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Original poster

To think I’ve got myself into the worst mess ever??? Pregnancy related

487 replies

MaddieInAmess · 07/05/2025 17:00

40 year old mum to twins aged 13

I left ExH last spring

He is a good man and great dad to DS - struggles with DD who is ASD and he suspects he is too

Emotionally he wasn’t very available and a general lack of affection made it feel difficult for me to be intimate sexually

DS was devastated ( and still is ) and hasn’t adjusted at all
DD says it’s less awkward without him here

Anyway a few months after the split I met someone at a work conference and we began dating - very causally as he lives a 3 hour round trip away and has his own DD aged 16 full time and 2 younger ones every second weekend

No kids involved with us / each other

Recently I have been doubting my decision to split with ExH - I’m not sure how much of this is guilt as he is also really not coping and constantly asking to come home and seeing DS broken hearted every day is killing me

I met him last week for coffee and ended up crying and saying I think I had made a mistake - he wanted to move back home that day but I said we needed to take it slowly because of the children and proceeded to cut the other guy off, explaining logistically it’s just too hard with the distance ( he says he would move areas once his DD is 18 but my DS would 100% move out if anyone moved in ) and that I couldn’t cope with the guilt of breaking up my family.

After a few days I began to miss him so much I felt unwell so got back in contact and we are meant to be meeting tomorrow evening to talk but this morning I felt really weird, took a test and it’s positive.

I am on the pill and have been for 12 years so how this has happened I don’t know.

What a mess 😢

OP posts:
tryingtobesogood · 07/05/2025 17:05

You know, and I say this with absolute kindness and no judgement, you don’t have to go through with the pregnancy. You have options. Maybe take a breath and think about what is right for you. It’s ok to put yourself first.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 07/05/2025 17:08

So is it ex boyfriends or ex DHs?

LittleMissNumber · 07/05/2025 17:11

I think you need some time to yourself away from either man. Take some time to then think about if you would like to continue with the pregnancy or not.

As for your son, yes I'm sure he is upset his dad moved out but do not be emotionally manipulated into getting back with his dad just to make him happy.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 07/05/2025 17:13

Once of the first symptoms of pregnancy can be being incredibly emotional. So you could have been driven by hormones in the first place to think you'd made a mistake, especially if he's been badgering on at you to take him back all this time. And you did end the marriage a year ago for very good reasons, whether he likes them or not.

It could be a good decision to remain single at present, whatever you decide regarding the pregnancy test.

FamBae · 07/05/2025 17:13

This 100%
I would also add think about the reasons you ended the relationship with DH, emotionally detached people rarely change. Could DS spend more time with his dad.
I think you need time alone to think about what you want.
Sorry forgot to add quote, this was in response to tryingtobesogoods post.

Comedycook · 07/05/2025 17:14

Honestly this is as complicated as you want to be. You don't have to continue with the pregnancy. You don't have to be with either of the men in your life at the moment either. Take some time to think about what you want.

sesquipedalian · 07/05/2025 17:17

OP, I think you need to take time on your own and decide what YOU want to do. Don’t be pressured or guilted into doing anything before you’ve thought it through and are sure that it’s the right decision for YOU.

MyUmberSeal · 07/05/2025 17:22

tryingtobesogood · 07/05/2025 17:05

You know, and I say this with absolute kindness and no judgement, you don’t have to go through with the pregnancy. You have options. Maybe take a breath and think about what is right for you. It’s ok to put yourself first.

Could not agree more. Continuing with the pregnancy does not need to be the default. Think of yourself. It will work out either way.

Delphiniumandlupins · 07/05/2025 17:26

Separate out all the issues. You shouldn't get back with your ex just to make him or your DS feel better. The new relationship may, or may not, work out. You do not have to continue with an unplanned pregnancy. One decision at a time.

Bestfadeplans · 07/05/2025 17:26

I'm confused. Are you pregnant with the bf and wanting to get back with the ex, pregnant by the husband and wanting to get back with bf or pregnant and wanting to be single?

Do you want this baby? Decide that first. Don't decide which man you want and base your decision around that.

Snorlaxo · 07/05/2025 17:28

You need to sit down and remind yourself of why you broke up with ex. Forget the children and the new man etc- write down how you felt and what he did, said (or didn’t say or do) which led to your decision. Although you don’t say so explicitly, it sounds like you want to go back to him for ds and nostalgia’s sake and that’s no way for you to live.

I think that it would be a massive mistake to get back with ex because you feel sorry for ds. I think that you need to be brave and consider the possibility of ds living with ex and visiting you to see if that helps him settle better. Also you were right to apply the brakes when ex suggested moving back in that day, listen to your gut as it’s clearly trying to protect you for making the same mistake twice.

Remember that being with neither man is a legitimate option and after your long marriage, could be a positive way for you to rediscover yourself.

FortyElephants · 07/05/2025 17:29

The father is your newer relationship?
It doesn't sound like you actually want to get back with H? Do you? How do you think it will be different?
You don't have to keep this pregnancy, but if you do, you must not let either of these men move in with you. Your kids will have a lot to adjust to without their dad/a new man sharing their home.

Bologneselove · 07/05/2025 17:38

I couldn’t understand which one is the baby’s father either. It’s unclear who the poster misses as she refers to her ex and new man.

AubernFable · 07/05/2025 17:40

I would consider the relationship with the ExH a non option anyway, because of the relationship you described with your DD. You can’t have a man around, even their own father, that treats your children differently especially because she knows and feels it. DS had a normal reaction and will eventually move on but I wouldn’t put DD back in that position.

ginasevern · 07/05/2025 17:46

Sorry OP but I find your post confusing. Who did you miss (DH or the new man) and whose baby is it? Either way, you don't have to go through with the pregnancy and quite frankly it really doesn't sound as though it's a particularly good idea.

YellowOrangePink · 07/05/2025 17:51

OP might actually not want to end the pregnancy.

Original poster
MaddieInAmess · 07/05/2025 17:54

I’m so sorry
I was writing this through tears so haven’t explained very well

The baby is the new mans ( nearly a year relationship but hasn’t consisted of us meeting each other’s children or children meeting etc ) - This was my call due to the recent split with ExH and how bad DS was coping with it all

DS can’t live with his dad - dad is living with his mother in a spare room as financially can’t afford to rent ( our house was also rented so no equity or anything )

It’s ExH I have been missing recently - or think I have but I’m not sure if it’s lonliness as I only get to see new nan 2/3 evenings a week when my kids are with their dad to avoid any crossover, guilt or genuine love for ExH

I have wanted a third baby for a long time but ExH said logically it didn’t work - room etc until we split then he was all for it but there’s no confusion as I haven’t been intimate with ExH since last January!

OP posts:
Original poster
MaddieInAmess · 07/05/2025 17:55

YellowOrangePink · 07/05/2025 17:51

OP might actually not want to end the pregnancy.

I don’t think I could end the pregnancy regardless of anything else

Im almost 41 - my chances of another pregnancy may be low

OP posts:
Summerflowers6 · 07/05/2025 18:00

How far along are you .
Personally,I'd tell them both as soon as possible
Before it goes any further with either of them .
You don't have to rush in to making any decisions,see how things play out
If your husband really loves you ,he will understand and still want you back with the baby .
You have your own home ,your a grown woman,you've done nothing wrong
Be happy ,your having that third child you wanted 😊

DodgersJammyAndOtherwise · 07/05/2025 18:02

You have to take out the background noise and think about the personalities of the two men involved, if you want to be with one of them at all.

In the event you want to be with one of these men, you have to acknowledge that your ex had limitations and any emotion you are feeling regarding loneliness is not a reason to take him back.

What about having a relationship with the new man but keeping the baby and separate homes, at least for now and see how you feel in a year or so.

Making decisions right now, unless you can look at it all in a detached way, may not be a great idea.

The new man sounds a better bet quite honestly but it depends on his personality. Ex is bound to want to 'come home'. He's living a half life with his mother rather than making his own way in the world. I would struggle to have respect for him as he has just moved back home.

Original poster
MaddieInAmess · 07/05/2025 18:06

DodgersJammyAndOtherwise · 07/05/2025 18:02

You have to take out the background noise and think about the personalities of the two men involved, if you want to be with one of them at all.

In the event you want to be with one of these men, you have to acknowledge that your ex had limitations and any emotion you are feeling regarding loneliness is not a reason to take him back.

What about having a relationship with the new man but keeping the baby and separate homes, at least for now and see how you feel in a year or so.

Making decisions right now, unless you can look at it all in a detached way, may not be a great idea.

The new man sounds a better bet quite honestly but it depends on his personality. Ex is bound to want to 'come home'. He's living a half life with his mother rather than making his own way in the world. I would struggle to have respect for him as he has just moved back home.

I agree with a lot of what you say but ExH physically can’t afford to rent - he’s on a minimum paid job after being made redundant last year so he doesn’t have much choice but to live with his mum at the minute especially to stay not too far from the twins

This is the thing - new man isn’t able to move area for nearly 3 years anyway as he has his DD full time ( she has no contact with her mum ) so needs to see her through college / driving etc before he can leave her so the baby would be 2 and living with me and my then 15 year olds

Im petrified my son will hate me even more

He doesn’t know anything about the new man as I’ve kept it all away from them

OP posts:
Jadorelabrador · 07/05/2025 18:10

In the nicest possible way a pregnancy would be a potential disaster for everyone - you can choose to terminate and you don’t need to inform either man to do this.

I Suggest marriage counselling with the ex - to explore the issues and if change is possible and boundaries for at least 6 months he does not move back it you explore how a future might look.

cut The other man off

6 month of counselling for yourself to work out what you want

Summerflowers6 · 07/05/2025 18:11

She's already said she wants the baby

ToKittyornottoKitty · 07/05/2025 18:13

Is keeping the pregnancy 100% decided thing OP? Or by ‘don’t think I could’ are you just worried about regretting it?

Sauvin · 07/05/2025 18:19

I have to say that in your shoes I would terminate the pregnancy.

It will be very difficult for your DS.

It will be very difficult for the new man, being so far away from his child.

It will be very difficult for your ex DH to accept and may prevent a reconciliation with him, should you want one. And if it doesn’t, you will all have to accept the new man being in your lives, as the father of your child.

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