To think I’ve got myself into the worst mess ever??? Pregnancy related

[MaddieInAmess]

40 year old mum to twins aged 13

I left ExH last spring

He is a good man and great dad to DS - struggles with DD who is ASD and he suspects he is too

Emotionally he wasn’t very available and a general lack of affection made it feel difficult for me to be intimate sexually

DS was devastated ( and still is ) and hasn’t adjusted at all
DD says it’s less awkward without him here

Anyway a few months after the split I met someone at a work conference and we began dating - very causally as he lives a 3 hour round trip away and has his own DD aged 16 full time and 2 younger ones every second weekend

No kids involved with us / each other

Recently I have been doubting my decision to split with ExH - I’m not sure how much of this is guilt as he is also really not coping and constantly asking to come home and seeing DS broken hearted every day is killing me

I met him last week for coffee and ended up crying and saying I think I had made a mistake - he wanted to move back home that day but I said we needed to take it slowly because of the children and proceeded to cut the other guy off, explaining logistically it’s just too hard with the distance ( he says he would move areas once his DD is 18 but my DS would 100% move out if anyone moved in ) and that I couldn’t cope with the guilt of breaking up my family.

After a few days I began to miss him so much I felt unwell so got back in contact and we are meant to be meeting tomorrow evening to talk but this morning I felt really weird, took a test and it’s positive.

I am on the pill and have been for 12 years so how this has happened I don’t know.

What a mess 😢

I was pregnant at 22 and 39 - both pregnancies were straightforward. Not everyone has the same experience.

You've spent a lot of time saying what you want. You want this baby, you've wanted it for a long time, but not really much about what's best for your existing children when their world's are already turned upside down.

The new man isn't in a position to be a dad. His child is almost a grown up but in this climate it isn't really realistic to just expect kids to leave the nest at 18-19. You've already pointed out your XH is on a minimum wage job and having to live with his parent and I presume he has an abundance of experience with work that means he could land a better job. A child does not. He needs to focus on his daughter.

Your XH also cannot give you what you need. Your daughter has expressed that she feels more emotionally secure with his absence. Your son isn't emotionally mature enough to understand the complexities of adult relationships.

And then there's this pregnancy. You've already got 2 existing children who have displayed that they're desperate for some stability. Should a baby materialise it isn't going to suddenly bring in stability, it's going to create a situation with a half sibling and a step sibling and potentially a lot of travel and less attention for them which they will need now they're in their teenage years, won't be long until they're sitting their GCSEs which will be one of the most stressful times they will experience in their young lives and you will be stretched thin.

Neither man sounds like a match, even nix the baby. You've got an emotionally absent XH, and a physically and financially absent new man. It's out of the frying pan and into the fire.

I would strongly recommend some immediate counselling so you can make informed choices based on logic and not emotion.

IMO I think this is a bit of a mess to bring a baby into. You’re clearly unstable in the nicest possible way. You feel sorry for your ex but it obviously wasn’t working, have twins one of whom is upset by the split and the other who is ND I think you said. The new man lives far away and also has kids. I think you need to work on yourself before bringing anyone else into this!

I think I agree with this too @MaddieInAmess

As hard as it is I think teenagers really need more support and presence especially if they’re ND even slightly. If they’re not coping with your split and you have a chance to reconcile it could be a much brighter easier future option for all.
Lone parenting/ full single motherhood - assuming you get some financial support - will be hard with teenagers and a baby.
good luck with your decsion making x

This is awful advice.

As for the men, its really not that complicated.

Of course it’s complicated. The OP has been casually dating this new man, who she very recently cut off. But then regretted that decision and has got back in touch with him.

This man lives a 3 hour round trip and already has 3 children, 1 of whom he has full time. This man hasn’t met the OP’s kids. One of which is dealing with the grief of his parents divorce and the other one is SEN!

She has also admitted to being confused and conflicted over the decision to split from ex-H.

The best thing for OP to do would to become single and stay single for a while. Baby or no baby.

However, a baby would cause a lot of change to her children’s lives. She has admitted if she wants a relationship with the new man they wouldn’t be living together until 3ish years down the line.

A new baby for the new man would mean him or the OP doing 3 hour round trips to see baby that’s IF he wants to be involved. Never mind the change it will also cause to his 3 children’s lives.

Its perfectly fine to have a relationship with a man your kids don't know

Yes, for maybe the first year or so. But her kids have the right to know who this man is eventually. Especially if he’s going to be the father of their new sibling. She can’t keep him private forever. 9 months goes by very, VERY quickly.

I do understand people saying to prioritise your existing children but those children were once tiny cells. And I say that as a pro choice Catholic.

This.

If you have this baby you could possibly lose both men and your DS, it will also have a huge impact on your DD. It’s likely you will be raising the child alone. The impact on everyone will be huge.

I know you don’t want to get rid of the baby as it’s possibly your last chance but you already have 2 dc to consider? I know what I would do.

But they're not tiny cells any more are they? They're fully formed humans and they do matter in this scenario.

The number of posters (albeit the minority) who think the existing children basically don’t matter is so upsetting.

The existing children will have to be told their mum has a new partner, a new baby is coming, AND deal with the fallout of the failed relationship with the father who also doesn’t have a stable home for them.

Kids are born into less than ideal situations all the time, the best is made, sometimes it works out fine.

But sometimes it’s a shit show and it’s disingenuous to pretend it’ll be bread and circuses for all parties just because OP wants a third baby.

@MaddieInAmess be cognisant of the pitfalls. Seriously. You will need to introduce a new partner, his children and a new baby to your children with only a few months to cope.

Plus this is before your boyfriend even knows. If he’s supportive it might be ok. If he’s not then that adds a further issue.

Regardless of the current situation having a baby with someone you’ve known less than a year is also bonkers.

Huh? Are you saying she should think of her kids as cells rather than teenagers with feelings and personalities? A tiny cell of a few weeks don’t have feelings, 13 year olds do. They matter more.

Oh come off it.

I’m pro choice also. But believe she should absolutely prioritise her living, breathing teenage children and their real-life circumstances rather than an unborn baby blissfully unaware of the chaos.

No matter how hard it is for your dc, children do not get to decide if mum or dad have more children!

Can you imagine the OP's ex husband or 'ex'-boyfriend asking the children's permission before having another child!

I think you need to decide if you will go ahead with pregnancy, and if so, inform everyone separately. Hopefully, the children will handle it if you make sure you present it in the right way to them.

I had a friend who had several kids and was pregnant again, she worried how the existing children would cope, and as far as I know they did.

I think people need to lay off the abortion "advice"
I'm 100% pro choice. But once someone's said they want their baby, let it be. Its as bad as telling someone to keep a baby they don't want.

Absolutely this....the needs of your two children already struggling to adapt should come above all else in this situation.

It is your body and your choice but you would do well to think of your children OP and stop flip flopping between two men constantly. Your children really need you now and to be very frank you are throwing a lot of things into the mix and quite frankly don’t seem to be putting their interests first.

This is going to sound harsh but I think you should seriously consider ending the pregnancy. It will be your second family and your new man’s 3rd family. The new baby will be expensive and tiring just at the point when your teens need you most. Support the family you have and prioritise them.

Maybe OP knows that if she has an abortion it will destroy her mentally, and in that way she is putting her existing children first. I had a termination for medical reasons and I almost ended up in the psychiatric ward. That was not a great time for my DD, believe me. I am still on antidepressants now and it was 10 years ago.

I would think very carefully. Also, I’d take into consideration if you do continue with the pregnancy, you’ll most likely be doing it alone.

The thing that stands out to me is that the new man is happy to move 3 hours away from the two younger children for a woman he’s been casually dating. That screams red flags to me and I wouldn’t expect him to be reliable.

You also need to consider you will be almost 60 by the time the child turns 18. If you really do want the baby and have the support then continue with the pregnancy. If you’ve just found out I presume you have a while to decide.

I’d also nip it in the bud with ds. He can be upset about you moving on but he can’t emotionally blackmail you.

I can’t see any positive outcomes in having this baby

I’m going to sound harsh here, but I mean this with kindness. You have fucked up royally here and have made some very silly and selfish decisions. Do not do anything else until you’ve got your head straight because the more you’re doing, the deeper of a mess you’re getting into.

I understand but me and ExH had been struggling for a good few years before the final split - in fact we cohabited for 2 whole years because he didn’t want to leave the children and I didn’t want to put anyone in that position
We then got back together and sadly a year or so later it still wasn’t working So, realistically, unless either you or ExH have had a dramatic shift in personality/outlook/behaviours, it’s not going to work out if you give it a third try. It was really bloody unfair of you to tell your exH that you thought you’d made a mistake until you were certain it was him you wanted and that you weren’t just missing another adult being there. He now thinks all will be ok and he’ll be back at home in the next few weeks, all the time you know you’re not certain of how you feel. You can’t mess about with people’s feelings like that. It’s cruel. If you know someone wants to be with you, you don’t tell them you want that too unless you are absolutely certain

I’m not going to advise you on whether or not you should keep the pregnancy because it’s you who’ll have to live with the consequences. But I think you should think very, very carefully about how your DS will react to this child and whether he’ll want to live with his dad if you go ahead with the pregnancy. You might think that you’ll be keeping the new man and your DC completely separate, but will he not want to see his child? Will you be able to keep him away outside of the times your DC will be with their father? What if he goes for 50/50 custody? But on the other hand, you hardly know him and it’s a really short time to have a child in. What if he does freak out and tell you you’re on your own? Can you raise 3 children alone? Are you prepared for the possibility of that?

You’ve got some serious thinking to do. Do NOT make any decisions or tell anyone anything until you know what you want. And when you’re making your choices, you need to take into account the effect on the children, potentially all three of them, as well as being fair to both exH and the new man. That doesn’t mean doing exactly what they want. It means being honest with them and not messing them about. Most importantly, you need to remember that you don’t have to be with either of them and that there is an option of being by yourself for a while.

I’ve already commented @MaddieInAmess and then now I have read all your posts properly - am really sorry for what you’re going through and the decisions you have to make.
Reading your posts in more detail, it doesn’t sound like either of the guys are great for you and it does sound like you’ve really tried with your ex.
This means you could end up in a rented accommodation as a single mum with 3 children and with very little maintenance coming in. This means you will have to work, and work quite hard for a long time.
Finally, given your baby could be going to uni as you turn 60, you will still need to be working until then.
A young child all through your 40s will make it more difficult to meet anyone else to settle down with.
This is what I went through and it’s tough x

I agree, even if she doesn’t get back with DH I don’t think she should be bringing a baby into the current situation with her kids still unsettled from the breakup and the other guy living 3 hours away and has his own kids etc.

You need to go and talk this over with a counsellor as soon as you possibly can

But you also have to put your existing children first.

Not yet it's not!

I would reconsider this pregnancy too.

Your kids are already unsettled. With all you have written, you are not settled enough yourself to bring a new baby into the mix. It isn't fair to your kids or to a baby.

You are renting. Financially how will you cope with a third child?