Are our friends being cheeky?

[sparkling1986]

DH and I are friends with a couple who live locally. We’ve known them a few years, we don’t meet that often but we tend to take it in turns to have them over for dinner and we go to them. We’ve always enjoyed their company and likewise they’ve always commented they enjoy seeing us.

The last couple of times we’ve hung out we went over to their house both occasions and their DD was there and joined us (for the whole evening not just the meal part)

For context, their DD is in her forties and has her own place but often visits her parents on the weekends. The second time we went and the DD was there again I was secretly a bit disappointed, they hadn’t mentioned it beforehand and we were looking forward to spending some time with just them, also we don’t really know their DD and we were polite but the conversation felt a bit awkward and self conscious. Obviously we didn’t make a thing of it as it’s their home and their choice so we thought fair enough.

Recently we invited them over for a meal as as we haven’t seen them in a while, partly because we’re overdue hosting them but also I’ve had a lot going on and thought it would be nice to catch up just the two of them. We also invited another mutual friend they haven’t seen in a while who they wanted to catch up with too so would have been five of us at the meal.

Anyway the wife of couple has texted (meal is later this week) and said their DD will be with them and has asked if she can join us for the meal at ours. The text was polite but direct and not really phrased as an option to decline (eg didn’t say ‘no problem if not convenient for DD to come along’)

We feel awkward and put on the spot as don’t dislike their DD but having an unplanned sixth person feels it would change the dynamic, equally worry if we say no we will offend them. They speak very highly of their DD and are obviously very close as a family.

If we had a pre existing connection with the DD or if she was a child/teenager and no childcare options then that’s different, but she’s not and it was clear she wasn’t part of the invitation when we asked them over. We aren’t hugely sociable people and both DH and me aren’t keen on the request but I feel if we were more sociable we’d probably be ok with it - more the merrier type thing. Also we don’t have children so wondering AIBU to find this a bit cheeky and feel miffed?

this, my assumption is something has happened and they are keeping her close for a reason. rather than they're just carting her about for fun.

Or daughter has declared she is coming over to her parents and they’ve told her they have a meal out with friends. She says oh I know them, perhaps I could come too or I’ll be alone at yours for the evening. Cue mum asking whether it’s okay.
Ask your friend if everything is okay with her daughter.
Some families become the same package when a grown up child lives at home and if they do everything together but this is not quite the same.

There’s some unkind posts here about the daughter, why does life all have to fit a neat and tidy format? Maybe the daughter and parents love spending time together, maybe she has additional needs, maybe she’s lonely.
OP can say no of course, but you do risk the friendship fading off.

This, and you worry about boring them if you spend too much time reminiscing about previous good times or talking about people they don’t know.

Honestly this would not bother me. In fact I would take it as a sign that this couple feel very close to you that they should be so forward and open with you about this.

Like PPs, I would assume that their DD is going through a complicated time and would try to find a way to gently ask about her circumstances. You may find yourselves feeling compassion for her.

It really shouldn't cramp your style to have her over: she is 40-ish, not a child - I'd try to get to know her a bit better. You may find you like her and she brings a new dynamic to the evening's conversation.

Finally, if you still find it all too awkward after a bit of effort on your part, then I would dial down the socialising with this couple.

Yep, they are cheeky and so is their daughter. They either want a free meal for her and / or are too enmeshed to go anywhere without her. Either way it's a big fat no

@TweetingHurricane if they love spending time together, that's great, doesn't give them the right to decide who gets to be hosted at some one else's dinner party! Or do you think some people should be able to do so and others need to fall into line or the friendship is over?!

My first thought is “does the DD not have a life?” I wouldn’t be inviting myself to dinner parties of parental friends I barely knew. What’s her story?

I think this is a good suggestion, shows you care about the DD but makes it clear that it isn't an open door policy to her gate crashing every meal you have.

There's a barrage of responses from people who would have no problem with this.

That's fine but irrelevant, since the OP does have a problem with it!

I would go with the suggestion saying "Hope all is okay with DD. Completely understand that you'll want to spend time with her. We'll reschedule for when you and Bob are free."

If she can't or won't take the hint then you'll have to address that down the road.

I think maybe there might be some background to it that they want her there and she's always there and if you say no they might just not come or might affect your friendship.

Being an adult single person can mean you get excluded from a lot of things (I say from experience) so it could be something along those lines. Obviously up to you but I feel some sympathy for them although it would have been polite to at least ask.

Yeah I was going to suggest something like this, except without the "for all of us" because the "all" suggests their dd can come to that instead. Just "no problem, understand you want to see your dd, we can arrange for next weekend if you're free."

Not as blatant as "nonwe don't want her to come" but hopefully they'll get the hint.

Why do people do this? The most basic rule of socialising is that the HOST decides who is invited - as a guest you don't invite additional people unless specifically told "bring anyone you want" or "It's an open invite" or similar. The fact she's their dd is irrelevant -she's a stranger to OP. It's as rude as bringing their neighbour or gym buddy along.

Being single doesn’t mean not having friends and a social life though.

i’m in my 30s - same! Let alone uninvited!

Yanbu.

Just put it politely, something like “if you don’t mind coming just the two of you, I’ve also invited X and I think the group dynamic would work best with just those people. See you Friday!” Then you haven’t really given space for her to argue back - it’s your dinner party and so your choice of guests.

what's so hard about having another person join you for dinner? You've met her a few times already, the more often you see her the better you will get to know her.

If dd finds the conversation boring she won't come again. If dd is a difficult guest then tell her parents that she doesn't appear to enjoy the events and are they sure she wants to come?

Let dd come to this dinner and next time, as other posters have suggested, arrange a date during the week when dd isn't visiting (unless she's moved in with them?)

Maybe suggest a week day mid morning outing to a tea shop or something when dd isn't around.

Perhaps dd is visiting her parents more often than in the past if they need more attention in their old age ie admin, health, finance assistance.

I don't think they arr being cheeky. You have dined with her twice before, so they probably think you are happy with her company. I would definitely not say to them to not bring her, especially as there is another person coming too.

Your reply is really rude and arrogant

Someone disagreeing with you does not mean they are "plain stupid"

It is very normal to not want and have to spend money catering for, an uninvited near stranger in your house. The fact she's the dd is a red herring, there are lots of people who might need help. OP might have neighbours/colleagues/local postman who are struggling in some way, but she's not their therapist or local soup kitchen - feeding them and helping them is not her responsibility.

If the parents want their dd around when they are hosting that's on them but it's incredibly rude to bring her along to anyone else's event.

What if the 5th person also decided to bring their grandson along, and then op decided to invite her widowed mother if its open season on invites? Suddenly the group has gone from 5 people in their (assumed) mid sixties who know each other well and have a lot in common to talk about, to a group spanning from 20-90 half of whom have never met before.

There is of course nothing wrong with wider groups/strangers meeting but that is not what OP wants - she's organising a small dinner party between close friends.

Asking to bring someone who hasn’t been invited to a dinner party is always cheeky.

I think this a tactful response.

And I think she’s being more thoughtless than cheeky.

Agreed. People seem to be saying what if the DD is having a rough time, as if OP some how owes them a social life. It's fine not to take in every wafe and stray. Sometimes you just want to see your own friends.
What if OP was having a rough time and wanted to discuss her problems with her nearest and dearest and had random people tagging along, does she owe it to them to keep the conversation light for new company or are they owed the personal information OP wants to share with her friends.
The other person wasn't invited, OP doesn't want them in her house to feed and entertain. That doesn't make her a bad person. She is allowed to have boundaries

And the other person is the ops friend, who THEY invited!!!

Thanks everyone for the responses - there’s some really great insights on here and it’s definitely given me food for thought.

Dandelion 193 response nailed exactly how I feel - I have been going through a rough time, I had a family bereavement six months ago and it knocked me for six (the friends are aware of this) so feel I’ve lost confidence in a general sense, also it’s the first time I’ve seen our friends since the bereavement and am aware the topic of relative may come up in conversation and wanted to talk about it freely. I feel awkward in front of the DD as she’s a stranger and I am still at the stage where I get very emotional talking about it. on reflection if I get upset though so what. I think the request just put me on the back foot as wasn’t expecting it. There’s been a few comments about how we’ve dined with the DD previously but that wasn’t our choice - she was there when we arrived to our friends home.

DH and I have had some friendship betrayals in the past couple of years and been let down by people we thought were friends so we have lost confidence in social situations and have become a bit cynical and untrusting but I’m aware that’s an us problem and our issue and we need to work on that. I used to be way more outgoing and a more the merrier type but not so much these days.

I did consider maybe that the DD is going through a difficult time and there may be more going on under the surface and also some of the replies have made me reflect and realise perhaps we could be more open minded to socialising with their DD as she might be lonely. Their DD is unmarried and not in a relationship and as a single adult might often be excluded in social situations.

I would say that you only have rrom for 7 and if they prefer to rearrange a date when their DD is not at home then you'd prefer that.
The scenario is odd that a 40 year old woman wants to have dinner at her parents' friends (assume you are mid 60s-70s) esp if you have no connection to her. Do your friends tell you much about their DD - what is going on with her, my friends pretty much know what is going on w/my DCs (early 20s) so if I bought one along they would know why.

Exactly, had this been me and my 40 y/o daughter wanting to join, I'd be at least apologetically explaining why she is so needy. But they haven't which makes it even more weird!
And as others have said, it's looking like she'll be permanently tagging along now, if "allowed".