Page 3 | Husband's evening hobby making things hard

IGB9723 · 2025-05-07T11:44:14+00:00

This is a long one. Husband has a hobby that he used to, pre parenthood, attend 4/5 evenings a week. He would be out of the house from 17:30-20:30. Once we had our child, this reduced to 2 times a week, with the occasional extra night in where he could. I found that I was doing ALL the household chores etc and found it extremely overwhelming, trying to ensure dinner, bath and bed was sorted as well as everything else. I am back at work 4 days a week. Currently, my daughter goes to my mums on a Tuesday for the night. On a Tuesday, we agreed my husband can do his hobby, as well as a Friday. As long as dinner was prepped for us. Daughter is at nursery Friday and an absolutely exhausted terror afterwards. I collect my daughter on Wednesdays and as my mum is an hour away, this takes a large part of my evening as I finish work at 5. Husband has been having issues and is now having therapy on Tuesdays. So hadn’t been doing his hobby on Tuesdays. My husband approached me and said his therapist has informed him it would appear he isn’t getting enough time to get his rush of adrenaline etc etc. Come September, my mum can no longer have my daughter on Tuesday nights. My husband has asked if he can continue going two nights a week come September. The issue is, it’s during dinner, bath and bedtime. And our daughter isn’t a great sleeper. Often taking an hour to get to sleep, and then waking numerous times before we go to bed ourselves. my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her. I therefore find it very difficult to leave him with her as I feel guilty for both of them. I find it very overwhelming trying to do everything and I think it’s unfair when my husband could try find a hobby for after bed time, or on a weekend! i also have therapy on Thursdays for my anxiety issues and so don’t have those free. am I being unfair?

Original poster

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:10

Monvelo · 07/05/2025 13:08

Gosh it just sounds like everyone is unhappy in life. 3 lots of therapy going on. I'm not sure tinkering around the edges will fix things... Having said that things get incrementally easier with more sleep in the mix...

Yes agreed. I think I’m frustrated because we’re working on our issues and we have one good day and it’s like everything has gone back to normal and we don’t need to continue trying. Add in all other hobbies etc etc.

OP posts:

MrsMitford3 · 07/05/2025 13:10

@IGB9723 the thing is he will never get better or more confident looking after HIS DD unless he puts the time in.

And I agree therapy can make you very centred in yourself but I categorically dispute that the therapist told him he needed more adrenalin.
That seems like self serving bollocks.

He seems to be fighting being in a relationship and having a DC and all of his behaviour seems to be better suited to a single man.
He doesn't look at from your point of view/or of being in a partnership or compromise at all does he?

Monvelo · 07/05/2025 13:10

I can't see things changing. He doesn't want them to.

Sunbline · 07/05/2025 13:11

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:05

My dad was in the army too and I’ve spoken to my mum about this. He was in army first before they met. They knew the drill and how it was going to be.
i didn’t sign up for a husband not helping care for our daughter during the week.

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You sort of did though, he did his hobby 5 nights a week before having a child, although it was agreed he'd drop down to 2 it was obvious his hobby is a huge deal to him and it wouldn't be easy. Him being ex forces adds another element. I doubt this will get any better even with therapy tbh, everyone seems miserable and sadly you can't force someone to be a supportive, engaged father and partner. I'd consider if its worth it for you and what kind of life you want for yourself and your child.

OatFlatWhiteForMe · 07/05/2025 13:11

In all honesty what does he bring to your life?
Everything seems to be about his wants and needs. When you had a trial separation he fell apart, he couldn’t cope without you… but would you perhaps thrive without him?

Would the evenings be easier without considering his needs, preparing him a meal, waiting to use the washing machine as his hobby kit is coming, only tidying up after you and DD? I would be evaluating the future I want for me and my child if I were you. X

EuclidianGeometryFan · 07/05/2025 13:11

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:02

Well, we had three months apart where I lived with my mum recently to test the waters… he didn’t do his hobby once.
He missed us and began falling apart.
he has started picking up more around the house, don’t get me wrong. But he could not do more if he had our daughter alone two nights a week. He would hate it.
She is amazing, but hard work. I think if he did he hobby one evening a week and one weekend day it’d be fine! But his hobby is limited to weeknights and he won’t compromise.

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Well, we had three months apart where I lived with my mum recently to test the waters… he didn’t do his hobby once.
He missed us and began falling apart.

But that was temporary (you were staying at your mum's), and clearly a crisis type of situation. It is not an indication of how he would be if you properly separated, once the crisis of separation was over and things settled down. You may find he picked himself up and got on with his life surprisingly quickly.

These are your choices:

Option one
Stay with him. You carry on doing the vast majority of housework and childcare, and have minimal time together as a couple. Have constant struggles with how much time he has out of the house, and how little housework and childcare he does. The resentment will build over the years, or you will just eventually give up trying to change him and make peace with it. You may never forgive him.

Option two
Separate. You will be a single parent doing it all yourself (but you are mainly doing it all yourself now). You will get over the resentment, build your own life, and if he has the DC overnights you will get your own time without having to pay a babysitter.

DecayedStrumpet · 07/05/2025 13:12

Are these anger issues of his coming out at work, or only at home?

MummaMummaMumma · 07/05/2025 13:12

He's being very selfish. He wants all this free time, what about you? You should be getting the exact same.
And why on earth is he not able to look after his child? He doesn't find it fulfilling? That poor baby.
Does he actually make our life better? How did you feel during your trial separation?

LilacMay · 07/05/2025 13:12

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:10

Yes agreed. I think I’m frustrated because we’re working on our issues and we have one good day and it’s like everything has gone back to normal and we don’t need to continue trying. Add in all other hobbies etc etc.

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Ok so he’s shown you multiple times now that he’s not the father or husband you want / need so why are you continuing to put up with it and letting him get away with doing what he wants?

wizzywig · 07/05/2025 13:12

Op you kindly answered my post. Please look at what you wrote, he is impacting on your mental health. This isn't good. Why is his happiness more important than yours?

ballroompink · 07/05/2025 13:13

Sorry but anger issues as well...making your mental health worse, doesn't enjoy parenting, expects to live his life as he wants without any regard for you - it feels like if he can't or won't change, you'd be better off without him.

Original poster

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:13

SergeantDawkins · 07/05/2025 13:08

He’s not going to get any better at doing DC bedtime alone unless he actually does it. Surely he can do one night a week “alone” - while you’re getting a few chores done, walking the dogs or popping to the shops quickly - in exchange for a night off to do his hobby.

We share bedtime routines. He usually does 40% of bedtimes.
if he does bed time I cook and bath daughter. Then tidy and sort out everything for next day whilst he is doing that. And vice versa. On the days he has his hobby, I have to do everything…
I also don’t think it’s fair that in exchange for doing his hobby, I get to “do some chores” or “walk the dogs”…

OP posts:

MadamCholetsbonnet · 07/05/2025 13:14

Oh mate. It’s time to pull the plug on this shitshow isn’t it?

OneRareCritic · 07/05/2025 13:15

Being ex forces your DP will also be only too familiar with relationships breaking down so even though he 'fell apart' when you went to your parents before, he would probably have accepted the break up and then he could rejoin the TA no probs and see your daughter on the weekends he is not on camp. I suspect that for him that could be a win.

Original poster

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:15

DecayedStrumpet · 07/05/2025 13:12

Are these anger issues of his coming out at work, or only at home?

Only at home. He’s always had them since we knew, regardless of how much adrenaline rushes he got or exercise. Think his therapist is chatting shit or my husband is exaggerating what has been said.

OP posts:

LurkyMcLurkinson · 07/05/2025 13:15

How often are your needs met and by who? When you highlight that his needs always seem to be the priority over both you and your child what’s his response? If he doesn’t need to do the hobby when you’re not living together does he acknowledge he’s using it as a coping mechanism and an escape?

Codlingmoths · 07/05/2025 13:15

’Dh, I think you’re telling me that your therapist says you can only be happy if you take much more from your relationship than you give. I can’t live with that so let’s separate again, permanently.’

i dont see any other solution. You get no time and all he wants is more more more me more me why aren’t you supporting enough and no you don’t deserve to go out if you’re not exercising me my more meeeeee.

SouthLondonMum22 · 07/05/2025 13:16

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:13

We share bedtime routines. He usually does 40% of bedtimes.
if he does bed time I cook and bath daughter. Then tidy and sort out everything for next day whilst he is doing that. And vice versa. On the days he has his hobby, I have to do everything…
I also don’t think it’s fair that in exchange for doing his hobby, I get to “do some chores” or “walk the dogs”…

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So if he is alone when he does it, what is the difference?

He needs to parent his child. Hobbies can't come before that and I agree, you need more in return than just walking the dogs.

persikmeow · 07/05/2025 13:17

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:07

I would be selfish, of course! “You knew that’s when my hobby is!”
he works 8-5 so gets there on time for hobby! Hobby doesn’t start till 18:30 but work is 45 mins from home and wouldn’t make sense to come home first so works longer.

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So twice a week he doesn’t see his child and you do all the dinner / bedtime / cleaning up? Doesn’t sound great if he isn’t prepared to do the same on two other days a week.

I have a very different situation at home but if in your example I would agree to doing two nights a week, I would expect him to make dinner the night before (so I just have to warm up), and clean up after he gets back home (as a minimum). And I would want to have time for my own hobbies.

Joining the marines - fuck no. Whilst I’d be prepared to solo parent for a bit at the weekend to give him a break, I expect the same in return.

gamerchick · 07/05/2025 13:17

His therapist said no such thing.

I'd be telling him he can do what he wants, once he's moved out and set up somewhere else. Yes it's hard on your own but it's hard and emotionally hard when there's someone else there who doesn't do their bit. One less adult to look after lightens the load.

Tiswa · 07/05/2025 13:18

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:02

Well, we had three months apart where I lived with my mum recently to test the waters… he didn’t do his hobby once.
He missed us and began falling apart.
he has started picking up more around the house, don’t get me wrong. But he could not do more if he had our daughter alone two nights a week. He would hate it.
She is amazing, but hard work. I think if he did he hobby one evening a week and one weekend day it’d be fine! But his hobby is limited to weeknights and he won’t compromise.

Show quote history

Would you want to move back now OP because it seems as if he had you back so you would do what he needs you to do not because he misses you

Original poster

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:18

Sunbline · 07/05/2025 13:11

You sort of did though, he did his hobby 5 nights a week before having a child, although it was agreed he'd drop down to 2 it was obvious his hobby is a huge deal to him and it wouldn't be easy. Him being ex forces adds another element. I doubt this will get any better even with therapy tbh, everyone seems miserable and sadly you can't force someone to be a supportive, engaged father and partner. I'd consider if its worth it for you and what kind of life you want for yourself and your child.

Show quote history

Well, we’d actually had a few discussions and it was dropped to three nights a week after I said he was being selfish (working full time; part time degree and 5 nights at Muay Thai and the TA) so he has massively improved.
he also promised once we did have a child we would be the priority, and he would still need an outlet but it would work around us. Which it doesn’t.

OP posts:

LadyDanburysHat · 07/05/2025 13:19

Codlingmoths · 07/05/2025 13:15

’Dh, I think you’re telling me that your therapist says you can only be happy if you take much more from your relationship than you give. I can’t live with that so let’s separate again, permanently.’

i dont see any other solution. You get no time and all he wants is more more more me more me why aren’t you supporting enough and no you don’t deserve to go out if you’re not exercising me my more meeeeee.

This! Honestly, he is selfish, and you are doing nearly all of it anyway. This is never going to improve.

SJM1988 · 07/05/2025 13:19

2 night a week hobby time is perfectly reasonable....adding joining the marines is not. I think especially if this therapist is also saying his hobby time would be beneficial to him, I would make an effort to make it work.

Its take planning. I'd suggest you sit down and lay on the table what your expectations are and what his expectations are and come to some compromise.

I have bad sleepers so I get it! But you need to make sure both you and you DH get that needed hobby time (whether it is exercise or just you time). You need time to not be the parents for an hour or so every now and again.

Me and DH both have 2 evenings a week each for hobby time, scheduled around children's activities (DS7 and DD3). I do dinner and bath on his hobby time nights (he is back for bedtime). He does bath and bed on my hobby time nights (I do dinner before I leave).
Cleaning happens at weekends around the kids activities.

Its taken work and a few changes to the schedule but it finally works - our youngest is 3.

2JFDIYOLO · 07/05/2025 13:19

I'm sorry, you're not going to like hearing this:

He doesn't like being part of a family

He doesn't like being married

He doesn't like being your husband

He doesn't like being a father

He doesn't like being at home

What he does like is his little hobby that conveniently takes him away from aaaaaaall those distractions, and a flying monkey therapist who's agreeing with him that he neeeeeeeeeeds this.

Oh and now he's going into the military?

He's left already.