To think I’ve got myself into the worst mess ever??? Pregnancy related

[MaddieInAmess]

40 year old mum to twins aged 13

I left ExH last spring

He is a good man and great dad to DS - struggles with DD who is ASD and he suspects he is too

Emotionally he wasn’t very available and a general lack of affection made it feel difficult for me to be intimate sexually

DS was devastated ( and still is ) and hasn’t adjusted at all
DD says it’s less awkward without him here

Anyway a few months after the split I met someone at a work conference and we began dating - very causally as he lives a 3 hour round trip away and has his own DD aged 16 full time and 2 younger ones every second weekend

No kids involved with us / each other

Recently I have been doubting my decision to split with ExH - I’m not sure how much of this is guilt as he is also really not coping and constantly asking to come home and seeing DS broken hearted every day is killing me

I met him last week for coffee and ended up crying and saying I think I had made a mistake - he wanted to move back home that day but I said we needed to take it slowly because of the children and proceeded to cut the other guy off, explaining logistically it’s just too hard with the distance ( he says he would move areas once his DD is 18 but my DS would 100% move out if anyone moved in ) and that I couldn’t cope with the guilt of breaking up my family.

After a few days I began to miss him so much I felt unwell so got back in contact and we are meant to be meeting tomorrow evening to talk but this morning I felt really weird, took a test and it’s positive.

I am on the pill and have been for 12 years so how this has happened I don’t know.

What a mess 😢

Plenty of autistic kids have siblings. It’s not a rule that after having an autistic child people can’t have other children.

@MaddieInAmesshow far along are you?

I feel for your situation as on one hand you are pregnant with a baby that you have always wanted. Unfortunately not in the circumstances you had ever imagined.

I guess you know your children best and how they would adjust to the new baby/ situation. Thats the main focus.

If you do decide to have the baby you will be raising the baby alone for at least 3 years, as well as juggling teenagers… but teenagers do grow up and become young adults and soon they will be out of the house living their own life.

Would you have any regrets then?

I was exactly the same shoes as you when I was 42
And I miscarried fairly early on. I’m not wishing that on you but I just wouldn’t get too attached to quickly because I’d never had a miscarriage before. But age is against you.

And whilst I probably would’ve gone ahead.
With everything else that has happened in the last years whilst I could’ve done them with a baby in toe, I’m pretty glad that decision was taken out of my hands.

It would’ve been awful for everybody

Thank you and this is another reason I’m struggling to think clearly as like you say, age isn’t on my side so I don’t feel I can be positive enough about this to disclose to anyone at this stage

Can I ask what you mean by this?

This is only as complicated as you make it.

I say this kindly, but I think you need to put your children’s well being before your own in this situation.

Given your age there's a high possibility this baby will have additional needs. And it will.all be on you. I'd seriously consider all possibilities.

What do you mean?

I hope you find the right way ahead, I'd do what is right for you.

But is another child, with a new man, the right thing for your kids?

mamatoo I was coming on to say exactly the same thing. Please don't prioritize your desire for another child over the needs of your existing children.

I had older children than yours, mine were 18, 16 and 13 and 6 at the time that I was pregnant.
They just needed so much support, you think you can take your foot off the gas a bit when they get to the teenage years but actually I found they needed more.
The 18-year-old was really struggling with her levels and it became all consuming, so I was driving her to tae kwon do three times a week otherwise the child would’ve done nothing but studying sleep and eat.
So that was five until seven, 3 times a week, after completing my day at work.
The 16-year-old when she finally got to Uni the first week she was there she was raped with everything that goes along with that.
And the 13-year-old attempted suicide.
So we had all the camhs meetings, in addition to the usual GCSE stuff.
I might be unusual, but with my other children certainly for the first three months of pregnancy I can’t lift my head off the pillow. I’m that knackered. Just getting through the day Workwise would’ve finished me off.

We were made homeless during Covid which was unlucky but with rentals it could happen to anyone.

At that point, it was bad enough having a cat and a dog. Never mind a little one.
I remember the words of my mother when I was planning number four, the more children you have the more worry you have.
I don’t think that really hit me until there was a potential Number five.
And that’s without all the usual financial strains that comes with having older children.
Student Finance stuffed up my income documents when child one and two were both waiting for their loans to come through. So luckily, because I was back at work full-time I was able to just flick them both a couple of grand each to cover their rent while they waited.
If I’ve had my career hindered by a baby, I might not have been in that position to help them. And they could’ve both lost their student accommodation because there was a queue for it, if they didn’t pay plenty of people were waiting to do so.
I realise mine is a bit of a tale of woe and not the norm. But I couldn’t have predicted all that eight years ago either.

I agree with this - it isn’t a film and everything is going to magically work out. You already have a child struggling - how would you cope with a baby in all this?

I personally wouldn’t be keeping this pregnancy

Gosh I am so sorry for all you’ve been through
This sounds very traumatic for you - I hope you had support and kindness around you through such an ordeal x

If it was me, then I would terminate and then stay single for a good couple of years.

If you’re adamant that you want to continue with the pregnancy then you need to understand that you’ll be doing it alone.

That is fine as many women do it, myself included, but you also have to take into consideration the fact that both these men will move on to find someone else and have grown up kids with barely any responsibilities.
Whilst you’ll have 2 teens and a baby to deal with.
Even if these men are both involved, like your ex currently, they will highly likely not co-parent in an equal way and you will be the default parent.

I personally could not imagine anything worse than being 40 and being a single parent to 2 teens and a baby.

For the next couple of weeks, stay single and don’t tell either of them about the baby.
Get an early scan and firstly see if it’s a viable pregnancy and what you want to do about it.

I am on the pill and have been for 12 years so how this has happened I don’t know.

Well, it happened because I’m assuming your boyfriend didn’t wear a condom and ejaculated inside you. Unfortunately the contraceptive pill isn’t 100% affective. It happens.

I’m very sorry you are in this situation.

Without a pregnancy, it still sounds very very messy and you sound very very confused.

Please do not bring a child into this emotional mess. Think about the upset this will cause to your other children and ex-partner.

Confide in a very trusted friend or family member. Book a termination and counselling.

Dump your boyfriend.

Have some time to be single.

Try and co-parent your children as best you can with your ex and try and get some extra support for your son, as he sounds like he’s really struggling.

Things will all feel better in time.

OP, you've said you couldn't have a termination (and I understand your feelings) so you'll just have to make the best of the situation. If it was me, I would tell your new partner and your ex that you are pregnant, but I probably wouldn't tell the children until I knew the pregnancy was progressing OK. There are people saying "have a termination, think of your other children", as if having an abortion is the easy option. I think statistics show that most women don't regret their abortions, but some women have a terrible emotional reaction and feel regret and guilt for years. If you had an abortion and regretted it, falling into depression for example, that would effect your existing children too. There are no easy options. But if your gut reaction is to keep the baby then I would go along with that. In my opinion it does not make you selfish (as others have suggested on here) at all.

I didn’t
I had an ex husband who creating additional mayhem in the background.
Teenagers going through the usual hormonal stuff where they hate your guts.
The only person being nice to me at that stage was my 6-year-old. And all I could think about was how much a baby would’ve ruined his life and it would.

He would’ve gone to live with his dad.
I would’ve lost him.
Lots to weigh up

Aside from what you want OP please, please think about the impact of a new baby from a complicated situation on the children you have and the children (3 already?) the other man has.

Your children have already been through a hell of a lot recently.

I'm so sorry this has landed on you but I would go against all the advice to put yourself first and suggest putting your children first.

Is it not possible for DS to either see dad more or even live with him?

Indeed they do. The ops DD already has a sibling. ASD or not, they haven't met their mother's boyfriend and I'm not sure they even know about him do they? I imagine this news will come as a shock. But regardless of who the father is, a teenager with sensitivity to noise will probably not find having a toddler around during their gcses particularly enjoyable.

Listen @MaddieInAmess this is your choice. Of course it is.

But you need to be thinking with your head not your heart here.

Of course you can't live your life only considering others, but in this case, I really think you need to do just that. Bringing a baby into a fledgling relationship, with either man, when your son is still hurting (a lot by the sounds of things), is a recipe for disaster and for alienating every person in your life.

Like others have said, don't put your desire for another baby above everything else important in your life. A baby is not going to plaster over the cracks in your life.

Btw i agree with fetchthevet. People are acting like an abortion is going to be a quick fix but the emotional impact on OP, especially if its a wanted baby will be devastating. Op i would honestly forget about ExH as a partner- its clear hes not reliable and hints of abusive by DDs words.