Husband's evening hobby making things hard

[IGB9723]

This is a long one.
Husband has a hobby that he used to, pre parenthood, attend 4/5 evenings a week. He would be out of the house from 17:30-20:30.
Once we had our child, this reduced to 2 times a week, with the occasional extra night in where he could.

I found that I was doing ALL the household chores etc and found it extremely overwhelming, trying to ensure dinner, bath and bed was sorted as well as everything else.
I am back at work 4 days a week. Currently, my daughter goes to my mums on a Tuesday for the night. On a Tuesday, we agreed my husband can do his hobby, as well as a Friday. As long as dinner was prepped for us. Daughter is at nursery Friday and an absolutely exhausted terror afterwards.
I collect my daughter on Wednesdays and as my mum is an hour away, this takes a large part of my evening as I finish work at 5.

Husband has been having issues and is now having therapy on Tuesdays. So hadn’t been doing his hobby on Tuesdays. My husband approached me and said his therapist has informed him it would appear he isn’t getting enough time to get his rush of adrenaline etc etc.

Come September, my mum can no longer have my daughter on Tuesday nights.

My husband has asked if he can continue going two nights a week come September. The issue is, it’s during dinner, bath and bedtime. And our daughter isn’t a great sleeper. Often taking an hour to get to sleep, and then waking numerous times before we go to bed ourselves.

my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her. I therefore find it very difficult to leave him with her as I feel guilty for both of them.

I find it very overwhelming trying to do everything and I think it’s unfair when my husband could try find a hobby for after bed time, or on a weekend!

i also have therapy on Thursdays for my anxiety issues and so don’t have those free.

am I being unfair?

So he does his hobby two night a week then 2 nights a week he does bedtime routine and evening chores. He’ll soon learn to cope with DD when he’s had some practice.

I’m struggling to understand what is so urgent those 2 nights though? He can pre-prepare dinner, slow cooker or cook & keep in fridge, and yes you have to do bath & bed but then you get 2 nights where you can do whatever you want.

2 nights a week really isn’t a huge ask, and there’s nothing that can’t wait until the following night for tidying etc.

Bollocks to that. He can put his trainers on and sprint round the block as many times as he likes once DD is in bed. That will sort out the need for Adrenalin.

Muay Thai, the Marines and anger issues....

Yep, all starting to make sense.

It’s very unlikely his therapist actually said this.

my dh got therapy when we had issues and he told me all kinds of shit that his therapist had supposedly said.

unless you’ve actually heard his therapist say it it’s almost certainly bullshit.

Is your daughter ‘difficult’ because of her father. It would seem so - absent avoidant parent with anger issues. Leave him and spare the both of you. He sounds an appalling embarrassment of a man

Look obviously he is being a dick but I'm struggling to fathom out this thread if I'm honest.

• You work four days a week, he works five. Is that correct? You look after DD on the fifth day?
• DD goes to your mum's an hour away for... two days and one night? So Tuesday daytime through to end of day Wednesday?
• On Tuesday he goes to therapy. On Thursday you go to therapy. On Wednesday you all go to therapy.
• On Friday he's doing his hobby? Or a different hobby? Or does that now happen at the weekend?
• He does Muay Thai, Warhammer, biking down some specific hill and he wants to also join the TA, the marines and/or the Foreign Legion.
• You are overwhelmed with doing everything but he does do 40% of bedtimes?
• He has to prep dinner for you on Tuesday? But DD isn't there? Or is he prepping food for you on Friday

I'm confused tbh. I think it'd be easier to give constructive advice if it was clearer what needs doing on what day etc.

(But, obviously, bin him off anyway!)

I think what OP is saying is that yes he can do those things to make life easier on his hobby night but he doesn't, or apparently can't, and it's still left to her to do it all whilst he gets time out.

@IGB9723 you're a single parent in an unequal marriage, I think its time you consider a permanent break from your husband, he will soon learn how to manage it all on his access days.

What a helpful therapist he has

its not that it’s urgent, it’s that I then have the pick up the pieces the next night because everything is a mess. It’s me who has to sort everything out and when it’s someone else that gets two nights out doing nothing, but on the two nights I get I’m still expected to help with tea and bath, it’s not really fair.
it’s more the pressure of getting everything sorted in that period of time. Making sure she is in bed for a certain time otherwise she is awful the next day/has to be up early for nursery etc. lunches to prepare for th next day for us etc. we spend most weekends doing up the house where things are falling apart. And catching up on washing. He CAN preprepare dinner; but he doesn’t and expects me to do it!

READ FAIR PLAY BY EVE RODESKY quickly before your next joint session.

• it’s a really quick read/audible listen.

You should have equal self care time (whatever that looks like) and equal unicorn time (time to pursue your own interests and hobbies).

House keeping, child care, mental load, house maintenance etc are ALL work. They are just not paid. It should be fairly split.

I would ask him to suggest an arrangement whereby you both get the same amount of time 'off' each week and contribute the same amount to the household chores and cooking.

If he can fit doing his hobby more into this arrangement, great.

No he is an entitled wanker who hasn't yet grown up himself. If he can't run how on earth does he expect to join the marines?! 🤣🤣 Complete fantasist and wouldn't last 5 minutes Fancies himself as a tough guy but can't change a nappy or do the tough bits of parenting. What a shitty little misogynist wuss. We'd all like to opt out of the tough bits of parenting, men and women alike, but the rest of us get the fuck on with it because we have backbone and we don't shirk our responsibilities. DO NOT FACILITATE HIM! The lazy manchild.

This isn't going to get better unless he has an epiphany, you've tried a trial separation and sounds as though the lessons was only temporarily effective. He realised he couldn't have his cake and eat it and threw the toys out the pram. He is prime cheater material from the sounds of it, expect midlife crisis's if you stay. The entitlement of men like this! Bet his father didn't lift a finger either!! Probably learned from the worst. Don't have another child with him if things are already this bad! It doesn't get any better with 2, only harder.

But OP can take 2 nights for herself too, if she wants to.

As an aside though, this is bad advice. He already doesn’t want to parent so there will be no access days. He will quite happily skip off and see his child a couple of hours a week here and there and if OP is at breaking point doing 2 nights a week solo then 7 nights a week 52 weeks a year solo is absolutely her worst case scenario.

Or a husband it seems

Totally unfair!!

Sit down divide the household chores equally, including meal prep, cooking, tidying it up, bath time, bedtime, washing, house tidying, shopping, then divide the spare nights equally.

Then see where you are

I don't try to be mean, but (unless I completely missed something) you only have ONE CHILD. I am sure she can be pretty difficult, all the more reasons for you to have evenings off too!

You are just making your life so difficult to expect 2 adults. How difficult can she be that you cannot make her tea and give her a bath on your own?

I am not saying it's fun and easy, but you can mop the floor before putting her to bed. You really are making your life more complicated than need be.

I know it's not ideal, but if bedtime is such a pain (which it can be) then have your own diner when she's having tea, so at least you are all done and the kitchen is tidy when you try to make her sleep, and when she is finally asleep you can breath.

Don't make your life more complicated than needs be, honestly.

He doesn't get to judge whether the way you choose to spend your 'free' time is worthwhile or not - that's your call. You get the time, and then you get to decide how to spend it.

@IGB9723 your title is wrong it isn’t his hobby it is him.
just him

He CAN preprepare dinner; but he doesn’t and expects me to do it!

stop doing it. You are not his mum. You can't force him to become an equal adult, but you sure can stop mothering him and doing everything for him for a start.

I look after my daughter the 5th day yes.
yes to my daughter being away. I’ve asked my husband to prep meals for a Friday.

husband doesn’t currently do hobby Tuesday, due to his counselling. Plans to continue doing hobby in September when finishes counselling, but mum will no longer be having daughter.

on Friday he does his hobby.
im asking for his hobby/ a hobby to take place Friday evening and one weekend day. He refuses and wants to do Muay Thai 2x in week and another adrenaline hobby on weekend.

he has considered joining marines/ta. Yes.

i am overwhelmed with doing bedtimes on a Monday, Wednesday, Friday and often Sunday day. I do most the cooking. He cooks on a Monday, and Thursday. I do most other days. I do all the washing. He occasionally puts clothes away. I do all the cleaning of the house.

i know its annoying but the only way fr him to get better and develop confidence with his child is to parent her regularly alone.

its normal to be anxious, no one magically knows what to do. they learn by doing. you have to let him.

he needs to organise his hobbies and time off around you, with equal evening childcare and house duties for both of you.

If you end up doing more child care he needs to do more/all house duties.

he is taking the P.

sit together and sort a schedule that has buy in from both of you. do not pick up his tasks/slack no matter what

I hate to be harsh, but I think you are parenting two children! Also, I believe your husband's claim that his therapist suggested he spend more time on his hobby is manipulative. While he's probably not wrong and we'd all benefit from spending lots of time having fun, it is just not practical when you have a young family. He seriously needs to grow up and realize he is now a husband and a father; as such, his needs come after those of the family as a whole. He should find a new hobby that fits around family logistics, show you some consideration, and appreciate everything you do. If he doesn't, your marriage may limp on for a while longer but it will ultimately not end well for anybody.

Oh OP, this sounds hard, but in all honesty he NEEDS to step up and start working on how to handle his daughter on his own.
My DH struggled a lot with our DC when on his own with them and I felt the same, guilty for leaving them with him, or I'd step in if he was struggling to settle them.
It wasn't until I started just leaving him to it that he actually WORKED OUT his own way of doing it. He needs to spend the time with his DD alone otherwise how will he ever? By not leaving him alone with her regular, you are doing several things:

• stopping him from figuring out his own ways of dealing with DD successfully
• not allowing him to truly see how much there is that YOU have to do on a night when he's not there, to appreciate how exhausting it is

Honestly I think the starting point is you going out of the house regularly on an evening to allow him to bond better with his DD and also recognise what the reality of a tired DD solo looks like. I say make him do it on Fridays, and do his hobby the earlier nights of the week!

Genuinely. Once my DH spent more time with hours he bonded better and found it much easier and now I leave him with them guilt free all the time!

Agree.
He's just not interested in being a team.
Men like him shouldn't have dc unless they can afford a nanny.

Sure, but she will be able to let go of at least some of her anxiety - the bits related to constantly being left down, having to tiptoe around his anger issues, and being guilt tripped into thinking she's damaging his mental health.