Are our friends being cheeky?

[sparkling1986]

DH and I are friends with a couple who live locally. We’ve known them a few years, we don’t meet that often but we tend to take it in turns to have them over for dinner and we go to them. We’ve always enjoyed their company and likewise they’ve always commented they enjoy seeing us.

The last couple of times we’ve hung out we went over to their house both occasions and their DD was there and joined us (for the whole evening not just the meal part)

For context, their DD is in her forties and has her own place but often visits her parents on the weekends. The second time we went and the DD was there again I was secretly a bit disappointed, they hadn’t mentioned it beforehand and we were looking forward to spending some time with just them, also we don’t really know their DD and we were polite but the conversation felt a bit awkward and self conscious. Obviously we didn’t make a thing of it as it’s their home and their choice so we thought fair enough.

Recently we invited them over for a meal as as we haven’t seen them in a while, partly because we’re overdue hosting them but also I’ve had a lot going on and thought it would be nice to catch up just the two of them. We also invited another mutual friend they haven’t seen in a while who they wanted to catch up with too so would have been five of us at the meal.

Anyway the wife of couple has texted (meal is later this week) and said their DD will be with them and has asked if she can join us for the meal at ours. The text was polite but direct and not really phrased as an option to decline (eg didn’t say ‘no problem if not convenient for DD to come along’)

We feel awkward and put on the spot as don’t dislike their DD but having an unplanned sixth person feels it would change the dynamic, equally worry if we say no we will offend them. They speak very highly of their DD and are obviously very close as a family.

If we had a pre existing connection with the DD or if she was a child/teenager and no childcare options then that’s different, but she’s not and it was clear she wasn’t part of the invitation when we asked them over. We aren’t hugely sociable people and both DH and me aren’t keen on the request but I feel if we were more sociable we’d probably be ok with it - more the merrier type thing. Also we don’t have children so wondering AIBU to find this a bit cheeky and feel miffed?

It wouldn’t bother me at all for my friends to bring their adult daughter. It’s normal in lots of cultures for people from different generations to hang out; there doesn’t have to be this absolute division. Maybe give her a chance?

Is this daughter of theirs joined at the hip? Absolutely weird behaviour tagging along on her parents’ nights out with friends. They are just as weird for inviting her.

It bother the OP though and she’s given the DD a chance - she’s been at the last two dinners and OP has had enough. I don’t see how it helps to say you’d be fine with it. They don’t want to come to dinner at your house.

Well it’s fairly simple. Either your parents could have accepted that an invitation from these people - to their own bloody house - was for them alone and sorted a babysitter that night, or turned down the invitation. Not bitched for years about how it was “So selfish”.

Wait - so you’re complaining that this is happening NOW? From the way you talk about these people being too selfish to understand “the demand of a family”, I assumed you meant when you were small children and needed supervision!

If you’re old enough to have your own homes and be visiting your parents, you’re old enough to check they’re not busy.

If a 40 something person was hanging with their parents most weekends and wanting to come to dinner parties with people in their 60s and 70s who aren't their direct friend, I'd assume something was wrong and there was a reason
So I'd say yes but pass comment on your surprise she's so happy to hang out with yo all rather than her own friends, as an opportunity for them to discuss it

Your parents are no longer bringing you up. You have been brought up. Your parents now get to go wherever they want. Of course they can ditch their adult children in favour of time with their friends, childless otherwise

Surely it’s a bit difficult to say you don’t want their “plus one” when you’ve invited your own (even if you all know them). it’s either a two couples dinner or it isn’t.

I mean a weeks notice isn't an unplanned 6th person.

Struggling to understand how the dtr who is an adult changes the dynamic especially as the couple aren’t very close friends either?

Are you secret swingers?🤔

I would be tempted to let it slide this time but next make it a specific invitation only.

Not all families require prebooked appointments to visit each other. Some even enter without knocking. Or have their own key.

Sounds like a simple solution but highly unlikely to work in practice.

It amazes me that people just can’t read the room. An extra person completely changes the dynamic.
I used to drive over to see my cousin and stay over 2/3 times a year. Her daughter used to invite herself and it pissed me off.
Some people think they are so bloody important and fascinating that they can’t imagine that they are not welcome to gatecrash.

As you have included another person to the dinner party then having the dd there will just make a nice even number. I get the vibe that their dd is unhappy or unwell and needs support. Maybe not see her as someone’s ‘child’ which she obviously isn’t as she’s in her forties. Go with it, be nice. If it becomes an issue in the future then ease off the friendship maybe.

Op is wanting her own support, she invited 3 people to her house for dinner who she is friends with. She has been nice when she went to dinner at the friends house and their DD was there why do you think the DD should be entitled to support (she may not even need) at the detriment of OP feeling comfortable in her own house?

Or not.

The daughter is practically a stranger to op, she invited over 3 friends, she is going through a tough time, she didn't tell them they could invite whoever they fancied, therefore it is invitation only. The dynamic is changed by having another person in your house you don't know and don't want there.

You 'think' they enjoyed your company

Maybe they were just being polite. And you were rude

If the friends posted on here with 'I have been invited over to a friend's house for dinner, aibu to tell my friend that my 40 year old DD who friend doesn't know very well is tagging along' I imagine the responses would be along the lines of 'god no' or 'you could ask, but be prepared for your friend to say no'. I don't understand how there are so many replies telling op to be nice or be kind, DD may have problems.

Because she's not their friend?
And maybe they don't know her that well

I am the 40 Yr old daughter in this scenario 😅 I'm currently living with my parents whilst my house is sold due to a divorce. However, there's some of their friends i eat with and some I don't at their house. I wouldn't invite myself to someone else's house - we all enjoy the time off!

The 40 year old daughter doesn't even live with her parents though.

My parents friends started doing this - every social event they brought their daughter and her husband😂:

both in their forties, both spending every weekend with their parents and some friends. My mum and dad found it a bit odd - it lasted about a year and then stopped. No one ever found out why.

They were never invited to any of the group’s ’candlelit suppers’ they just appeared. The group learned to cater for two extra people. Very rude but clearly there was something going on.

@Bellyblueboy if it was my house and hadn't invited them, by the 3rd time, I'd just not cater for them or plate them food!😆

This is a group of very relaxed 70 odd year olds! about ten of them who have been socializing together since their teens.

I see them occasionally (usually while collecting my drunk parents!) and know I wouldn’t be turned away if I arrived for the meal. But I wouldn’t particularly chose that as my social life (nice as they are😊).