To think I’ve got myself into the worst mess ever??? Pregnancy related

[MaddieInAmess]

40 year old mum to twins aged 13

I left ExH last spring

He is a good man and great dad to DS - struggles with DD who is ASD and he suspects he is too

Emotionally he wasn’t very available and a general lack of affection made it feel difficult for me to be intimate sexually

DS was devastated ( and still is ) and hasn’t adjusted at all
DD says it’s less awkward without him here

Anyway a few months after the split I met someone at a work conference and we began dating - very causally as he lives a 3 hour round trip away and has his own DD aged 16 full time and 2 younger ones every second weekend

No kids involved with us / each other

Recently I have been doubting my decision to split with ExH - I’m not sure how much of this is guilt as he is also really not coping and constantly asking to come home and seeing DS broken hearted every day is killing me

I met him last week for coffee and ended up crying and saying I think I had made a mistake - he wanted to move back home that day but I said we needed to take it slowly because of the children and proceeded to cut the other guy off, explaining logistically it’s just too hard with the distance ( he says he would move areas once his DD is 18 but my DS would 100% move out if anyone moved in ) and that I couldn’t cope with the guilt of breaking up my family.

After a few days I began to miss him so much I felt unwell so got back in contact and we are meant to be meeting tomorrow evening to talk but this morning I felt really weird, took a test and it’s positive.

I am on the pill and have been for 12 years so how this has happened I don’t know.

What a mess 😢

I think the termination has happened, and now op will need support. She has made her decision based on her children’s needs which is a sensible and pragmatic choice. I hope op is okay.

A baby is a blessing esp in your 40's and if it is a longed for pregnancy that your terminating, please look after yourself and seek emotional support. Does the father know? In my profession. I've rarely heard of anyone regretting going ahead with the pregnancy.Things always have a way of working out and you would find your way. Take care.

OP, don’t be scared, you will be fine. As a PP said, I think a surgical termination is better physically overall as you are asleep and it’s all dealt with pretty quickly. I had a surgical one a long time ago but my friend took the pills and I feel she had a much worse time of it than me.

Emotionally, there’s no difference and there’s no way to avoid it, it’s going to be tough. You are going to have to try and stop beating yourself up and give yourself a lot of self care. Remember you are doing this for your young teenage children who need stability now more than ever.

If I were you I would break things off with the new guy and throw yourself into your work and your teenagers. Stay single for a long time while you get over all of this but have your exDH over a lot to help your DS and try to repair things between your DD and your ex a bit. I’m not in any way suggesting getting back with your ex, you split up for a reason, but having him around a bit more may help.

Good luck, for what it’s worth, I think you’re doing the right thing.

It’s not a blessing if you can’t manage and you have children with sen. It’s not a blessing if you can’t cope on your own. The care system is testament to the hundreds of thousands of children with parents that things didn’t magically ‘work out’ for.

Back in the real world, in reality, best case this would have been an extremely challenging decade or two for op and her dc. Best case.

OP can you have some counselling to go over your choices?

Life doesn't always go in straight lines, and I hope you have support to work out what is right for you.

You are NOT an awful person.

you and your ex-DH split. It doesn’t sound like you simply did this on a whim. It sounds like you did this to protect your wellbeing and in an attempt to lead a happy life. That was (and is!) your right!

Seeing an other man doesn’t make you a horrible person either.

what you need to do is decide for yourself how you want to proceed. Yes, you should consider your 2 DC. But you don’t owe it to them to destroy yourself. Be that by getting back with your ex or having an abortion (if you come to the conclusion that you want this pregnancy).

You say there’s no one in real life you can talk to, that you’ve pushed away friends due to depression. I would therefore strongly encourage you to seek counselling.

What? You started this thread saying you wanted to get back together with your husband… but you’re completely in love with the new man? And you’ve messed around with the pregnancy that you’re now going through a harder procedure instead of just dealing with it.

Are you in therapy? You need therapy.

Sorry, I missed you last update. You deserve happiness in this life.

I strongly encourage you to consider returning to therapy. Take time for yourself. If one type of therapy doesn’t get you any positive results (after trying earnestly) or if you feel uncomfortable with a therapy, I’d strongly urge you to try something else. Therapy isn’t “one size fits all”.

I agree about therapy. Mumsnet can be overwhelming to have a barrage of different opinions. You should care about your children but don’t forget yourself too. You matter too.

@MaddieInAmess

Please don’t do anything that you instinctively feel is wrong, because you will regret it for the rest of your life 💐

In your shoes I would terminate the pregnancy asap.

OP I’ve read all your posts and was really surprised to read the ones at the end to say you’ve booked an assessment for a surgical abortion. I’m pro abortion but it sounds like you wanted a baby and that you love new partner - you’ve been swaying back to exH purely out of loneliness and guilt. New partner will support you. You need to ask for his support here. Don’t act from a place of shame and guilt.

I imagine the ex husband will be crushed by this news. I’m sure he has sacrificed a lot with years of parenting, being a good Dad, probably paying for everything and being extremely generous. To cast him aside and fall pregnant by another man is very hurtful. I do feel sorry for him. It’s notable that the marriage seemed to fail around the time he got made redundant from his presumably well paid job and is now on min wage. Just remember your wedding vows, for richer and poorer and the rest of it

Tbe fact that you son is very upset is clearly another huge factor. Reading between the lines with his reaction and the fact you’ve alienated a lot of friends, it’s clear an abortion is clearly the right thing to do.

Please make sure you’ve thought this through OP because it sounded like you wanted this baby and longed for it.

Your children would get used to a new baby even if it was rough at first but you can only make this decision for yourself. Stop trying to please everyone else and just really think about what YOU want.

If that’s a termination then so be it, but if you have one for the wrong reasons and realise that children are resilient as hell, you’ll never forgive yourself….

I can’t help but think that in 4/5 years time when your kids have left home and you’re alone that you will regret this decision.

You will then have the freedom to be with who you want when you want and where you want and could be with a man you’re completely in love with raising your baby together.

ExH will get over it but at the moment he’s being led on a little bit and DS will also get over it. When my son’s dad left he was devastated but we didn’t have a choice and he’s fine now and sees him regularly and it’s his new normal.

What an awful post...the op has enough going on without being guilt tripped over her ex husband. Personally I think the op needs to put the mens feelings aside right now and focus solely on herself and her DC.

Quite unusual for DC to leave home at 17/18, even if going to Uni, a lot commute and come back these days due to housing costs.

A child with ASD will often need support well into adulthood, if not for life, depending on level of independent living skills.

It is only you, yourself that wants another baby.

The new man is out of the picture and he's got enough kids to worry about already.

Your Ex is your ex for very good reasons, don't have him back.

A new baby will mess up the very fragile balance your DS and DD are reaching. This is the most important aspect here.

You would most likely look after the new baby on your own, no practical or financial support , can you afford this?

It would be a very messy, chaotic situation where not 1 single person will be entirely fulfilled long term.

Take care of yourself OP

OP please don't be too hard on yourself X seek support/ counselling going forward and give yourself head space x sending hugs

You can regret something but still know that you made the right decision.
I've lived with that regret, but I know that if I had gone ahead with the pregnancy it would have made life even more difficult for everybody involved.
My son and my mental health had to come before the love I already felt for that baby.

Look after yourself OP, don't let anybody here, or in real life push you into a decision that isn't right for you. Whichever way it goes be gentle on yourself.

Because people seem to not give a shit about reading all OP's posts, you're going to get very mixed and unclear advice by people who can't help themselves butting in as they don't need the full story.

I might report the OP and ask MN to put a note on asking people to RTFT, that might help.

Sorry you're in this position OP.

Edited because I didn't read the updates.

Dear @MaddieInAmess
Im so so sorry for what you’re going through.
Sending much love and hugs for you as you get through this week.
Please look after yourself and by that I mean - don’t forget to drink liquids,
-eat small meals regularly as low blood sugar can feel like anxiety so nibble away,

-try and do some deep breathing - the 4:4:4:4 one is good breathe in, hold, exhale, hold, breathe in all to the count of 4 - like a box. Do this if ever you feel your heart rate increases. Sit, do this with feet firmly on the floor until it subsides.

just concentrate on getting through the day ahead of you and put a pin in other decisions other than getting through the one you’re making for this week.

lots of love xx

Such a fantastic post because it explains my situation clearly, I'm struggling with a new relationship at the moment. Mumsnet is saving my day yet again. Thanks 🙏