat a man at his own game by being more like him than he is.

I will absolutely challenge every single person that replies to me that I am wrong. Because if any of you have the guts to read through my previous posts, you will see that I am being straight with the OP. I won't hold punches because her children deserve far better support than the majority of you have offered.

You need to take your own advice because the most frustrated and wound up poster is you, you’re overbearing.

I do take my own advice, that's why I give it.

Your use of "overbearing" is your way of diminishing my input and gaslighting me into believing I'm intolerant. In fact, you haven't once provided any real support to the OP. You feed on this ranting and have done everything you can to belittle my support and not provide any tangible solutions of your own. You are a hater so you have focused on me and not the OP. You aren't supporting her, you are actively bolstering her misery. Help, or shh.

Support comes in many forms and isn’t just by your prescription.

@Mandemikc I asked you to address the issue of the ex's lateness as one example. You haven't yet. You've berated and bullied the OP, you're denigrating every other poster because obviously you must be right and we're all idiots but you haven't done what you said we have to do..give her specific advice as to how to address her ex's issue. Please do...that would be really helpful. Instead of telling her she needs to change him but not how, please do give her that last vital piece of the puzzle.

Rhaenys, read my previous posts. I'm nothing if not advice. And yes, I've called out previous posters, not all of them, but the ones I did, offered not helpful support. They sympathised with the OP's plight, but they offered no substantive support.

And I did address his lateness in a post directly to the OP. I told her that he didn't value her time or that of the children's. If she wanted to get through to him he must learn to value these things.

Instead of hating on me, go read what is right in front of you. I'm not your Google. Do your own research.

Providing empathy and shared experience is a form of talking therapy. What do you think AA is? You are totally mistaken if you think that is not a form of support. You might not agree, but you don’t have to, it’s not about you.

HOW does she get through to him?

How is she supposed to make him value these things?

Your attempt to make this look like I am making this about me is laughable.

You can call it what you want, but an endless list of women having the same issues as the OP isn't support, it's shackling her to your miseries. Another victim to share in your endless complaint carousel. You all are keeping her down because you haven't been able to escape your own problems. If you all are to be miserable it's best to not be alone, right?

I, on the other hand, have attempted to navigate her out of that hellscape of this BS and avoid your soul draining "therapy". Action gets results, not self-induced flagulation.

Why have you concluded I’m miserable? I’m happily married to the father of my children. I chimed in earlier on in the thread to say Mothers could be shit too and then hung around to rebut your personal attacks and delusions of your own grandeur.

OP,

You can continue down this rabbit hole that these other women are happily digging for you. It does feel good and you will enjoy theit company. But at the bottom is just more questions, more negative acknowledgments, and no usable solutions. But there will be a whole new group of "friends" who will be happy to share in your misery. Feed off of your anguish.

I've offered you solid sound advice that does work. It might not for you, and in that, I hope I'm wrong. I hope you find a solution that will get your ex to grow up and see the value in your words and in his children.

My attempts to reach you will either work, or they won't. But know that you and your ex are so not important in all of this compared to the welfare of your children. They are why I've faced this barrage of feminine aggression and obliviousness. Think of me what you will, but if my advice can help your children, then you have to acknowledge that it's worth trying. If you want to understand men, then take the time to understand us.

Good luck and I wish you the absolute best.

Still waiting for your specific advice on how she addresses his lateness? @Mandemikc

You are a disgustingly rude, misogynistic, conceited, arrogant, belittling bell-end of a "man". The way you are talking down to @Bittwrsweet shows us exactly why your ex behaved in the way you say she did. Every single one of your responses have made me feel queasy.

How can you offer me solid advice when you rolled over and just accepted to not be part of your children’s life. Sorry pal but I prefer the way I do things

@Mandemikc how is him being late for contact not her business? How is a new gf being confusing and quickly foisted on .to her children not her business? How is his failure to call not her business when in all these cases she is the one that will have to answer their questions and heal their hurts? Can you really not see that?

You need to make him have them 50 50 then. Overnights x 2 nights a week including a weekday at least and dropping them off to school
If he only babysitting one night a week he has no need to be involved does he?

But if they with a parent no need to be checking i every day is there?

How do you "make" that happen? Just drop them and drive off? The simple answer is that you can't enforce anyone's parenting and if they are that against stepping up it would be the children who suffered from being left with a lazy, neglectful, selfish adult.

YES, girl!

He’s conveniently skimmed over that.

It's obvious who shows up.

To be a good parent, the number one thing is showing up. That's the entry level.

Anyone who doesn't show up has no business giving parenting advice to those of us who do.

Wonder how many World Book Day costumes he's sorted 🤔?