To wonder how anybody can call this parenting?

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So, my ex and I split up a year ago, granted he has the kids one night a week. However, for the time I am with the kids, not one phone call, no involvement with afterschool activities, admin etc, no phone calls. How is it even possible that you can call yourself a parent when you can go a full week without even speaking to your kids and have no involvement in anything that they do. I as a mum could not do that, nothing would be done, it annoys me that he thinks he is a good dad.

They can though OP. Unless you have money to spend on legals there is no real recourse. If you do have money to throw at legals by the time it’s all resolved there’s significant damage to the parent child relationship. I had a friend who spent £30k getting access to their kids and it took 3 years to resume a settled custody routine. By which point his eldest had lost interest in her parents anyway. I know someone who simply didn’t have the money to fight it and has had no contact for years.

Some women are well supported by other family and have other means to get a break than the kids father.

Im not sticking up for dead beat dads but there’s good and bad parents of both sexes.

I think my situation mirrors yours, my ex hasn't seen our 2 kids since Jan. Not even been in touch to see how they are. It's our eldest's birthday in 3 weeks, lets see if he crawls out of the woodwork for that. My brother on the other hand, has a 3 year old, separated from his ex when his daughter was just 6 months. He has her 3 times a week, takes her on holiday abroad once a year, weekends away to the coast, takes her for haircuts, doctors appts - anything. His ex remarried but they're on great terms and co-parent brilliantly. So it's not all men, we just must be the unlucky ones!

@Mandemikc I'm not really interested in discussing anything with someone who thinks a person sharing their emotional issues on a forum designed for that is "blabbing their gobs". You seem determined to pick holes in the OPs story and anyone else who doesn't acknowledge that there are obviously good and bad examples on all sides of these scenarios. The fact that 90/% of single parents are women and that more than 90% of unpaid CMS is owed from males to females is somewhat telling. Of course there are always going to be exceptions and if you're one of them then good on you, but don't you dare come on here and extrapolate from your experience to undermine and slag off women who are holding the fort and actually putting their kids first. ..not introducing them to new partners within weeks. Kids don't have time for their useless dads to "learn and grow". They need them to step up from day one....like most mums do.

Er, actually you don't know what will happen if you split up.

My husband was a phenomenal dad, raised my eldest and treated her like his own. He constantly marvelled at the fact that her dad could just see her once a week and not be involved outside of that. Fast forward to him having an affair in lockdown and walking out without a backward glance. Absolutely nobody in my life saw that coming.

Is this for real? If he lays you child support maybe he expects you to cover the admin as well, rather than offloading it back to him

She isn't his secretary. He's not paying her to do his admin, he's a father who is required to pay maintenance so his children can afford to exist.

😂😂😂😂

Rather obviously, it’s nothing to do with being his secretary. The admin is for the children, if she basically has them full time she’s responsible for the admin. She can’t have the time and then expect him to help out with the boring stuff. Particularly if she’s prevented him from having more time with them.

WOW, just wow

@Mandemikc with respect if my job didn’t work for my children I’d change jobs. Being in the military and seperated is a nightmare. My BIL is going through that now. You cannot possibly expect the other parents to trail around after you as you move about. Expecting the kids to keep moving schools etc and away from their support networks. It’s not consistent with single parenting and you made a choice to stay.

Boring stuff! Do you know how tedious looking after children constantly can be! Making their tea, bathing them, taking them to school etc, boring stuff 🫣

For most (loving) parents, they want to be involved with all aspects of their children's lives. You said he pays maintenance so doesn't expect you to offload the admin to him. Those two things have no correlation whatsoever. Maintenance is to cover the living costs of the children, not to pay for the mums time to arrange the 'admin'.

Regardless, the OP wasn't expecting him to make doctors appointments and apply for passports. She was talking about him never calling the children or being involved with hobbies. How would you suggest she facilitates that on his behalf? Call from another room and put on a deep voice maybe? Watch football matches (for example) dressed as him one week, so his child thinks he's been to watch? Get a grip. Thinking that children only exist once a week and that paying maintenance absolves you of any other emotional relationship outside of that is pure stupidity.

Rather obviously, he isn't doing as much as he can to make his children feel loved.

Read my posts, then read what you just said. Make it make sense please. What you've said in no way were valid responses to what I've said or intimated.

@Mandemikc

You have done. You’ve spoken about not being in a position to take your children’s mother to court because of the nature of your job.

I said you made a choice and it’s still as logical an assertion now as it was before.

You can't quote percentages on child custody when courts are unanimously slanted in the mother's favour. And yes, why not demand a level playing field with discussing proper parenting techniques?

Slagging off? This woman is probably a first time mother and divorcee. She NEEDS our wisdom and experience, and not just a rage against the man storm. The posts that affirm her story do nothing to help her, it only agrees with her. That's not support, it's not making her be better or give her greater insight into how to change her situation. I'm attempting to do that. I don't want to hug her, I want to help her.

And as for what children need, they don't need loving parents more than they need mature ones. Parents must first get their problems sorted if they ever think they'll raise children properly.

The OP needs tried and true examples on how to fix this. She needs wisdom, not affirmations.

Women, stop thinking hugs and hearts and "yeah, my man sucks too" is going to fix anything. Those affirmations might make you feel better, but you'll feel better in the exact same spot where you are right now.

The OP needs tried and true examples on how to fix this.

OP is not empowered to change her exes behaviour.

There are those who step up and then there are those who, well, don't...

The empty vessel bangs the loudest.

We all know who's asking round at the school gates to find Max's lost jumper or bringing Sam to the party at the weekend with his younger siblings in tow because the other parent won't get out of bed. Or that Tara won't be able to come because she's with her other parent that weekend who can't be arsed to take her anywhere. Or that Isla's mum could do with any uniform going spare because it never comes back from the other house. We all know.

I disagree. I also do 50/50 with a 5 night longest break. I have never called them or contacted them when they are with their dad. If they want to contact me, then fine. It’s actually better I think as otherwise they think about it and could get upset.

I would be mad if my ex was constantly calling me to speak to them.

I don’t expect constant phone calls, just maybe once a week, hi son, how was football, he would love that

@Mandemikc I think I've seen one "hugs" post. The rest have mostly said they experience similar because one of the most powerful things you can have is empathy..why do you think support groups exist for people who have the same issue? Knowing that her ex isn't an exception and that yes, his approach to "parenting" I'd both shit and common is reassuring because it tells her she's not being wildly unreasonable to expect better. You said your kids are older? Courts now are far far more keen to award 50/50 if asked for. Many many women, including me would be delighted to facilitate that, but guess what.. the dads don't want it. They just don't. I'm sorry that doesn't fit your narrative but it's true. And yes, exceptions etc ..I know one man who had his basically full time because the mum always was the less engaged parent and is now rarely about. But the general trend is there and in 2025 thats not due to outdated court procedures.

Absolutely..my ex has v little clue what my kids do on what days and only because I tell him..he never asks.

Totally perplexed @Mandemikc as to what practical advise you’ve actually offered? Nobody can make OP’s ex step up and change his behaviour, realistically OP can only work on herself, accepting it and building her own life.

That's a good question. I've suggested that instead of trying to control him or demand things from him, as she is not his wife, that she tries to figure out why he is behaving this way. He could be having issues that she isn't aware of. Maybe he isn't prepared for single fatherhood and could use some support. Things like that.

Ah right ladies, it's ok @Mandemikc has come to explain to us all about how to do single parenting better. Thank goodness. So far he's told us we're just pointlessly blabbing, offering support instead of advice and that the OP is probably actually a psycho. Oh and (though this may have been another poster to be fair) that we should let hapless men take their time (until the children grow up presumably) to find their way. 🙄. This is actually a supportive site..that doesn't always mean agreeing but when a poster has a situation like this actually it is way too easy to agree.

@Mandemikc oh I understand. So OP, in addition to navigating her own life as a single parent to two young children, which is incredibly mentally demanding, should also now offer to bear the mental burden of her ex and help him navigate that? Whilst he’s on holiday and sunning himself with his new GF?

I am all for fathers rights - but your posts show your naivety of what it actually is to raise young children. Which by your own admission, despite being a parent, you didn’t actually do. Yet you want to tell OP how she can not only do it herself but also find the strength to support her OH.

Sensible advise would be to set her own boundaries and navigate life by herself, not let her exes actions impact her mood and emotions.

Do the children talk about him, ask about him, want to phone him?