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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are our friends being cheeky?

241 replies

sparkling1986 · 07/05/2025 08:36

DH and I are friends with a couple who live locally. We’ve known them a few years, we don’t meet that often but we tend to take it in turns to have them over for dinner and we go to them. We’ve always enjoyed their company and likewise they’ve always commented they enjoy seeing us.

The last couple of times we’ve hung out we went over to their house both occasions and their DD was there and joined us (for the whole evening not just the meal part)

For context, their DD is in her forties and has her own place but often visits her parents on the weekends. The second time we went and the DD was there again I was secretly a bit disappointed, they hadn’t mentioned it beforehand and we were looking forward to spending some time with just them, also we don’t really know their DD and we were polite but the conversation felt a bit awkward and self conscious. Obviously we didn’t make a thing of it as it’s their home and their choice so we thought fair enough.

Recently we invited them over for a meal as as we haven’t seen them in a while, partly because we’re overdue hosting them but also I’ve had a lot going on and thought it would be nice to catch up just the two of them. We also invited another mutual friend they haven’t seen in a while who they wanted to catch up with too so would have been five of us at the meal.

Anyway the wife of couple has texted (meal is later this week) and said their DD will be with them and has asked if she can join us for the meal at ours. The text was polite but direct and not really phrased as an option to decline (eg didn’t say ‘no problem if not convenient for DD to come along’)

We feel awkward and put on the spot as don’t dislike their DD but having an unplanned sixth person feels it would change the dynamic, equally worry if we say no we will offend them. They speak very highly of their DD and are obviously very close as a family.

If we had a pre existing connection with the DD or if she was a child/teenager and no childcare options then that’s different, but she’s not and it was clear she wasn’t part of the invitation when we asked them over. We aren’t hugely sociable people and both DH and me aren’t keen on the request but I feel if we were more sociable we’d probably be ok with it - more the merrier type thing. Also we don’t have children so wondering AIBU to find this a bit cheeky and feel miffed?

OP posts:
TheReturnOfFeathersMcGraw · 07/05/2025 11:52

If there's an issue with the dd and theyd like her to come along for those reasons then they should quietly communicate that to you, without specifics if necessary. Just to assume she is now part of the group isn't on. I'd go with the combined approach above - ask if everying is ok with the dd and say she obviously needs their support so you'll wait for the 2 of them to be free when she's doing better.

CarmellaSopranosKitchen · 07/05/2025 11:54

You've had some good advice above. I'd say we've invited another couple too, so we were planning just to have couples, like a dinner party - lets reschedule a date with you - if your daughter is visiting.

beachcitygirl · 07/05/2025 11:54

bigknitblanket · 07/05/2025 09:13

I’d go with a combination of the above suggestions…”Hope everything is ok with dd, sounds like she needs you around at the moment - no worries we can reschedule for another time when you two are free” or similar.

This.

nomas · 07/05/2025 11:58

It’s not your job to provide a social life for their dd.

Nip this in the bud now and say you just want it to be the 5 of you. Otherwise you will have to invite their dd to everything.

Hoohaz · 07/05/2025 11:59

It sounds like the daughter might be going through something and is leaning in her parents to get through it. I wouldn't make an issue. It is just as easy to cater for 6 as for 5. Maybe arrange a coffee with just your friend at a later time and check that everything is OK with her and her daughter.

TiggyTomCat · 07/05/2025 12:01

Why don't you just cancel and rearrange for another date midweek rather than at the w/e's when she seems always to be at her parents.

KimberleyClark · 07/05/2025 12:04

CaptainFuture · 07/05/2025 11:46

And the other person is the ops friend, who THEY invited!!!

Show quote history

No, they are a mutual friend the OP’s friends expressed a desire to catch up with.

And even if they weren’t the OP can invite who she likes to HER house.

MoodyMargaret11 · 07/05/2025 12:04

OP I think you should be honest and nip this in the bud reply something polite but make it clear the DD there changes the dynamic and you'd rather see them separately. You can also spin it humorously, like "I'm sure she's got better things to do than sit with our bunch of old farts 😂" or something to point her in the way of seeking own friends and hobbies. If they get offended or insistent at this point, you can make a choice on whether to keep the friendship or not.

Dandelion193 · 07/05/2025 12:05

Hoohaz · 07/05/2025 11:59

It sounds like the daughter might be going through something and is leaning in her parents to get through it. I wouldn't make an issue. It is just as easy to cater for 6 as for 5. Maybe arrange a coffee with just your friend at a later time and check that everything is OK with her and her daughter.

It still costs more, sets the idea in the friends minds that op is happy for DD to join for all social events. OP doesn't want DD there she wants to be able to have conversation with her friends about issues she doesn't want to discuss with strangers, it's not about finding an extra dining room chair

SamPoodle123 · 07/05/2025 12:08

EggnogNoggin · 07/05/2025 09:01

If its becoming an issue I think you need to be brazen but indirect (so no weak catering excuse) Something like:

Hi X, no worries, totally understand you want to spend time with DD so let's reschedule a meal out for all of us on X date instead.

^that gives her the option of interpreting it as their invitation still standing or gives them an out.

I think this is a good option.

MyDeftDuck · 07/05/2025 12:11

I do find it rather odd that the DD invests so much of her tie with her parents friends…..does she have no friends of her own?

As for the latest invitations you could say you’ve only catered for 5 but I would personally say you’d prefer to have just friend and her OH on this occasion and back that up with no offence intended.

Blueblell · 07/05/2025 12:12

I disagree with what most here. I often used to join in with parents if they had friends over and I was there. I think they enjoyed my company. It sounds like they come as a package and it would be rude to say no. You have another friend coming so it might work out be a good dynamic. Depends though if you enjoy the DDs company.

KimberleyClark · 07/05/2025 12:16

Blueblell · 07/05/2025 12:12

I disagree with what most here. I often used to join in with parents if they had friends over and I was there. I think they enjoyed my company. It sounds like they come as a package and it would be rude to say no. You have another friend coming so it might work out be a good dynamic. Depends though if you enjoy the DDs company.

But would you expect to go with your parents if they were invited to dinner with friends?

Dandelion193 · 07/05/2025 12:17

Blueblell · 07/05/2025 12:12

I disagree with what most here. I often used to join in with parents if they had friends over and I was there. I think they enjoyed my company. It sounds like they come as a package and it would be rude to say no. You have another friend coming so it might work out be a good dynamic. Depends though if you enjoy the DDs company.

It is not rude to say no.
Sounds like you joined when in your own parents home. Did you also go to your parents friends homes? How do you know they enjoyed your company and weren't avoiding certain topics to prevent you feeling uncomfortable
They are not a package deal and if they choose to be treated as such, op is free to not accept the DD as part of the friendship group

I have friends with children, some adult children, some still minors and sometimes I don't mind them tagging along. Other times I am clear I want it to be just us as friends, especially when you want to discuss more personal matters

CaptainFuture · 07/05/2025 12:20

KimberleyClark · 07/05/2025 12:04

No, they are a mutual friend the OP’s friends expressed a desire to catch up with.

And even if they weren’t the OP can invite who she likes to HER house.

Edited
Show quote history

I know....🤨am saying the ops invited their own friend to their own home?..

chattychatchatty · 07/05/2025 12:22

CaptainFuture · 07/05/2025 10:47

The DD HASN'T been invited by the people's whose home it is! Only her parents who have rudely decided they get to do this!

Show quote history

Yes I know; but to tell her that she can’t come is to uninvite her, even though it was her parents who (inappropriately) gave the invitation. That was my meaning.

CaptainFuture · 07/05/2025 12:22

Blueblell · 07/05/2025 12:12

I disagree with what most here. I often used to join in with parents if they had friends over and I was there. I think they enjoyed my company. It sounds like they come as a package and it would be rude to say no. You have another friend coming so it might work out be a good dynamic. Depends though if you enjoy the DDs company.

Finally a view point of the child who's often mentioned in 'Aibu To be annoyed my friend takes her child to EVERYTHING and expects them to dominate the conversation and everything to revolve around them?' 😆

Wexone · 07/05/2025 12:24

EggnogNoggin · 07/05/2025 09:01

If its becoming an issue I think you need to be brazen but indirect (so no weak catering excuse) Something like:

Hi X, no worries, totally understand you want to spend time with DD so let's reschedule a meal out for all of us on X date instead.

^that gives her the option of interpreting it as their invitation still standing or gives them an out.

Oh i like this - must use it
I agree Op i have friends and also my in laws constantly doing it - they have to bring at least one child with them - not a baby or toddler, late teenagers or early 20's age group, changes the dynamic completely

CaptainFuture · 07/05/2025 12:24

chattychatchatty · 07/05/2025 12:22

Yes I know; but to tell her that she can’t come is to uninvite her, even though it was her parents who (inappropriately) gave the invitation. That was my meaning.

Show quote history

But if op hasn't agreed to her coming.. there's no invite?

timetotwist · 07/05/2025 12:24

we’ve dined with the DD previously but that wasn’t our choice - she was there when we arrived to our friends home.
Exactly! Your home, your dinner party = your choice as to who comes. In their home you had no control over that but whenever someone new is put into the mix the others should be given the heads up.

Their DD is unmarried and not in a relationship and as a single adult might often be excluded in social situations.
Or maybe she's not. Why don't you ask your friends about it?
It doesn't sound like you're in a good place right now and would prefer the company of friends you're comfortable with not a near stranger. Now is not the time to be accommodating their DD. You might get to know her better in another context like a meal out, not your own home or at least not now. Hopefully your friends will understand.

WomenInSTEM · 07/05/2025 12:26

bigknitblanket · 07/05/2025 09:13

I’d go with a combination of the above suggestions…”Hope everything is ok with dd, sounds like she needs you around at the moment - no worries we can reschedule for another time when you two are free” or similar.

I like this reply.

Embarrassinglyuseless · 07/05/2025 12:31

Are your friends my in laws…?!

My SIL - in her forties - eats with her parents every night even though she has her own property close by. All three of them have genuinely lost sight of what’s normal becuase they’re so enmeshed…

I’d send a message saying ‘I do hope she’s ok - let’s rearranged for another time, I’d like to have a proper catch up with you guys and friend this time - why don’t you send me some good dates?’

chattychatchatty · 07/05/2025 12:33

It might well be simply that the friends really like the dynamic of DD being there at all the get togethers; it seems like that’s their preference or they wouldn’t have asked if she could come (in an assuming way). To say no, it’s not OK if she comes, is good for the OP in terms of setting boundaries and expectations going forward but surely risks damaging the friendship? Without knowing more about why DD might be being included it’s hard to call.

CaptainFuture · 07/05/2025 12:36

I honestly don't understand the multitude posters who have the viewpoint of 'you have to do as they demand/decide what's to happen or your friendship will be damaged'..
For me, that's not an equal friendship, that's a serious power inbalance.

Hdjdb42 · 07/05/2025 12:37

I'd say, "sorry numbers are filled, as I've invitation other guests. We could reschedule if you like?" They'd probably reply no that's fine. If they accept a rescheduled dinner, then I'd leave it a few months before inviting them for a relaxed bbq/buffet.

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