To wonder how anybody can call this parenting?

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So, my ex and I split up a year ago, granted he has the kids one night a week. However, for the time I am with the kids, not one phone call, no involvement with afterschool activities, admin etc, no phone calls. How is it even possible that you can call yourself a parent when you can go a full week without even speaking to your kids and have no involvement in anything that they do. I as a mum could not do that, nothing would be done, it annoys me that he thinks he is a good dad.

@Mandemikc Funny you have referred to me as “Princess” an incredibly loaded, misogynistic term which you’ve used in an attempt to belittle me, yet in the same post, accused me of rejecting your advise on the basis of you being a man… Hypocrite much?

Ironically prior to this exchange with you, I’ve defended fathers and pointed out mothers can also be shitty parents too on this thread. You can infer from that that it’s your advice I’ve got an issue with, not your status as a man.

It’s bad advice because it’s illogical and places too much responsibility on OP to control or manipulate the actions of her ex, which isn’t realistic.

I know a small number of women walk away but unfortunately, yes, this not particularly unusual behaviour for men. IME these are the exact same men who complain loudest about their rights being trampled over by their ex.

The person who cares the most will do the most parental care. This is typically women, from observation. I know many amazing dads, and they are men who value their family, their relationships, and the work their partner does to support family life. Sometimes they are the main carer themselves. These relationships tend to last.

All you can do is behave in your children’s best interests, grow a thick skin, and decide what boundaries you put in place to protect yourself and your family emotionally and financially.

In my case, my ExH did not support us, he did not contact the kids for weeks at a time, he moved to another country to be with the OW and to avoid his debts, but we none of us missed him much. I made a big deal every time the kids saw him to make it OK for them. Nowadays, as adults they love him and are polite, but they have thanked me for being the only parent they could rely on.

You are psychotic. Princess is in your name! Want me to call you "Black"? How would that go over?

No, if anything I'm hyper logical. Your scattered sense of right and wrong is as ignorant as your made-up narrative of my posts.

You don't even understand what mysoganistic means. You throw that word around dangerously believing it gives you power and intelligence. It does not. You're use of it is incorrect.

Have a good day. You wronged the hell out of this post. Good for you.

@Mandemikc oh so you're allowed to tell the OP that she's only giving us her narrative and there must be another side and maybe she's a psycho controlling ex, but noone else is allowed to cast doubt on your version of your story. How does that work then? We're supposed to just accept your version verbatim but everyone else's is suss?

You have a low threshold for being “psychotic” 🤔

Uhm, yes. That's how defending an argument goes. You have a side, and you defend it. Adulting anyone?

@Mandemikc why are you arguing? Grown ups have discussions, kids argue.

@Mandemikc so if the op defends her version and maintains that she is not the problem then you'll accept that? Or just continue to assume there must be another angle? Cos if we're playing that game I bet we could have loads of fun guessing what your ex might say about you and your parenting. And the same goes for all of us. But it would all be baseless speculation so completely pointless.

An internet forum is not a court..people post their version and we interact with it as we choose ..but if you're going to automatically assume the truth is far opposed to that given, then we're just writing fiction. This has totally hijacked the OP, (apologies). Her original question was does her ex's approach look like a reasonable definition of parenting. The vast majority agree with both her and each other that it doesn't and that he have witnessed very similar approaches in many other male exes. . You seem to be disagreeing with us on some generic principle of "poor misunderstood men who need to be given time or taught how to parent". Most of us who were left quite literally holding the babies are not inclined to be sympathetic to that.

I agree so why has OP not had a grown up discussion about her expectations for her ex to ring her every week to be passed to the children…. But no grown up communication has happened she just bitches about him on an anonymous forum for other bitter exes to chime in and tell her how awful her ex is 👏

She's not hee ex-husbands mother is she? Why does she need to teach him how to parent?

Sorry what are you trying to say? Who’s not ‘hee’?

Typo - should have said 'her'. It's not up to the OP to set parenting expectations for her ex. He should do that for himself.

@PixieTales how do you know she hasn't? Do you not think it's actually quite likely she's asked or suggested things the dad could do to be more present? Why is it on her to make this happen? Where is the dad's agency?

Such a male privilege isn’t it to abandon your children then be indulged with notions you might be struggling? All whilst the Mother, might be literally breaking down but has no option but to continue to care for her children.

And that someone is a good dad if they see them 4 nights a month and get to ringfence over 80% of their pay for their own use. My ex pays CMS but it doesn't come close to half of costs incurred. Even excluding childcare, as children grow and clothes, shoes, hobbies, food, allowances etc increase, the idea that I could put 20% of my wage toward that and have the rest myself is laughable. But he's a "good dad" because at least he does that 🙄. Every birthday he asks me for ideas of what to get them. Pathetic.

This has become very bitter, I have told him copious amounts of times but he never changes.

Thanks for hanging in on the thread OP. Ice been doing this for ten years now and my only advice really is to try and just accept that the most you can do is halfway. Make the kids available, send him a link to the school Comms app and be relentlessly neutral and calm. The rest is up to him.

It's called an "argument", it's not arguing. In a debate or a discussion sides of a disagreement are referred to as "arguments".

Argument - noun: A reason or set of reasons given in support of an idea, actions, or theory.

Are you now arguing an argument is distinctly different from arguing 😂

🤣🤣🤣 maybe?

It’s the weekend, have a day off 🫢

No it doesn’t seem like OP has had an adult conversation with her ex and suggested he rings her weekly to speak to the children.

It seems OP is very bitter about the fact her ex has moved on and has a new GF and they go on holidays and enjoy their lives.

Even if he did start phoning weekly I imagine she would take issue with something else he does or doesn’t do…it happens all the time unfortunately.

It doesn’t matter how I feel about all that. It doesn’t change the fact that he is poorly

You probably both did similar amounts before the split! This is much better for your kids that the dads who know very little about their kids yet still fight for 5050 to avoid maintenance and then get their gfs or mums to do the school pick ups and laundry and bedtimes on their nights.
Spend some of the maintenance money if you get it on things that will make your life easier

I tried this and he said he wouldn't spend his precious time with our son traipsing around shops