Husband's evening hobby making things hard

[IGB9723]

This is a long one.
Husband has a hobby that he used to, pre parenthood, attend 4/5 evenings a week. He would be out of the house from 17:30-20:30.
Once we had our child, this reduced to 2 times a week, with the occasional extra night in where he could.

I found that I was doing ALL the household chores etc and found it extremely overwhelming, trying to ensure dinner, bath and bed was sorted as well as everything else.
I am back at work 4 days a week. Currently, my daughter goes to my mums on a Tuesday for the night. On a Tuesday, we agreed my husband can do his hobby, as well as a Friday. As long as dinner was prepped for us. Daughter is at nursery Friday and an absolutely exhausted terror afterwards.
I collect my daughter on Wednesdays and as my mum is an hour away, this takes a large part of my evening as I finish work at 5.

Husband has been having issues and is now having therapy on Tuesdays. So hadn’t been doing his hobby on Tuesdays. My husband approached me and said his therapist has informed him it would appear he isn’t getting enough time to get his rush of adrenaline etc etc.

Come September, my mum can no longer have my daughter on Tuesday nights.

My husband has asked if he can continue going two nights a week come September. The issue is, it’s during dinner, bath and bedtime. And our daughter isn’t a great sleeper. Often taking an hour to get to sleep, and then waking numerous times before we go to bed ourselves.

my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her. I therefore find it very difficult to leave him with her as I feel guilty for both of them.

I find it very overwhelming trying to do everything and I think it’s unfair when my husband could try find a hobby for after bed time, or on a weekend!

i also have therapy on Thursdays for my anxiety issues and so don’t have those free.

am I being unfair?

He sounds horrible is his hobby "the gym," so he work out and look at himself in a mirror by any chance?

THIS!!

Take the same amount of free time as him - this is crucial for working out what your marriage and child mean to him

I suspect your marriage won't survive 2 weeks of him having to do any solo parenting and extra house chores

Then you will see that life would be easier without him

Does he have PTSD?

Fuck me, does this prince of a man have a brother. Asking for the women of the world!

Also, please encourage him to get the snip so when you throw the useless bastard out he doesn't create any more children.

Some therapists are awful and just make matters worse.

This is not uncommon at all in relationships when young kids are involved

the man keeps centering himself and putting his needs first

the woman put a tge family/kids needs first, then the husband, and only then herself

You need to start to think a bit like a man, if you want more fairness and if you want to continue your relationship with this selfish man.

so book yourself equal amounts of nights off where he does EVERYTHING (just like you do)

leave your mum out of the equation and only get her to babysit if it is for YOUR sake and YOUR event

honestly, this is a very common thing in marriage and I fought through it myself with the help of wise MNers

For me it ultimately worked when I acted more like a man, took up various hobbies and kept score about who got how many nights out etc. He was annoyed by my “score keeping” and complained we were never together if I wanted to be out 3x a week as well….

the alternative would have been divorce though

we are now 20 yrs in and still together, but it’s a fact that DH respected me a lot more once I became more “selfish” , sad as that may be. I got really good at my hobby though and made tonnes of new friends 🙂

good luck

No but his poor wife probably does being married to that waste of space.

Selfish git. What a convenient comment from his therapist.

see this would work, except his hobby is a specific time and would miss dinner, bath and bed. I’ve told him dinner has to be prepped beforehand and ready for me to heat. He has said yeah that’s fine, “but you need to help me plan it and sometimes you’ll have to make it”.
he even suggests making more portions of the dinner the bight before for us to have again.

but then he never does any of it, because we simply don’t have the time. So it just doesn’t work. Yet he still goes to his hobby and doesn’t understand why I’m a wreck when he gets back.

I’m happy to make time for hobbies, but I think twice during the week is a bit much. I’m supposed to be starting study and exams to qualify in my role in the next year, but that just will not work as it is. And he wants more time for him.

Nor a husband for that matter!

my husband could try find a hobby for after bed time, or on a weekend!

He could. But he doesn’t want to.

but you have bigger problems here. A husband who can’t cope alone with his own child for starters.

I could not be with such a selfish, disrespectful, self-absorbed man. He's inadequate for you both, he can't manage anyone other than himself.

And I wouldn't want my child living with a man who puts her last after his job, his current hobbies, an extra adrenaline rush, volunteer army work, who doesn't pull his weight at home and frankly shows her with his actions that he'd rather be anywhere than at home with her. No better way to tell her she's not enough, and we all know people who have been damaged for life by this attitude from a parent.

Why do you need to give him so much rope? Don't you think you're worth more than this? Without him in your life you could do it all as you'd organise childcare around your needs, not his entirely selfish needs with you being thrown the odd optional luxury of doing chores or walking the dogs.

God I'm angry for you.

Whilst I agree. It is one of the reasons he is getting therapy. Although his therapist thinks it’s because he isn’t getting the adrenaline rush he needs.
did I also mention he thinks he needs to go somewhere specific on his bike for an adrenaline rush, and simply riding round the rural area we live won’t do that.::

Sorry I got the impression that you meant he didn’t do one on one bedtime with DD at all.
No I completely agree you shouldn’t be doing chores during that time. You’re right. I thought he wasn’t able to do bedtime alone, which meant you’d need to be around while he’s doing bedtime opposed to being totally off doing your own thing. Sorry if you’ve already said but do you have a hobby you’d like to do in your own time?

So the nights that he is doing DD bedtime you’re doing everything else, so when you’re doing DD bedtime shouldn’t he be the one doing everything else? Can he cook? Bathe DD? It feels like he gets the nice part reading a story and tucking in but no actual parental responsibility.

My partner spends a lot of time doing up cars and I often say that I'd rather he was playing around with cars than other women.
I had a boyfriend before him who went to the Territorial Army and he turned out to be a military fantasist, spending a lot of time in the pub talking about the military.

The Collins dictionary defines a hobby thus: "A hobby is an activity that you enjoy doing in your spare time." (The underlining is mine)

As he has no spare time, between therapy and parenting responsibilities, he should have no hobby until the kids get older. It really is that simple.

Get rid.. Bet yuri anxiety lifts a hell of a lot then.
Is joining the foreign legion still A Thing? Pack his bags and send him off.
He is Bob Useless...

The thing is. He is so loving with her. He loves seeing her and she brightens up his day. But when it comes to the responsibility and the difficult parts, he’d rather be out doing his hobby.

This is not a fair division of labour. No to TA for now. Maybe when DC is older….?
Good luck op.

The therapist was probably just reflecting back / rephrasing what he'd been saying himself, to try to get him to reflect on it or find solutions.

Therapist: "It sounds like you miss those bigger adrenaline rushes?" [... why do you think that is...? Is there a way you can achieve the same feeling without leaving your family in the lurch...?]

Useless Husband: "Yes, exactly! Now can you persuade my awful nagging wife to get off my case and let me chase that high?"

Oh don’t, he’s mentioned the foreign legion before too

Has he got PTSD from active service and needing to be immersed and diverted the whole time to avoid having to deal with it? Does he need more/ different therapy?

Nah he needs to fuck off the hobby and attend some dads parenting classes and support groups for dads to get his confidence up being a goddamn parent.

I reckon that’s some of his issue around needing therapy is He’s not doing well at ‘dad/husband’ stuff so isn’t satisfied and is checking out. Hobbies aren’t going to fix it.

being a better father will and the only way for that to work is getting into the thick of it and learning the hard way. Doing it.

Oh the vague “hobby” nonsense.

Kick him out, that surely will give him the adrenaline rush he needs. If he falls apart not being with you, sucks to be him.