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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are our friends being cheeky?

241 replies

sparkling1986 · 07/05/2025 08:36

DH and I are friends with a couple who live locally. We’ve known them a few years, we don’t meet that often but we tend to take it in turns to have them over for dinner and we go to them. We’ve always enjoyed their company and likewise they’ve always commented they enjoy seeing us.

The last couple of times we’ve hung out we went over to their house both occasions and their DD was there and joined us (for the whole evening not just the meal part)

For context, their DD is in her forties and has her own place but often visits her parents on the weekends. The second time we went and the DD was there again I was secretly a bit disappointed, they hadn’t mentioned it beforehand and we were looking forward to spending some time with just them, also we don’t really know their DD and we were polite but the conversation felt a bit awkward and self conscious. Obviously we didn’t make a thing of it as it’s their home and their choice so we thought fair enough.

Recently we invited them over for a meal as as we haven’t seen them in a while, partly because we’re overdue hosting them but also I’ve had a lot going on and thought it would be nice to catch up just the two of them. We also invited another mutual friend they haven’t seen in a while who they wanted to catch up with too so would have been five of us at the meal.

Anyway the wife of couple has texted (meal is later this week) and said their DD will be with them and has asked if she can join us for the meal at ours. The text was polite but direct and not really phrased as an option to decline (eg didn’t say ‘no problem if not convenient for DD to come along’)

We feel awkward and put on the spot as don’t dislike their DD but having an unplanned sixth person feels it would change the dynamic, equally worry if we say no we will offend them. They speak very highly of their DD and are obviously very close as a family.

If we had a pre existing connection with the DD or if she was a child/teenager and no childcare options then that’s different, but she’s not and it was clear she wasn’t part of the invitation when we asked them over. We aren’t hugely sociable people and both DH and me aren’t keen on the request but I feel if we were more sociable we’d probably be ok with it - more the merrier type thing. Also we don’t have children so wondering AIBU to find this a bit cheeky and feel miffed?

OP posts:
Bunnyisputbackinthebox · 07/05/2025 08:38

Just say ah sorry I have only catered for 5..

SelinaPlace · 07/05/2025 08:39

Just say sorry, no room — you have invited X as well.

Sparkletastic · 07/05/2025 08:40

That is cheeky and they have put you in an awkward spot. I’d reply ‘Let’s rearrange for a time when it’s just the five of us.’ Otherwise their DD will become a permanent fixture.

Dollshousedolly · 07/05/2025 08:40

I’d have replied back that you’re looking forward to having herself and Tom over and on this occasion would prefer if their daughter didn’t come as just want an evening with the two of them and your other friend.

Ponoka7 · 07/05/2025 08:43

If she's a real friend, why not ask if everything is ok with her DD? Then take it from there.

Daleksatemyshed · 07/05/2025 08:48

I'd politely but firmly say No Op, if their DD is in her 40s and still visiting most weekends if you say OK this time she'll turn up everytime.

Asparename · 07/05/2025 08:50

I don’t think it would bother me having the daughter come. You have dined with her a couple of times already and you have also invited another extra person. Six feels an ok number. I’d maybe be wondering why the dd wanted to hang out with you, but I have a lot of older friends so it wouldn’t bother me at all.
i think it would be awkward if you said rearrange for another time when she can’t come. They might see it as a slight to their daughter and not want to see you again.

jackstini · 07/05/2025 08:52

How does the mutual other friend feel about the daughter being there?

TinkleTheIvories · 07/05/2025 08:53

I think saying no might be a bit awkward. I'm all for being honest, but I don't think they are being that cheeky and saying that she can't come would he rude.
It looks like they come as a bit of a package now. Admittedly, if I was their daughter I wouldn't join every time, but for whatever reason, she is doing. Maybe try and organise something for during the week when it sounds like the daughter probably isn't visiting.

EggnogNoggin · 07/05/2025 09:01

If its becoming an issue I think you need to be brazen but indirect (so no weak catering excuse) Something like:

Hi X, no worries, totally understand you want to spend time with DD so let's reschedule a meal out for all of us on X date instead.

^that gives her the option of interpreting it as their invitation still standing or gives them an out.

harriethoyle · 07/05/2025 09:06

Just say “sorry, no room at the Inn for DD this time, looking forward to seeing you and Bob though” then the ball’s in her court as to whether to come or not.

Mix56 · 07/05/2025 09:08

Just say, lets re programme for a date they have no guest

TennesseeStella · 07/05/2025 09:08

It's extremely weird IMO, I am in my 40s and wouldn't want to dine with my parents and their friends if you paid me! Definitely politely tell them no, you'd probably be doing their DD a favour.

Apksbdv · 07/05/2025 09:10

I’d suggest changing it to another time whey they don’t have their DD visiting; I know it’s potentially annoying to rearrange but it will make the point that you’ve only invited them

SharpTiger · 07/05/2025 09:10

Reply to her that both yourself and DH were looking forward to just a quite catch up and dinner with just her and her DH, so can we arrange for another time? I'd possibly enquire as to why the adult DD was suddenly so enmeshed in her parents social life.

Feelingmuchbetter · 07/05/2025 09:10

It is very rude of them to invite someone else to your dinner party. I wouldn’t enjoy it either. Clearly dd does not have a social life of her own. It’s perfectly fine to say you have loved seeing dd for the last few occasions but this time dd friend is coming too so maybe next time.

I would probably stop seeing them altogether if they persisted with this as it’s very annoying.

Fluffyholeysocks · 07/05/2025 09:12

EggnogNoggin · 07/05/2025 09:01

If its becoming an issue I think you need to be brazen but indirect (so no weak catering excuse) Something like:

Hi X, no worries, totally understand you want to spend time with DD so let's reschedule a meal out for all of us on X date instead.

^that gives her the option of interpreting it as their invitation still standing or gives them an out.

I agree with this - a pattern is emerging of their DD always being present.

CherryBlossom321 · 07/05/2025 09:12

Give an inch, they’ll take a mile. Don’t agree to it. If they’re “offended”, that’s a them problem. It’s bad manners on their part to suggest it.

bigknitblanket · 07/05/2025 09:13

I’d go with a combination of the above suggestions…”Hope everything is ok with dd, sounds like she needs you around at the moment - no worries we can reschedule for another time when you two are free” or similar.

TheCountofMountingCrispBags · 07/05/2025 09:13

Trouble is because you've invited a single over, they probably thought their DD would make up the even number (so beloved of dinner party hosts). You cannot say 'we just wanted to see you both' if there's another person involved (even if the couple do want to see this person)

WindyRoses · 07/05/2025 09:15

EggnogNoggin · 07/05/2025 09:01

If its becoming an issue I think you need to be brazen but indirect (so no weak catering excuse) Something like:

Hi X, no worries, totally understand you want to spend time with DD so let's reschedule a meal out for all of us on X date instead.

^that gives her the option of interpreting it as their invitation still standing or gives them an out.

Best response. Nice and clear but gives them the option to adjust and remain just the 5 of you

Horserider5678 · 07/05/2025 09:26

TennesseeStella · 07/05/2025 09:08

It's extremely weird IMO, I am in my 40s and wouldn't want to dine with my parents and their friends if you paid me! Definitely politely tell them no, you'd probably be doing their DD a favour.

Perhaps the daughter has had some sort of breakdown and they are trying to get her to socialise again. OP just needs to ask if all
is ok with the daughter, but to exclude her is plain stupid!

WeakAsIAm · 07/05/2025 09:28

I agree with PP and ask if everything is ok with DD. As a mid forties woman I would not entertain a meal at my parents friends house. That said I’m married with my own friends and family priorities.
if this is something fairly new I wondered if the DD has some issues going on, divorce, bereavement, MH issues and her parents are trying to get her ‘out of the house’ so to speak.
if this is genuinely just blurred boundaries you of course have every right to request that the friendship be put back to without additional DD especially as this is your house.
i also agree a firm no we’ll rearrange is much better than a fake we can’t accommodate etc etc.

Set out your stall it will help going forward.

Horserider5678 · 07/05/2025 09:28

SharpTiger · 07/05/2025 09:10

Reply to her that both yourself and DH were looking forward to just a quite catch up and dinner with just her and her DH, so can we arrange for another time? I'd possibly enquire as to why the adult DD was suddenly so enmeshed in her parents social life.

It maybe the daughter has had some sort of breakdown and they’re trying to get her to go out in a space they think is comfortable for her! If OP was a true friend she’d be asking if all was ok without expecting an explanation! Trouble with MN is everyone is so judgmental!

Deckings · 07/05/2025 09:30

Sparkletastic · 07/05/2025 08:40

That is cheeky and they have put you in an awkward spot. I’d reply ‘Let’s rearrange for a time when it’s just the five of us.’ Otherwise their DD will become a permanent fixture.

This.
If you give in once that is it and it will be assumed going forward.

This type of rudeness would completely turn me off being with them.

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