To think I’ve got myself into the worst mess ever??? Pregnancy related

[MaddieInAmess]

40 year old mum to twins aged 13

I left ExH last spring

He is a good man and great dad to DS - struggles with DD who is ASD and he suspects he is too

Emotionally he wasn’t very available and a general lack of affection made it feel difficult for me to be intimate sexually

DS was devastated ( and still is ) and hasn’t adjusted at all
DD says it’s less awkward without him here

Anyway a few months after the split I met someone at a work conference and we began dating - very causally as he lives a 3 hour round trip away and has his own DD aged 16 full time and 2 younger ones every second weekend

No kids involved with us / each other

Recently I have been doubting my decision to split with ExH - I’m not sure how much of this is guilt as he is also really not coping and constantly asking to come home and seeing DS broken hearted every day is killing me

I met him last week for coffee and ended up crying and saying I think I had made a mistake - he wanted to move back home that day but I said we needed to take it slowly because of the children and proceeded to cut the other guy off, explaining logistically it’s just too hard with the distance ( he says he would move areas once his DD is 18 but my DS would 100% move out if anyone moved in ) and that I couldn’t cope with the guilt of breaking up my family.

After a few days I began to miss him so much I felt unwell so got back in contact and we are meant to be meeting tomorrow evening to talk but this morning I felt really weird, took a test and it’s positive.

I am on the pill and have been for 12 years so how this has happened I don’t know.

What a mess 😢

Do you honestly think you can navigate pregnancy, a relationship with a man who hasn’t met your children, an ex who thought he’d get another chance and your already traumatised children?

This is a recipe for real genuine damage for your existing children.

You may want a third child but is that the right thing to do for anyone in this situation?

Because it’s 2025 she should be able to bring a baby into her already emotional home and emotional life, turning the lives of her 13yo twins upside down?

Gotcha 👍🏼

Without wanting to add to your stress OP this pregnancy could well even be twins again unless your current set were conceived with fertility treatment - having naturally conceived DCDA twins gives you a much higher chance of conceiving twins again. To go it alone with one baby under these circumstances is going to be totally different to having twins

You do have a lot to think about OP, this will obviously completely scupper any reconciliation with your ex husband, and will also cause problems with your son.
There is no chance of a proper family relationship with the father either.
I think you need to think very hard about how you will actually cope with a baby, you need to be brutally realistic, hard as that might be.
Do you go to work?
Would you be able to cope financially?
Do you have friends, family for support?
Also have you double checked the test, with you being on the pill it seems odd that you’re pregnant.

I’ll reply properly after I get the kids to bed but just wanted to quickly reply that yes twins were IVF as ExH had some sperm count issues

I think I need to say nothing until an early scan in case this worry isn’t needed

I am so thankful for your replies - even the hard to hear ones

I have sunk into a real depression since splitting with ExH and seeing my son so devastated so I’ve alienated a lot of friends so have nobody to turn to now

As it sounds like you want to keep the baby, first of all I would tell the father and your ex husband. Then go from there, don’t worry about your older kids yet. Just take little steps forward, it seems like a big mess now but eventually it won’t feel like that.

I almost never post on threads like this for a lot of reasons. But your honesty and distress is obvious. I think in this situation the counsel I would give is park any thoughts about the men in your life. And your desire to have more children. The most important factor to consider is the children that you already have. They are your primary responsibility and their needs in this particular situation need to be considered ahead of anything and anyone.

Butterfingers! Could DS possibly spend majority time with dad? It seems its what he wants. To combat the negativity, i had a baby when my kids were 16 doing gcse, 14 and 9. The 9 year old is profoundly delayed with self harming towards himself and 14 has suspected ASD and is also noise sensitive. A year on and i can honestly say that there were limited problems and its like she was always here. Not trying to encourage/discourage you here, but sometimes in less ideal situations it does work out

Does your youngest have a different father from the older ones?

Op...if I'm wrong I apologise, but was this really an accident? You said you've been very depressed since your break up...you wanted a third child anyway. Was this actually planned and now you're suddenly thinking what have I done? Like I said, I apologise if this isn't the case

@PinkChaires OP has already said ex is in the spare room at parents so that’s not an option. And even if it was, it would be a terrible option.

OP is also going to be effectively a single parent to a newborn with a partner her children haven’t even met. That’s not great.

My worry would be that if you have this baby, your DS and exH will likely want nothing to do with you, quite possibly forever.

Congrats OP on the baby that you wanted to have regardless of if it was planned or not, don't let anyone take the happiness away from you.

As for the men, its really not that complicated. You are in a relationship with the father, your ex is your ex that you tried for a long time with and its never worked (madness is repeating the same thing and expecting a different result).

And I mean this with all due respect but being scared of your teenage DS (or anyone for that matters) opinions on your body, fertility, what you do with your body or your relationships is mad as his opinions DOES NOT MATTER. Any woman that panders to their child (especially a impressionable teen boys) opinions on a woman's body/sexuality and them being mad/upset about their adult private choices does a disservice to woman kind. Your kids are not involved with this man, they are not in any danger or involved at all so its not really anything to do with them.

Its perfectly fine to have a relationship with a man your kids don't know (its your private relationship), its perfectly fine to have this baby you always wanted (its your body/fertility), its perfectly fine not to live with the father of your baby (my step dad did not move in until my sibling was 3 and me and DH lived separate when my oldest was young)... you got this.

A new baby at 41 with a grieving son and a daughter with asd is going to be very very rough. On top of that the situation with ex-h and new bloke - neither of whom are realistically going to be able to support you through physical, emotional and medical side of pregnancy, postpartum or early years child rearing. Realistically it is not a great idea to have a baby in this circumstance regardless of whether or not you wanted a third child in your previous marriage. As someone who was pregnant in my early 20s and then late 30s I can say the gruelling nature of an older pregnancy is really not to be underestimated.

You’re romanticising the whole scenario.

You split with EX last spring, but have been with the new guy a year. So you jumped straight from a failed marriage into a secret relationship. You’ve never lived with this man or spent massive amounts of time with him. So really you don’t properly know him at all.

Then you want to bring a new baby into the mix, and basically never give the baby or the Dad a chance to know each other. The new guy can’t live with you for 3 years at least. If he does move in in 3 years what about his other two younger children? Will he just not see them? Do you have room for them to stay over? Do you have room for a new baby? I guess everyone has their own bedroom but will you now expect a teenager to share with a toddler?

I think you already know your DS will never forgive you.

What about how hard it will be to have a baby again, a baby in your 20’s is vastly different to your 40’s. can you afford the drop to maternity pay? I’m guessing new guy won’t be able to contribute much as he’ll have his own house and 3 other kids to support.

As someone who was pregnant in my early 20s and then late 30s I can say the gruelling nature of an older pregnancy is really not to be underestimated.

I was pregnant at 34 & 39 and even those 5 years the difference was absolutely hideous. I was shocked.

Do not do anything for the sake of anyone else.
Neither you or anyone else can see into the future. Base your decision on what feels right for you now. Be fearless, stuff works out especially when it's what you actually want.

Agreed. You may 'want a baby', but does your son who is grieving the loss of having his 'great dad' at home with him? Or his noise sensitive autistic sister? I can well imagine she will love the appearance of a noisy newborn born from a relationship she didn't even know you were having.

The long distance relationship with the other man is very new, you have no idea whether he is someone you should be tying to you and your children for life.

Even for the sake of her children?

No one should have a termination they don’t want to but romanticising this situation is supremely unhelpful.

The reality is if you keep this baby it will be one of 6 siblings, that's a huge blended family. You haven't even lived with the new man and had already ended things.

If you do continue with the pregnancy please don't send your son to live with his dad, think about the message that would send.

I can’t see if anyone has said this, but I actually find your ex quite manipulative here - he’s letting your son know that you’re that bad guy to the extent you’re considering getting back together.

Nowhere that I can see have you said you want to get back together because you love him, but because you’re lonely and your son is still distraught (egged on by his dad from the sounds of it). You were cohabiting then got back together then split up - if your son is upset now, he’ll be completely inconsolable if you then split up again, let alone if you also bring another man’s child into the equation.

Oh OP, what a mess. But you really don't have any choice - you have to put your children first, your living children, and it would be utter madness to bring a baby into their lives now and in these circumstances. And bringing a new child into this?

Yes it will be painful for you, but better that, than putting your children through this

(and fwiw, I did go through something very similar and did terminate the pregnancy and have no regrets at all. I know I put my children first and made the right choice for them).

The baby she is carrying IS one of her children.

I would keep the baby. Tell the father that you want to keep seeing him but you may never want a family unit with him and let him decide what he wants to do.

Say nothing to the kids until you are far enough on that you have to tell them and then they will be a bit older and hopefully the boy won't take it as badly as you expect.

I get that you have to take his emotions into consideration but not to the point you abort a wanted baby.

I would consign ex DH to my past as far as possible and tell him you have done so.

After that, see how you get on. It will probably be OK so long as you are not dramatic about it (and you don't sound the type).

I really don’t like to say this but you’ve asked for opinions….. your life and that of your children, your ex, your current boyfriend who has complicated issues of his own and added to all this you’re pregnant - phew it all sounds in your words a mess.
You want another baby but what about all the other people who will be in the baby’s life?
Try to think about it all objectively and not emotionally. it must be very difficult for you and I wish you all the best.