Husband's evening hobby making things hard

[IGB9723]

This is a long one.
Husband has a hobby that he used to, pre parenthood, attend 4/5 evenings a week. He would be out of the house from 17:30-20:30.
Once we had our child, this reduced to 2 times a week, with the occasional extra night in where he could.

I found that I was doing ALL the household chores etc and found it extremely overwhelming, trying to ensure dinner, bath and bed was sorted as well as everything else.
I am back at work 4 days a week. Currently, my daughter goes to my mums on a Tuesday for the night. On a Tuesday, we agreed my husband can do his hobby, as well as a Friday. As long as dinner was prepped for us. Daughter is at nursery Friday and an absolutely exhausted terror afterwards.
I collect my daughter on Wednesdays and as my mum is an hour away, this takes a large part of my evening as I finish work at 5.

Husband has been having issues and is now having therapy on Tuesdays. So hadn’t been doing his hobby on Tuesdays. My husband approached me and said his therapist has informed him it would appear he isn’t getting enough time to get his rush of adrenaline etc etc.

Come September, my mum can no longer have my daughter on Tuesday nights.

My husband has asked if he can continue going two nights a week come September. The issue is, it’s during dinner, bath and bedtime. And our daughter isn’t a great sleeper. Often taking an hour to get to sleep, and then waking numerous times before we go to bed ourselves.

my husband struggles with our daughter and doesn’t like to be left alone with her. I therefore find it very difficult to leave him with her as I feel guilty for both of them.

I find it very overwhelming trying to do everything and I think it’s unfair when my husband could try find a hobby for after bed time, or on a weekend!

i also have therapy on Thursdays for my anxiety issues and so don’t have those free.

am I being unfair?

My experience is then menon the Regulars do everything they can to spend time with the Army while the Reserves are trying g to escape their families.

Do you think he can change. If not... make your plans for a better life. You don't have to be his Emotional Support Person if your health is better elsewhere

each to their own I suppose. I’m of the other opinion,in that he has a family and a wife. He has no place messing and playing with other women. If I can prioritise us, so can he.

Could he meal prep and freeze meals for the week on a weekend day?
And how about taking the dogs out for a run to help his adrenaline deficit.

I think you are massively BU

One parent should be able to cope alone for 2 or 3 evenings a week! It's parenting, not prison. There's no reason why both parents should be home together in the evening frankly, that's the beauty of not being a single parent. You take turn, and can have evenings off every other day (so you can exercise, and 2 nights a week is nothing) or meet friends.

He just needs to learn to cope with his child, the more practice the better.

You can organise meals together, but feeding a child in the evening doesn't require hours of prep in the kitchen!

Ask anyone who exercises properly, 3 nights a week is just about enough if you want to keep a semi-decent level. Not allowing someone to have 3 evenings a week is silly.

I’m not sure where I settle on this one to be honest, although I think at the point you’re both in personal therapy plus couples therapy it’s probably time to acknowledge that something isn’t working.

I think the hobby thing is a tricky one. Twice a week really isn’t much, both my husband & I have hobbies we do more than that and I wouldn’t be particularly happy if I was told I couldn’t do them, nor would he. It is still important to have your own “things” as a parent, so I’d be trying to work out a compromise here. There’s 7 nights in a week, he can have 2, you can have 2 and it still leaves 3 together.

If he wants more time then is there a way it can be more family friendly? For example I love to run, I have a running buggy so I take my daughter with me. My husband wanted to do an extra gym class and found a child friendly one so that it doesn’t end up putting any extra on me.

When he was in the TA he hated it. He did it for money for our wedding… and now he wants back there… it’s ridiculous.

I’m not opposed to him doing his hobby more often. But it’s the impact it has on key responsibilities at home. It’s probably the hardest part of the day. Hence I have asked him to do one weeknight and one weekend day/morning/night.
but that doesn’t work for his hobby or for him to “improve”.

This needs nipping in the bud, too, OP. I know it's not your fault at all, but it is not your daughter's responsibility to brighten her Dad's day (especially combined with him falling apart when he didn't see her). Neither you nor her are support humans for his big important Man Life.

The therapist will be saying whatever keeps him coming back and paying the fees.

You’d be better off without him.

i also think he has lied to about his therapist saying that or has lied to his therapist about his home life doe then to suggest that.

I am quite appalled to read that he doesn’t like spending time with his child, and that alone would make me divorce him.

He brings nothing to your relationship and is a poor excuse for a father and a rubbish role model.

It’s funny how these so called mental health problems cause people not to be able pull their weight in relationships and raising children but happily allowed them to enjoy hobbies!

Must bin him, he’s a complete and utter loser.

Yes me too.

I’d always be ware of anyone who says “my therapist says” to support getting what they want. It’s totally unverifiable for one thing!

”His rush of adrenaline” sounds very selfish - I’m sure we’d all like that!

Surely he should be getting the same number of nights off that you get?

No you aren’t working on issues are you. He is your issue and the fact that your needs are never thought or or prioritised and the fact you have to meet his needs

his only focus is himself.

He can’t run. Issues with his knees. I’ve asked him to meal prep. He doesn’t have the time and ultimately it falls on me to do. I’m not taking more time for him to have his time.

What exactly is this hobbie that gives him an adrenaline rush… just very curious is it a sport to keep physically active can you do the same hobby or similar?

Issues with his knees, can't run and wants to join the Marines? In what universe is he living?!? He does know what they do?

If he's got issues with his knees then how the hell us he going to be able to do Marines??

Of course he has time he just doesn’t want to make time to do it

You know he is your problem and the cause of your anxiety so why are you staying

It doesn’t sound like he does much as a father. You may ever feel better off single

Everyone needs some time to do what they love, for themselves. The key word there is ‘some’. Not ‘all the fucking time while everyone else picks up the slack’.

Also, the therapist almost certainly didn’t tell him he needs to do more of the hobby he already does loads of, and if they did tell him that, they wouldn’t be aware of the effects on his family and marriage because he won’t have told them.

Honestly, I don’t care what his mental health issues are; he’s being incredibly selfish. And I say that as someone who needs time to myself to be healthy. He’s taking the piss.

I know it shouldn't come down to this @IGB9723 , but you hold all of the cards here. You work , look after the home , have more patience with your child...what do you want from life?

He has anger issues , picks up as many hobbies as he can to swerve the monotonous parts of parenting. Does he really think any of us love the boring repetitive bits? We do them because we love our kids , certainly not for fun.

I know what I'd be choosing op.

Our hobbies are specific times too, we just worked out what was best for our situation. His is usually 4.30pm to 6.30pm...mine is usually 5.30pm to 7.30pm.

We used to plod through with me resenting him (before I started the gym) but once we sat down and laid everything out, we got there after a few minor things. We had the added extra of an older child and their own clubs and activities in the week so it took some figuring out to make it work.

I think you really should start with a sit down and talk before doing anything. He might not be thinking of the bigger picture (exams and studying). I know my DH sometimes gets tunnel vision and thinks only about what he wants and forgets there are other people to consider. Usually once we talk it out (and I explain the logics) he will back down and get it more.

Could you batch cook at the weekends to help with dinner? We did this for a period of time when the kids were younger and there was less time in the evening between getting home and bedtime. We would cook spag bol, chilli's, pasta bakes etc. portioned them up. Freezer or put in the fridge depending on the day

I know my post makes it sound easy but we had a few years of it not working and me being resentful. I hated DH for having time at his hobby 2-3 times a week and I got nothing.
Recently my DH has been more onboard and I think understood why I am the way I am sometimes because we weren't on the same page.
Ultimately it was sit down and talk it out or split....we chose to work it out. DH didn't mean to be over demanding of the time etc. He just was so use to pre children life that it took him a while to understand that it might need to change more than he thought.

Whilst I agree with this, I think you are missing the fact that my daughter can be pretty difficult in the evenings. And getting everything (including our tea) ready and sorted is like a marathon. When you have help, someone to make tea, sort the bath (we don’t have a bathroom so still use bath downstairs!) etc etc.
the beauty of not being a single parent, is having the other parent to support you. Not leave you alone to deal with it. I can’t have evenings off that frequenctly. Aw we just don’t have the time/free evenings to do it. I get a Monday once she’s being out to bed If I’m lucky to just about start a hobby before husband comes down.
last time he whinged that I started painting our door, and hadn’t tidied her bath away or mopped the floor.
i literally don’t get more than 30 mins to myself more than 1 time a week.

so two nights a week where he is gone for 3 hours is pretty significant and impacts us a lot

This

This is so sad to read. He doesn't want to be actively engaged in family life. He is being very clear. He wants you both in the background while he does what actually makes him happy. You ensure he is loved and have family on days like Christmas. A standard day you play no part in his happiness.

It will never be enough unless you are willing to let him go and do his own thing as and when he pleases. You parent the child for you both. Be available for when he is interested.

You and daughter both deserve to the priority and his happiness. Am sorry your not.

If you want to try to get him to see sense, I would 'run out of time' to anything that supports him. Don't wash his clothes, don't cook his meals, don't plan his days/appointments, don't keep a mental note of when you're running out of loo roll and put it on the shopping order. Only do things where you couldn't stand the consequences (if you care more than him about hoovering, do it - if he cares more than you about things being hoovered, leave it) and it disadvantages you or your child. When he notices, point out that something's got to give - you cannot do all the work of 2 adults. He doesn't have time because of his hobby, and that's his choice.

And if he can't give his time, he needs to give (more) of his money. He needs to pay for takeaway for you when he 'doesn't have time' to meal prep. He needs to pay for a cleaner for (at least) his share of the household cleaning. He needs to pay for additional childcare so you have time to study.