Are our friends being cheeky?

[sparkling1986]

DH and I are friends with a couple who live locally. We’ve known them a few years, we don’t meet that often but we tend to take it in turns to have them over for dinner and we go to them. We’ve always enjoyed their company and likewise they’ve always commented they enjoy seeing us.

The last couple of times we’ve hung out we went over to their house both occasions and their DD was there and joined us (for the whole evening not just the meal part)

For context, their DD is in her forties and has her own place but often visits her parents on the weekends. The second time we went and the DD was there again I was secretly a bit disappointed, they hadn’t mentioned it beforehand and we were looking forward to spending some time with just them, also we don’t really know their DD and we were polite but the conversation felt a bit awkward and self conscious. Obviously we didn’t make a thing of it as it’s their home and their choice so we thought fair enough.

Recently we invited them over for a meal as as we haven’t seen them in a while, partly because we’re overdue hosting them but also I’ve had a lot going on and thought it would be nice to catch up just the two of them. We also invited another mutual friend they haven’t seen in a while who they wanted to catch up with too so would have been five of us at the meal.

Anyway the wife of couple has texted (meal is later this week) and said their DD will be with them and has asked if she can join us for the meal at ours. The text was polite but direct and not really phrased as an option to decline (eg didn’t say ‘no problem if not convenient for DD to come along’)

We feel awkward and put on the spot as don’t dislike their DD but having an unplanned sixth person feels it would change the dynamic, equally worry if we say no we will offend them. They speak very highly of their DD and are obviously very close as a family.

If we had a pre existing connection with the DD or if she was a child/teenager and no childcare options then that’s different, but she’s not and it was clear she wasn’t part of the invitation when we asked them over. We aren’t hugely sociable people and both DH and me aren’t keen on the request but I feel if we were more sociable we’d probably be ok with it - more the merrier type thing. Also we don’t have children so wondering AIBU to find this a bit cheeky and feel miffed?

I wonder why DD wishes to come? Maybe she has a break up, and needs her folks for support or genuinely likes you both.I would just say yes I think,we read so much about mental health and loneliness its nice to involve her .Maybe you could suggest a lunch date next time ?If the DD is working then she wont be able to come anyway.

No, the onus is on the friend to explain why they have suddenly decided to bolt on their child to every social event! It’s really rude to just assume she can come every time.

Personally I would love the daughter to come along, if they wanted her to due to her staying there. I also would be asking about her - Is daughter okay?

You seem uncomfortable with inviting her, Op, so you should change the date with the excuse being that you can easily put off the meal until a date that suits when they do not have guests. If they strongly insist that they don't mind bringing daughter, or leaving her home, then I would cater for the daughter.

That is cheeky. You invited them, not their freeloading appendage.

Of course the OP doesn't have to ask anything, and she's not excluding anyone, she just has no reason whatsoever to invit her.

It's astonishing how CF always find a good reason or explanation for their rude behaviour.

I'd do the reply that @EggnogNoggin suggested. I wouldn't accept a self invitation for someone I didn't invite. Freeloaders annoy me!

Then when it's their turn to host, bring along half your family and the cat and the dog and see how they react. 😊

And if ops uncomfortable or just doesn't want to invite an extra person that's absolutely acceptable!
Am so fed up with the 'beee kind 🥺' manipulative way things have got that makes it acceptable for CF to make demands and have people pander to them because...'reasons'!

Their dd is 40s and looking to hang around with her parents and their friends, she sounds lonely. I would start getting to know her and she can become a friend too.

This is so strange to me. Why not? I mean I get when you’re like 13-21 not wanting to but surely you’re able to take something from someone regardless of them “being your parents’ age” now you’re a fully fledged adult? (I’m asking out of genuine interest not trying to goad)

Clearly op and several people here aren’t more the merrier types, and that’s fair enough, but it seems a bit sad to block this woman’s adult child from coming to control the dynamic. Is it perhaps you who is making the conversation awkward with her there because you’re less open to new people? Or is it her? If her parents are nice surely she’s alright too? And unless it’s a swinging dinner party, what can’t you discuss in front of her that you would without her there?

She’s either close to her family and happy to mix with anyone, which is lovely, or she’s socially awkward and hasn’t got many friends of her own. She either wants to break bread with you because she likes you or because she’s lonely - those are pretty decent reasons to extend the invite. But each to their own.

Just say no. Poor dd at 40 tagging along. So sad.

I would just say no and stop seeing them so much, there is too much going on with their daughter .

Anyway the wife of couple has texted (meal is later this week) and said their DD will be with them and has asked if she can join us for the meal at ours

Even if it is worded in a tricky way, the fact that she has texted about this to ask if DD can join means that she knows it's not a given and you have this chance to say something, so don't be all polite and suck it up or you'll just end up resenting them and their DD even more. This time it's a bit harder because you've invited someone else so it's not like you can say you just wanted to see her and her partner, but you're going to have to say something or DD will keep coming. I think respond simply and clearly ignoring any subtext that you have no choice, because you do, so use it: "Thanks for the heads up. We'd rather just see you and xx so if you need to rearrange for a time when DD isn't staying, let me know. Nothing against DD, it was great to catch up with her last time."

This wouldn't bother me at all, in fact if my mother was down for a few days and I was going out with friends I would bring her along. Surely when adults spending time with each others friends is OK and there is no reason not to include her if you can accommodate her. She is not some sad old spinster she is a human being who is spending time with her parents.

They can be ask and you can refuse. Seems odd though. Why can’t 40 year old rearrange her visit to her parents.

This is good advice

I think this is a very good response!
I'm a soft touch (but am generally quite good at saying no) so can see myself adding something like 'I hope DD is okay, she is such a sweetheart and it's always lovely for you to have extra time with them when they need support, but i know it can be such a worry. Here if you need me' And then... probably opening myself up to more DD invites in future....

They obviously think you like spending time with their daughter as much as they do. You have to say no, just try one of the ways posters have said on this thread. They probably won’t like it though, just remember they changed the dynamic of the friendship first not you.

That's fine if you're a 'come one come all' host who likes chatting to everyone, but some people like chatting to specific friends about specific things and it's just not the same when there's someone else in the mix who you're not close to. As a one off, it might be novel/interesting to include a friend's relative, but beyond that, there's a reason we're friends with our friends so it's them we want to see. Plus it's them as our friends, not them in parent mode, which even with a DD in their 40s will be a different persona. Groups have dynamics and can be hard work with others in the mix instead of the pleasurable things they're meant to be.

I would say we were really looking forward to an evening just with you both and X, so we’d prefer to keep it that way this time. That way it is clear that you are not open to discussing it, apologising etc.
Has the daughter just suddenly started to be there more? She may well be going through something and her parents are trying to support her - which is great but doesn't mean they start asking fr her t be included in every where they Go

I think this is a good response. Trouble is, OP is inviting them round to dinner at their house, not a meal out, so it'd have to be something like:

"Hi X, no worries, totally understand you want to spend time with DD so let's reschedule a meal out for all of us on X date instead. I'll be in touch with some dates."

Unfortunately this sounds a bit more pass/agg and complicated!

Some posters are forgetting you said you and your DH aren't very social, if you prefer only to see closer friends that's your right especially in your own home.
I'm always saying on here to start as you mean to go on, if you're not comfortable now with the DD coming it's better to say no, if her DPs want to make it every time it's much harder to backtrack

Rather than offend them, I would agree and then make an excuse to cancel a few days before. I'd then rearrange for another time and hope to god they don't ask again about bringing the daughter. If they do then I'd make it clear the invitation was just for them.

That's so much more complicated and stressful and messes people about more. And if you're ultimately going to have to be clear that invites are just for them, might as well do that out of the gate now.

I don’t see how you can uninvite DD; she clearly wants to be there. Maybe she’s not got much of a social life and gets more out of spending time with you than vice versa. I’d probably roll with it, for everyone’s sake.

Yes it messes them around but frankly, that's their own fault, and it's done with the intention of avoiding offence. I'd hope not to need to actually spell it out that the daughter isn't invited.