To wonder how anybody can call this parenting?

[Bittwrsweet]

So, my ex and I split up a year ago, granted he has the kids one night a week. However, for the time I am with the kids, not one phone call, no involvement with afterschool activities, admin etc, no phone calls. How is it even possible that you can call yourself a parent when you can go a full week without even speaking to your kids and have no involvement in anything that they do. I as a mum could not do that, nothing would be done, it annoys me that he thinks he is a good dad.

I would so much rather have maintenance and he leaves me in peace, then 5050 awful schedule for the child and controlling and nit picking about every thing the kids sign up to etc.

@PixieTales surely it's on dad to be proactive about suggesting phone call contact and a schedule of timings that it would work and ask op to facilitate it, not on op to initiate and ask him to do when she already does literally every other big of admin for those kids

Ffs.

Perhaps it is the way you 'told him'?

Perhaps he thought it was 'nagging'?

Really? This is a dad not communicating with his children and you're going to excuse that and blame the mum for "nagging" him to speak to his kids? What decent parent fails to do that just to spite the ex?

Not to open old wounds Rhaeny, but as stated before, we have absolutely zero ideas how the OP is talking to her ex. Not blaming the OP for anything, but yes, she could be nagging or berating or a host of other unsavoury styles of comms. If we take the smallest of assumptions and consider the "facts" before us, the OP has been engaging with her ex, but how? Obviously continuous requests to her ex are not receiving the desired effects. Is the OP repeating her requests the same way? Is she trying different was of communicating? Is she bringing up other subjects, like the new girlfriend introduction to the children after only 2 weeks, as an example? For men, bringing up off-topic subjects are a real nogo. Men want to stay on point, even if they aren't ready to have the grownup conversations. OP needs to stick to only one subject and work that before other topics are included. They can be discussed during the same conversation, just not at the same time. Baby step the man into compliance.

We need to advise the OP on how to handle her ex and the situation, not assume she's doing everything correctly. We don't need to assume anything about her to offer her good, solid, advice that would provide her the best opportunity for success.

This is not a brag but it is a lot closer to what should be happening.

We share dc 50/50 so no child support

we keep each other up to date about anything the other needs to know

We both have clothes, school uniform etc for them
We both have swimming kit for them
when we swap over they go with devices, shoes and coats

At one time we both had a pair of wellies for them because we always needed them when with the other parent.
If either of us needs to change days, we do it if we can, my mum will step in .

its not perfect but if I tell him what dc need, he buys it ie can you get them some new trainers as he doesn’t notice when needed
I do all medical and school appointments for ND dc because he is also ND and doesn’t ask questions, remember what was said enough to relay it or challenge anyone. I’m fine with this as I can’t delegate it to him but if I give him an instruction he does it

he was a shit DH but he’s not bad as an EXH, that said we’re still arguing about money from the divorce

Yes - ask nicely. Just like after you give birth the midwives have to ask in a very specific manner, tailored especially for you, if they fail to do so you can decline to parent your kids and the custody fairy swoops in until they’ve practiced and asked again to your satisfaction.

@Mandemikc I do understand what you're getting at but it's completely irrelevant how she is talking to him. His failure to be in touch with his kids is HIS. Unless she was refusing to answer the phone or blocking his calls or preventing the kids from talking to him, this is 100% on him. The whole point of the OP is that she wants him to be better dad so it seems unlikely that she is doing any of those things.

My ex is abrupt with me, despite it being ten years since he pissed off with OW. If you were to go through our messages, mine start with "hi". His start with "why is x..." I'll pass pleasantries on handover about traffic, weather, etc. He can barely meet my eye. The kids when younger would have loved us to have an ice cream together on their birthday and I suggested it but he has never agreed. I get in ok with his now wife actually and we're fine, but it is issue that prevents the kids from having both their parents at significant events. This is on him. The OPs ex, if he is holding aloof from his kids, is a crap dad and it is HIS FAULT. No one else. There really isn't anything the op can do other than what she already is doing. This thread is reassuring her that she's not alone, sadly. Any man who can only parent by being babied and cajoled into it is not worth the name Dad.

Seriously? Does he also need a breakdown on how to speak to me as I am a woman? I don’t think so

It’s like this morning for example, he hadn’t seen them for a week and was late picking them up. If it was me I would have been dying to see them and most likely be early

He is late every single week, he is so unreliable

He then says I have mental health issues as I cannot deal with lateness. He said he is also glad he doesn’t have to deal with me anymore as I am a nightmare. That’s fine

@Bittwrsweet you're a nightmare because you aren't letting him just rock up when he feels like it. Please just try and grey rock it. Mine are teens now and do see their dad but they know who is really the one who has been there

He said I have mental health issues because I can’t handle lateness. He is just an arse to be honest

If you are angry with how he talks to you, then yes, he does need a breakdown. You can be as angry as you like, but it won't make him compliant. Stop being upset that he isn't the man you want him to be. Remember, he owes you absolutely nothing. If you truly want him to be a better dad, and you cannot find a way for him to be that dad, then you either change how you deal with him, or you let it go and you do you.

But this continued frustration at repeating the same thing over and over just to get the same results is obviously not working.

Either you put in the time and work on him more and vent your frustrations to the world less, or you let it go.

Make the decision, is he and your children's relationship worth it? If so, then you change how you handle that man. I'm not saying be his foot stool. I'm saying stop shouting into the wind.

And yes, before you respond, it IS your responsibility to make these decisions. If the man is worth all this anger and frustration, then he's obviously worth your time.

He can't compartmentalize you so he takes things about you he doesn't like and makes those qualities everything that you are. It's unfair to you.

He could have valid reasons why he doesn't like you, but that isn't an excuse to act like everything about you is horrible. Don't entertain that sort of stupid. Acknowledge any faults you might have. Really, lean into your failings, it makes you stronger. Then you can work it n them. But, when he points them out, shut him down. Every time he turns the conversation towards you instead of keeping it on him, where it belongs, you move him back to the center of the lane. Keep the conversation on target.

Her responses to him are absolutely relevant. She is on here BECAUSE of their inability to work together. His failure to be in touch with his children is THEIR problem, not just his. It's not fair, but being a parent rarely is.

She can want him to be the king of England but if she can't get through to him she's pounding sand.

I am absolutely not denying he is probably abrupt and acidic to her, but she knows this. Don't think you can walk up to a tiger and pet it like a kitty cat. It will bite your arm off. You have to acknowledge the animal in front of you and deal with THAT, not the one on your head. The man the OP wants her husband to be doesn't exist, period. If she wants that imaginary version of him to exist, she needs to do the work to create it. This is absolutely necessary. She must do the work to create that good father because he doesn't seem to see the value in it yet.

In the end, she has enough to do single parenting their kids. He is an adult same as her. I highly doubt he will be receptive to any sort of "handling" that will make him better the father these kids need. Being repeatedly late for pick up is just shit and inexcusable. Let's take that specific example. How should she handle that @Mandemikc? What should she say or do to improve that specific issue?

There is just no reasoning with him, he honestly sees nothing wrong in being late and then says I have mental health issues and that he is glad he doesn’t have to deal with me on a regular basis anymore, not more than I am he isn’t, living with him and him being so illusive was a nightmare.

Some people are just a different species.

My soon to be ex has said our marriage is more important than our children. When I said I wanted him to have a close relationship with them, he said what's the point and that he might as well move across the country if I'm not with him. Our children are beautiful, wonderful and love him a lot (sadly). I knew he was horrible but not this vile. Thank goodness I am leaving him!

You continue to deny truth and instead scream at the storm hoping that the man in your head appears in front of you and magically super parents your children. He will not. You need to grow up and deal with this real man in the this real world. You are not being productive, you are reaching for affirmations instead of solutions. Go ahead, deny everything I've suggested. But it is to your detriment. Stop being a child, deal with the real life situation you have, and not the one you wish you had.

This man is not changing. Your current solution is crap and it isn't working. Either YOU change, or give up. Stop screaming that it isn't fair. You're a parent, life isn't fair. Either put on your big girl pants and change your ways or move on. Adapt and overcome or go back into a hole and rid the world of your continuous bleating.

I sound harsh, but what I am saying is far less harsh than what you are doing to yourself. You either deserve better, so do better, or you deserve exactly what you are getting. The choice is yours.

What is it exactly that I am getting? This is nothing to do with me. I don’t care what he does with his life, the only people this affects is the kids. I’m quite happy now if I’m honest, I just don’t understand it, I’m not too fussed about changing it that’s down to him.

Hold on. You do care. You comment about how he is late, you comment that he doesn't call, you comment about the women he introduced to your children. You are nothing but up in his business. You aren't happy because you are here dumping your heartache onto the world. You are "fussed" because you are here.

Again, you can be all passive and resist-free in these replies, but your other posts say the exact opposite.

Bittwrsweet, you are being extremely erratic and emotional. Yes, a man called a woman emotional, and the world is still turning. But the evidence in all 8 pages of response after response from you, myself, and others says otherwise. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. Either you are fine or you are not.

Which is it?

look at your first paragraph and figure out which of those affect me, none! I care because it affects the kids