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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband's evening hobby making things hard

635 replies

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 12:44

This is a long one.
Husband has a hobby that he used to, pre parenthood, attend 4/5 evenings a week. He would be out of the house from 17:30-20:30.
Once we had our child, this reduced to 2 times a week, with the occasional extra night in where he could.

I found that I was doing ALL the household chores etc and found it extremely overwhelming, trying to ensure dinner, bath and bed was sorted as well as everything else.
I am back at work 4 days a week. Currently, my daughter goes to my mums on a Tuesday for the night. On a Tuesday, we agreed my husband can do his hobby, as well as a Friday. As long as dinner was prepped for us. Daughter is at nursery Friday and an absolutely exhausted terror afterwards.
I collect my daughter on Wednesdays and as my mum is an hour away, this takes a large part of my evening as I finish work at 5.

Husband has been having issues and is now having therapy on Tuesdays. So hadn’t been doing his hobby on Tuesdays. My husband approached me and said his therapist has informed him it would appear he isn’t getting enough time to get his rush of adrenaline etc etc.

Come September, my mum can no longer have my daughter on Tuesday nights.

My husband has asked if he can continue going two nights a week come September. The issue is, it’s during dinner, bath and bedtime. And our daughter isn’t a great sleeper. Often taking an hour to get to sleep, and then waking numerous times before we go to bed ourselves.

my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her. I therefore find it very difficult to leave him with her as I feel guilty for both of them.

I find it very overwhelming trying to do everything and I think it’s unfair when my husband could try find a hobby for after bed time, or on a weekend!

i also have therapy on Thursdays for my anxiety issues and so don’t have those free.

am I being unfair?

OP posts:
Original poster
IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 12:48

also - he has also asked if I’d be annoyed if he were to join the marines part time… he used to be in army and ta and this took up so many weekends.
We have no family near (parents an hour away) and two dogs so I am stuck home unable to do much whilst he is gone!

OP posts:
CluelessAboutBiology · 07/05/2025 12:49

He doesn’t seem to enjoy being a father.

pikkumyy77 · 07/05/2025 12:51

Oh just end it. He is massively self indulgent and “needs” ” his adrenaline? He could get it from childcare. But he won’t. He wants to be absent from your life. Eventually he will run out or spend so much time away you will be abandoned anyway.

LilacMay · 07/05/2025 12:51

You’re not being unfair!!

He’s letting you suck up all the mental stress whilst he wants to swan out 3 nights a week to do therapy and hobby. Therapy fair enough, hobby needs to take the sacrifice

also assume you get NO me time

my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her. I therefore find it very difficult to leave him with her as I feel guilty for both of them.

these crappy dads and husbands do my head in on MN

2024onwardsandup · 07/05/2025 12:51

Bollocks his therapist said that

Lyra87 · 07/05/2025 12:52

I feel for you OP, and your DH. You're both struggling, but it feels like you're the one who has to grin and bear it while you support him and you get very little in return. It's a bigger issue than his hobby. I think couple counselling might help here.

Mumofteenandtween · 07/05/2025 12:52

So he doesn’t like doing dinner, bath and bed alone but he thinks that you should what? Love it?

I would tell him that from now on he can choose how many nights a week he goes out as long as he is happy for you to do the same. And then do it. Even if you have to join a stamp collecting class!

Pompompurin1 · 07/05/2025 12:52

Ugh. It’s all about him isn’t it. And I do think therapy encourages people to be selfish e.g.

My husband approached me and said his therapist has informed him it would appear he isn’t getting enough time to get his rush of adrenaline etc etc.

well that may be true but when you have small kids you don’t get to do all the things you want and need!

2 nights per week and the marines on the weekends is too much. One night a week out the house and escaping bath and bedtime is enough. And you should get your night off too (he will need to learn to cope with his child).

DrummingMousWife · 07/05/2025 12:53

Well no it’s not ok. Tell him you are doing an activity twice a week and therapy on Wednesdays, so he can have the other days. Once the colour returns to his face and he stands up again, inform him this was a joke but will be a reality if he keeps taking the piss.

cadburyegg · 07/05/2025 12:53

2 nights a week for a hobby is perfectly reasonable but joining the marines isn’t.

Leave your daughter with him more often and tell him to get a grip on looking after her properly. Otherwise you’ll grow to resent him.

Bananalanacake · 07/05/2025 12:54

He struggles with his own DD, or can't be bothered to do any parenting.

TomatoSandwiches · 07/05/2025 12:55

What is the fucking point of him exactly?

Gymmum82 · 07/05/2025 12:55

I do think it’s unfair that he can’t have a hobby 2 nights a week. But also you should get equal time to yourself.
Myself and my husband both have hobbies and have never given them up even when the kids have been small and difficult.
You need to work together to find a solution. Even if you just end it you’ll then end up with 100% of the childcare so it’s not going to be any easier.
Neither of you sound like you’re really enjoying parenthood

theemmadilemma · 07/05/2025 12:55

No the to TA for now.

Yes to two nights a week hobby provided he steps up around the house, and you get two nights off where he does bedtime alone.

What's good for the goose...

Tiswa · 07/05/2025 12:55

I think you need a long hard chat given you are both in therapy.

show him the chores say you cannot do them all if he wants to do his hobby/therapy/marines he needs to do 50% of the chores of the admin and off the childcare and give you the same amount of time free as well.

if there isn’t enough time well then let’s take something of the table until it is able to do.

because you are a team not an employee who role is to make sure his life works fine. You are sinking too

if he won’t compromise I am not sure this is a relationship

beetr00 · 07/05/2025 12:55

@IGB9723 are you in the U.S.?

Original poster
IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 12:56

Lyra87 · 07/05/2025 12:52

I feel for you OP, and your DH. You're both struggling, but it feels like you're the one who has to grin and bear it while you support him and you get very little in return. It's a bigger issue than his hobby. I think couple counselling might help here.

We’re having couples therapy on 2 Wednesdays a month too! He told our counsellor he was happy with our arrangement - two nights a week while my mum has our daughter for one of the nights. But it’s never enough. Feel like he always wants more.

OP posts:
SErunner · 07/05/2025 12:56

Marines firm no. Hobbies not entirely unreasonable in my opinion so long as he is pulling his weight in other ways (which at the moment it sounds like he isn’t). There are other issues which are making the hobbies seem like the problem - your daughters sleep, his relationship/confidence caring for her, and his lack of contribution to the household tasks. I’d focus on tackling those rather than arguing about the hobby. I’d also get yourself some hobbies and get out of the house one or two nights a week if you want to.

LilacMay · 07/05/2025 12:56

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 12:56

We’re having couples therapy on 2 Wednesdays a month too! He told our counsellor he was happy with our arrangement - two nights a week while my mum has our daughter for one of the nights. But it’s never enough. Feel like he always wants more.

Show quote history

Yeah he wants to be less of a loving husband and father and more of a single I can do what I want attitude

yoshiblue · 07/05/2025 12:57

Absolute piss taker! You are in the trenches when you have a young child and hobbies take a back seat. One night a week for a hobby and you get the same. He needs to step up looking after his child or dump him!

Goodadvice1980 · 07/05/2025 12:58

2024onwardsandup · 07/05/2025 12:51

Bollocks his therapist said that

Just what I was thinking!

Original poster
IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 12:58

theemmadilemma · 07/05/2025 12:55

No the to TA for now.

Yes to two nights a week hobby provided he steps up around the house, and you get two nights off where he does bedtime alone.

What's good for the goose...

This is the issue though, he feels if I’m not doing something like exercise it’s not good enough. There is also often not the time in the week for me to have that time off. There’s too much to do. We have two dogs that need taking care of too.

OP posts:
LilacMay · 07/05/2025 12:58

To be honest you both need to sit down and agree on a compromise. No to the marines, but yes to therapy and hobbies for you both during the week.

Original poster
IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 12:58

yoshiblue · 07/05/2025 12:57

Absolute piss taker! You are in the trenches when you have a young child and hobbies take a back seat. One night a week for a hobby and you get the same. He needs to step up looking after his child or dump him!

Edited

Tbh I’d be more than happy for one night a week. But when we’re both working, two nights is just that extra that tips you over the edge (when my daughter isn’t at my mums for that night)

OP posts:
Original poster
IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:00

beetr00 · 07/05/2025 12:55

@IGB9723 are you in the U.S.?

The UK

OP posts: