To think I’ve got myself into the worst mess ever??? Pregnancy related

[MaddieInAmess]

40 year old mum to twins aged 13

I left ExH last spring

He is a good man and great dad to DS - struggles with DD who is ASD and he suspects he is too

Emotionally he wasn’t very available and a general lack of affection made it feel difficult for me to be intimate sexually

DS was devastated ( and still is ) and hasn’t adjusted at all
DD says it’s less awkward without him here

Anyway a few months after the split I met someone at a work conference and we began dating - very causally as he lives a 3 hour round trip away and has his own DD aged 16 full time and 2 younger ones every second weekend

No kids involved with us / each other

Recently I have been doubting my decision to split with ExH - I’m not sure how much of this is guilt as he is also really not coping and constantly asking to come home and seeing DS broken hearted every day is killing me

I met him last week for coffee and ended up crying and saying I think I had made a mistake - he wanted to move back home that day but I said we needed to take it slowly because of the children and proceeded to cut the other guy off, explaining logistically it’s just too hard with the distance ( he says he would move areas once his DD is 18 but my DS would 100% move out if anyone moved in ) and that I couldn’t cope with the guilt of breaking up my family.

After a few days I began to miss him so much I felt unwell so got back in contact and we are meant to be meeting tomorrow evening to talk but this morning I felt really weird, took a test and it’s positive.

I am on the pill and have been for 12 years so how this has happened I don’t know.

What a mess 😢

But this whole back and forth just adds to the unstableness your kids are feeling, and now you are thinking of once again get back together with their dad and throw in another man's baby in the mix. You really need to just be single for a while, let everything stabilise and make sure your kids are OK and happy.

Congratulations on your pregnancy - there’s no reason why you should terminate it because you aren’t married. It’s 2025.

It sounds like you're set on having the baby op. Absolutely your body your choice. Truthfully though I think this will be incredibly difficult for your current DC...all you can do is try to mitigate this as much as you can

I was a bit blindsided by my last pregnancy, had children awaiting an ASD diagnosis and had already mentally decided the relationship was over. But my children were much younger and limped along until baby was a toddler to get through those tough newborn days, if it was now I’d absolutely not consider continuing with a pregnancy. It’s taken a huge readjustment for the children being between two homes and the upheaval of splitting without adding a baby into the mix. I’d look at getting counselling for your son and honestly, I’d not even consider getting back with the ex. If he’s autistic then he will find it very difficult to change the behaviours that made you split initially and as he gets older I really suspect you’ll find living with him even more difficult. How long will you put every one else’s happiness before your own? You can’t be the wedge under the table to keep everyone else steady.

Do you think your new fella wants another child?

Is your noise sensitive DD going to cope with a screaming baby in the house?

I suppose one or both of the twins could go and live with their dad as the maintenance you’d be paying him would help cover rent.

It does seem like by keeping this baby you’re throwing a hand grenade into several lives. I’m not sure your kids will forgive you easily for that.

These are completely unsuitable circumstances to bring a new baby into tbh. The fact that things sound fragile with your teenage children being the primary reason. I couldn't throw a hand grenade into their lives like this. It will bring drama and complexity where there should be stability and consistency. This is a non-starter in my opinion, I'd be compelled to prioritise my existing family.

I think it's more the issue that she has teenagers and the father of the baby is a casual partner who hasn't even met her children.

I feel for you, OP, but having a baby is going to be essentially lobbing a grenade into your life for your DC. You've got little financial security if you're renting, and the father can't commit to you for years. Your DC may well not want to live with a baby in the house and will want to go to their father full time who is living with his Mum due to finances too. It's all a bit of a shitshow in truth.

You have missed the entire point. It isn't a mess because she isn't married. It's a mess because she has recently left her husband, her son hasen't recovered from the divorce yet, he daughter has ASD (unlikely to be OK with change) and she is now pregnant by a man that she has kept hidden from everyone for an entire year. Going through with this secret pregnancy could be disastrous for her relationship with her kids. It's a huge risk.

Yes I agree and in 2-3 years time the ops children are going to be doing their GCSEs with a toddler running round...one teen is noise sensitive and the other is struggling with the break up of their parents marriage. It's not great

@MaddieInAmess The above poster sums this up and you need to take some time to think this through carefully, which is difficult to do when your hormones will be all over the place.

Your EX DH is obviously not trying to make things easier for your son, by placing all the blame on you TO YOUR JOINT SON. He should be trying to get your son to come to terms with the split. He's pressuring you too, even although he knows you have both tried more than once to make it work and it hasn't. Another attempt won't be likely to work either. Do you really think that getting back with him would be a good option, especially as you are now expecting another Man's child? Even if he said he would accept the baby, my guess would be that he almost certainly would take it out on the new child as the said child grows. It's a big risk, in my opinion.

On the Other hand, your DD is clearly happier from what you say, that your exDH is no longer living in the home

Others have already pointed out what is likely to happen/the upset to the children you already have if you announce that you are pregnant, but it's not their Dad's Baby.

I can't advise you what to do, but I do think you need to think about what would be best for the 2 children you already have. They are the most important people in this whole messed up situation.

Sorry OP, but I don’t see how you can keep both the baby and your DS.

In your position I would put my existing son first and end the pregnancy. I just can’t imagine how you can have this baby and keep your DS.

Sorry if that’s brutally honest.

It doesn’t matter who the father is, the OP doesn’t want to terminate the pregnancy. As I said it’s 2025, she’s 41, there’s no shame involved.

No one is suggesting it's shameful. But telling two teens, one who has ASD and the other who is devastated about his parents break up, that actually their mother has a boyfriend they've never met and is having a baby is not going to be easy

Like I said, her body, her choice, but let's be realistic about how difficult this could be

It’s not about shame, it’s about not fucking up her existing kids lives.

I want to not make this messy but I don’t know how not to 😢

Shame isn't what people are talking about. It's about the well-being of the children she already has, it's about putting them first after a tumultuous few years that they are still recovering from. To just go, it's 2025, I do what I want, the kids can just deal with it is incredibly callous.

You terminate the pregnancy, end your relationships with both men, remain single for a while and focus on your kids. It's healthy to be able to cope with being lonely sometimes. Your kids really needs to come first here.

I agree.

Harsh but true.
There are 5 already here people in this mess.
I think you need to think about what your DS and DD have already been through.
You have said yourself that you were missing EXH.
EXB already has 3 other kids. He may not want to start again.
I think that if you were on the Pill, it means you were NOT in a position to have a baby.
Your twins will resent this baby by a man they don’t even know exists! You have lied to them about your romance, and they will not trust you.

As I said; harsh but true.

FWIw I think you should not have the baby, and either go it alone for a while or continue to see if you can work things out with your EXH.

But honestly? I think you only want to hear people telling you to have the. Any and walk into an imaginary sunset with New Man.

OK, you’ve talked me out of it, make the OP go to a mother and baby home and scrub floors as a penance for having sex outside marriage. FFS

You are being ridiculous. I imagine vast majority of us commenting have had sex and maybe babies outside of marriage. No one cares about that.

I think your first step is to tell new man about the baby. He might not want another child or to continue the relationship, and you can then decide your next step.

Sorry but not sorry in the nicest way possible you’re an idiot, at 41 you should know better

You make no sense.