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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are our friends being cheeky?

241 replies

sparkling1986 · 07/05/2025 08:36

DH and I are friends with a couple who live locally. We’ve known them a few years, we don’t meet that often but we tend to take it in turns to have them over for dinner and we go to them. We’ve always enjoyed their company and likewise they’ve always commented they enjoy seeing us.

The last couple of times we’ve hung out we went over to their house both occasions and their DD was there and joined us (for the whole evening not just the meal part)

For context, their DD is in her forties and has her own place but often visits her parents on the weekends. The second time we went and the DD was there again I was secretly a bit disappointed, they hadn’t mentioned it beforehand and we were looking forward to spending some time with just them, also we don’t really know their DD and we were polite but the conversation felt a bit awkward and self conscious. Obviously we didn’t make a thing of it as it’s their home and their choice so we thought fair enough.

Recently we invited them over for a meal as as we haven’t seen them in a while, partly because we’re overdue hosting them but also I’ve had a lot going on and thought it would be nice to catch up just the two of them. We also invited another mutual friend they haven’t seen in a while who they wanted to catch up with too so would have been five of us at the meal.

Anyway the wife of couple has texted (meal is later this week) and said their DD will be with them and has asked if she can join us for the meal at ours. The text was polite but direct and not really phrased as an option to decline (eg didn’t say ‘no problem if not convenient for DD to come along’)

We feel awkward and put on the spot as don’t dislike their DD but having an unplanned sixth person feels it would change the dynamic, equally worry if we say no we will offend them. They speak very highly of their DD and are obviously very close as a family.

If we had a pre existing connection with the DD or if she was a child/teenager and no childcare options then that’s different, but she’s not and it was clear she wasn’t part of the invitation when we asked them over. We aren’t hugely sociable people and both DH and me aren’t keen on the request but I feel if we were more sociable we’d probably be ok with it - more the merrier type thing. Also we don’t have children so wondering AIBU to find this a bit cheeky and feel miffed?

OP posts:
queenMab99 · 07/05/2025 10:38

Why is the daughter suddenly featuring in their social life? Has she had some upheaval in her life, is she lonely or depressed? It is unusual for a 40 year old to be socialing with her parents friends.. If they are trying to help her out in some way, it would be unkind of you to try to exclude her.

pinkdelight · 07/05/2025 10:41

Reallybadidea · 07/05/2025 10:35

Yes it messes them around but frankly, that's their own fault, and it's done with the intention of avoiding offence. I'd hope not to need to actually spell it out that the daughter isn't invited.

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If you did the cancelling/excuse option for this meal, I don't see why they'd take any kind of hint that the DD was a factor so it would need spelling out, hence better to say so now when she's asking if DD can come. They shouldn't be offended by a response like the one a PP suggested, rearranging for when DD isn't there, and if they are, well, they're the ones creating the situation not OP. Anyhow, the meal is this week so not much time to agree then cancel with a viable excuse and lying about such stuff doesn't come easy to everyone.

Babybirdaugust · 07/05/2025 10:41

Horserider5678 · 07/05/2025 09:28

It maybe the daughter has had some sort of breakdown and they’re trying to get her to go out in a space they think is comfortable for her! If OP was a true friend she’d be asking if all was ok without expecting an explanation! Trouble with MN is everyone is so judgmental!

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I agree; my first response would to be to ask if everything’s alright with her as she didn’t used to come to the meals but now does. Alternatively, maybe she just really likes your company…if her parents had her young she may not feel the generational difference and may think she’s one of the gang. How much younger than you is she?

BobbyBiscuits · 07/05/2025 10:41

To me it feels a bit odd that you're so anti the daughter. Unless she's absolutely awful, I'd have felt I'd probably made friends with her from meeting her at theirs. So I'd be happy to have her along.
If she was a child or teen I'd say it would be more awkward. But as an adult surely you can talk freely and include her in the conversation?

But if you don't want to then just politely decline. It's true to say they shouldn't be pushing her on you!

luckylavender · 07/05/2025 10:44

I'm as direct as they come but I don't see how you can say no and maintain the friendship.

Dandelion193 · 07/05/2025 10:46

chattychatchatty · 07/05/2025 10:34

I don’t see how you can uninvite DD; she clearly wants to be there. Maybe she’s not got much of a social life and gets more out of spending time with you than vice versa. I’d probably roll with it, for everyone’s sake.

It's not univiting the DD, she was never invited in the first place
If I was OP I'd be messaging the friends and saying to not worry about coming if they're busy hosting DD and asking them to let me know when they're free to catch up
It changes the dynamic of the group, she's been polite when she's been over to their house and it was their decision to have their DD. OP has no reason to adopt this grown DD in to the group. Whether DD is having a bad time or not is irrelevant, OP is not responsible for them, she is not friends with them and if she accepts this once, it's likely to end up a regular thing that it is assumed the DD is welcome to tag along to everything

CaptainFuture · 07/05/2025 10:47

chattychatchatty · 07/05/2025 10:34

I don’t see how you can uninvite DD; she clearly wants to be there. Maybe she’s not got much of a social life and gets more out of spending time with you than vice versa. I’d probably roll with it, for everyone’s sake.

The DD HASN'T been invited by the people's whose home it is! Only her parents who have rudely decided they get to do this!

Newlittlerescue · 07/05/2025 10:47

I think it also depends slightly on the ages of the people, i.e. if you and DH are in your 50s, your friends are in their 70s, the mutual friend is in their 40s then the unreasonableness (or otherwise) if different than if everyone, bar the DD, is in their 70s.

Nonetheless, I think I'd probably suck it up on this occasion, but consider how/if you want to see these friends moving forwards if they now come as a 'thruple'

Twiglets1 · 07/05/2025 10:48

Your friends are being cheeky and they have put you in an awkward situation.

I agree with others suggesting there may be something going on in the daughter's life to suddenly want to spend seemingly every weekend with her parents but as friends, obviously you want to spend some time just as the smaller group.

I would reply that you would prefer not to include the daughter on this occasion as you were looking forward to the dynamic between just the 5 friends but if that's a problem this weekend would they rather change the date?

Reallybadidea · 07/05/2025 10:48

pinkdelight · 07/05/2025 10:41

If you did the cancelling/excuse option for this meal, I don't see why they'd take any kind of hint that the DD was a factor so it would need spelling out, hence better to say so now when she's asking if DD can come. They shouldn't be offended by a response like the one a PP suggested, rearranging for when DD isn't there, and if they are, well, they're the ones creating the situation not OP. Anyhow, the meal is this week so not much time to agree then cancel with a viable excuse and lying about such stuff doesn't come easy to everyone.

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But hopefully the daughter won't be visiting on the rearranged date

AzurePanda · 07/05/2025 10:49

I find it a pain when an adult child attends a much anticipated meet up - it really does change the dynamic as you end up asking lots of questions about their studies/ job etc rather than having a good old chat and a laugh.

pinkdelight · 07/05/2025 10:50

luckylavender · 07/05/2025 10:44

I'm as direct as they come but I don't see how you can say no and maintain the friendship.

They've asked a question that has yes or no answers. OP should be able to say no, and if that ends the friendship because it was a trick question that had to be answer yes or else, then it's not on the OP. However I think this friend knows that it's not a given DD has to come so I think they'll be reasonable about it.

pinkdelight · 07/05/2025 10:52

Reallybadidea · 07/05/2025 10:48

But hopefully the daughter won't be visiting on the rearranged date

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Maybe, it just feels like the approach that British sit-com characters take to avoid conflict and end up getting themselves in deeper, fibbing and hoping for the best instead of saying what they mean.

Notsosure1 · 07/05/2025 10:53

EggnogNoggin · 07/05/2025 09:01

If its becoming an issue I think you need to be brazen but indirect (so no weak catering excuse) Something like:

Hi X, no worries, totally understand you want to spend time with DD so let's reschedule a meal out for all of us on X date instead.

^that gives her the option of interpreting it as their invitation still standing or gives them an out.

This is good bc it outlines you’re not massively keen and puts them back on the spot of directly asking - it will show whether they’re thick-skinned and determined or sensitive to her not being welcome I guess

Codlingmoths · 07/05/2025 10:53

I think it’s really hard to say no here actually. I’d suck it up, and think of something that’s easier to have just the 4 of you next time- a show?

CaptainFuture · 07/05/2025 10:55

pinkdelight · 07/05/2025 10:50

They've asked a question that has yes or no answers. OP should be able to say no, and if that ends the friendship because it was a trick question that had to be answer yes or else, then it's not on the OP. However I think this friend knows that it's not a given DD has to come so I think they'll be reasonable about it.

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This. @luckylavender you'd end a friendship if they didn't do what you want, in their own home?

MummyJ36 · 07/05/2025 10:55

I would not make a point of saying no on this occasion unless there is a specific reason you don’t enjoy her company. However I would make a point of asking if her DD is ok and question (politely) why this appeals to her?

MissHollysDolly · 07/05/2025 10:56

Don’t make an excuse to say there’s no room etc. if you don’t want to be direct and say “I don’t want her there” just say - thanks for letting me know. Let’s look at another date when it can just be the two of you. How about X

tripleginandtonic · 07/05/2025 10:58

Ponoka7 · 07/05/2025 08:43

If she's a real friend, why not ask if everything is ok with her DD? Then take it from there.

This. It may be their dd is going through a really tough time.

TennesseeStella · 07/05/2025 10:58

Devonshiregal · 07/05/2025 10:02

This is so strange to me. Why not? I mean I get when you’re like 13-21 not wanting to but surely you’re able to take something from someone regardless of them “being your parents’ age” now you’re a fully fledged adult? (I’m asking out of genuine interest not trying to goad)

Clearly op and several people here aren’t more the merrier types, and that’s fair enough, but it seems a bit sad to block this woman’s adult child from coming to control the dynamic. Is it perhaps you who is making the conversation awkward with her there because you’re less open to new people? Or is it her? If her parents are nice surely she’s alright too? And unless it’s a swinging dinner party, what can’t you discuss in front of her that you would without her there?

She’s either close to her family and happy to mix with anyone, which is lovely, or she’s socially awkward and hasn’t got many friends of her own. She either wants to break bread with you because she likes you or because she’s lonely - those are pretty decent reasons to extend the invite. But each to their own.

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It's just not how I would want to spend my limited free time. I barely see some of my own friends who I actually like! I've got better things to do than make awkward small talk with Cathy and Brian from down the road.

TheHistorian · 07/05/2025 11:02

They've probably taken it as a green light as you've socialised with their daughter previously and assume you like her company as you've not said anything. You need to bite the bullet and put in a boundary. If they object to socialising without her, which is probably your fear about saying something, at least you know the rules of their game. If it doesn't suit you, back off from them. Life's too short to accommodate things that don't suit.

At least they've given up you a heads up. I had someone turn up with a complete random at my house. I felt I couldn't say no without causing a major issue as they were there. I like meeting people but when I entertain I cook just enough for the number of guests, so much scrambling around to feed the extra person.

HideousKinky · 07/05/2025 11:03

tripleginandtonic · 07/05/2025 10:58

This. It may be their dd is going through a really tough time.

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I also wondered this

thinkfast · 07/05/2025 11:04

Sounds like something is up with the DD and her parents don’t want to leave her alone. I’d reply to either agree to the request or to suggest re-scheduling to another evening when they are available without the DD.

Reallybadidea · 07/05/2025 11:04

pinkdelight · 07/05/2025 10:52

Maybe, it just feels like the approach that British sit-com characters take to avoid conflict and end up getting themselves in deeper, fibbing and hoping for the best instead of saying what they mean.

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It does a bit! But I think those sitcoms are based on the truism that British people are often worried about giving offence because people are often easily offended. I think lots of people would be a bit upset to be told bluntly that their daughter isn't invited, particularly if she's going through a hard time for some reason.

zenai · 07/05/2025 11:04

I wonder if the daughter wants to go at all? She sounds very passive or maybe controlled by the parents (at her age??). That's what I'm thinking anyway. I doubt anyone at 40 ish would want to visit their parents' friends as an add on.

I think the daughter is at fault here quite frankly, unless she has some special needs or something. Even if she is going through a hard time, the worst thing would be to go and sit with people twenty odd years older and listen to their patter (I'm 67 BTW). I know my daughter/son would run a mile...😊