Page 2 | Husband's evening hobby making things hard

IGB9723 · 2025-05-07T11:44:14+00:00

This is a long one. Husband has a hobby that he used to, pre parenthood, attend 4/5 evenings a week. He would be out of the house from 17:30-20:30. Once we had our child, this reduced to 2 times a week, with the occasional extra night in where he could. I found that I was doing ALL the household chores etc and found it extremely overwhelming, trying to ensure dinner, bath and bed was sorted as well as everything else. I am back at work 4 days a week. Currently, my daughter goes to my mums on a Tuesday for the night. On a Tuesday, we agreed my husband can do his hobby, as well as a Friday. As long as dinner was prepped for us. Daughter is at nursery Friday and an absolutely exhausted terror afterwards. I collect my daughter on Wednesdays and as my mum is an hour away, this takes a large part of my evening as I finish work at 5. Husband has been having issues and is now having therapy on Tuesdays. So hadn’t been doing his hobby on Tuesdays. My husband approached me and said his therapist has informed him it would appear he isn’t getting enough time to get his rush of adrenaline etc etc. Come September, my mum can no longer have my daughter on Tuesday nights. My husband has asked if he can continue going two nights a week come September. The issue is, it’s during dinner, bath and bedtime. And our daughter isn’t a great sleeper. Often taking an hour to get to sleep, and then waking numerous times before we go to bed ourselves. my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her. I therefore find it very difficult to leave him with her as I feel guilty for both of them. I find it very overwhelming trying to do everything and I think it’s unfair when my husband could try find a hobby for after bed time, or on a weekend! i also have therapy on Thursdays for my anxiety issues and so don’t have those free. am I being unfair?

LilacMay · 07/05/2025 13:00

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 12:58

Tbh I’d be more than happy for one night a week. But when we’re both working, two nights is just that extra that tips you over the edge (when my daughter isn’t at my mums for that night)

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And what would you say to your DD if she was in this position one day?

OrangeAndPistachio · 07/05/2025 13:00

I'd be interested to see how he would manage all of this personal time if you were to split and went 50/50 on childcare. It certainly sounds like the better option for you @IGB9723

LilacMay · 07/05/2025 13:01

OrangeAndPistachio · 07/05/2025 13:00

I'd be interested to see how he would manage all of this personal time if you were to split and went 50/50 on childcare. It certainly sounds like the better option for you @IGB9723

Unfortunately in the real world it doesn’t work that way, my friend had a lazy good for nothing partner who was similar to OP husband and he now only sees his kid once a week for 4 hours whilst my friend does everything

Cardinalita90 · 07/05/2025 13:02

I think the bigger question is whether he finds fatherhood/ family life fulfilling. It sounds like he doesn't and I think there's a risk as years go on he's just going to keep looking for new and additional ways to get him out of the house.

He can't have everything so he needs to decide for himself what gives - therapy, TA or Hobby.

Dartmoorcheffy · 07/05/2025 13:02

For God's sakes don't have another child

Original poster

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:02

OrangeAndPistachio · 07/05/2025 13:00

I'd be interested to see how he would manage all of this personal time if you were to split and went 50/50 on childcare. It certainly sounds like the better option for you @IGB9723

Well, we had three months apart where I lived with my mum recently to test the waters… he didn’t do his hobby once.
He missed us and began falling apart.
he has started picking up more around the house, don’t get me wrong. But he could not do more if he had our daughter alone two nights a week. He would hate it.
She is amazing, but hard work. I think if he did he hobby one evening a week and one weekend day it’d be fine! But his hobby is limited to weeknights and he won’t compromise.

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Howmanycatsistoomany · 07/05/2025 13:02

my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her. I therefore find it very difficult to leave him with her as I feel guilty for both of them.

What a pathetic excuse of a father. And now he wants to join the marines? Pack him a bag, you and your daughter will be better off without him.

OneRareCritic · 07/05/2025 13:03

I'm wondering if the decision to have a child was entirely mutual. A friend of mine is now having to face the fact that her husband would have preferred not to have any children but realised that his wife did want a family. They have one daughter. He has never been a hands on dad, but he has provided by working full time and at times has been the substantial financial contributor. My friend has learnt to accept the imbalance. I get the feeling that your husband is being more honest than most men about how he feels. My dad was in the RN, away for long periods. My parents marriage worked because they both accepted that being at home parent wasn't going to work for him and Mum realised how life would be from the start.

Original poster

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:04

Cardinalita90 · 07/05/2025 13:02

I think the bigger question is whether he finds fatherhood/ family life fulfilling. It sounds like he doesn't and I think there's a risk as years go on he's just going to keep looking for new and additional ways to get him out of the house.

He can't have everything so he needs to decide for himself what gives - therapy, TA or Hobby.

He’s already told me he doesn’t find it fulfilling. He’s said he isn’t one of those men, and needs more than just fatherhood family and one hobby.
he does also have warhammer which he gets to go do upstairs once a week too. FYI.
He is also away with work one/two days a month.

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persikmeow · 07/05/2025 13:04

I came to say “Didn’t we all have our hobbies pre parenthood?” but tbh this is particularly outrageous. Does he also work? Assume he’d have to leave early for a 5.30pm hobby? What would happen if you were to take up a hobby during those hours?

OrangeAndPistachio · 07/05/2025 13:05

@LilacMay oh , I know! My ex was the same , but in my experience when it was just me and the kids life was much easier than having to consider a useless adult in my daily plans. I genuinely feel like separation can be a huge improvement either way in most cases.

Original poster

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:05

OneRareCritic · 07/05/2025 13:03

I'm wondering if the decision to have a child was entirely mutual. A friend of mine is now having to face the fact that her husband would have preferred not to have any children but realised that his wife did want a family. They have one daughter. He has never been a hands on dad, but he has provided by working full time and at times has been the substantial financial contributor. My friend has learnt to accept the imbalance. I get the feeling that your husband is being more honest than most men about how he feels. My dad was in the RN, away for long periods. My parents marriage worked because they both accepted that being at home parent wasn't going to work for him and Mum realised how life would be from the start.

My dad was in the army too and I’ve spoken to my mum about this. He was in army first before they met. They knew the drill and how it was going to be.
i didn’t sign up for a husband not helping care for our daughter during the week.

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2024onwardsandup · 07/05/2025 13:06

OneRareCritic · 07/05/2025 13:03

I'm wondering if the decision to have a child was entirely mutual. A friend of mine is now having to face the fact that her husband would have preferred not to have any children but realised that his wife did want a family. They have one daughter. He has never been a hands on dad, but he has provided by working full time and at times has been the substantial financial contributor. My friend has learnt to accept the imbalance. I get the feeling that your husband is being more honest than most men about how he feels. My dad was in the RN, away for long periods. My parents marriage worked because they both accepted that being at home parent wasn't going to work for him and Mum realised how life would be from the start.

Well then he shouldn’t have had sex with her. The child his here - so he now has parental duties whether or not he wished jt

lots of women loathe day to day childcare - but they still do it and don’t fuck off to paint small statues for hours

Original poster

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:07

persikmeow · 07/05/2025 13:04

I came to say “Didn’t we all have our hobbies pre parenthood?” but tbh this is particularly outrageous. Does he also work? Assume he’d have to leave early for a 5.30pm hobby? What would happen if you were to take up a hobby during those hours?

I would be selfish, of course! “You knew that’s when my hobby is!”
he works 8-5 so gets there on time for hobby! Hobby doesn’t start till 18:30 but work is 45 mins from home and wouldn’t make sense to come home first so works longer.

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wizzywig · 07/05/2025 13:07

I think if you gave him all the time in the world for his hobbies, you'd be doing everything at home, he'd find a woman at his hobbies who has time for him. You're in a no win situation. His attitude may be impacting on your anxiety and your child being unsettled.

OrangeAndPistachio · 07/05/2025 13:07

@IGB9723 so he missed you facilitating his life? He sounds awful op.

LilacMay · 07/05/2025 13:08

OrangeAndPistachio · 07/05/2025 13:05

@LilacMay oh , I know! My ex was the same , but in my experience when it was just me and the kids life was much easier than having to consider a useless adult in my daily plans. I genuinely feel like separation can be a huge improvement either way in most cases.

I agree too, my friend used to be in tears watching her partner swan around doing what he wanted

At least now they’ve split she says she knows what’s happening and can deal with being the sole parent

Sofasloth · 07/05/2025 13:08

When do you get your hobbies, adrenaline fixes and geeky alone time? You would be far better of sharing parenting 50:50 and him as an ex!

Monvelo · 07/05/2025 13:08

Gosh it just sounds like everyone is unhappy in life. 3 lots of therapy going on. I'm not sure tinkering around the edges will fix things... Having said that things get incrementally easier with more sleep in the mix...

SergeantDawkins · 07/05/2025 13:08

He’s not going to get any better at doing DC bedtime alone unless he actually does it. Surely he can do one night a week “alone” - while you’re getting a few chores done, walking the dogs or popping to the shops quickly - in exchange for a night off to do his hobby.

theemmadilemma · 07/05/2025 13:08

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:02

Well, we had three months apart where I lived with my mum recently to test the waters… he didn’t do his hobby once.
He missed us and began falling apart.
he has started picking up more around the house, don’t get me wrong. But he could not do more if he had our daughter alone two nights a week. He would hate it.
She is amazing, but hard work. I think if he did he hobby one evening a week and one weekend day it’d be fine! But his hobby is limited to weeknights and he won’t compromise.

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Is that his limitation on it being week nights?

Original poster

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 13:08

wizzywig · 07/05/2025 13:07

I think if you gave him all the time in the world for his hobbies, you'd be doing everything at home, he'd find a woman at his hobbies who has time for him. You're in a no win situation. His attitude may be impacting on your anxiety and your child being unsettled.

His attitude massively impacts on my anxiety and I have tried to discuss this with him. We have discussed what works. But he now says for his mental health and anger issues he needs he’s hobby at least two nights a week plus further adrenaline rush

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ChoccieCornflake · 07/05/2025 13:09

Anger issues too?!! Oh heck bin him off, he sounds awful

Octavia64 · 07/05/2025 13:10

No, you are not being unfair.

i had one of these.

my DH desperately wanted kids and persuaded me into it.

once they arrived (twins) he didn’t actually want to spend that much time with them and spent lots of time away from the family doing expensive time
consuming hobbies.

i looked at my options - he wasn’t going to step up I terms of childcare or housework and the kids didn’t really like being around him nor him them.

so I asked him to contribute money instead (as he wasn’t going to contribute time or parenting) and we got a cleaner and I got support that way.

he was happy with this as he could throw money at the problem. I didn’t want to let my kids down so I became default parent.

it wasn’t the way I saw it working out when he was begging me to have kids early.

Brefugee · 07/05/2025 13:10

IGB9723 · 07/05/2025 12:56

We’re having couples therapy on 2 Wednesdays a month too! He told our counsellor he was happy with our arrangement - two nights a week while my mum has our daughter for one of the nights. But it’s never enough. Feel like he always wants more.

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he sounds selfish. In your next couples therapy you might like to bring up what his therapist said about him getting his adreneline rush, and when they think you ought to get yours.

Separately - ask your husband how he is going to handle 50/50 after you leave him.

Despite all the therapy, you two don't seem to be compatible though. Sorry.

ETA: missed that you had a 3 month trial separation. Go for 6 months. See how he likes that. You are not responsible for his mental health. You are responsible for your own mental health.