Are our friends being cheeky?

[sparkling1986]

DH and I are friends with a couple who live locally. We’ve known them a few years, we don’t meet that often but we tend to take it in turns to have them over for dinner and we go to them. We’ve always enjoyed their company and likewise they’ve always commented they enjoy seeing us.

The last couple of times we’ve hung out we went over to their house both occasions and their DD was there and joined us (for the whole evening not just the meal part)

For context, their DD is in her forties and has her own place but often visits her parents on the weekends. The second time we went and the DD was there again I was secretly a bit disappointed, they hadn’t mentioned it beforehand and we were looking forward to spending some time with just them, also we don’t really know their DD and we were polite but the conversation felt a bit awkward and self conscious. Obviously we didn’t make a thing of it as it’s their home and their choice so we thought fair enough.

Recently we invited them over for a meal as as we haven’t seen them in a while, partly because we’re overdue hosting them but also I’ve had a lot going on and thought it would be nice to catch up just the two of them. We also invited another mutual friend they haven’t seen in a while who they wanted to catch up with too so would have been five of us at the meal.

Anyway the wife of couple has texted (meal is later this week) and said their DD will be with them and has asked if she can join us for the meal at ours. The text was polite but direct and not really phrased as an option to decline (eg didn’t say ‘no problem if not convenient for DD to come along’)

We feel awkward and put on the spot as don’t dislike their DD but having an unplanned sixth person feels it would change the dynamic, equally worry if we say no we will offend them. They speak very highly of their DD and are obviously very close as a family.

If we had a pre existing connection with the DD or if she was a child/teenager and no childcare options then that’s different, but she’s not and it was clear she wasn’t part of the invitation when we asked them over. We aren’t hugely sociable people and both DH and me aren’t keen on the request but I feel if we were more sociable we’d probably be ok with it - more the merrier type thing. Also we don’t have children so wondering AIBU to find this a bit cheeky and feel miffed?

I would use other responses provided here. I would re-arranged just the four of you.

I would also have a conversation with your friend. I think it's ok to not want to socialise with your friend's adult daughter.

My lovely sister is a more the merrier, I'm less is more. I'm over the random people being invited to events. We arrived for a family game night to a full blown party at Christmas.

The older I get, the more precious I am about my free time. It's not just about what we are doing, who with is key. If anything changes, I decide if I want to go or not.

I haven't got time for my friends, I cannot be arsed with other people's. I fine and polite, I'm not making those arrangements.

I think it's fine for them to ask and fine for you to decline. Just say it's a meet up for friends only.

Does it really matter? She's an adult, it's not like having a toddler in terms of change in dynamics or meaning you can't discuss certain things.

Six seems a better number than five.

Yes it's a bit odd but if you like them as people, can you really not accommodate it?

Would you like to discuss sensitive topics about a family members health, death, your own health problems, relationship problems or whatever with a random adult child of a friend?
Even if she only wanted to see the wife because she knew her better and didn't like the husband or feel comfortable around him, would you be advising that you have to assume the husband would come if you invited her over for a coffee?
OP is not friends with this adult DD it does change the dynamic

I don't mind my friends adult DS joining us at the pub for a beer every now and then, every time would grate on me and I wouldn't want to discuss certain issues in front of him, not because of his age, but because he is not my friend

Why on earth would you ask that, it just comes across as passive aggressive, you are trying to imply something is wrong with her

Exactly what I would say, but without the 'all of us' which I interpreted as meaning their dd too!

As a single 38 year old woman with no children/partner - I would NEVER impose on my parents' friends like this (but also my mum wouldn't ask). I suspect she doesn't even know her mother asked this!

Do you want to say no, but maybe another time, or is it a case of no, never?

For the first, then maybe just say that you are still feeling a bit fragile after your loss, and would prefer to limit the number. If the second, then you might need to be blunter.

I disagree strongly that it is your job (or your place, really) to inquire about the daughter and any problems she may have. You aren't her parents, and you have your own issues to deal with. If this is a tentative step towards a return to your old social life after a difficult and upsetting time in your lives, then wanting to take small steps with very familiar people is very reasonable.

She's not random though is she. She's their friend's daughter and they've socialised with her before.

I probably wouldn't discuss an intimate health problem in front of my friend's husband either.

If they are friends then I don't really see the issue. Or are they more acquaintances you eat out with occasionally?

If my close friend had a reason for wanting to include their adult child id probably just go with it when it's already a mixed group and not a one to one catch up.

It sort of does matter, yes, because it's not what OP wants in her own home, which is perfectly fine.

Evidently they don’t, particularly, or I doubt they’d have made this thread…

I do agree it's odd but if I like people enough to have them in my home id probably also make concessions. They seem to think the OP also has a friendly relationship with the daughter and to point out they don't isn't likely to end well.

OP has said she's going through a rough time and wants to talk to friends, the people who are invited are her friends, the DD is not her friend. She has seen them when she has been round to their house for a meal a couple of times. My friends DS has been to the pub with us a few times, I like him, I know him, but he is not my friend. I wouldn't want to invite him to a meal at my house when I was in need of support of friends, same for the OP. It changes the dynamics, OP doesn't want them there, it is that simple

It sounds to me like they are extremely worried about their DD. If it were our house, an extra adult would be welcome but I would be asking if everything is ok. You don't need to see her though, so just cancel the evening and say you'll rearrange when they are free by themselves. Do be aware this may end the friendship if they expected you to be welcoming to DD.

@sparkling1986 I'd just say to rearrange for a day when they aren't being visited by their daughter.

They'd then have to explain if there are any reasons why she needs to come with them in their opinion.

Sorry for your loss, OP. I totally get why you'd want to feel comfortable with your guests so you can relax and talk openly, not be hosting the more superficial '6 is a better number than 5' chit-chat dinner party where any mix is welcome. This kind of post:

what's so hard about having another person join you for dinner? You've met her a few times already, the more often you see her the better you will get to know her.

... completely misses the point of the kind of get-together you're wanting. It's not for 'another person' who you've 'met a few times'. That could be anyone from your neighbour's great aunt to the Avon lady! OP wants a night with her friends not their daughter, and whatever troubles the DD may or may not be having don't eclipse OP's own.

If you invited your friend over to discuss that intimate health issue and she invited her husband to come with her for the catch up. You know him, you've socialised with him before. Does it not change the dynamics if he tagged along. This is literally the position OP is in,. Would you not ask that the friends husband doesn't tag along in this case?

I normally shudder when I read threads about mums turning up to things with their 8yo's tagging along for want of childcare. This is giving me horror vibes to think some parents might still be doing this when their DC are in their 40s!

As with the 8yos, people are entitled to ask and you are entitled to say no. It's mutual respect.

It's a bit rude of them but there's no way you can say no to them. Think about it. You are rejecting their daughter. You shouldn't be in this position, and yet you are: sorry about that. But you'll ruin the friendship.

Either have them all for dinner, or cancel the whole thing to be done at another time - say you've got covid or something.

I agree with others that it's rude.

If it was a rare visit by their daughter that might be acceptable.

I think best to say that you'll rearrange for when their daughter isn't visiting.

Does the other friend know/get on with the daughter?

Sorry wrong thread 😬

There is a way she can say no to them. She can accept is they want to spend time with their daughter and rearrange when they're next available. It is not an impossible task. She doesn't need a fake excuse. Their DD is not the OPs friend or responsibility there are ways to say no without being rude

Of course she can say no!

I think seeing it as a rejection of their daughter is a bit dramatic. It's a rejection of having an extra, uninvited guest.

Anyway there's been a few suggestions of nice, inoffensive ways to navigate it.

Exactly! It's only some big rejection of their DD if you're being dramatic. Friends are perfectly entitled to want quality time with each other. If it comes to it, OP can say what she's told us, that she wants to be able to talk about her loss and that's harder with DD there. That's totally legit and no friend would take offence.

The daughter must have hide like a rhinocerous. Would anyone here be ok to tag along with mum and dad (at 40?) to THEIR friend's dinner party? To me it's the height of rudeness or just lack of social skills not to be uncomfortable about going somewhere you weren't invited to.

Maybe I'm just getting old and intolerant or something though.