To think I’ve got myself into the worst mess ever??? Pregnancy related

[MaddieInAmess]

40 year old mum to twins aged 13

I left ExH last spring

He is a good man and great dad to DS - struggles with DD who is ASD and he suspects he is too

Emotionally he wasn’t very available and a general lack of affection made it feel difficult for me to be intimate sexually

DS was devastated ( and still is ) and hasn’t adjusted at all
DD says it’s less awkward without him here

Anyway a few months after the split I met someone at a work conference and we began dating - very causally as he lives a 3 hour round trip away and has his own DD aged 16 full time and 2 younger ones every second weekend

No kids involved with us / each other

Recently I have been doubting my decision to split with ExH - I’m not sure how much of this is guilt as he is also really not coping and constantly asking to come home and seeing DS broken hearted every day is killing me

I met him last week for coffee and ended up crying and saying I think I had made a mistake - he wanted to move back home that day but I said we needed to take it slowly because of the children and proceeded to cut the other guy off, explaining logistically it’s just too hard with the distance ( he says he would move areas once his DD is 18 but my DS would 100% move out if anyone moved in ) and that I couldn’t cope with the guilt of breaking up my family.

After a few days I began to miss him so much I felt unwell so got back in contact and we are meant to be meeting tomorrow evening to talk but this morning I felt really weird, took a test and it’s positive.

I am on the pill and have been for 12 years so how this has happened I don’t know.

What a mess 😢

Your only priority needs to be your existing children.

I honestly don't think a forum can help you. It has to be a gut feeling thing direct from you but I'm trying to imagine a scenario where your new man knows you have had his child as you would have to let him know, but you are back with your ex husband.

I think I would stay single and sit your son down and explain that you are keeping the baby but nothing else is going to change. Listen to his side and chat easily about it all if possible. You can't be dictated to by a 13yo though and you can't let fear of a situation that may never come to pass, effect big decisions.

It will be incredibly hard for your existing DC and to be honest, they should be your priority right now. I don’t think you should be with either of these men. Sorry but getting a termination is the only option i’d consider in the circumstances. Getting back with your ex would be a big mistake.

Honestly, for your kids sake, I would really reconsider this pregnancy. Your DS hasn't accepted that you and his dad aren't going to be together anymore and the fact that you are wobbling too regarding this makes it all the more confusing for everyone. Your DD has ASD and would probably not cope well at all with having a strange man and a new half sibling that she knows nothing about in her home. I get that it is hard to go through an abortion but you need to put your two existing kids first in this or you risk losing your relationship with them for good. They need much more time getting to grips with the change in their cirumstances before you throw in more people.

You will be doing this on your own.

Whatever you do, don’t get back with the ex. You’ll be doing it because you feel vulnerable, not because he is a good partner. That never ends well. You will be more vulnerable than ever.

He isn’t going to be able to step up - he couldn’t before, he can’t now, he wants to come back because he isn’t coping well rather than to help you.

Don’t.

This.

Honestly in your shoes I don’t think I would continue with the pregnancy.

New man already has 3 children, lives 3 hours away and so can’t be a full time parent anyway, this would be his 4th child from potentially 3 different mum’s to try and juggle which isn’t ideal. On top of that you’ve recently split with him as you wanted your ex back so it’s far from the kind of stability you really should have to welcome a baby.

You haven’t even met each others families due to concern for your son’s feelings, if a casual meet up with “mum’s friend” would have been such a worry then announcing a year long hidden relationship with a new sibling on the way could well be catastrophic.

Your feelings/relationship with your ex are still up in the air, bringing another baby into the mix again could be catastrophic.

You have options but given all of the moving parts here, I don’t think I would personally choose to add to the family

Won’t DS (and potentially DD) really struggle with a newborn baby? Especially if they know it’s not their dads child?
if you really want this child, I would tell DXH that it’s not possible to reunite but working on him spending more time with DS. Your desire to reunite with him seems to be born out of what is easiest for others and not necessarily for you.

you need to let DXB know about the pregnancy and consider whether you relationship could progress - although again your DC might be unhappy with this.

Do DXH and children know about the boyfriend?

My advice would be to terminate the pregnancy, remain single and concentrate on the wellbeing of your two existing children. I think if you put them first, you can never really regret it.

Not to drip feed but just to add because of some points mentioned here -

New man will NOT be living with us for at least 3 years

This is regardless of a new baby - he physically cannot relocate until his 16 year old who has no contact with her mother ( same mother to his younger children but DD decided no contact when they split 3 years ago due to abuse from mum ) is settled after college

Even then it may not be the right time to leave a 19 year old in an area without any parent

This also just wouldn’t be what I want for my 13 year olds anyway - a new man living with us is a big no; largely because of DS’ feelings about his dad but also DD is incredibly noise sensitive and would struggle with that change however she has wanted a rumbling for quite a few years and keeps advising me to join Tinder ( I have not! ) to find a suitable man for her sibling

So very different in terms of how they’ve taken the split

Saying she’s keeping the baby but nothing else is changing would be a massive lie and pretty damaging though. If she goes through with it it’s better to prepare him for change. In reality knowing his mum had a boyfriend will cause more upset as it shows the split is final, he may well have to deal with the now ex boyfriend as obviously that man will be the father of the baby, plus OPs ex DH may hold resentment about the situation as it’s come right after she’s given him hope about reconnecting. Absolutely everything will change

That was a joke btw.

If you continue the pregnancy, can you do this alone without the new man? There is nothing to say he will stick around now or in the future.

What will it do for your career? your relationship with your kids? Different kids with different dads. Assuming both dads stay on the scene and financially support their kids and want contact. Can you see juggling this future?

It will destroy the relationship with your Ex. What will it do to the relationship with your kids?

If you dont continuity the pregnancy you need to concentrate completely on you and what you want. Does either man give you what you need right now? Could they give you what you need in 2 or 3 years? A planned pregnancy in 12 months could always happen if that is something you both wanted.

Personally I would put my children first and not destroy the relationship with them for a unplanned pregnancy in your situation.

Would she copy with crying baby if she’s noise sensitive then?

So, right, it’s complex. But you are thinking you want to have this baby. is that the dream scenario? Are you alone in this scenario or with your ex?

Are you really sure you want the ex AND the baby - how are your DC and ex likely to take the news? Has something substantive changed with the ex to make you reconsider hîm? Or is it mainly the loneliness?

Also, and this is something I hesitate to write, cos it sounds harsh to say to a pregnant woman, would it be worth holding off having any chats or making any decisions at all til you see if the pregnancy is definitely viable? (I know you do want a baby, sorry to write this). If you’re only just pregnant, you know, you could give it a bit of time? No point starting down the road of talking all this through with your ex and DC and the father if it doesn’t happen.

And these are rhetorical questions, by the way. I am sorry it’s gone this way. X

I think having the baby is unquestionably the harder path here but ultimately you are the one who lives with that. I personally am someone who could never have an abortion (though I'm completely pro choice for others) so I understand if it's something you can't go through with.

Some things to think about if you go ahead:
Your DH is likely to take it badly, I'd imagine any hope of reconciliation ends here.

Mumsnet is always doom and gloom about how older siblings will take a new baby, I've known it go both ways in real life, they may hate or love the idea of a new sibling (separate from whether or not they are happy about the relationship). You need to be prepared for all reactions.

You'll be parenting solo or will need a custody arrangement, you have some difficult conversations ahead of you with the baby's father.

To be honest, crazy though it sounds, I think if you go ahead with the pregnancy the best thing might be to end the relationship. That way you are introducing a baby to your children's lives but not the baggage and added complications of a new partner as well. It will be hard to keep the relationship going long distance for 3+ years anyway. So you can say to everyone that the baby was the product of a short fling and leave it there.

What's your ideal here?

Dh moves in and takes on baby as his own?

New man can't live without being near his child and moves closer?

Single parent?

Given everything you've said regarding your children, will they cope?

Unfortunately it's one of those situations where someone will definitely get hurt, so all you can do is make your choice based on the best interests of your existing dc and you, the ex and the new man will just have to deal with it.

Oh dear what a tricky situation.
If I was you I’d definitely terminate.
I wouldn’t be with either man.
Ex H is ex for a reason.
New man is only going to be long distance / part time for the next few years at least.

Blending sounds like it would be very difficult for your children.

Your kids don’t even know about the man , imagine telling them about a baby ??

It is a mess. Because you have two children already who are teens, one with ASD who have both been through a lot of change recently with their dad moving out. I think you need to put them first. Would a new baby with this man they have never met be putting them first?

Absolutely this.

So far we have two men and a very early baby cell coming before them right now tho..so I don't hold out much hope unfortunately

This is harsh

I understand but me and ExH had been struggling for a good few years before the final split - in fact we cohabited for 2 whole years because he didn’t want to leave the children and I didn’t want to put anyone in that position

We then got back together and sadly a year or so later it still wasn’t working

So the split wasn’t a massive shock - sadly DS has taken it very very badly as he idealises ExH and ExH has made it abundantly clear that this isn’t his choice; it’s mine and I could fix it if I wanted to by letting him come home

This pregnancy is unplanned yes but as I said earlier; I wanted a baby for years and ExH said no so it isn’t like I’ve suddenly got broody and at 40 and on the pill I’m pretty surprised myself

Sorry @Summerflowers6 this is just not true that “if he loves you he will want you back with the baby”. You have absolutely no idea how this man who you don’t know (and who has suspected ASD) will respond to this news. OP I agree with everyone who says take some time to decide what you want.

I agree with @Sauvin. It is going to be very difficult for your son, your ex DH to accept the baby and the new man in your lives as father of the baby. I really hope you are able to get a clear idea what to do; it sounds very painful for you either way.

Me neither. Most parents try and protect their kids from messes such as these, OP seems to think there is a chance they can all live as a happy family even though it has all been hidden from the kids for a whole year. Two teenage kids are not going to take this news the same way two 4 year olds would. They will most likely feel deceived and repulsed by the whole thing.

Oh, right - so your ex is badgering you constantly because he hasn't met another woman/wants his house back and has got your DS onside to keep on at you when he's not doing it? Whilst your DD is enjoying the peace of not feeling constantly under attack from her father?

This is only as messy as you make it, OP. And, gently, don't mess these 2 men around due to your own confusion.
Good luck with whatever decisions you make.
💚