To think I’ve got myself into the worst mess ever??? Pregnancy related

[MaddieInAmess]

40 year old mum to twins aged 13

I left ExH last spring

He is a good man and great dad to DS - struggles with DD who is ASD and he suspects he is too

Emotionally he wasn’t very available and a general lack of affection made it feel difficult for me to be intimate sexually

DS was devastated ( and still is ) and hasn’t adjusted at all
DD says it’s less awkward without him here

Anyway a few months after the split I met someone at a work conference and we began dating - very causally as he lives a 3 hour round trip away and has his own DD aged 16 full time and 2 younger ones every second weekend

No kids involved with us / each other

Recently I have been doubting my decision to split with ExH - I’m not sure how much of this is guilt as he is also really not coping and constantly asking to come home and seeing DS broken hearted every day is killing me

I met him last week for coffee and ended up crying and saying I think I had made a mistake - he wanted to move back home that day but I said we needed to take it slowly because of the children and proceeded to cut the other guy off, explaining logistically it’s just too hard with the distance ( he says he would move areas once his DD is 18 but my DS would 100% move out if anyone moved in ) and that I couldn’t cope with the guilt of breaking up my family.

After a few days I began to miss him so much I felt unwell so got back in contact and we are meant to be meeting tomorrow evening to talk but this morning I felt really weird, took a test and it’s positive.

I am on the pill and have been for 12 years so how this has happened I don’t know.

What a mess 😢

That post just shows zero accountability or consideration for wrecking her sons life or treating her husband the way she did

She hasn't wrecked her DS life ...that's a ridiculous stretch. Yes he sounds upset that his parents are separated but it's quite a common occurrence and I doubt it's ruined his entire life. Relationships are complicated and we are entitled to end them if we wish, even if it causes upset to the other person I'm afraid.

The op sounds like she's really struggling... feeling guilty will achieve nothing.

Please do not go ahead tomorrow with a termination of a WANTED pregnancy, just out of misplaced guilt. That will haunt you forever.
You have said you'd manage financially so have the baby. Babies are wonderful and your twins will have renewed joy in their lives. Could be the making of them!
Perhaps things will work out with the new man, perhaps they won't. Perhaps even ExH will step up and offer to be a husband to you and a father to the new baby regardless of blood and perhaps you will accept or decline. You didn't cheat, you were in a legit fresh relationship. If exH wants you back he'd have to realise you come with lovely bonus baggage now and prove himself to you.
What's for you won't go by you, I wish you the best.

As a women with adhd and 5 children if u want to message me please message me! Don't let anyone sway your mind on either keeping the baby or not keeping the baby this is your decision and a very hard one but as an adhd person I no rational decisions are very hard so don't hesitate to speak to someone like minded my inbox is allways open x

If you want the baby don’t go tomorrow, forget about your ex and other man, think of what you really want! It’s your body and your decision x

How do you know OP would be on her own or a single parent? You just sound very pessimistic.

I'm also not sure where you're getting your statistics from? There is a variety of reasons why children are in the social care system at any one time and not all of these relate to child protection.

You are seriously misguided. OP’s boyfriend has confirmed he can not move in for 3yrs plus - so yes she will be a single mother!!

107,000 children are in care. 99.9% of them because their parents can not look after them properly.

Why should we sugarcoat this for your benefit? It’s a fact.

www.gov.uk/government/statistics/childrens-social-care-in-england-2024/main-findings-childrens-social-care-in-england-2024

Hi I don't normally comment on posts but in this case I felt the need to come in and say yes it is messy, yes it will be difficult, but you clearly want this baby so all the posters advising you to terminate seem to be barking up the wrong tree here. It seems that it will be emotionally devastating to you to make the decision to end the life of the baby you want and for that reason I think you should do what your heart tells you and proceed with caution and sensitivity towards your 2 teens and your ex and the father of the baby. Messier situations have worked out. I agree counselling will help. Yes it's unlikely that you ex will want to reconcile with a baby that's not his, but we really don't know and what we do know is that you're not sure about either man. What you do know is you love your children, all 3 of them right now and it sounds to me as if you could prioritise them and your own happiness by having them and putting the men on the back burner. Maybe I'm naive but I've seen this work before. Do what you want to do just make sure the children's needs come first here which I don't think you need telling as you sound very sensitive to their needs, hence not introducing them to new man and sensible. Please don't be influenced by others opinions. We are all different so I agree with the person who said you're unlikely to find thr right answer from a forum like this. Wishing you all the best.

It sounds to me like you want the baby. If that's the case then make that your starting point. What happens next with the men will largely depend on how they react to that news.

Put your focus on yourself and your children. The men will either raise to the occasion or fail.

Then you will know what to do.

I think some posters have missed the OP's latest posts. She said she was going for a pre-assessment for a surgical abortion today (Thursday).
I hope you are 'ok' OP. Sending you a handhold for whatever happens next💐