To wonder how anybody can call this parenting?

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So, my ex and I split up a year ago, granted he has the kids one night a week. However, for the time I am with the kids, not one phone call, no involvement with afterschool activities, admin etc, no phone calls. How is it even possible that you can call yourself a parent when you can go a full week without even speaking to your kids and have no involvement in anything that they do. I as a mum could not do that, nothing would be done, it annoys me that he thinks he is a good dad.

This. I see so much of this on here. It turns into man bashing when actually, every woman has a choice who they raise children with.

I'm a step mom, and I saw how hands on my husband was with his kid even though he wasn't with my DSS mom. That was when I knew no matter what happened with us, he'd 100% be there for any kids we brought into our relationship.

It's not all men. It's some men. Just like it's sometimes some women.

The difference is what YOU'RE prepared to put to with

I think it's sad but true that the one thing you have said in your post hits the nail completely on the head and that is 'he’s not interested' which can only lead to the next logical assumption which can only be that he doesn't have any real affection for them as one would naturally lead to the other, if you love someone then interest and involvement are surely a natural progression? 😥🙄
It isn't confined only to absent fathers either, the same casual take it or leave it attitude is shown by my Great-Grandson's Grandad, he is estranged from one of his Daughters and does not have access to her two young Sons which he has often professed sadness and also anger at but his Son's Son who we're Special Guardian's for who has lived with us since he was 3 months old, who he could have as much time with as he wanted gets zero interest, no phone calls, the odd visit now and then and he never enquires how he is doing at school etc unless I volunteer the information or send him photos...he is generous with cash on birthdays and Christmas almost as compensation for the lack of his actual time and interest! 🙄

@moomoo1967 @andweallloveclover men like our exes sicken me. The world is a better place for having our DDs in it - I have to assume that's why the universe created the losers who donated their genetic material to give us our girls.

You have absolutely no information to offer such dangerous advice. What if she's crazy? What if she is leaving out that she isn't being honest about her ex? You can bet there is far more info not provided. You literally have zero information to make such an assessment other than an anonymous story by an anonymous person.

Don't get trapped into supporting things you have no info on.

I could be crazy? I have to admit I was absolutely furious that he introduced our kids to another women 2 weeks after the relationship ended. I don’t stop him from calling them and absolutely encourage he spends time with them. Put it this way, I think I have been quite calm under the circumstances, it’s only him that seems to think I am a psycho so I am pretty confident in that.

I’d love to know why anyone would think you are being unreasonable!

Anybody who contributes to the birth of a child is a parent for what it's worth I grew up living with my mother who probably acted alot more similar to your ex husband - definitely not a good parent but hardly estranged either

So that's your takeaway? Instead of commenting on the enormous amount of conversation starters I layed before you, you want to talk about my choice of words? A debate is ongoing and you want to word police people?

Focus RR. More important things are afoot. This isn't pearl clutching time.

What made you think he would be different?

It’s all about expectations really, isn’t it?
He is not what you expected him to be. But you need to get over that, and stop putting your energy into stressing about how useless he is. Accept it, and just be the best mum you can be for your kids, because they really need you to be!

Good luck x

A bit OT but I do also think a lot of these things are established during the course of the relationship and just continue. My DH’s ex had a clear vision of being a housewife and left her job the moment she found out she was expecting (which wasn’t planned with DH’s agreement either). That would have been fine, but DH’s salary was enough to
support a comfortable life not an extravagant one and it’s the latter she wanted.

In divorce, she still didn’t want to work but also expected DH to pick up more parenting. He couldn’t do both and offered 50:50, with the intention he’d get some childcare help during “his time” but she knew she’d be worse off financially and declined. Me and DH have been together for 10 years and she’s done exactly the same with a new DH and isn’t working.

I’m not saying that’s you OP, I don’t think you’re behaved unreasonably. I do all the wife work in our house and it is frustrating but I do also like to be in control, I’m the organised one. DH is slap dash and hap hazard and it drives me mad when things aren’t orderly.

Just offering another perspective - although I would add my DH has always collected his son for tea etc when he’s finished work early or whatever.

Well, yes, you could be. But I'm not saying you are. If you want more support, then provide more details on your post than your ex is a horrible person.

Also, if you co-parent, he can introduce your children to whomever he wishes. It's his time, his right. If you continue to judge him based on your measurements, AFTER you are no longer his wife, it is YOU that will continue to cause grief between you two. And the children will be affected. He might not be the best at the moment, but we all grow at different rates. Parenting isn't automatic to many. Some need to grow into it.

As a father in a similar situation, let me offer some advice. I have 5 children from the ages of 32 to 14. I have an ex-wife. She kept me from my children in so many ways that I just don't discuss it anymore because it can still hurt, and that was 20 years ago.

Do not think to judge that man. He isn't yours anymore. You focus on your children and you teach THEM how to do right by people. Your ex is not your concern outside of those children. And believe me, there are far worse things out there than a father that isn't around. My partner's ex is so terrible I wake up every morning asking god for strength to handle that man...and I'm an atheist!!!

Be good to your children by focusing on them. Show them you are above everything you think he is. Be the oak, not the storm.

I grew up with a single mother, no father around, ever. She was my oak. A crazy mental case of an oak, but she was mine. And she didn't allow anyone to get to her. She raised me and my brother right.

I love how men are quick to say women stop them from seeing the children, it doesn’t even occur to them that we appreciate the break, I don’t think any woman would willingly shoot herself in the foot. I also believe that for a woman to end a relationship with her child’s father is the hardest thing she can do; she would have done anything to keep the family together.

If she ‘stopped’ you which she legally can’t unless there is a reason (abuse etc) you should have pushed to see them, I know I would have. Women cannot just stop women from seeing their father.

Why on earth is he only having them one day a week? Can’t you insist that increases? If nothing else to give yourself a break and a chance at meeting someone new.

I think this has a lot to do with how we parent. My dad was very involved in our lives, took us to different clubs and activities 7 days a week on top of working full time( mum didn’t drive).
DH’s dad was a narcissistic cheating bullying wife beater who left his mum to raise 6 kids alone.
We have 2 sons and he’s just a very different parent to me.
He struggles to communicate effectively with them but is getting better. Our sons are 18 and 25 and are both very understanding about the impact his upbringing had on him.

Did you really just crap all over my story? Gender flip this and tell me you'd feel the same way. A man denying his ex-wife the right to see her children. Being denied seeing your children shouldn't be an excuse for you to exercise your Mysandry.

And you then comment, "I don't think any woman would willingly shoot themselves in the foot..." Then you've never dated or been married to a woman.

Look, we all have our version of crazy, men and women alike. But don't limit your intelligence by siding with women because you are one. Believe me, my experience tells me, women are as clueless about their own behaviours and habits as men are.

Be kind, stop the sexism.

But a woman cannot in any shape or form
stop her children seeing their father. It’s illegal

And so is refusing to pay child support, but many dad's get away with that. My ex would never be home when we had schedule phone calls. I go pick them up and they aren't there.

So many reasons why this would happen. I was in the military and travel was part of the job. I wasn't about to take my children's mother to court. She was a great mother, just a horrible ex. Sometimes, we are stuck. I bent over backwards satisfying her demands. It wasn't easy.

In the end, she grew up, listened to me that her mother was the toxic one in her life, not me. Once she got her out of the picture, things went far better, not great, but better.

No offence, but your lack of knowledge of the countless scenarios in which people suck, doesn't mean they don't exist. Better to ask questions than deny as false what you don't know.

I agree that it's tragic. I'm sure children are aware how little they mean to this kind of parent. Sadly it's not uncommon.

Some people - both men and women - shouldn't have kids. If your heart isn't in it and you can't give them proper love and attention I don't think you should reproduce.

I am not judging you by the way but I would have gone to the ends of the earth if it was me. I would have gone to court. Everybody is different.

If you’re getting defensive over my opinion does that mean you could have done more and you feel bad? Regardless, you are not in the same position as me, luckily I want my kids to have a relationship with their father.

A great mother that refused to let the biological father see them out of spite for her knowing it would benefit their life?…..

I appreciate that. And if my life wasn't on wheels, I would have. In my case, again, the military. If I went to court then in a year was stationed overseas, the court case would have been a big waste of time and money for nothing.

But in the end, cooler heads prevailed and she realized she was taking bad advice from her mother, who didn't like the idea of me taking her daughter overseas and away from her. She was spreading evils to my ex and our children.

I guess to connect our back and forth to this thread, everyone has a different story. Even in a relationship like the OP and her ex, information might be missing that could completely change the situation. I suggest she does her best to talk to him as an equal, and not an ex. Clean the slate and think, "Team Children", for everyone's sake. Be patient with the man, he might not be grown up and is fearful of child rearing. It's a fault, but not a sin. Hell, she might get a very compliant ex out of the deal if she can reach him using his language.