Husband's evening hobby making things hard

[IGB9723]

This is a long one.
Husband has a hobby that he used to, pre parenthood, attend 4/5 evenings a week. He would be out of the house from 17:30-20:30.
Once we had our child, this reduced to 2 times a week, with the occasional extra night in where he could.

I found that I was doing ALL the household chores etc and found it extremely overwhelming, trying to ensure dinner, bath and bed was sorted as well as everything else.
I am back at work 4 days a week. Currently, my daughter goes to my mums on a Tuesday for the night. On a Tuesday, we agreed my husband can do his hobby, as well as a Friday. As long as dinner was prepped for us. Daughter is at nursery Friday and an absolutely exhausted terror afterwards.
I collect my daughter on Wednesdays and as my mum is an hour away, this takes a large part of my evening as I finish work at 5.

Husband has been having issues and is now having therapy on Tuesdays. So hadn’t been doing his hobby on Tuesdays. My husband approached me and said his therapist has informed him it would appear he isn’t getting enough time to get his rush of adrenaline etc etc.

Come September, my mum can no longer have my daughter on Tuesday nights.

My husband has asked if he can continue going two nights a week come September. The issue is, it’s during dinner, bath and bedtime. And our daughter isn’t a great sleeper. Often taking an hour to get to sleep, and then waking numerous times before we go to bed ourselves.

my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her. I therefore find it very difficult to leave him with her as I feel guilty for both of them.

I find it very overwhelming trying to do everything and I think it’s unfair when my husband could try find a hobby for after bed time, or on a weekend!

i also have therapy on Thursdays for my anxiety issues and so don’t have those free.

am I being unfair?

Is there an update on this?
How is OP doing?
Sending hugs 🫂

He needs to up on everything.
You're a team. A partnership.
He needs to do more at home.
He won't bond with his daughter if he doesn't try.

Have you asked if he wants to be with you all?

@MusicMakesItAllBetter maybe she should be asking herself if SHE wants to be with him at all….

Oh 100% however I think I'd be asking him if this marriage and set up is what he wants otherwise please feel free to leave and we can sort arrangements through the courts

Not sure it is as simple as that. I would say there are very few perfect marriages and marriages have to be worked on continually, because the grass really isn't better in the next field, so to speak.

It is so true that the closer you get to a promising view, all the bare patches show.

Agree that things need to be worked at.
15 years with DP and trust me I've put a lot of work into our relationship and we're not even married. Engaged never to be married I say lol

But if he's not prepared to team up, then what is OP getting from her marriage?

I can be pretty black and white in how I see things and I know things aren't just simply done but where there's a will there's always a way.
I know I wouldn't have it. I didn't. He had to change or he went and thankfully he stepped up.

Sooner or later you may have to cope without him.

Suck it up and start to put things in place for you. Find yourself again.

He will either be off doing marines, or leaving on the longer term because he "wants more"
and you want him home.

Yeah he is being incredibly selfish but he is not hiding his needs from you. You are more focussed on your child and not him and like it or not attention iscwhat we all want. Grow without him, learn to drive, make some new friends, get out and about. Do things for you. He sounds a bit bored and my bet is he will feel he wants to stay if interesting things are happening, weather you want him to when you come out of the cocoon is another matter.

What about YOUR mental and physical health? His therapist is encouraging selfish behaviour, rather than letting him reflect on the situation as a whole. He is a dad, and you are working. This is unreasonable.

I’ve read the full thread now @IGB9723and i have to say how sad it makes me. Your husband is stealing from you. He is stealing your time, your energy and headspace, and if he continues to do this he will steal your future career and financial stability.

I was adamant I wouldn’t end up a single parent. I was married for ten years before I got pregnant but once a child is here the woman can find herself in an absolute bind because that child needs taking care of and if the man absolves himself of responsibility it really is down to the mother.

My DD has ADHD and was a bit of a handful. We both worked full time. I guess ex- husband did 30% share. Doesn’t sound too bad does it? Meant that I was doing 70% after a full time job though. I guess you’re doing 90% from what you say.

I called and called him out on it I was so resentful and angry and eventually when DD was five, as per PP above, he bolted.

Fortunately my career was in place by that time so we’ve never struggled for money although I’ve had some dark times over the years, but never as bad as the anger I felt when I was being exploited.

I guess I am still being exploited because I’ve brought up his daughter alone while he moved away and predictably is a Disney Dad occasionally.

DD is a teenager now and our life is utter bliss. Peaceful, fun and we are so close.

Life goes by so quickly please get your qualifications and leave him. You will soar without this millstone around your neck.

He's a single guy with the benefits of a cook, cleaner, nanny and skivvy. He didn't like being apart because he had to adult then, I'd tell him to enjoy hobbies seven days a week, leave because if you stay he'd be constantly crying to come back, what an absolute man baby and waste of space.