To wonder how anybody can call this parenting?

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So, my ex and I split up a year ago, granted he has the kids one night a week. However, for the time I am with the kids, not one phone call, no involvement with afterschool activities, admin etc, no phone calls. How is it even possible that you can call yourself a parent when you can go a full week without even speaking to your kids and have no involvement in anything that they do. I as a mum could not do that, nothing would be done, it annoys me that he thinks he is a good dad.

I think you’re being a bit ridiculous. The kids are 4 and 7 so obviously don’t have phones themselves yet so you’re expecting your ex to phone you every week and ask to speak to the children who likely won’t have anything to say let’s be honest.

He sees them every week, a week is hardly that long. Also why would he get involved in sorting out admin for the times he’s not with them? Most Dads don’t get involved in clubs/admin even when they are aren’t separated (not saying that’s right but it’s the reality) I think you need to let go a bit…..

His mum is the same, she had him at 18 and he was brought up by his gran (no sign of the father). I stupidly thought he would be different, she also moved abroad and has no contact with the kids but that doesn’t bother me really.

Oh yeah of course there are a lot of men who are brilliant!

I just mean that out of all my friends (or in the majority of households I know), it is the women who are making appointments with doctors, dentists etc, sorting out school trips / events / uniforms, keeping a diary of social plans and generally just knowing what's going on day to day...

We are all entitled to our opinion but I massively disagree with this. It’s not fair that everything should fall on one parent.

😂I take it you are new to MN???

On a serious note though, in our household, I am the one who does all the planning, making appointments, keeping track of arrangements and events. But DH takes on a million and one other things that I don't have a clue about (plus cooks dinner every night and washes up!!!) so it works pretty equally.

But yeah I imagine it is hard when you're on own sorting everything and the other parent just picks the kids up for a night or two a week with no other active involvement.

Sadly it's just the way it is a lot of the time with divorced parents. Not saying it's right, just not unusual.

Now this 👆 is an example of setting the bar low....

My son's father has lived five hours away pretty much his entire life. He's 13 now and won't speak to his dad as he feels so let down.
His dad visited once every other week, wouldn't partake in anything that interested our son but all everybody told me was what a great dad he was for making the journey. Every time ds didn't want to visit him, guess who got the blame? Yes me! My own mother repeatedly said it was my responsibility to ensure they had a good relationship. I played along with this for years until I saw a therapist who guided me into the realisation that it was actually dad's responsibility. So, now he doesn't come up at all and my son's in therapy. All my experience of men's role in parenting leads me to believe that they're useless. My own dad was brilliant but he may be a one off!

I’m not setting any bar anywhere I’m just pointing out the reality. This is the norm for all the separated parents I know. Like I said not saying that’s right but it is what it is.

Amazing how many ordinary women men saw fit to be in relationships with and even have children with turn out to be psychos? It really is a head scratcher.

I disagree with your first statement. Most men are barely adequate parents. If their partner replicated their parenting ("matched their energy"), the children would have a miserable time of it. Some men are brilliant parents, but I would put that figure at substantially less than half. Many are "brilliant fathers" apparently, but since you can meet that bar simply by breathing and doing a few McDonald's trips, that's unsurprising 🙄.

Your second statement is a much more accurate reflection of the status quo imo.

The "barely adequate" parents then subdivide into two categories - those who will reluctantly step up if there is no one else to foist the kids onto (because deep down, they do believe that their kids deserve good care and parenting, they'd just prefer it was someone else putting the effort in) and those who are happy to see their kids go without. The first are lazy but not without hope, the second lot are scumbags.

The reason many women are 'better' parents is not because they're intrinsically better at it, it's because there aren't that many who have someone else to foist parenting onto. They know that if they don't do it, it won't get done.

To be fair though you said OP was being ridiculous, she's really not being ridiculous to expect a parent to actually parent.

My ex doesn't bother with the kids outside of his twice monthly visits either. I don't text my kids when they're with him (unless something important/funny comes up they'd want to see - just like I'd text them when their with me if I saw something/had to tell them something), but on their rare overnights, they always text or call me. I don't in anyway force them to, but my eldest just couldn't imagine going to sleep without saying goodnight to me (he's the same when I travel for work - he calls every night).

I think it's weird. It gives them an arms-length relationship that's entirely of his own making.

I'm not adding to my tasks by forcing it though. The rope is entirely dropped here.

While it's shit for your children I think it's actually not that bad for you. Imagine if you had to deal with this absolute bellend questioning every parenting decision you're making?

There was a thread recently where someone's ex wanted to "inspect" their new house and interview their childminder which is incredibly controlling and beyond batshit.

I think communication should be driven by the kids. I won't offer to call my ex when my daughter is with me but if she wants to call for a chat and update on her day or what happened at one of her activities then that's all good and vice versa.

There is a balance between forcing communication for no particular reason and keeping I'm touch. Kids are terrible at talking on the phone as they're constantly "busy".

I raised my son myself no help no child maintenance nothing.
The only time i got to myself was when he went to school.
Tbh i loved it.
From birth until he left home.
His dad had no interest at all and i was not going to run him for it i got on with life.
I never stopped him he just didn't bother.
Aprt from one time he said he would take me to court baby is 22 im still waiting for court papers lol.
We buggered of to thailand when he was 6.
He knows more Thai than English now.

To go a week without not one single responsibility to your children is absolutely tragic. There is no point in being there at all in my opinion, it shows that a week can be done without the other parent so that is the point.

He does pay maintenance though so obviously that makes him a great father.

What is even more amazing is that these poor, courageous men who left their psycho exes are happy to leave the children to be parented by them. Complete worms.

The mind boggles!

When I split with XH he told me he needed at least 6 weeks no contact with the kids so he could focus on himself.

As if he hadn’t been focused on himself the whole time. It did not improve. They check out totally and their mothers make excuses for why, or cover it up for them. My Ex MIL spends lots of time with my kids, all while telling them how much their daddy loves them and occasionally how I’m trying to turn them against him. He’s nowhere to be seen.

It’s infuriating and unjust. Do we ever get over that fact? Maybe not, I still do struggle with it. But for your own sake just let him. Make sure he pays CSA and leave him to his pathetic life. Your child will be far better off being raised by you.

Well it is not really up for you to decide or not you chose to have children with him so he is who he was when you made that choice, now he is the same person and parents his way and you parent your way, it is not a competition

He also keeps swapping his days, every single bank holiday he has swapped but I have told him I am not swapping this one, he just wont pick them up though I bet

Well it isn't old school for you sadly , he isn't contacting because he doesn't care, he probably didn't care when he lived with them either, I don't know why the arrangement is this way but can you push for more contact.

I’ve never understood how men walk away so easily (yes some women do but statistically it’s significantly less). They often seem too go and start a new family with the next woman and the first kids end up down the pecking order as annoying cling ons that are tolerated.

The only good thing is when they grow up and know that you were the one who really cared. My DC barely speak to their Dad now and he wonders why. I could write a book but I just sit back and enjoy my wonderful relationship with my kids whilst his is in tatters and he has no-one to blame but himself. Karma.

I feel for you OP. As a parent I want to know how are they doing at school? What are the into? E.g Thomas the tank engine, who is their best friend? This is what makes us KNOW our children & connect with them. Your kid's will see who he really is once they get older xx